What is long and thin covered in skin red in parts and stuffed in tarts
Rhubarb
D.j wrote:
What is long and thin covered in skin red in parts and stuffed in tarts
Rhubarb
If you watch the film "American pie" you might think there is a different answer.
I spent this afternoon decorating the spare room with my stepladder.
Not my real ladder, I don't see my real ladder any more, my real ladder left when I was very young...
Went snaill racing the other week.
I wondered if taking the shells off would make em go a little faster...
Turns out it only makes them more sluggish!
..Four old retired guys are walking down a street in London. They turn a corner and see a sign that says, "Old Timers Bar - All drinks 10p." They look at each other and then go in, thinking, this is too good to be true.
The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, "Come on in and let me pour one for you! What'll it be, gentlemen?" There's a fully stocked bar, so each of the men orders a martini. In no time the bartender serves up four iced martinis—shaken, not stirred—and says, "That'll be 10p each, please."
The four guys stare at the bartender for a moment, then at each other. They can't believe their good luck. They pay the 40p, finish their martinis, and order another round. Again, four excellent martinis are produced, with the bartender again saying, "That's 40p, please." They pay the 40p, but their curiosity gets the better of them. They've each had two martinis and haven't even spent a £1 yet.
Finally one of them says, "How can you afford to serve martinis as good as these for a 10p a piece?"
"I'm a retired tailor," the bartender says, "and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the Lottery Jackpot for £25 million and decided to open this place. Every drink costs 10p. wine, liquor, beer -- it's all the same."
"Wow! That's some story!" one of the men says. As the four of them sip at their martinis, they can't help noticing seven other people at the end of the bar who don't have any drinks in front of them and haven't ordered anything the whole time they've been there.
Nodding at the seven at the end of the bar, one of the men asks the bartender, "What's with them?"
The bartender says, "They're from Yorkshire. They're waiting for Happy Hour when drinks are half-price."
Found this one online and it made me laugh :)
When Mozart passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Mozart was buried.
Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it. The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate.
When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Mozart's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards."
He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling."
So the magistrate kept listening; "There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..."
Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Mozart decomposing."
Topical, relevant and old but hopefully you'll like it.
On my last LH order I noticed that there was an Olympic themed range of condoms, curiosity got the better of me so I added a pack to my basket.
Once the parcel arrived my wife questioned me on them. I explained they were new and available in three types. Gold, Silver & Bronze and naturally I went for Gold.
"Oh" she exclaimed slightly disappointingly
"You should have got Silver, would make a change for you to cum second!)
What's the difference between medium and rare?
3 inches!
(5 inches medium, 8 inches rare).
Speaking of medium...
Did you hear about the midget psychic who robbed a bank? Police have reported that there's a small medium at large
(sorry, terrible I know 😄 )
My kids are obsessed with jokes the now so I'm always looking for silly wee ones for them. However I found one that made me choke on my tea that I DID NOT tell them....
Why do elephants paint their ball green? So they can hide in avocado trees.
How did Tarzan die? Picking avocados...
RosyCheek wrote:
My kids are obsessed with jokes the now so I'm always looking for silly wee ones for them. However I found one that made me choke on my tea that I DID NOT tell them....
Why do elephants paint their ball green? So they can hide in avocado trees.
How did Tarzan die? Picking avocados...
I knew there was a reason that I don't like avacardo, it's obviously a self preservation thing! Who knows if the next one turns out to be an elephant!
I do love visual humour, you know when you can just imagine the scene.
Currently, my life.
Shadow Collector wrote:
Currently, my life.
You almost have your freedom, hang in there.
My Bank manager would say me having restraint on purchases from lovehoney is a joke.
That's what got me Fun Louise just imagining it! 😅
Aw Shadow, things will get better sweetheart. X
3 men in a plane, when it crashes into a jungle. All 3 are ok, but lost in the jungle. They are captured by a local canablistic tribe. The men are walked back to meet the chief of the tribe.
Chief, "we are canables but I will give you a sporting chance, you each have to go into the jungle and bring back 10 of the same fruit".
All 3 men set off into the jungle frantically looking for 10 of the same fruit.
The first man returns with 10 plums.
The chief says "now you can win your freedom if you can put all 10 of your fruits up your bottom without changing your expression".
The first man thinks I might have a chance here, and tries, 1 plum, 2 plums, 3 plums, but on the 4 th plum he cries out in pain, is killed and eaten by the tribe.
The second man returns, to see the tribe tucking into his friend. He has brought back 10 berries. The chief makes the same deal, "you can win your freedom if you can put all 10 fruits up your bottom without changing your expression".
The second man thinks I can do this, they are not eating me. So he starts pushing the berries up his bottom. 1, 2, 3, . . . On the 8th berry he bursts out laughing, is killed and eaten.
Up in heaven the first man says to the second man, "why did you laugh, you were almost there, almost free"?
The second man said "I saw the third man coming back with pineapples!"
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Bump this thread with being national joke day.
Last night's refereeing decisions... 😡
If anyone got any good knock knock jokes to celebrate the national day then post here.
So here's the first one.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
The interrupting cow.
Interrupting cow who
Moooooo!
Donald Trump US Preseident!
nothing more needed
I've just met with two Eastern European microphone technicians. A Polish one and a Czech one too...