Am I wrong wanting more? (3sum)

Sex Tips & Talk
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Hello this is my first time posting and asking advice about our sex life so please don’t judge and be kind.

Myself and my partner have been together for 15 years our sex life was great when we first met of course and after many years together and even having a child together the quality of the sex was always good just the quantity started to diminish.

My partner has a good friend who she sees quite regularly mostly for the kids playdates and the occasional shopping dates, recently they have grown very close and we all joked and laughed about the two girls getting naughty in the bedroom and in a conversation with my partner I expressed that I thought it was quite a turn on and I gave her permission to have fun with her friend aslong as she gets some videos and or pictures, as time went on her friend’s partner also expressed his thoughts on this and also agreed to allow it on the same terms, they have had a few times together now and I am enjoying seeing the proof, myself and my partner have even noticed that we have been having sex more now like we used to when we first met so we agree it has improved our sex life.

I have expressed to my partner that I would love to be more involved, either just to watch or join in but she’s not exactly keen on the idea, my question is am I wrong for wanting to be more involved and should I respect my partners choice not to let me be more involved?

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In all honesty I think it’s great you feel secure in your relationship to have agreed to this but inserting yourself in to the situation alters that agreement.
What happens when your partners friend other half wants to join in.
How would you feel about that and more importantly your partner feel about that.
You have entered very dangerous territory with this arrangement and communication and being 100% honest and truthful with each other is the only way forward.
You have 4 people involved in this so all of you need to communicate.

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It’s a man’s fantasy to imaging his partner having sex with another woman and while it’s a good thought reality is not always that simple

Imaging you told her you wanted to have sex with another man - how would she feel.

Technically there is nothing wrong and maybe she will enjoy it - I have in the past enjoyed a woman’s body - however I prefer to be with a man

I suggest have an open and honest talk - no bars held - ask her is there anything she wants off you - does she have a kink and also is there anything you want to do such as anal / crossdressing/ spanking/ dressing up or 3 somes.

Please talk to her - the idea she takes photos for you to see is very wrong - but you may feel you may loose part of her if she continues

Please talk to her. A love life sometimes needs a spark to ignite especially after children

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This is something that she wants to explore. She has been amazing to share details and pictures of her lesbian sessions. She may not want you involved. You need to discuss this further without putting too much pressure on her.

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To be honest I am surprised that she shares pictures of what she gets up to with her friend.

I think that it is great that you feel secure enough in your relationship with your partner that she is able to see her friend, but I think that this might just be a special time for just her and her friend without an audience.

It is one of those instances where you will need to be invited and if she doesn’t want you there then you may just need to accept it.

It seems to be most men’s fantasies to see their OH with another women, but I am not sure whether the reality is that enduring, as you are now finding out. I feel that you may actually want to know what happens apart from the bits she is willing to share with you.

I would wager that the sex is only a small portion of what happens when they are together, it probably more sensual than just sex.

I fear that you may need to accept the status quo, now the genie is out of the bottle.

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I don’t think you’re wrong for wanting to be more involved, but I think you’re wrong for thinking you have the right to be more involved.

You have to remember that it’s not just your wife that needs to be considered, it’s her friend and her friends partner too.
Maybe the two women don’t want each others partners involved. Adding men would change their dynamic and maybe they don’t want it to change and thats ok. They’re allowed to want to keep things for themselves.

Your sex life isn’t suffering because of it, so losing your wife obviously isn’t a concern, assuming the friends situation is possibly similar.
I don’t think there’s anything wrong with your wife taking photos and videos, seeing as that was your stipulation when you encouraged them to become bedfriends.

Depending on how the conversation was initiated when you spoke to her previously about this, I would suggest speaking to her again. If you’ve already talked it through properly and you’ve both explained your views and she has said no, then you need to respect that. If it was an off the cuff comment, then you need to have a proper discussion. But if she says no again, then you need to leave it be.

I’m sure you’ve got more fantasies than this, why don’t you talk to your wife about those and see if she’d like to be involved so that you could have something thats just for you two.
Obviously not in a tit for tat way, but something that you might want to experience for yourself, pegging, watersports, bondage, sub/Dom etc.

Edited to add a missed word.

