2 weeks ago my Oh's father came to visit. I wasn't in but he asked her brother to come round. He told them he has been diagnosed with Inoperable cancer and probably won't see this Xmas. When I came home my wife was in tears.
Now her father is quite estranged to his kids. He divorced when my oh was 13 and really has rarely featured in their life's. Xmas, birthdays kind of stuff, he doesn't really make an effort with his grandkids. Sometimes to the point where I have phoned. I have even told them 'you don't know how long you have left'. Rather fitting now.
Anyhow he was only at my house for 1hr and dropped this bombshell which really to me isn't a lot of time to answer questions. He had known the week before. He lives 50miles away by the way(not far).
This was also the day before we got the keys for our new house. So as you may guess I have been taking a lot on with the move, all phone calls for changing paperwork etc and immediate decorating and also making sure my oh is ok and giving her cuddles. I have asked if she wants to talk about it but she doesn't. Obviously she is working things out in her head. I have said she needs to see her dad and not just for an hour.
I feel for her dad but am also a little annoyed with how he has gone about it. 2 weeks without another word. I know he will be coming to terms with it but it has really destabilised our home life. I am trying my best to juggle work, sorting house and home improvements and be there for my oh. My oh on the other had is in a shell and doesn't really seem to notice me at the moment. I don't mean I expect sex or nights out etc I mean things just feel different like there is no love there. Like she doesn't want to share. She is very closed with emotions. She would rather stew on things so you never know what she is thinking.
I really don't know what else to put. Really hard to explain but it's like this bombshell has put a spanner in our relationship and even though I understand at the end of the day our relationship shouldn't become strained by her estranged fathers bombshell.
Any thoughts?
She hasn't told he best girlie friend about this. She grew up with her and knows her dad well. He's in his early 50's.
Also we don't have problems in our relationship. We had just had a very loving valentines 2 days before the bombshell and are a very strong couple.
Um. Sorry to hear this. You may have done this...but talk to Macmillan. Seriously. They are used to helping 'nearest and dearest' as well as the sufferers. I am doing the same because of my wife's condition.
Much sympathy for you. Use us here to vent and unload. You have a ton to deal with.
So does your OH. And her father. He's thrown a hell of a spanner into your lives, but it's a nuclear bomb in his own.
Loss of control is often a big component of these situations. Control what you can - like finding people who will listen to you complain without egging you on in it - and accept or negotiate what you can't - like how your OH copes.
Does she have any DIY skills? Practical labour with recognisable results might be helpful for her, a way of regaining a sense of control. Packing up could be difficult for her though, because that's moving towards closure in life in your old house, but unpacking in the new one is a new beginning, starting afresh. That might help her move towards making a new beginning with her father or at least feeling more settled in herself.
What do you need to do to take care of yourself so you have the patience to help her? Both of you will get through this, even if it seems like a very long road. You will make it.
Yeah bloke at work said this.
I wouldn't want to arrange this for my wife without talking to her. She is a very closed person and never really talks about issues. It's frustrating at times but in the 17 years I have known her she has never had to deal with something this big before. Emotionally it's like she has shut off and is distant with me. Something I haven't experienced before. I don't want to put the house on hold because she wants it done but I also want to get her to talk. Moving into our new family home was supposed to be exciting but it feels a bit of a dull dud.
I hope your wife and you get all the help you need Alastor.
She is helping arrange the house. Her dad seems to have come to terms with it or at least he has planned his future. It annoyed me that he was there an hour. It's his birthday this weekend and my wife panned to go up but he said he was busy. That has annoyed me some more. Still no time for my wife to talk to him. It's like he has said 'I have done my bit now deal with it'.
You certainly can't choose your family.
