For ages I told my feller I like ruff sex, as is slapping, fisting, total domination. He wasn’t keen on the idea but eventually he did it (and it was fantastic). He did the whole tying me to the bed, blindfold and playing the part!!. At the end of it he freaked out, he said he had got carried away, he felt guilty that he slapped me across the face (a few times) and that he had made me bleed.
I tried telling him its fine and that often I bleed a bit after fisting, since then he hasn’t done it again. I asked him if he enjoyed it? He said yes....... but still there has been no repeat. Can any blokes give me an idea of what is going on in his head, and has any girls ever had this problem and have any advice on what to do?
There's generally a mental block in my head which prevents me from hurting my OH, even when she's asking for it. Its something that takes a while to get around really. I'm still not entirely comfortable scratching or biting her to the point of drawing blood, let alone slapping and fisting, and we've been together for 2 years. So it can take a while for a guy to be comfortable with that sort of physicallity.
The best way I've found to mentally get my head around not wanting to hurt here is either through role playing or good ol'd contracts. Role playing will only work is you're both able to hold onto the roles, something I'm not very good at. But contracts work fantastically I find. For me, it switches the dominant role around so that I can hurt her and not feel guilty about it: before sex, you sit down with him and write down what you want him to do and when to do it, and tell him that this is how it is going to go. That works perfeclty for me, but I am rather the masochist But its a definite psychological way of getting around any guilt he might feel from hurting you.
As a man, blood means something is wrong or hurt, it takes a little time to get your head round the fact that the sexual activity you where involved in caused bleeding, especially if the blood is on your cock.
The contract sounds a good idea to get it through to him that i dont mind what he does, we tried the safe word idea before but it didnt work. As you said Sean he finds it hard to stay in role when i was saying no he thought i ment it.
I know the blood must have been a tad freaky for him, I have tried to explain that it happens and bleeds lots even if its just a scratch.
Its just annoying as he says he enjoys it but finds it to hard to do. you blokes are a complex creature
I don't think we are in general. For me, there are just some boundaries that I'd feel very uncomfortable about crossing, one of which would be causing actual physical injury to my OH. The closest that I'll go to that is hard spanking. i don't think even a contract would enable me to relax about that. It's probably significant, though, that there's some history of domestic abuse in my wife's extended family which horrified and sickened me when I first heard about it (rather unsettlingly, on the day that I proposed to her).
Yes I can see why that would unsettle you, I think it would anyone.
He likes the spanking and he will do that often, maybe your right its some boundarie he has. I tried to point out its not the same slapping me in the kitchen as it is in the bedroom. but he still dosent get it
I wonder if perhaps rather than asking him to do many things at once, what about incorporating a different aspect of rough play each time you have sex.
So one time you might do fisting, and only fisting. Another time he might slap you, but only slap you (sorry not sure what else you'd do as the roughest we get is hair pulling and being forced to my knees - so don't know what else to suggest lol).
That way perhaps you could both guage what parts he does and doesn't feel comfortable with plus it may get him used to it. I suspect building up the rough play will be easier for him to 'deal' with than a full on assault (and I don't mean actual assault!!)
Have a long talk with him about it and voice your side and then let him voice his. You could also suggest a safety word code of sorts so that he knows if you are enjoying it and it might make him feel a little more secure with the roughness. I agree with Angel and gradually build it up. Hope this helps.
I wonder if perhaps rather than asking him to do many things at once, what about incorporating a different aspect of rough play each time you have sex.
So one time you might do fisting, and only fisting. Another time he might slap you, but only slap you (sorry not sure what else you'd do as the roughest we get is hair pulling and being forced to my knees - so don't know what else to suggest lol).
That way perhaps you could both guage what parts he does and doesn't feel comfortable with plus it may get him used to it. I suspect building up the rough play will be easier for him to 'deal' with than a full on assault (and I don't mean actual assault!!)
Angel x
Definitely second this. If you build things up in stages he might become more comfortable with it. However, I know if it was my OH, as much as he's into forcing in bondage (with a safe word) I don't think he'd ever be able to bring himself to actually draw blood (although I could be wrong!) haha
Thank you for all the helpful hints, I guess im being a tad selfish. I have the fantasy and think it should happen just like that. I know patience is a virtue and all that.
We are really good at talking about things to a certain point, but then his male genes get the better of him (sorry boys) and he shuts down when it gets to deep.
He sounds like me if im honest, even though i would love to try rough sex to a certain point i oftern feel that i would not be able to, i know it comes down to trusting one another but some men just dont want t hurt a woman like myself. I think the best thing to do is as Angel said is slowly ease him into it either do one thing like she suggested or a few small things, slapping, spanking, light choking, and light domination working upto the bigger things like total domination, fisting and humiliation if thats what your after?
It will take time for him to over come the boundrys that men have in there heads, remember we have always been told "It is wrong to hurt a woman" and this is something we have to over come, some people do it in an instant others it takes time. As said do some small things and work to the bigger, even experiment 1 time small things another u want some fisiting then small again then heavy choking, small then something big just let him know after that you love him, you enjoyed it and that ur ok.
Thats all i can think of and thats probably how i would personally do things, small things leading to the bigger.
Agree with Mr S on this. Almost all men have that mental boundary and most would think of someone who hit a woman round the face as some kind of stella drinking scumbag. Also it is a little alarming if there's bleeding (even though we know it can happen) and the overwhelming majority of guys are having sex with someone they care deeply about so wouldn't want to hurt them even if it was to please them. I'd encourage him to do small things each time, maybe with the words or actions from yourself. Over time he'll probably work up to 'freestyling' himself. Most men (myself included) need some pretty clear encouragement to do anything thats a bit out the box to be honest.
I am not a guy, but I know my partner would never be able to really make me bleed in any way. Spanking me, forcing me to my knees, pulling on my hair, nipple and clit clamps, take me rough, yes, but I doubt he would slap me to my face. And he would end up very down if he caused me to bleed. So I agree with the advice to take it slowly, to see where his boundaries are, and to see if you can push them by smaller steps. And never push it onto him too hard. We all have fantasies which are harder to fullfill. Hope it works out for you in the end!