At a loss where to go next

Hi folks, a bit of a long winded post here so sorry in advance.

My wife and I have been married 27 years now and on the whole it's been a reasonably decent marriage. We do love each other to bits but our sex life has gotten very stale.

Over the years we've gone to swingers clubs, (other guys were involved but I was never interested in other women), we have done the 3some thing with another woman involved which I found harsh I have to admit. The idea and fantasy was great but the reality of having to make it with two women gave me all sorts of issues and dilemma’s so we left that one alone.

We had toys which we used and she seemed to enjoy, she even picked out the ones she wanted and for a while she worked as a rep for a certain adult product company so had plenty of free samples.

We used to go out in the car to find secluded places and if we couldn’t we did “simulated dogging” with me standing outside of the car while she sat in it and gave me a BJ.

She used to swallow, often demanding her “drink” which I was only too ready to provide.

But over the past year things have gone into a deep decline.

We never go out to find interesting places to be together, she never dresses up and when I ask her to she say’s “I dressed up the other week” which in reality was months ago.

Now we’re in this rut of dedicated missionary position with me on top or when I’m getting a bj she’s always at the same side of me at the same angle performing the same actions and now she spits.

I have tried talking to her about this but I always get the same answer, “We’ve done that, I’ve done that ….. We did it only the other week ….. But it’s better that way”

The thing is I’m starting to understand why blokes stray, it’s because of the lack of variety and the sheer lack of enthusiasm involved. I do constantly feel like when we make love or giving me a bj it’s almost as though she’s doing me a favour rather than doing it because she wants to.

As a result it’s really putting me off, I find it’s rare I can cum when I’m inside of her and have to be finished by hand or mouth and then it’s more of a perfunctionary act rather than something we’re both involved in rather than her doing me a favour.

I really don’t know what to do. I don’t want to start looking elsewhere but I can’t deal with things as they are for much longer. I don’t expect it all to be fireworks and athletic sexual positions, but I’m struggling with what is going on.

I just don’t understand how when once things were so active and healthy they’ve gone downhill as they have now. I do love my wife to bits but the suggestion of dressing up is dismissed, the suggestion of a different position is dismissed, the suggestion of getting out the toys is dismissed. All she want’s is me to go down on her, then me on top and finishing with a bj.

I’m really clueless on how to re-introduce the spark again as everything I suggest gets shot down. I’m assuming, (possibly wrongly), I’m at least OK in bed otherwise she’d make excuses to get out of doing anything at all. But then again perhaps it is me that’s the problem? I’m willing to accept the possibility but then in my defence how can I be any good if it’s always the same acts and the same positions?

Just to add, we’re both almost 50 and some nights we leave things because we’re both tired which is fair enough. I’m not demanding we do anything every single night but it would be nice if on the nights we do do something it was more than it is now.

Any hints, tips, help or suggestions would be appreciated on this as I’m at a total loss on what to do next.

Thanks for reading.

It sounds as if your wife is having a difficult time of things, for whatever as yet unknown reason.

Have you tried asking her what's on her mind? Perhaps explain that because of the changes in your sex life recently, you're worried about her. Provide an atmosphere of trust, love and understanding and see if she'll open up to you.

As you're both approaching 50, could she be going through the menopause? I understand the onset age varies from woman to woman, so it may have started for her. If so, the hormonal changes that go with it may be a cause.

She may not even be aware there is anything wrong.

Whatever you do though, please don't stray. It sounds as though you have a loving relationship and you shouldn't do anything to jeopardise that.

Sit down with her when you're both alone, won't be interrupted and not immediately after sex and talk to her.

Hope you can both figure it out.

Thanks for the feedback hornyleekbloke,

She went through the menopause a long time ago, that was brought on early with having her tubes tied, (sorry to put that so bluntly), after she had our daughter 11 years ago.

As for what's on her mind, if I could figure that out I could at least try to find a direction to fix things.

