Anymore advice please?

Hello all,

As you probably know on my last thread i've been trying to split up with my OH for months. No success as yet. But since that thread i have tried to tell him that we're not compatible anymore, we don't have sex, cannot see our relationship going any further after 7 yr relationship. I said that its not as if i want to be on my own this winter and end up paying all the bills, but think we should just be friends. It seemed to me by his reaction even though i said i was serious quite a few times and i ended up in tears, he must've thought i been joking or just being emotional and funny and that that feeling would go away and things would be back to normal. But i can't seem to tell him where to go. We're not just bf and gf we're friends as well, and we both got the same best friends we have gone through so much. Maybe it not that i want to split up with him i don't know, but it surely is the fact that i need to even if it hurts my feelings. If i end up being quite harsh about it with him it will make me seem like a right bitch and then i not able to help him find a new place to stay because we're not friendly anymore.

God i'm missing out on loadsa sex cos i just dont find him attractive anymore, I am gagging for it! lol! all i seem to be doing is sorting myself out.

Anyway, The fella that i liked from the course i am on, has just finished so i wont be seeing him much apart from on facebook. But in the last few weeks things have changed , i found that a new friend of mine is the brother of someone i have known for almost 10 yrs. So i added his brother on fb, he took a while to add me as he hardly on fb. And now he is only able to tell me how much he likes me and how much he wants me all to himself and always did. I've seen him a few weeks ago and thats the only time i've seen him in years. I have known we've had something special but didnt realise it was that. So i am quite shocked that had buggered my head up a bit so kinda offtracked me splitting up with the OH if you know what i mean.

So if anyone has got any ideas please on what i could say to the OH without hurting him too much that would be much appreciated!

Wow AK! Well as ever lovely, you can never go wrong telling the truth even. . .even if it does hurt others. Such is life sometimes. If I were you I would tell him straight and give him a deadline to be out of my house. It sounds like he's holding you back big time. If you are not happy do something about it.

What advise would you give yourself if you were on the outside looking in?

You only live once (as fat as we know) so give yourself the best life you can mate. Don't let anyone hold you back/stifle you. Sometimes you've got to be strong and make these life changing decisions. I've made a few myself. It wasn't nice but now years later everyone is happy. Where do you want to be in 5 years? Moved on in your life or still in this situation?

Best wishes. SG x

Just a thought, but would it help if you were the one who moved out? Or just stayed with a friend for a while, so that the idea of you two being apart would actually sink in??

Thanks for the replies! sorry havent been on here much i have been talking to friends and they reckon i should just leave as well. But the bond for this place is part of my savings. And cannot afford another place to go, i dont really have that many friends, the friends i talk to one hasnt got any room at the moment and the other only just become my friend. I find it would be easier next time he has a beer as he is always drinking is just say i'm just fed up of it, we can never save money for anything cos of it, so whats the point, its over? is that what i should say? i think that will hurt him a lot, i dont wanna hurt him, i just wanna end it. has anyone got a better sentence?

SG, im not sure what i would say if i was the one looking in, i probably would say the same as you, but saying it is easier than doing it lol. But i have never given advice to someone to split up with their partner. God i just dunno what to do for the best people give me advice and i still cant make up my mind lo the financial situation doesnt help either. x

Hi Amykins

If you're genuinely unhappy and can see no way for the two of you to work through it, you should end it now.

You can't normally end a relationship without at least one of you getting hurt but if you're unhappy, I'll bet he isn't as happy as he could be. So whilst there will likely be pain when your relationship ends, by ending it you allow him to start the healing process & find a happier situation.

You clearly care for his wellbeing and say he's your friend, I want all my friends to fall desperately in love with someone who feels the same way. If you're not that person, you're stopping him from meeting them.

I'm not sure how best to sort out your finances but if you're honest with him, tell him that you care for him deeply but you're not happy with your relationship and want for both of you to find something better maybe he'll be adult enough to sort through the finances with you - a colleague of mine bought a house with his ex & it took them about a year to sort things out properly but they got there (and they're both in happier relationships now).

Sorry if any of the above sounds harsh (I don't mean it to), I wish you both strength to get through this difficult time - good luck.