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As I understand it you encouraged your wife to explore with her friend which she had subsequently done (and even shared images with you for your enjoyment).

The questions you now need to consider are

  1. are you happy for your wife to continue enjoying “time” with her friend without your involvement ?
  2. if you were to be involved would you happy with your wife also being involved with the other ladies husband?

You’ve got to understand that this is a four way street rather than two way. There are after all four people involved here.

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So everyone has an agreement, and are abiding by the terms of said agreement, but now you want to change those terms so you can be more involved? You’re already getting something out of it (pictures and videos), and now you want to have physical involvement? (Even just being in the room)

I don’t think that’s really fair, your partner and her friend are meeting your and her OH’s terms, they’re having fun and exploring something with eachother. To change up the terms could not only disrupt the dynamic, but change your relationship/friendship with this other couple.

Perhaps if you’re wanting to explore a threesome, look elsewhere? Talk to your wife about maybe you could go out to a swingers club if she’s comfortable with that, but I wouldn’t intrude on your wife and her friend’s current dynamic. The fact that she wasn’t keen on you joining in says enough in my opinion, if it’s anything less than full, enthusiastic consent, it’s a no.

The ‘should I respect my partners choice’ is already a yes from me. You should absolutely be respecting her decision.

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You are correct @FortySomethingWife this is now a 4 way relationship.

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I agree with the above.
It’s 4 people involved. All the time it was just the 2 women, the other guy was happy, but you need his permission first.
I know I would put a block on it.

You are not wrong for asking, because if you don’t ask… you don’t get.
If any of the other 3 say no, then you will just have to accept it.
Good luck though

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It sounds like maybe you guys have entered into an agreement and maybe not talked it through properly, or really considered the boundaries.
For example, lets say they are happy for you to sit and watch. For the first time, that would be new, exciting. The second, third, novelty wares off, and you want more. Which is pretty much where you’re at now - initially the thought of the ladies together was exciting, as long as you got your kicks with pics/vids. Those were the initial ‘terms’ set forth it sounds, and maybe the ‘new want’ is moving the goalposts a little?
There is nothing wrong with the ‘want’. But as others have suggested, there should be absolutely no sense of entitlement on your part, or the other guys for that matter - the format and terms were suggested, and it sounds like the ladies are completely upholding their side. I would expect the ladies have a completely different, more sensual view, on the arrangement, rather than the typical male perception.

The fact that she has said she is not keen, that is indeed something that not only should, but has to be respected.
Ultimately you cannot force yourself to be involved, that would be disastrous on many levels. Would you withdraw consent because you’re no longer getting the kicks you were from it?
I would expect that is unlikely to go down well with.

The difficulty with making fantasies a reality, a lot of feelings and emotional considerations go out the window, and the excitement of it all takes over.
As others have suggested, what if the friends hubby wants involvement? Would you be happy with him being intimate with your wife?
Reading the post, it sounds like it is all about what you want out of this, and perhaps the fear of missing out?

The only other thing I would mention is the ‘progression’.
Initially, it started as a turn on that the two ladies would be together, and wanting to see that. It sounds like you took the idea of the ladies being intimate to your wife, and also the terms.
The novelty and excitement of that has maybe settled a little, and there’s that ‘need’ of a little more for yourself from it.

It sounds like there really needs a good honest 100% open conversation around it, but that also needs to be on the basis that the idea was put forward to the ladies and they are fulfilling exactly what was asked of them.

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There’s a number of possible scenarios and outcomes to this one ranging from stepping back and allowing her to explore this new experience to the other extreme where you and possibly the other guy get involved and it turns sour. You could lose everything you’ve got.
Personally, I’d drop it and allow their relationship to run its course without any pressure from you or the other partner.
If you take the next step and she allows you to watch, you know damn well that it’ll only be a matter of time before that’s not enough for you and you’ll want to escalate your involvement still further.
You’ve started this particular ball rolling and it may already be too late to stop it so my purely personal advice, let it go!

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Hey welcome to the Forum!
Of course always respect your partner’s choices but also your not wrong for wanting to be more involved as we all get urges to explore… only downside is you’d have to expect this to be ok for the other husband as well.
There’s also that thing of things getting complicated so your best bets are to simply talk it out and communicate on it

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Hmmm she might just like the f/f time