It's like I can't win with her. She tells me one of our son's computers is failing and he can't play X, Y, Z games so I buy him a new one and get it in the neck for running up the credit card(s) bill.

I have tried talking to her but she says everything is fine and we're OK as we are, we don't need toys because I'm enough for her.

I still make her sit up and cry out , "Oh my f***ing god!" when I go down on her so there is some participation there. I'm not wanting her to always dress up, the question of having more 3some's or going swinging isn't an issue. As I said, been there, done that, worn the T-shirt.

It's just the lack of variety that's getting me down. It's always the same thing, she plays with me a bit, we kiss, I make her cum, (by hand or orally), I climb on top ..... We do it, then we finish with her giving me oral or a hand job.

I do something different and get asked why I'm doing that. I ask for a different position and get told no it's OK doing it the way we're doing it.

I still make her laugh, for example the other night we were watching Barbarella and I mentioned she's got the same nipples as Jane Fonda, so I suggested I call her Jane and she could call me Tazan which she said no to but laughed anyway.

Then I suggested I'm far more interesting that "Plank"

Perhaps I should explain to put this into context.

We did have issues about a year ago and split for a while .... Well we lived seperately. In that couple of months she "fell" into the arms of an ex-boyfriend and I managed to attract two women, a 28 year old I really couldn't keep up with and a 38 year old who ..... Well, she was OK but absolutely clueless! Even so when I was with them the only way I could get off was to think of my wife.

So we got back together. When we did the first time we slept together it was amazing! She was eager, willing, involved, well up for it. So now we have this "running joke" where I call her 'encounter' plank and she calls one of mine "woof" which is good natured banter between us and nothing nasty.

I really want to make it work, which it does on every level except in the bedroom. It's the mundane "performance" I want to get past but I just don't know how.

I'm honestly not asking for or expecting gymnastics, but it would be nice to have a different position once in a while, even a different angle to her on my left side giving me a BJ would be great! Say changing position so she's on my right side or even between my legs.

it's the whole two way thing I'm crying out for, the interaction between two people. Christ! if I wanted a BJ or a f**k I'm still charming enough to get one elsewhere. After all I did 'pull' two women who were at the time 10 and 20 years younger than me.

But it's not other women I want, it's my active, engaging, participating wife in the bedroom I want back. I want a two way thing not just some act for the hell of it or because it's "what we do"

I want to break the routine, break the cycle we're currently in. But I just don't know how.

Ok, I dont know if this is helpful but I will try...

so sorry to be so blunt but you had a serpation and both were with other people during that time and then got back together. Did you get counseling? Really take time to focus on your relationship. communication flow, needs and goals for the future?

Do you date? Is there romance? Does she feel appreciated as a woman and your partner? If she works, raising kids, dealing with house, other demands on her can seriously wear a woman out.

I am not wanting to jump to conclusions here in any fashion but am braining storming on possible issues because when i have worked a 10 hour day, cooked, cleaned up, dealt with the kid, homework, laundry and the mail the last thing on my mind is sex...

By bringin up dressing up, different positions, toys and being responded to in the way you are expressing she may feel nagged. Maybe in some regards she has also "been there and done that."

I think you may want to considering finding ways to connect as a couple and rebuild the sexual intimacy vs. just the act of sex. Hold hands, massage her without going further.

I have also found when we get in a rut just getting away form the house and any children can make a big difference... I call it hot hotel sex.

Even though you say she went though early menopause does not mean there may not be other hormonal changes, depression or something else going on.

Again I hope this is in someway helpful... Try not asking her for anything for a while, maybe take a actual sex break and start dating her again and see what happens?

I largely agree with Vanessa here in saying take the focus away from sex

Do you guys do anything together that doesn't involve sex? Like the gym or sport/hobby?

What did you do together when you first got together?

Or find a new hobby together... she may say "why do we need to do that?" And then this is your chance to tell her how you feel. You keep asking her how she is which is good of you, but have you told her how you feel about what is going on? She needs to know and respect your feelings too as you're both in this together.

I'm with Vanessa and Jenson here.

