Feeling a little retro tonight. Been with my wife for 20+ years now and can just blurt out any interest and not worry about judgement but it hasn’t always been that way. Back in the days of dating or in the younger years of our relationship there were also interests I wanted to suggest that worried me. Would she see it as disgusting or gross? Would she view me differently if I suggested it? Always felt like I needed to be careful given I led the exploration. Watersports and swinging are two that come to mind. There are some younger folks, or rather, younger relationships participating here. What is a topic that you would love to discuss with your OH that you are just not sure about bringing up given you are worried about judgement or rejection?
I will say that back in those days the way I dealt with it was with humor. I would kind of send out a non-serious trial balloon to see what the reaction was.
We are early 30s and been married 5 years.
Up until about two years ago we didn’t discuss anything like what we do now. I remember that feeling too, and while he has always been quite open sexually, and has helped and guided me through my very closed off sexuality, it took me a long time to truly feel confident to ask him if he had any fantasies. When I did, he responded so positively and openly with “yeah, loads,” I asked him why he had never brought this up himself, and he had simply not wanted to “corrupt me” (religious background, silly, we know).
He also uses humour, even now, and while I think a lot of that is just because he does like to have fun with everything, I respond to everything he says without judgement, just in case it is or becomes something he genuinely wants to try. Likewise he has facilitated everything I’ve ever asked, even though it is a slow process of me learning to ask for what I want as part of my own journey with sexuality.
Needless to say, I’m so glad I sucked it up that day and asked. I was SO nervous just to ask if he had any fantasies, I remember it vividly and I think I always will.
That was a true turning point, and our communication skills only get better and more comfortable as the years pass. I am grateful for it, as I know many don’t get this until later in their relationships.
I feel like I was lucky that we turned out to be so compatible as I know some people can be very judgemental, but ultimately I’d rather have known either way 3 years in to the relationship than 13 years in.
Great post and it sounds like you have a great relationship. Appreciate you understanding what I meant by that awkward feeling of bringing up a sexual interest not knowing how your partner would react.
In my previous relationship (10y) we started very vanilla, but as usual, i got bored and slowly started to explore new things, i never felt fear of judgment because it was a progressive thing and fortunately he was very open to new experiences. We tried a lot of things that didn’t worked out but it was always like “well, this is not for me” and that’s it, no judgment at all.
When i started a new relationship i openly told him “listen, i like this and this, and i will definitely want to explore other things because i will get bored, are you ok with that?” and for now its working, although we are not in the same comfort level of my previous relationship yet, but i guess that’s something that only time can bring.
