I really need advice. I recently started a sexual relationship with a new partner who is well endowed.
My problem is he's into anal sex. I am a total anal virgin apart from a finger last time we had sex which just felt wrong but I've read that's pretty normal.
We have discussed that I'm very nervous about anal play but will try but the thought if my first anal sex apart from the painful wrong hole as a teenager being with a very large man is terrifying.
I've read to build up to it with toys but from beads, finger and butt plug up to a penis that's at least 7 inches in circumference is a massive leap. He's struggled vaginally with some women as it's that large so I really need to see if anyone has been in a similar situation and can give advise. Even worse is when I'm nervous I end up in the loo which adds to the stress! .
I'm trying to be more adventurous after a boring marraige but is this one step to far?
Hi, my partner is also on the large side, not quite as large as seven inches, but above average and anal play is something that took around four to five months of warming up for us to be able to do. It's not something that will happen overnight and as this is a new partner for you anyway, there's even more reasons not to rush it. Going faster than your body is ready for can be dangerous and you're more likely to experience discomfort by trying to go before your body has been prepared.
Can I ask what you mean by it felt wrong when there was a finger back there? As in, you didn't like the sensation? You felt like you needed to make a bowel movement? Or was it along the lines of being taught that anal is wrong and dirty, so you felt off about it?
If he is truly around seven inches in girth, I'd completely forget about having anal sex with him for the time being. You can build up to it with sex toys, alone or together. It's not a huge leap to go to his size if you have used a butt plug of a similar size beforehand. That is still several steps away though. If all you've taken before is a finger, start with a very petite plug.
Examples;
https://www.lovehoney.co.uk/product.cfm?p=33939
https://www.lovehoney.co.uk/product.cfm?p=30704
https://www.lovehoney.co.uk/product.cfm?p=37925
If you use this on a regular basis (every day or other day) for 20-30 minutes you will become used to feeling something inserted back there and hopefully it will begin to feel more enjoyable as time passes. Once you feel comfortable with the petite plugs, work to a small, then a medium, then a large. You can use beads like this (https://www.lovehoney.co.uk/product.cfm?p=35504) to train your body to manage length and an increase in girth.
Most important thing is not to rush, go at your own pace and use a ton of lube. I recommend using an anal specific lube, preferably one that's quite thick. We really like this one (https://www.lovehoney.co.uk/product.cfm?p=31585). It should provide an extra layer of cushioning and comfort.
If play becomes painful at any time, stop. You're moving too quickly or there's not enough lube involved. Anal is not supposed to hurt.
Good luck!
7" girth? crikey! that would make my eyes water.
why do you think its wrong? - we need to establish why you felt it was 'wrong' in order to better advise you whether to actually go forward with anal or not. Because if it felt wrong as in you were blaspheming God then fair enough dont go ahead with it. If it felt wrong because you needed to poo or its just 'naughty' then you are just curious but of course with reservations.
Invest in an anal douche - they clean your back passage so no poo ruins the mood!
https://www.lovehoney.co.uk/sex/better-anal-sex/anal-douches/
If you dont know how to use them then Lovehoney have made a video on how to use them:
https://www.lovehoney.co.uk/sex-toys/anal-sex-toys/buyers-guide/how-to-use-an-anal-douche/
Looks like a newer video on how to use douches with Jess Wilde and noticed theres a 50% off anal toys right now too...
You are not going to take 7" just like that. You two need to make a joint effort to work up to his girth, so you dont hurt yourself. Plenty of lube, patience and beginner then on to intermedite butt plugs/anal toys are the way forward
🐼
You could try using a set like this to work up in size
https://www.lovehoney.co.uk/product.cfm?p=3539
then try this; https://www.lovehoney.co.uk/product.cfm?p=350
the above is about the same size as you say your partner is though the LH brand one is on offer its slightly bigger but both will look huge, once you can get used to the feeling they can be really nice to use, try using on your own at first.
I agree with both the comments above. Make sure you are clean, take your time (months, not weeks) and constant practice.
