I have carried a lot of guilt and shame about sex forever. Just opened the door a couple days ago with my wife about trying new things sexually, sharing my fantasies and desires was difficult. One thing I did not mention yet is anal play, for both of us, and the potential of enhancing our orgasmic sensations. Even the idea of anal intercourse, which I never entertained before. So much to explore if you are open to it.
Oh gheez, you do not have anything to feel guilty about. Yes you are married. Yes you hope to share everything and enjoy everything with your husband. He could be one of those 1 in a million lackluster types, but they are very few. I assume he is your age, at that age, he should be super into sex. Check the porn thing and his on masturbation time. Just in case.
In college my roommates got into porn so I was around it a lot. I overheard their girlfriend talking how sick of it they were, the guys paid less and less attention to them. The girls stopped dating the guys and I moved in with them. We were of the same mind. It took a while for all the crud to get out of my head, I had to detox. This happened at work as well and my wife had to help me detox from it once again.
As for going it alone, you do not have too. Play play play play out in the open with him around. In the home office, in the kitchen, as he showers, in the bedroom, tv room, garage (yeah we’ve both done that one many times to get the other’s attention). Do your thing, calling out his name loud and proud as you talk through Very Descriptively what you are doing making certain there is no doubt he knows what you are into.
Enjoy yourself with him knowing what you are doing. My wife did it to get me to snap out of a funk once. Years later I had to so the same thing for her. Even if she had never snapped out of it, I was having fun including her even though she didn’t care at the time. Plus it was relieving knowing she knew, I was not hiding anything from her. No guilt, freedom to do, when she ignored me, I knew she knew everything no matter what.
Don’t worry about tomorrow, enjoy it now. I’ve learned, do not hold back with one’s spouse. They may not join in but no one can stop you having at it yourself and including them into it verbally. Try adding mirrors (a trick my wife taught me) and RP she is there doing you as a machine, strapon, wall toy, and so forth is doing you. Always do it out in the open where she is.
I listened to a podcast yesterday that was all about anal play, and it was very enlightening. As they said on the program, everyone has an anus, no matter what their gender or sexual alignment, which is really the cool thing that makes anal play universally advantageous. However, there is so much stigma associated with back door play, that many people do not give it a chance. With my wife and I just beginning to open up a tiny bit, sexually, very late in life, 70’s, that means it will take time and gentleness to embrace the notion of it. I know from years ago, when we were first together, that there were times when in the heat of passion, I slipped a pinkie around or into her bum, as I was pleasuring her vagina, and she reacted with a tremendous orgasm. So the possibly of regaining that option is certainly there, we just haven’t talked about it yet. And with her difficulty reaching orgasm at times, anal stimulation, or, even anal intercourse might be a real good option to try.
@Kinkmilf43 I had an ex who was only into anal play, she actually introduced me to it and I’ve loved giving and receiving anal ever since. She was incredibly forward and instead of asking whether I’m into it, she simply got naked on all fours, added lube and shoved two fingers in her butt. I was told to watch while she got herself off. I realised quickly that she LOVED this. It also helped that we both showered prior- I think reluctancy can sometimes come from the idea that a butt might be unclean.
Apologies if you’ve answered this and I simply missed it, but have you actually asked him, specifically, to try some anal play on you? I feels like a lot of guys who are generally satisfied with their sex lives won’t immediately respond to “is there anything new you’d like to try?” with anal, either because they’re afraid it would turn their partner off or because it’s not a specific desire for them. But a lot of them would still be happy to do it if their partner asked for it directly!
If you’ve asked and he’s said no, that’s a totally different issue, but if the conversation has just fizzled when he didn’t immediately bring something up, you might benefit from being a little more direct. I tried to initiate the “anything new you’d like to try?” conversation with my wife a few times and didn’t get much out of her, but when I finally just told her about one of my fantasies in detail it ended up being a huge turn-on for her. The end result was I had to come up with new fantasies, because not only did I get to live out my old ones, but they became a regular part of our sex life because she ended up being more into them than I’d ever dreamed.
I know it can be hard to open up about these things to your partner when you feel like there’s a risk of rejection, but sometimes it’s the only way you can ever hope to get to live them out. If you’re already unsatisfied with your sex life, I’d even say it’s critical that you open up to him before it ends up building resentment that has a larger effect on your marriage. Even if he says no, you might be able to find some middle ground that satisfies both of you, but you’ll never know unless you talk about it!
Any updates? Have you opened up to him about it? Done any in front of him, around him? Showing him that you are moving forward, hopefull with him…