Hi everyone, and thanks for having me! Joined looking for some helpful advice if possible.
I have been with my boyfriend for a while now. He is wonderful and we are truly in love, talking about marriage, and all the good stuff.
The only thing we have stuggled with is our sexual connection. I am horny all the time and quite a submissive. He is very vanilla with a low sex drive. While we have successfully gotten to a place where intimacy is getting more frequent, I fear that I am too much for him.
When I was single, I did it all. Threesomes, blowbangs, having random guys come over for me to please themā¦ I have been a regular submissive to Doms who expect me to be ready to perform at any time. I enjoy being a submissive slut with all the verbal degradation and awesome things that come along with it.
Now, some of my behaviour was too wreckless, and i am 10000% happier being in love with a good man. He is the complete opposite where he has limited experience and most of it has been negative. I always strive to encourage him, reassure him of how sexy he is and how good his body feelsā¦ but when I talk dirty he is too shy and sometimes shuts down.
Sometimes I ask him to spank me, gag me, or do little things to take control, and he definitelu gets hard from it. I know there is a sexual animal in there, but how do I get him out?
Iām really pleased you have a man that you feel very comfortable with, not sure of both your ages but hopefully you are gradually bringing him round to your way of thinking. It sounds like he is very respectful of you and does not want to over step the mark. May be discuss forum comments together and explain to him what you like/dislike and may be some boundaries. You say his sex drive is lower than yours, try to work with him to increase that, is it work/house/other demands affecting his libido. Communication between you both will be key. Good luck and keep us informed.
Thank you Steve! We are 36 and 37. I feel like I have the crazy ādirty 30āsā hormones pulsing through me, even though I am often exhausted and working all the time.
He has explained that his sex drive is low for a number of reasons, including that his friend group is very non-sexual, sex was a taboo subject in the home growing up, and he fears that he is not good in bed based on unfortunately negative comments from exās or hookups in the past
Fully understand, I think gently, gently will be the way to go. It sounds like you are very supportive which must be a good thing. Its good you are both talking about it and can be very difficult to get over the experiences whilst growing up. Sex was something never discussed when I was at home and my wife had a even stricter up bringing. @Timminsbabe
My OH and I were kind of in the same position a couple of years ago. Where I had more experience than him and was more comfortable and liked being adventurous. we have been married for almost 10 years now and he has come around to being more adventurous the past few years. Not that it would take that long for everyone but donāt expect that change to happen over night.
Gradually adding things to your sessions and talking about it outside of the bedroom is a good start. He will warm up to it eventually. Just donāt be pushy and have a clear line of communication about it.
Good luck to you
Some great advice from @batjamboree and @drippingwet and I cannot agree more. In particular never call yourself a Slut @Timminsbabe experienced Yes but certainly no slut.
Slut is a divisive word that always brings out opinions, some love it and some hate it. For me it depends on context. The word slut is generally thought of as an insult, which is why people have said not to call yourself that. There is a dictionary definition of it and then theres your own definition of it. And as youāve said that you are a submissive, Iām not at all surprised that you choose that word to describe yourself. Being called āmy slutāā¦whole different meaning, I prefer whore to be honest
So on to your question, I would try texting him dirty things, rather than saying it and might help him overcome a bit of shyness if he texts back. Text him about how sexy he is and that you keep thinking about when he did/said X, reading it will give him more time to react than saying it will. It takes some pressure off and heāll love to reread it.
Its going to take a lot of patience for him to go from 0 to 60 in dominance and he may not be a dominant. You may have a Switch in your bed.
You could do a quiz, I love Carnal Calibration . There are 3 levels, for you two Iād suggest beginner. It gives scenarios and you have to click whether you want to try or not or maybe. You can do it on separate devices, and at the end you can choose to see which answers match each other or all the answers. Iād start with just the matches and really ease him into it.
@Timminsbabe Hello and welcome to the forums . I agree with everyone , it will take time and gentle nudging and much discussion . I have only been married 36 year on marriage number two and I still have to try and get my wife open to slightly kinkier sex play . The word you use to describe yourself that offends some , to me is more a badge of pride . I use it to describe myself in my enjoyment of anal play and several other areas . Good luck and enjoy .
Welcome @Timminsbabe you have come to the right place for advice.
Your sex life with your partner is an adventure that you should share. In discussing what you like what you would like to try you should begin to understand each others needs. Good communication makes for good sex and as you try out different things you will both become more open to trying more kinky stuff. You may find his sex drive will increase
Good luck and we canāt wait to hear how you both get on.