So, some advice:
Bum stuff can be painful, but then so can front bottom stuff. The key, with everything, is to chill out. This isn't as easy as you'd think, because we've been trained our whole lives that bottoms are dirty and that is where stuff comes out, but doesn't go in. It is going to take you a LONG time to get comfortable with something in your bottom, and thats Ok. If your partner is into anal, then he will enjoy going on this journey with you. Involve him. Show him and practice with him.
E45 make a shower creme, it comes in a squirty bottle. Use this daily in the shower and start really massaging your little rosebud. Slowly work up to having your little finger (just the tip) until your can have your whole forefinger inside. Then start to work in two or even three fingers. This will not be done in a morning, you should be aiming for at least a month or more for this.
E45 is great because its a cleaning product, but it also keeps you moisturised for a long time after your shower. This in addition to some good anal lube will allow you to start using your bottom during masturbation/foreplay. Start with something super small, and very shiny (with lots of lube), and dont move it about, just keep it in there (not during sex). Ideally like a sharpie pen size (not the lid end). The more you orgasm with something stimulating you there, the more you will enjoy it, relax and even crave it!
Work up to bigger toys slowly, and allow yourself to enjoy what you have before you move up. A "kit" like this may help:
https://www.lovehoney.co.uk/product.cfm?p=35782
Do not start on beads, or textured toys, or life size dildos. Your bottom will spring back and be tight after each texture, and you want to allow yourself to become accustomed and start to really enjoy each feeling before you graduate to a bigger toy.
Butt plugs are great, I personally love them, but not great for training you to receive bigger toys, as you are stretched during insert and removal, but not really whilst you are wearing. If you like the idea, then I would go for either a stainless steel or a glass toy for long term wearing.
When you are really happy with things being in your bottom (but static), only then graduate to things moving in and out (more like sex). This is because this action damages the fragile wall of your bottom, and this can be made worse by stressing out about it! Start with something smooth (ie a glass/metal dildo like this: https://www.lovehoney.co.uk/product.cfm?p=30942). Use LOTS of anal lube and take it easy.
Allow yourself to become really happy with this before you move onto more textured toys (ie beads or dildos with veins).
Finally, dont automatically assume that you can have something in your bottom whilst you are having vaginal sex, especially if your partner is big. This will tighten you (which may be bad if you are already stretched to fit him in), and can cause micro tears around your lips and inside (which will feel like a mild burning sensation). Just take it easy and figure out what you like. Having said that, personally feeling something inside my partners bottom whilst we are having sex will make both us cum in minutes - so don't dismiss the idea!
Enjoy - and welcome to your new sexual liberation!
Lots and lots of lube, but also take your time and take control. Nothing worse than being nervous as it clenches your muscles and make hard work pardon the pun. Maybe try a love honey dilator kit to help ease him in xx
Thanks all. It felt wrong as in not natural.
I've tried to explain the major concerns with 8 inches length and massive girth not being great for my first actual sex but he says he's come across this before, I'm sure he has as he's bi but not with my bum, I don't really care about others as my bum is my concern.
I've bought a couple of butt plugs to see if I can get used to the feeling. Thanks for the advise about anal beads thou.
My massive concern is the blood vessels in the bum when reading up they bleed during anal sex. I'm in blood thinners. I bleed at the drop of a hat and I'd be mortified anding up in a&e explaining that.
hippy wrote:
Thanks all. It felt wrong as in not natural.
I've tried to explain the major concerns with 8 inches length and massive girth not being great for my first actual sex but he says he's come across this before, I'm sure he has as he's bi but not with my bum, I don't really care about others as my bum is my concern.
I've bought a couple of butt plugs to see if I can get used to the feeling. Thanks for the advise about anal beads thou.
My massive concern is the blood vessels in the bum when reading up they bleed during anal sex. I'm in blood thinners. I bleed at the drop of a hat and I'd be mortified anding up in a&e explaining that.
This post is crying out STOP RIGHT THERE.
If you're not into anything, you don't have to do it. From first date to 70+ years married, your body is your own, if they have a problem with that tell them to jog on. He's a new partner, please tell him to respect YOU for who you ARE not who he's trying to mould into. If you give in now, what will be next? From my laptop, you are being groomed for his gratification and that isn't going to make you happy.