My wife and i had a low-point where sex was infrequent (to say the least), and repetitive. I was thinking your same thoughts - sex elsewhere, didn't want to ruin the relationship by making demands etc etc.

We put down our phones after a heated debate, and agreed to keep off them in the evenings when the kids had gone to bed. Then we watched some quality TV together, and had some chats. I found my wife had been having issues resurfacing from her life before she met me. That was making her afraid to open up, depressed, and very cold in the bedroom. I only found that out because we took the time to talk. We sorted the issues, and both agreed to get back on track.

Before the early part of this year, my wife had given me 1 BJ in all 17 years together, now it's regular. I asked for her to understand my desires, she understands they are things for the bedroom. She likes dressing up (costumes and lingerie) so i indulge her in that and go the extra mile to make her feel that i am comfortable and happy with her requests, and she should be comfortable and happy with mine.

The catalyst for the change was time spent together. No phones. No crap TV that one of you doesn't like. No kids around. Holding hands on the sofa or cuddling up. That allowed us to talk properly and remind each other that we want to feel like we are more than just a husband and a wife and parents, we are sexual beings that want and need a bit of colour and passion too.

And next weekend at our fave hotel, i get her in a school uniform, and she gets me with a strap-on (both recent LH purchases, as yet unwrapped) !

Good luck.

So so sorry to her this but I do have a great suggestion.

Getting a magic wand for Christmas. Not saying I will do magic on your sex life but it will be the best bet.

Wishing you a happy Christmas.

Thanks for reading my stuff folks and offering a bit of advice.

It's kind of hard to put things into words, (I am a guy so gimme a break ![](upload://5BDs2y1gm13l2R58ovmAMxyNM3f.gif)), but to cover some of the stuff mentioned.

All other aspects between us are great, while we BOTH may make bitchy comments over our seperation last year, (my calling her 'encounter' Plank while my wife calls one of mine woof), it's not malicious taunting or anything nasty and we both do smile about it because I think we both realised what a huge mistake it was that we seperated in the first place.

With us both I think/hope we both relaise there is a connection between us and taking it to an extreme if I'd have landed Jane Fonda, (in her Barbarella period), and she'd have landed Darly from Walking Dead we'd have still got back together. We've given up fighting the hand fate played us and have resided ourselves to the fact we were made for each other.

This isn't to say we're complacent about things or have just "given in" so to speak as we both know we can attract other people if we wanted to but the lesson learned from last year is that we've set a benchmark other people just cannot compete with no matter how young, how attractive they may be there is always going to be a comparison there and we both picked fault with our respective temp 'partners' by comparing them to who we are.

For me, 'woof' didn't do x, y. z and wasn't A. B, C, and for my wife 'Plank' just wasn't as interesting as I appear to be to her.

So the relationship itself is on form and we rarely argue unless it's about the houses we're rebuilding. I want all singing and dancing state of the art technology whereas my wife wants them to be basic and functional. We do joke that we'll each have a house since they're only 100 yards apart so I can have my house my way and she can have hers her way. But then that's minor stuff and it's nothing heating and doesn't degenerate into slanging matches or shouting.

So out of the bedroom we're fine. In bed, well I DO NOT expect her to put out and yes I have mentioned the toys and dressing up perhaps 3 or 4 times over the past year so I wouldn't say I'm nagging and such conversations only last maybe 3 or 4 sentences between us.

When we settle to sleep either I'm spooning her or she's spooning me. My wife has likened us to being like limpets with each other which I guess is a good thing.

As with most people we have a few money worries but nothing really significant and we're content with just going with the flow on that score.

Housework? Well we both pitch in with that one, if she cook I'll clean and vice versa so all in all we really do work well together.

It's just the stale and mundane routine that seems to have formed with our sex life. As mentioned it's always the same patterns so there's a distinct lack of variety there and that's what's getting to me.

i've tried adding variety such as edging her but she does her nut as though she wants to get on with it rather than enjoy it for what it is and enjoy the teasing.

