BDSM and “dominant”

After scanning TWLEVE pages of the community (quiet day at work). As my first thread, I’m asking about bondage. My OH and me are starting out. Blindfolds, floggers, restraints and some excellent lovehoney lingerie, hot wax etc. I am a caring soul, so I don’t regard myself as a “dom” she is pleased to just follow my lead and submit to it all. We are getting more adventurous and we both enjoy it. Is all of this really “BDSM” without the whole ordering around etc, which both of us are not really into. We are probably B and SM. More experienced folk, what do you think? Must I have to be a “Dom” for us to do proper bdsm?

No you do not have to be into Dominance and submission to count as being into BDSM.

BDSM stands for bondage, discipline, dominance and submission, sadomasochism (or sadism and masochism if you prefer). It is also often used as an umbrella term to include lots of other kink and fetish type things. There is nothing wrong with being into all of it and there is nothing wrong with being into only some of it (there is also nothing wrong with being into none of it).

To me, it sounds like you have more of a top and bottom dynamic. The Top (you) being the one leading the play and the bottom (your partner) being more on the receiving end. There may be some overlaps with what you do and D/s, as often the lines can be quite blurred. I would also say Doms don’t just have to order subs around, they can be strict or they can be nurturing, they can be mean or they can be nice. There is no set formula for dominance.

Ultimately though, if you and your partner are both enjoying what you are doing, keep doing it and don’t worry about the labels. You don’t need to compete or reach a certain standard to say you are into BDSM. People generally have different definitions of labels anyway so just keep having fun

Think of it as a scale rather than an outright 100% in or 100% out type of thing.

Mrs Sen and I tend to swap roles if we are having what I call a "play session" where we will spend time doing whatever we want to each other, spanking, massaging, tickling, orgasm denial etc etc and this can be with varying levels of restraint (sometimes just using wrist ties, sometimes using under mattress restraints on just legs, or just arms etc, sometimes blindfolded and othertimes, no restraints at all).

We don't get into the whole abuse / domination / humiliation aspects, neither of us could get into that headspace so even the play sessions are from a loving / wanting to please perspective (although, she hits much harder than I do).

I did a "spin the wheel" type of activity which made one session particularly exciting, going through various activities at the touch of a button (e.g. 20 lashes on the ass with a paddle, 2 minutes of masturbation without orgasming etc etc) which did take away some of the "now what do I do" confusion that you may encounter when you are trying things out (you can even get her to put a few suggestions into the pot / wheel to really get her into it.)

Most of all though, have fun with it.

BDSM is a very small term covering a very wide range of activities and you can pick and choose those which you enjoy and leave the rest alone if you wish. Although I am usually the instigator in our activities i sometimes like to be submissive. We use restraints and blindfolds occasionally. Sometimes I wear them and sometimes my wife does. We use nipple clamps. In her case they are purely decorative but mine are a little tighter. We have found our comfort zone and have no desire to explore BDSM any deeper. Don't feel that you have to embrace the whole lifestyle. Just start with what you are comfortable with and see how your mutual interests develop.

We are into some elements of BDSM, not into others. We don't do dominance, humiliation or any of that sort of stuff.

For any given session, someone is in charge, but not really in a dom/sub sort of way, more in a taking what they want sort of way.

Please don't feel you need to do something to do "proper BDSM". Sounds like you are doing just fine.

Everyone has their own limits and are aroused by different sensations, see it as a journey rather than a destination. We have been discovering our own little D/s world for over a decade as a couple and even now we are discovering new kinks.

There is no script, just keep it organic.

Its always better with this with someone you have a close bond with, that you are comfortable to be open and honest with. It still amazes me how little some of my friends know about their OH's and even themselves.

The more you know someone the more you can integrate your kinks into everyday life, what you wear, how you talk and even household tasks. I think a lot of it is the balance of fantasy and reality, he will buy me anything if i am wearing my long boots ;-)

No. You can be what ever u want to be. That's what makes it fun. I'm in a dom sub relationship with my partner, so if there is anything you want to ask then go ahead and ill try and help where possible. You best thing is communication. Be open and honest with each other and talk talk and talk some more. Do research online and discuss the limits, dos and don't. But most importantly have fun and enjoy it x

Domination in this context can simply be the act of taking charge. There’s no need to be bossy, use humiliation or talk dirty, unless that’s fun for you & your partner.

If you make a plan, initiate it and your partner submits themselves to your wishes, you've placed yourself in a dominant position, regardless of whether you ask politely, demand, or use humiliating language

In BDSM play, this state of relative dominance can take whatever form you like, but it always relies on good communication beforehand to clearly establish the submissive partner’s desires, and boundaries: effectively this means they are in charge at all times because they give you consent in advance & can stop play at anytime, by using safewords or similar.

Domination to me is about being decisive, about leadership, directing play, and nurturing my wife’s desires. Whatever voice, language, outfit or toy we may adopt, it always comes from a place of love and respect.

👊❤️

You do whatever you are both happy doing. My husband acts as a dom I'd say 80% of the time. I'm happy to be his sub. Sometimes we role play like the security guard and theif for instance.. we still end up laughing in the middle of it, we arent that strict lol. If we are really in the zone we will go full on ordering around and really get into it but most of the time it's pretty tame really, its amazing but not like you can find in the pornos 😅 some of that stuff is too far for us as yet/or ever! We use under matress and over door restraints, blindfolds etc and sometimes he verbally abuses me, slag, slut etc. (which I like and had to tell him I liked) otherwise he wouldnt have done it, he is really good like that. It's all fun, we will try pretty much anything really and if we like it we will do it again 🥰