I thought that I would chip in, because I'm dealing with the same issue as your wife, but my parent's life expectancy is longer. Firstly, in your opinion, what's the designated allocated time for telling someone you have cancer? Because as far as I'm aware there's no set time, so there's no right or wrong way to do things. When I was told, he was here for 20 minutes. And that's it. I haven't complained once about it. My dad had known for 9 months before telling us, it was such a big deal to him and took him a lot of courage to tell me, he say with me while I balled my eyes out, told me what was happening and asked if I wanted to know anything. I didn't, because this was such a bombshell that I was numb, and couldn't even think of any questions to ask. After that he left, and I don't begrudge him for staying for 20 minutes. I know it was a very hard thing for him to do, and he doesn't want to sit and see his daughter crying over him. It's a dad's duty to love your children, and no matter how distant he is to your wife he still loves her. It will be hard for him to sit and see his wife upset over him, and then all the problems that he has himself and his own thoughts and issues on the matter. My dad is a very proud man, he doesn't want anyone feeling sorry for him, and to be honest, I think he would have left earlier if he could. I'm totally okay with that, that's his way of dealing with things and I don't think it's right that you're nit picking at however long he stayed there, he has his own issues to deal with, you weren't there so you don't know exactly how it all panned out and how he's feeling on the matter.
I understand that you have a lot on your case to deal with, especially with the timing of events with moving house and what not, but you've said "at the end of the day our relationship shouldn't become strained by her estranged fathers bombshell" - why? When I found out, me and my husband didn't have sex for three weeks. This is a huge thing to deal with and it doesn't matter how estranged he is, it's still someone in her life that she will lose and never ever see again. I'm sorry to say it, and I don't mean to offend you, but in my opinion you seem to be being awfully selfish with your expectations. You're expecting her to be 'okay' this is a deeply depressing issue to deal with, and it WILL affect your relationship whether you think it should or not. You commuted to "in sickness and in health", that doesn't just mean yours and hers, it's helping her through everything. There's no rule book that tells us how we deal with things, and everyone deals with things differently. Why does she have to share what's going on? Why does she have to tell her best friend? She doesn't have to do anything she doesn't want to, and she will deal with this her own way and her way only. You can't tell her to talk about it, you can't tell her to go and see her dad and you can't tell her to share what's going on with her best friend. All you can do is be there when she needs to, and try your best to continue life without any changes. She needs stability right now and it's your duty to provide that. You need to be strong, stop looking too much into things and deal with each day as it comes. My husband has been amazing with me. He's extremely close to my dad, so this has been incredibly hard on him too, but he hasn't thought about himself once. I had 6 weeks of hell trying to come to terms with all of what was going on, then to be met with two other very serious matters that affected my life really badly. I know it hurt my husband so much dealing with what was happening in my life, and hurt him seeing his wife so upset and desperate for relief in life, but him feeling powerless, he couldn't do anything at all apart from be there when I needed him and that's exactly what he did. And when I was ready, I opened up to him. Your relationship will go back to normal, and in fact your relationship will be even stronger, but you need to just sit back and let time heal. Let her come to you, don't tell her what she should and shouldn't be doing and just be there. That's all you need to do.
I understand you're moving home and you had expectations of it being exciting, but that can't happen right now, and she will love this new home eventually and leave the troubles in her old home where she was told about it. But you can't make her excited about it, and you can't make her talk about it. Any attempts of you to try and make her do those things will make everything 100% worse for you, her and your relationship.
You say that your annoyed with him for not seeing your wife, in a way I understand your annoyance, that isn't entirely fair. But he is practically staring into the barrel of a loaded gun, he's going to die, and soon, can you imagine feeling like that? You don't know what it can do to you. My dad doesn't want a horn fussing over him or treating him any differently, and he hates talking about it. I find out all the information from my mum, my dad just won't talk with me about it because he knows I get upset and a hates that something out of his control is making his whole family upset. He is also dealing with this his own way, and he too needs time to come to terms with it himself. You've also said your wife can't talk to him, but from what you've said she doesn't really want to talk about it. Does she really want to talk to him, or is it you that wants her to talk to him? They both need space, and although time is short and it's a difficult situation, it's valuable that they have this time, and it's really important that I stress that you can't have expectations, and you can't force anything at all. Just be there. It's so important you just be there.