I get that 'out of this world' sex all the time will become run of the mill after a while so new levels will have to be sought, so it's good every now and again to have 'bad sex' so to speak so you have a baseline for comparison to when it's really good.

I dunno, maybe I'm just being unrealistic and should resign myself to the fact I at least get to have sex and get head and be happy with that? But there in is the issue, it's that cold, distant word being used - sex - rather than something that's fired with emotion, passion and love.

Am I being unrealistic?

I Could be wrong but from what I've learnt a lot of ladies like the idea of having a sex swing.
They are great fun and never boring as there is always a new position to try. I am thinking your wife may love this and you will satisfy your need for something new.
We love ours and have a giggle with it as well. It is a lot easier to get into different positions than on the bed and fully supportive.
This is the one we have and I highly recommend it (unlike the door swings as positions are limited and less supportive).
It might be worth passing it by her as I think it could peak her interest 😊

It seems to me that the issues you had 12 months ago is the elephant in the room. After 27 years of marriage a split like that, even if it only lasted a few months, is a huge issue especially as you both sought solace with other people. That may be the subject of apparently light banter between you but my guess is that it all runs much deeper, if not for you then certainly for your wife.

I think you need to talk - really talk - about the issues that caused you to live apart and to properly address them. Then perhaps you can move forward.

I get what you're saying Gyrator, but in spite of the anonymity on here I’m not willing to ‘share’ the personal circumstances of what the catalyst was for my wife suddenly stealing my car and wandering off into the distance with it only to send me a “I’m leaving you” text.

Suffice to say, there was a hell of a lot of misdirected anger at me for certain circumstances and events beyond my control.

For around 3 months, we spoke on the phone every night and we did talk things through.

Purely from my own point of view, in hind sight I did have fun. I didn’t get the “looks” when I came home with a takeaway, I didn’t get the “look” if I did something really stupid, (as I often do), I was able to be myself which in essence is not a nice person but a decent person with morals and standards I set myself. Basically I was a nice guy who’d do anything for anyone but cross me and I would unscrew your head without any hesitation.

At that time, I had my own space, I could come and go as I pleased. I had more money in my pocket, (I ALWAYS had at least £300 in my wallet and most of my credit cards were paid off), and I lived how I saw fit.

I had no strings, no ties, no obligations. I worked when I liked, I went out when I liked, I saw who I liked and I had a social life. I was seeing two women, as I say I couldn’t keep up with one sexually and I had the feeling there was a working away husband somewhere in the background. The other wasn’t that great if I’m honest in or out of the sack. Yeah she was nice to look at but required so much maintenance and attention, I felt drained after spending a weekend with her. To be brutally honest she was the “back up” for when ‘girlfriend No. 1” wasn’t available.

Such a statement may make me look a real barsteward and a complete twonk but hey! What am I gonna do? Lie? Sorry but that’s not me, I’ve always had an honesty policy.

These days I’m more or less perpetually skint, the cards are on their limits and I’m working to keep our heads above water.

So after reading the above the one question that may be asked is why the hell I got back together with my wife when life had improved so much for me without her?

Well it’s simple really, I didn’t choose to fall in love with her and I can’t help loving her to bits. While my wife is not exactly what you would call slim, for whatever reason whenever she starts getting undressed for bed I always feel like a kid at Christmas opening his presents. Many may wonder what the hell I see in her, if I could tell you that I’d be astonished because even I don’t know what it is.

All I do know is she’s the woman I want to live with, grow old with and die with. She is my best friend, my lover, my wife, my soul mate and my whole world.

Both the women I was with last year were younger, slimmer and prettier than my wife, (I have to confess I was astounded I managed to pull ‘girlfriend No. 1 because she really was a stunner), but when I was with them I wanted them to be my wife not who they are/were.

I have no concept of what the driving force is behind the feelings I have for my wife but I cannot fight it no matter how hard I try.

