I have been with my partner for 11 year. (we are both only 29) I have recently found out he is watching porn alone which is fine. But he won’t tell. Me what sort of things he’s watching. We do have sex regularly but it’s nothing to steamy. We do have a couple of toys which he will only use once in a while. How can I make it better? He feels bad that I know he’s watching porn personly I don’t mind and I have told him this but he won’t discuss it with me. I am open minded as to trying new things 
also any porn for biginner to watch together. I will get my sex lif back 
Please help
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Its difficult when he won’t explain. It is so good that you are so open minded and willing to discus things. Have you watched any porn? If so could you explain to him what you liked, it may open him up a little and get him to talk. Does he feel embarrassed for watching it, or could he be watching something he thinks you would be against gay, anal, BDSM etc? I hope others can give you better,more advice but the important thing is you are willing to discuss and open minded. Good luck
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I don’t really know what to suggest, my boyfriend watches it and he’s told me what’s he’s into and he’s been open with me. Could you maybe watch some yourself and then you can have a discussion about it?? Or could you maybe just say something like - I know you’re uncomfortable discussing porn and what you watch but I would like to know what sort of things you like?
Maybe watching some porn together (if he’s open to it) that way you could both discuss what you’re willing to try?
Good luck 
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Hello and welcome @Looking 
It can take some practice to become used to talking about sex and specific fantasies and desires, and sometimes the porn we watch has very little in common with things we actually want to do in real life. If you’re fine with him watching porn, and it’s not negatively interfering with your lives, then you could leave him to it and concentrate on things you enjoy together?
This forum is actually a really good place to use as a springboard into those types of conversations. Me and Mrs Chimp have discussed so much more stuff than we normally would have, purely based on topics I’ve been reading here on the boards (“I’ve just read this on the forum…”). I can’t say we’ve tried all of it, but it’s definitely made talking about what we do want much easier.
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It’s great that your open minded & open to trying new things, it could be he might be watching something that you might not be willing to try, his fantasy?!?!?
Obviously it helps talking & I know some people struggle to chat about their fantasies with there partner. I know myself as my wife struggles to talk about things like that., so it’s like a process of elimination, which can take a while
In regards to porn there’s loads out there maybe something off pornhub there’s different categories to choose from obviously not hardcore or rough unless that’s what you or your partner are into. 
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I’m with @Ian_Chimp on this one, maybe leave him to it and let him talk to you when he’s ready.
I watch porn sometimes and my husband doesn’t. I don’t talk to him about what I watch because I worry that it would upset him and I’m too embarrassed. If we watch porn together, which is very rare, then I let him pick and we tend to watch quite soft, lesbian porn which I wouldn’t chose to watch alone. It might be that he doesn’t feel comfortable talking about it because he’s embarrassed or feels some shame or guilt about watching it (I’m not saying that he should feel this way - watching porn is normal and no one should feel shame - but these feelings are quite common, I have them too). Maybe it’s best to leave him to it, tell him that you’re happy to talk about it if and when he wants too.
In the meantime, you can have a separate conversation about your relationship and what you would like to try. You could discuss your fantasies and ask him if there are things that he would be open to trying. I think there is an app/ website where you can compare your “kinks” / fantasies - you complete separate questionnaires and the app then shows you both any overlapping interests but doesn’t show the other person anything that you showed an interest in and they didn’t, if that makes sense? It avoids the embarrassment of you saying that you want to try something that is a no go for him and vice versa. I can’t remember what it’s called but maybe someone else can?
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I have a brainfart every time they crop up. I think these are the ones that have been mentioned before:
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Once in a blue moon when my wife goes away on a work trip she watches ‘rough’ porn. I try to get to the bottom what this rough porn is like and she gives me a bit of a description and I’ve asked a few times for her to share with me any links of good ones that she watches.
She just said she likes watching it and that’s perfectly fine and I ask her if she wants me to more rough with her, gently choke her or spank here etc but she said she’s not into that but just likes watching it which is fine and I don’t mind at all.
We both occasionally use butt plugs and have anal sex. 9/10 when I watch porn myself it’s anal porn. Mainly because my wife of 19 years we hardly ever have anal so it’s different for me and I also just quite enjoy watching that and double penetration.
She jokes and knows I watch anal porn but she doesn’t mind either.
We have tried watching porn together but she’s incredibly fussy.
We watched some porn and I thought it was perfectly fine and then she says that guy is ugly and doesn’t do anything for me at all! I think men might be a bit more laid back on the porn style looks hehe.
She does say “you know it’s just porn right and not real life and it’s all staged and they’re all made up the eyeballs and potentially edited a bit to make them look even sexier and trim etc”.