ShaftMaster wrote:

Just a thought, but would it help if you were the one who moved out? Or just stayed with a friend for a while, so that the idea of you two being apart would actually sink in??

I think this is a very good idea, things are only going to get worse not better unless you sort things out. Have some space away from eachother, it will allow both of you time to think properly. You could try the YWCA, or could your mum/dad/family have you stay for a while?

You could also try putting things to him in writing. That way it will still be there when he's sobered up. You've tried talking to him, and he won't listen, so it's fair enough to put it down on paper. Just be honest but compassionate, he'll thank you in the end.

Good luck

Nah i dont have any money to go anywhere otherwise it wouldnt be such a problem. If i go back to parents house i will be back to square one. And most peobably end up staying there rather than be on my own and have my own space.

I will try writing if what i say to him next time doesnt do anything. Its getting harder cos this fella i talk to he phoned my phone last night when me and the OH was over a friends house i had to say it was an unknown number. So now i dont think this fella is talking to me even though i have explained and said sorry, but maybe he has rn out of credit or something.

i think you should concentrate on finishing this relationship which is failed by what you have said, getting involved with other people during this tricky situation messes up your thinking and judgement and makes life more complicated, especially if your fella finds out, finish with your fella go home for a short time get your life back together stay friends with the new guy and start seeing when life is back to normal, if this bloke really does like you which you have said he does surely he will wait

Going home back to parents will be even worse than the situation i am in now. i needed to get away from my mum and brother. I need time to be on my own as i never been on my own before. I guess i will figure out something in the end there will come a time.

Maybe after that i will just start seeing the new guy on just weekends at first so i get the rest of the week to myself. But thing is i will get so lonely and bored if i aint with someone and cold cos its winter around the corner lol.

There isn't a way for you to break up with him without hurting him, so there's no point in pussyfooting around. What you're doing to him now (leading him on and lusting after other guys behind his back) is far more hurtful, and also extremely selfish.

Just break up with him. Tell him you don't want to go out with him anymore. Yes, it'll be shit and you'll feel bad but you can't have it all ways. You're going to have to inconvenience yourself a *little* bit here. You can't just make him vanish into thin air, leaving you to pursue other people (who you're already planning out relationships with?!). I must say, if you really cared about him you would end it NOW and to hell with the consequences for yourself.

I agree with Shelly, you are going to have to be 'inconvenienced' here, there is no way around it. Ending a relationship is always painful, even when both parties can see it has run its' course, you can't get away from that, but at the minute you are being unfair to him by not being honest.

I think jumping from one relationship to another is daft, am sure you are more than aware of rebound, sounds like you perhaps just need some time without a guy, saying you will get bored and cold without one seems a bit daft, go see your friends, take up some hobbies, buy a jumper....

Perhaps the reality is that whilst it won't be great to go back home, it is what you have to do, rather than carry this on when it's clearly reached the end of its road... If you're home, you should be able to save, and if it's so horrible being there, save fast, and then perhaps look at a houseshare with others, so you have your own room but have people around so as not to get too loney, and cheaper than your own place too...

Sometime you just have to make and live with painful decisions for a period in order to reap the benefits further down the line....

yeah i suppose i am just making up excuses to avoid the situation, but really i cannot go back to mums wont be able to put my stuff anywhere anyway, so wont have anytime to save. what if i didnt have parents to go back to? I have flown the nest, always intended on not going back. Nah deffo no houseshare been there and saved a man from commiting suicide.

It seems like when i am thinking of ways to break up with him its like my mind saying there is a way of finding not hurting him too much, even though i know theres not. But however i gotta find a way anway. I not gonna get with another guy until i break up with him anyway, cant be going behind someones back in that way! Ok, yeah i know i am being selfish at the moment but i aint half scared in doing it. I dunno why cos its what i wanna do and its frustrating! My friends say i should take my time, i then be able to find out what i want. Its not just about my fella its about this other guys feelings too and selfishly my own happiness as i have been through a lot these past few years. It seems to be more scarier than when you were in school wanting to ask someone out or going to the dentist. Very annoying! Thanks though ladies i need a kick up the backside ai.