While to others the answer to something would be “Get stuffed” to her I cannot say no. Yes I realise this is probably borderline obsession on some levels and I could probably use a really good therapist but still with my wife I’m happy. I can’t explain why I’m happy or what’s making me happy I just know I am.

I’ve made a number of sacrifices to be with my wife, the main one being I was offered a job doing what I used to do almost 30 years ago where I would get to travel the world and I would be paid £2k a day for my ‘services’ but I chose my wife over that.

I’ve made a choice to be in debt, to give up my social life, to work hard and make a huge effort over the option of a very easy life where money would be no object and I could go out power drinking with my mates, (who I rarely see since I’ve had to move more than 150 miles away from them), and try my luck with anything in a skirt.

Don’t get me wrong, the job is there any time I would like it and all I have to do is make a phone call then within 24 hours I’d be in some far away location doing my thing. BUT I’ve made the choice I know and feel is right for me because being with her just feels right. Everything feels wrong without her even though on the face of it, things seemed better.

Sorry for the rambling here, but there is a certain degree of cathartic therapy in writing this stuff down and getting some feedback on it. I’ll finish now by saying my ‘drive’ isn’t wanting something I can’t have as I have what I truly want, I just want it to be better.

I guess what I'm ultimately looking for is hints, tips, suggestions to make that spark again and entice the enthusiasm back into our sex life ad exit the rut it's currently in.

SqueakyToy wrote:


At that time, I had my own space, I could come and go as I pleased. I had more money in my pocket, (I ALWAYS had at least £300 in my wallet and most of my credit cards were paid off), and I lived how I saw fit.

I had no strings, no ties, no obligations. I worked when I liked, I went out when I liked, I saw who I liked and I had a social life.


I was offered a job doing what I used to do almost 30 years ago where I would get to travel the world and I would be paid £2k a day for my ‘services’


Don’t get me wrong, the job is there any time I would like it and all I have to do is make a phone call then within 24 hours I’d be in some far away location doing my thing.

Um, I don't know about anything else, but can you train me up and send me off to do this job instead?

That'd be really great, seeing as I'm working a job I hate for barely any money, never have any disposable income or get to travel or enjoy much of a social life or anything... it's hard to hear someone else having such opportunity and not making the most out of it!

I've not got much to add to the great advice you've already had, I've not had experience to compare to your situation either, but this just came to mind so I thought I'd suggest it. How about going away on a tropical holiday? Somewhere romantic, just the two of you, for a week at the least? Spend some quality time, really relax, and see if it leads to some mind blowing sex? Getting away from it all and into some sunshine might be just what you need, and it'll give you a chance to connect away from day to day stress. Good luck x

Okay I'm going to skip giving advice on communicating and trying to get her to discuss the issue, because a) I think you've been offered that already and b) I feel as if you want more practical advice. However, that said, I've been a woman who behaved like that and I know I had things going unsaid that my partner was not aware of, so I do think there are things yet to be addressed.

Anyway, you may have already tried the following approach, but if you haven't don't under estimate the positive effect it mght have. Cook her a nice dinner, run her a nice bath, clean up while she has a soak, then give her a nice sensual massage. And do it all with zero anticipation of it geting sexual. Make her feel cherished and looked after and see if might spark a little fire inside her.

I appreciate that you are providing practical support, (monetary, shared chores etc) but sometimes us ladies need a different kind of looking after, and often it's that feeling that makes us feel passion. Also do you do things like hug her, kiss her, hold her hand, randomly and when sex is not an option. Sorry if that sounds like an obvious suggestion but you'd be amazed at how many people forget how important little gestures like than can be. Those little signs of affection can again be a huge trigger for sexual desire.

Apologies if none of that helps, but I do wish you all the best on getting things back on track.

SqueakyToy wrote:

... in spite of the anonymity on here I’m not willing to ‘share’ the personal circumstances of what the catalyst was...

Just to be totally clear - I was suggesting this conversation be one you have with your wife and not with us!

An interesting thread. Difficult to offer much advice. The only thing that sticks in my head is that whilst you still clearly love her do you still like her. They are two different things and I wonder if the fact that you love her is acting to compel you to be together but another part of you is less keen.

