Here’s my predicament. My husband is quiet vanilla when it comes to sex , same routine every other week. Ive recently got him to vaginally fist me a couple of times but he does it for about 5 mins which isnt enough.
I have a massive kink for anal play , and have been embracing this myself with toys . He would be devastated if he knew. But sex with him just now , just isnt fulfilling my desire anymore . I would love to do this with him as i often fantasise about his whole hand up my ass but its never gonna happen
Im approaching mid 40s now and instead of curtailing my kinks, I need to embrace them.
@Kinkmilf43 try chatting to him , he is clearly a lucky man , it is usually the man wanting more , I am lucky as my partner lets me lick her bum and sometimes i slip a finger in her ass , I would love her to be more kinky , maybe next time you shower and have fun togther , tell him how clean you are and ask him to lick your pussy then lift your legs and ask him to rim you as he fingers your pussy , sure this will turn him on , then ask him to swap holes and lick your pussy and slip a finger in your bum , tell him how good it feels and to slip 2 fingers in your bum .
Exploring new kinks alone is healthy but completely understand that it’s not the same when you wish to do it with a partner. Perhaps if you do tell him that you’ve been exploring, express that you wanted to experiment without the pressure of considering if he would enjoy it.
Being open and honest isn’t always the easiest especially about kinks you fear your partner won’t be into but you never know where those conversations could lead. It might help to start small, say you’d like him to use his fingers on you or that you got a toy to try out and you’d like him to use it on you.
@Kinkmilf43 welcome to the forum and embrace your desires
Just ask him what sexuality he would like and then he should ask you ..
We did this years ago (we were boring in bed) and he asked to wear my knickers and be spanked over my knee ..
we started this and I asked for more oral and sex toys and then he asked if I could peg him - and so we both enjoy anal and oral and he loves dressing in lingerie and being spanked.
Sex is like food, some people like it spicy, some like it bland. Telling someone who is convinced they love bland food to try something spicy may not get the desired response. You can bring up your desire, out of the bedroom, and see where it goes. Prepare to be disappointed though.
This is correct. One needs to be aware the conversation could lead to disappointment.
From this a couple of points.
Firslty, not every one will embrace everything first time. Incremental wins are wins - they just take time. Some people need time to get around changing demands.
Secondly, if he isn’t into it for himself, would he mind trying for you? It doesn’t need to be aggravating. You’d like to try something nee and see if you like it both? Once tried 2 or 3 times, then decisions can be made in full knowledge. (Once or twice usually isn’t enough)
So much great advice here. Talk, talk, talk, discuss, be persistent. Your husband says everything is fine, but it is not. You have to tell him. Then take the baby steps everyone mentioned as you introduce your desires. My wife did, eventually leading me on an adventure that we are still on. She was much more experienced, I am thrilled to be on this journey with her but it did take a few years to get me truly going along side her. Now the shoe is on the other foot as I broaden her horizons. Our last time together she thanked me for keeping us moving along, I thanked her because without her we’d still be back in the dark ages sexually. It takes teamwork to find the right balance, much patience, a great deal of time, but constant work as a couple. Sometimes you will have to lead, other times he will, then there are those harmonious times when you are hand in hand side by side. Sounds like the next few steps are yours and it may takes years but you must have many talks with your husband and never be afraid to tell him, ‘Things are not fine, we need to work on…’
It’s tough to go on a journey of new discovery as a couple when only one of you is actively working on new things. Getting shamed for bringing up sexual subjects does not inspire sharing, which is what I am experiencing. Trying to find ways to gradually introduce a new concept without sounding pushy is so hard ,and respecting your partner, and their feelings is also crucial. Everyone has their own history with sex, finding what path they took to arrive at who they are can help by giving insight in how they perceive sexual play. I am reading a book about libidos and how they work, and change over time. It is helping me come to grips with what things affect sexuality beyond just the penis and vulva. I will keep trying to open the doors to different things, though I have come to the conclusion that I may need to carry on myself.
First things first, you need to take it slow in expressing your wishes with your partner. A heart to heart conversation regarding what you like and what you want is a must needed conversation. However some of the extremities need to be left on the side line, atleast for now. Firstly you want him to initiate anal play, so let’s not scare him away by saying come on shove your fist in my arse. Step by step one thing at a time.
Do you ever take the lead in the bedroom, ie you going on top etc….. have you ever just tried to be on top and tried to manoeuvre his penis to your arse and go down on it this way? If so how was his response to this?
Vanilla people can bring out their kinks, it’s just finding out what they like. He could be hiding loads of kinks and just unsure of your reaction to them, afraid he’ll scare you off.
Me and my partner have been together 17years, and this was my issue, she was also very vanilla at first, now she’s my free personal Dominatrix, and we have the most amazing sex life, it took me around 9-10 years to finally start experimenting, however somethings are still a no go.
At the end of the day if he does not want to you cannot force him to do it. I dont think there are many men that would turn down the opportunity for anal as the giver but there will always be some that will turn it down either because of any potential mess of as some will think if they like it does it mean they are gay. But you have to respect their decision as it’s their choice.
@Kinkmilf43 you need to talk with him , I am sure he will feel an incredibly lucky man , may i ask if he wanted to try new things would you be willing to try , if he asked something like rimming him or trying water sports , but it was something you felt a little uncomfy , how would you feel. From a mans point of view , i would love to ask my partner to try new things , but would hate to offend her
That’s where I’m at. I know my wife won’t be into it so I have to fulfill the fantasy of her pegging me by using toys. She is also not into kink and I miss being more playful. I’m a bit older in my mid 50s. I feel the same way and worry the toys won’t be enough.