So a farmer gets a new machine to pump to milk from cows, out of curiosity he decides to give it a try out and sticks it on his willy, doesn't take long for him to release his load, but when he's finished it wont come off, he reads the manual and faints after reading automatic release after 21 litres,, lol..
So a man goes to the docter and tells him that he can not stop farting and that every time it happens it sounds like a Japanese motorbike.
The Dr tells him that it is not unusual but that he needs to see a dentist as he has an abcess.
The man is astounded and asks how the Dr could know this.
Have you not heard the saying replies the Dr.
"Abcess makes the fart go Honda".
I went to the Dr's the other day as people kept on singing "The Green Green Grass Of Home" & Deiliah at me.
The Doctor told me it was nothing to worry about it was just Tom Jones syndrome.
I then questioned if it was common and or serious but he said it wasn't anything to worry about and there was a leaflet available that might help.
When I asked if he could let me have a leaflet he said they were on the table as you leave and to 🎶 Just Help Yourself... 🎶
A man went to the doctors with a mince pie stuck up his bum, the doctor said don't worry I've got some cream for that.
(Sorry if it's too early for Christmas jokes!)
Fun Louise wrote:
Donald Trump US Preseident!
nothing more needed
+1
I wonder if America now feels like it has a massive hangover and can't remember what it did the night before or what the hell happened.
Why don't you ever see hippos up a tree?
Because they're really good at hiding!
Sorry, i love terrible jokes :)
A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about 15 minutes of it, the man finally gets up and says, "Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!". The woman says, "Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"
Disclaimer. This isn't politically correct so, if you're easily offended, DON'T read it.
Mike, a devout Christian had a very good friend in Mohammed who was also a very understanding Muslim. Sadly, the two of them had a major disagreement and fell out. Mike was so incensed, he thought he would get his own back so, he put Mohammed on his Christmas card list.
I saw Fergal Sharkey at the petrol station the other night, filling up a lime green Audi.
I asked him what he was up to and he informed me he was going to Newcastle for a meeting the following morning.
Ah I said, you off to the airport then?
No, he replied I prefer to drive.
Really I exclaimed, from here you'll have to drive your green A6 all through the night!*
*anyone unfamiliar with the music of The Undertones I apologise, infact I apologise to you all it is pretty bad.
Man goes to doctors, doctor says Mr Jones I have some bad news, your wife has either Alzheimer's or AIDS, Mr Jones replies my god that's terrible what do you suggest i do, doctor said when you're driving home from here drop your wife off about a mile from home if she comes home don't fuck it.
I was fortunate enough to visit Lovehoney HQ for a guided tour the other day, while in the warehouse I asked Sammi: "Are these knickers satin?"
"No" she replied "They're brand new!"
Just then the fire alarm went off but, we couldn't get out of the building due to a stack of lingerie blocking the way out.
You really shouldn't put all your basques in one exit!
Man: we really need to stop testing our products on animals
Boss: why shampoo companies do it all the time!
Men: I know they do but we make dildos!
Why don't owls make love in the rain?
It's too wet to woo
Why do elephants paint their toe nails red.
It's so they can hide in cherry trees.
Have you ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree. No, well that shows how well it works.
What does a dwarf get if he runs through a womans legs ?
A clit round the ear and a flap round the face !
I'm now 3 weeks into a 6 week course to rid me of my infatuation with Bon Jovi lyrics.
Whoa, we're half way there...
It's similar to the time I had to kick my obsession with Phil Collins songs. People said I'd never be able to stop.
But take a look at me now...
What is green and smells like pork...
Kermits finger 🐸
To celebrate national joke day here one from me.
What do you call a week with a Wednesday?
Humphrey.
What's harder then getting 4 pregnant women in a mini?
Gettng 4 women pregnant in a mini.....
Before they turned to rock music Steven Tyler & Joe Perry both worked as chocolate technicians...