You need to understand exactly what is keeping you together and what is making it difficult for you.

Colonel Lube:

Yeah I still like her, the way she makes me feel gives me a buzz, and I still get a shiver down my spine when she calls me honey.

I don't think I need to understand what's keeping us together, in my view understanding that brings an end to relationships as it leaves nowhere to go.

Looking as things coldly, we shouldn't be together. Our musical tastes are different, she's a non-smoker, she's a veggie, she's also very strategic whereas I’m a more on the fly kind of guy.

So in reality and on ‘paper’ we should have fallen apart years ago. But we haven’t because there’s this unknown thing pulling us together like magnets attracting each other.

I’m not sure I want to start exploring what that is because it would ruin things in my opinion. It’s kinda like getting the answers to why we’re here, is there a god, what’s the meaning of life? Once you have the answers where do you go from there?

The rest of the marriage/relationship is fine, it’s just this rut we’re in sexually which I would like to break but she seems content with. I’m not suggesting we start swinging from the lamp fittings or I leap off the wardrobe but this pattern of A leads to B leads to C leads to D is frustrating me. It’s kind of like owning only one film, you know what’s going to happen, you know what the journey is and let’s be fair, the ending is always going to be the same but it’s the journey of how you get there that makes things more interesting.

In my ‘day job’ I’m always somewhere different with different people doing different things with different people. OK so maybe I’m performing the same task but the variations of those differences make the job more interesting. I’ve never been one who can get up, shower, shave, brush my teeth then go to work travelling the same road to the same place to do the same thing day after day. Such a “life” would cause me to leap off a tall building as it would drive me insane.

I dunno if that’s making any sense or not.

I think what I am saying is the fire and passion has all but vanished. I always hope there will be a variation but inevitably it’s the same …. A massage, some kissing, I go down on her, I lay on top of her, she then finishes me off with a BJ or HJ. We clean up then go to sleep.

I suggest doggy, she says no missionary is fine.

I suggest I’ll stand for finishing me off, she says no me laid on my back is fine.

I suggest she sits on my face, she says no her laying on her back is fine.

I suggest 69, she says no what we’re doing works so why change it?

I suggest she gets herself off while I watch she says “Do I have to? It’s better when you do it”

I suggest we g out for an evening, for a meal but she thinks it’s a waste of money as we have food in the house.

I suggest we go out and find somewhere quiet, she says there’s never anywhere to go and someone always comes along to interrupt.

I suggest we get some batteries for her toys, she just pulls a face and says we don’t need them or it’s not the same.

So yeah, maybe I do dislike her a little because she always wants it the same way but that’s only a tiny element of her I don’t like.

I hear "I suggest..." a lot

Maybe instead of suggesting, and the easiest to describe for me to explain, is you playfully alter the norn.

You want doggie, yet Missionary is fine.... You might not get from now to want in one move (yet) but there's nothing stopping you going from Missionary to holding her hands over her head and playfully holding her down. Going from (maybe in her mind) from ordinary/happy with/ romantic? to slightly edgy to the usual routine.

Small step coercion, taking a lead but not with expectation and see where it leads. Its something that you might want to think about. Some people are scared of change, they feel safe where they are, the meal thing is possibly like that, you say money is tight, well being (in her eyes) is reckless in getting food when you've got it, just shop with her and try and change the food you get in. Just one meal in a week if you are eating the same sort of stuff week in, week out.

Introduce new flavors or whatever, in small steps and be prepared to go back from where you've been and see what happens.

^^ this has to be some of the best advice I've ever read.
Take away her choice, take the lead it may be just what she's hoping for. It is the number 1 fantasy for most women according to surveys.

You sound very much a go getter and assertive, go get your woman. If she likes 50 shades of grey and the like this just may be the answer. 😊
I for one love power play and used to be just like your wife (we can't because of this or no because of that). When secretly I just wanted to be taken 😜