By all means go for it if that's what you want to do, but your initial post about a finger feeling wrong is saying something else. I hate saying this, but I think you need look at where this relationship is going.
I'm sorry if you think this is OTT but I see nothing here that makes me think you're going to be okay with this..
I'm going to agree with Tiger Dick. I was asked repeatedly by more than one partner to have anal sex and I refused until I found a partner who made anal play about MY enjoyment. We took a long time before I was ready to attempt anal sex (he was also on the large side), and he never pressured me into doing it, or into taking more *up there* than I was completely happy with.
Try the butt plugs you've got if you feel that's something you might enjoy. Even if they work for you, it doesn't mean you have to try anal sex! Go at your own speed, and explore how and when you want. I know you want to please your partner, but your pleasure and happiness is just as important as his. x
Double post :(
I'm gonna have to agree with Tiger Dick. Your second post concerns me.
It seems that this is not something that you really want to do and it's all about what he wants. Whether he's come across it before (and didn't do the appropriate warm up first) is irrelevant. He should be listening to you and understanding that this is something that would take time. He seems to be rushing you into something for his sexual kicks rather than caring about your concerns and that is not somebody you should be sleeping with in my opinion.
Tiger Dick wrote:
This post is crying out STOP RIGHT THERE.
If you're not into anything, you don't have to do it. From first date to 70+ years married, your body is your own, if they have a problem with that tell them to jog on. He's a new partner, please tell him to respect YOU for who you ARE not who he's trying to mould into. If you give in now, what will be next? From my laptop, you are being groomed for his gratification and that isn't going to make you happy.
By all means go for it if that's what you want to do, but your initial post about a finger feeling wrong is saying something else. I hate saying this, but I think you need look at where this relationship is going.
I'm sorry if you think this is OTT but I see nothing here that makes me think you're going to be okay with this..
Sorry, but I agree. Your second comment makes it sound like you are feeling pressured into a situation that you do not want. Please stop. If you don't want to do something then it really is important that you don't force yourself. (Both physically and psycologically).
Please think about talking with your partner. He may be bi, or straight or completely gay - it doesn't matter what HIS experiences are this is about YOUR body. Everybodies body acts differently in every situation.
Anal sex, both giving and receiving, is amazing. But even for seasoned people, you will get some bleeding and tearing. If this is something that you are really worried about, then you will be thinking about it during any scene or play. This in turn will probably make the situation worse.
Please read what I said about starting small. A butt plug may be too big to start with. You need something REALLY small, like smaller than your little finger. The "bulb" that you get with butt plugs to keep them inside you will always stretch you (thats kinda the point, otherwise the plug will just fall out).
If this IS something that you really want then please take it really slow. You need to train your body to make the sensation of something in your bottom a pleasent one. This is done by having positive experiences with that kind of stimulation. Any type of negantive experience can completely undo EVERYTHING and will then lead to more negative experiences.
A positive experience can be just gentle vibrations against your bottom whilst having an orgasm (no penetration back there). Once that feels normal or even desired (this could take months not days), then move on to just the tip of a small bullet vibrator etc etc.
There is no chance of it happening if I say no.
I've already put my terms out there. I am trying to be open to more things as you don't know until you try them.
I've read on reviews that after orgasm your body is more relaxed so have researched it and as I can't have alcohol I'm looking for ways to be more relaxed.
I think it's the embarressment factor I'm scared of, not hygeine way as its that hole after all but saying keep checking for blood incase my blood thinners work against me.
I think he is trying to be supportive by saying he's very aware that anal with him can be problematic and has never not managed before unless he has been told definitely to.stop.
I'm glad to read others experiences good and bad and that if it takes months to work up to trying that then so be.
It's gave me much food for thought and I will only do what I am comfortable trying.
Thanks
HIPPY, anal sex isn't everybody cup of tea. I am also on blood thinners. So I know how important it is to be careful to do things. So don't force yourself to do anal.
HIPPY, anal sex isn't everybody cup of tea. I am also on blood thinners. So I know how important it is to be careful to do things. So don't force yourself to do anal.