I understand this is hard for you too and it's hard to see your wife upset, but it will get better, and everything will be okay in a few weeks when she has time to adjust to the idea and she lets her guard drop down again. Trust me, you have nothing to worth about if you just be there x
I was trying to show the understanding but without appearing selfish. Sex hasn't come in to it. I'm not naive to think everyone deals with grief the same way. What I do have is experience of family members given months to live 4 infact, my mums sisters and brother. Unfortunately my mums side are high risk.
My oh wanted to see her dad this weekend but he is busy. Now what is awkward about this is it follows a trait that has happened since she was 13. My fear being that questions won't be answered and it will all be left in limbo. Her dad cut all contact with his own family and even changed his surname so even his sons carry his original surname but he doesn't. He has run away from his parents and seems to have done the same to his children. Maybe my oh is a little more confused with how she is feeling. Maybe he is feeling confused about his feeling. These questions about the past have never been answered. My wife has wanted to shout at him for many years and even more so since she has had children. I will be there for sure but fear this regret they are probably both feeling will last a lot longer for my oh unless these questions and possibly shouting are answered.
I understand how you're feeling, but these are her issues to deal with, not necessarily yours. If she wants the answers she will fight for them herself. The ball needs to be firmly in her court, and you need to let it be that way.
Stuburns wrote:
I hope your wife and you get all the help you need Alastor.
Thanks. Likewise.
Knowing my oh as an adult as side which her father doesn't I know she will just let it stew. She isn't confrontational in the least. Maybe this will force her to say what she needs too. I know how she has felt about her dad. He's been married 3x now. Although he only has children from his first. His 2nd marriage he had a step daughter and he real kids were pushed further back. His 3rd marriage was last week for obvious reasons. I just hope she does get out what she needs to because I fear if she doesn't clear the air it will damage her long term when he isn't there. I'm a firm believer that you should live with regret. I have seen damaged caused at funerals and after funerals with family and some of those regrets are still affecting people close to me.
Shouldn't live with regret*
I understand what you mean. It will be hard if it comes to that. But no matter how timid she is, if she wants answers she will peruse them herself. She knows the end is drawing in and she will have answers she wants. But in the meantime just be silent on the matter, and comfort her and be there for her. It's still very raw and she will open up to you about it soon, and ask your opinions on things and then you can have your say, but I wouldn't press her at the moment x
Just going to keep this brief as there's a lot already on here. You just need to be there for her Stu. It might take a long time for her to become ready to come out of that shell but when she does you're going to be needed. And when she comes out the other side you'll be loved just as much if not more than before. Don't take her current reaction to heart - you've said she's thinking things through, so give her the freedom to do that but be supportive at the same time and try and stay impartial but agree with her.
I'm sure you know all this already really :)
Best wishes
Physically I'm absolutely knackered. With almost single handedly sorting 2 houses out, the one we have bought and the rental we had for a while. Not to mention all the phone calls and new utility,insurance accounts and work, kids etc. I'm also decorating and fitting alarm to the house which I know she wants done because we talked about what needed doing straight away before we got the keys. So I'm not spending any time with her because on the one hand these jobs need doing so my daughter can have her own room and the house will be secure and then feeling like I'm not there at the moment she may want to talk. I don't know if she wants me to just sit down with her or she just wants me to get on with stuff. They both could end with the same result that I'm not paying her attention or if I keep asking if she wants to talk then I keep mivering her. I stuck between the 'does no mean yes'. Even if my oh has no direction at the moment I'm questioning if my direction is right. I have no idea.
Is there any chance you could take her out for a meal one night? With no intentions of talking, just for a treat. She may open up to you then, when you spend some quality time together.
We usually do on a Saturday night. But will have to see if she is up for it this Saturday. Funnily Sunday is planned. She wants us to go sofa shopping and we need a coat rack. I'm usually just there to barter.
It's nice she's making plans and looking at the future though, maybe a nice coffee and a cake when you're out. It'll all be fine when the dust settles x