Herself and her friends none of them that have tried anal like it but some have done it for their husbands just to help with their kink. Normal PIV sex with my wife is perfectly fine too but I do like anal sex a few times a year with her.
Sometimes watching porn is just a solo fantasy session.
There’s a small chance he might be watching something very hardcore or odd or possible even gay or bi or a man being pegged which he doesn’t want you to know about or maybe a different genre that he’s a bit embarrassed about.
Hopefully he will open up to you but if he’s nice and respects you and doesn’t do anything bad then it might just have to something personal he keeps to himself. Good luck. (from a survey it shows that men watch more porn than women but when women watch porn it’s normally a bit more extreme / rough!)
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Hmm I think your doing right by trying to encourage him and keeping the line for communication open. Annoyingly many men aren’t good at the communicating thing and of course for some people in general they like to keep their personal solo porn play sessions to themselves which is totally fine and healthy but sometimes watching too much porn can desensitise the mind to actual sex in making it not feel as pleasurable as it is in videos so I’d defo be aware of this while trying to encourage to spice things up, even if you was to put some porn on one evening so he can walk in on you watching it and get him to join you.
Ultimately you know him best and the sorts of things he enjoys so might be interesting to find out more on the things that gets him horny and exploring it while satisfying your needs too
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Mojoupgrade has been overhauled recently and is a bit more user friendly
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I might be reading into this a little more than I should, but it seems the porn aspect is pretty much null and void?
Yes, he is watching it, and for whatever reason (maybe guilt, shame, fear of judgement) he doesn’t feel comfortable with delving into what he is watching. And it is most likely a protection thing - he doesn’t want to risk upsetting you or you thinking you’re not enough etc.,
I think the bigger thing is that you’re wanting to make your sex life more adventurous/exciting than it currently is?
If that is the case, then maybe put the porn aspect to one side. The more important thing is finding out what sort of things might be hitting his buttons, and of course one thing to consider, what sort of thing would make your sex life better for you?
If he finds it difficult in talking about his desires, or fantasies, maybe lead the way yourself. Make a suggestion of what you might like to try? Maybe you’d like to dress up for him - what would he like, or ask him to buy you a LH outfit as a surprise to wear. Maybe there is a ‘safe’ fantasy of yours you might want to try?
If you lead the way, he may be happier sharing his thoughts. If he is not keen on your suggestions, could ask him what would make it better for him.
If that feels a little too much to try, and he isn’t keen to talk, then could perhaps write to him or do it via phone message - some people find it easier to talk about personal sex stuff in that way.
In terms of watching stuff together, maybe something like the 50 shades movies would be a safe erotic place to start, and see what kind of reaction you get, if it gets you both going tell him you enjoyed and ask if he’d find something a little harder for you both to watch next week or something.
I guess what I’m saying is if he feels he has a little direction and feels it is safe, he is likely to open up a little more, but if its changes in sex life you’re looking for, focus on that.
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Thank you everyone 
I will take all the advice on board. I am absolutely open to anything he want to do. We have spoken about it over the last couple of days he says it’s mostly quite ruff bondges stuff he has been watching. Won’t let me watch it with or without him so I can get a idea of it.
My replay to this was my prays have been answered 
do it to me 
I’ll order anything you want right now. he knows I like ruff but he’s very reluctant to be ruff with me. I think its more off he want to make love were as I want f**ked.
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Yes, this is something took me a little while to get my head around, being rough, restricting and impact play with someone you love - it goes against how I was bought up, my morals etc.,
I think it is a case of take it a step at a time, and talking before and after.
For example, can start with spanking with hand or paddles, and make sure there are safe words. He will hopefully see from your reactions that you are enjoying it, and with time he will see it as safe. Talking after, explaining the bits you enjoyed will help reinforce that too.
And of course, add in after-play care too, being intimate, holding each other, knowing you’re both safe. You’ll both find your way around it all quick enough, but slow and steady wins the race and gives plenty for both to look forward too!
Great progress though with the comms, normally the hardest part. Have fun the pair of you!
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I have suggested we watch something together which currently he’s not willing todo 
porn isent really my thing but I would watch it for him. We are both quite different people he is quite serious mostly because of his job I think. were as I am just so laid back about most thing. At first I felt like I wasn’t doing enough for him but now I know it’s not that I am absolutely fine with it. I suppose it’s just one of those things
It sounds like you are doing everything you can regarding this issue. You sound like a very understanding lady, who is very open minded and willing to try anything once. I would say an excellent partner to have. You have started the communication and I am sure the future looks very good for the both of you. @Looking
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