I recommend the quizzes, they worked for us. As @JoCat said maybe start on basic and work up but it was definitely easier to see where we both aligned and got us exploring our more adventurous sides. Some things played out well, some worked but we found our boundaries and some opened us up to even more adventurous play. Donāt get too disappointed if you donāt match on everything first time. Weāve taken the quiz a few times and find new matches each time.
Iām rather the opposite of your experience, much like your hobby but also having certain āyearnings.ā Luckily for me, I found Sexterminatrix and although she was even more reserved than me, her acceptance and love has encouraged me to fully explore my leanings without judgment. Iām now in the best relationship Iāve ever had and Iām loving it.
My only advice to you would be to love him unconditionally and let him know it regularly. Combine that with regular, honest communication and broach those more left-foeld sex topics as and when they arise. Youāll have a more open partner in very short order!
Well, aside from what otherās have said, Iād use whatever word for yourself you want. Thereās ways of being loyal to a partner (or partners plural) and enjoying that āsluttyā feeling. My partners say Iām kinda sluttyā¦ its a cute thing, and I embrace the term.
For working with your husband, step one is to reduce any stress he might be feeling. Iām not sure about all the ins and outs of your relationship, but you might brainstorm ways of making him feel less obligated and more assertive.
On the carnal side, body heat and body fluids are your friend. They are natureās way of enhancing the bonding experience. Anything you can do regularly to get your body next to his and let him feel the warmth is a good thing. Anything that lets you share fluids is a good thing. And more orgasms means more oxytocin, which means more comfort and trust. Kinkier sex acts tend to happen the more youāre able to communicate, and comfort/trust are prerequisites for that.
Hey! And welcome on board. I think everyone has kind of covered everything. I think communication is key and remember he is obviously from a different background so things will take a different pace.
Communication is absolute key, I think you need to just kind of take things super slow, work out exactly what he likes and feed into them desires to unlock other potential kinks and things he may have hidden. No matter how quiet and vanilla someone wants to be, we all have some bits buried deep down. You just need the right tools to reach them! Haha
Ask him little things like āwhat would be your ultimate costume for me to wear?ā āIf you could have me in any position what would it be?ā āWhatās your dirtiest dream?ā ā¦. I have found some people donāt like to talk about themselves in scenarios so if you ask about dreams and porn it gives them a bit more confidence to talk and not feel judged.
iām still in my slut phase so no advice from me as to being called a slut, i love being called it in the right situation for example if i swallow his load he will call me his little slut
I have been in this situation in both of my marriages, the second one has been much easier because he was sort of part of a slutty phase of my life.
Like you, I am much happier in a stable (nearly) monogamous relationship but I donāt regret a single bit of my slutty past.
I donāt have much to add to the other comments, except to suggest that the biting bottom lip, coy downward gaze, and a coy confession about something you feel he has to know can be a very strong hand to play. Tell him something fairly vanilla from your past and build up to more confessions over a long (years) time frame.
As these confessions come out you could suggest that someone as naughty as you needs to be taught a lesson, perhaps to make sure it doesnāt happen again?
No matter how vanilla in the bedroom, all men have very kinky fantasies at various times, and you could help him explore them. I think you have a lot to look forward to.
Same situation when i met my now wife except in reverse. I mirror what others have said and i just took it slow, building on confidence and the level of ākinkā i suggested. She had never used toys or masturbated. 8 years later she has now overtaken me and the master has become the student
So basically dont rush it and start small, if you plan to spend the rest of your life with them then youāve got time!
Slut is a degrading term.
Yes, some people do āput it about a bitā, but do others actually know why.
By that i mean, are they single and just enjoying themselves. Are they in a loveless relationship. Has their partner cheated and they are getting their own back, or it is simply because they just love sex and cant get enough of the attention it brings.
Never insult yourself by calling yourself a slut.
We all have a history. We have had relationships (both one-nighters and long term). We have tried many different sexual things (some of which your partner of today may be shocked by), so does that mean each one of us is a slut (male or female), no, of course not. It actually means we have the knowledge to move forward, confident with ourselves, and we can not only enjoy our sex lives now, but also perhaps teach our partner of today things they never knew existed, but we must also remember, out partner of today also has a history and they can also learn us things.
Enjoy your life, ignore those that are jealous and have a great sex life, you,ve earned it!
Joined looking for some helpful advice if possible.
as to being called a slut, i love being called it in the right situation for example if i swallow his load he will call me his little slut