My husband and I haven’t dabbled in BDSM for a couple of years (since our youngest son was born) but out of the blue he wanted to do it last night. Nothing too heavy, just a bit of light spanking with our riding crop, and some rough oral & penetrative sex.
Afterwards I burst into tears, and cried uncontrollably for almost an hour. That has never happened to me before, and I still feel off today. My husband is understandably worried and feels like he went too far, but I don’t know how to explain it to him.
I know a number of things were wrong:
We didn’t talk about it beforehand - it was sprung on me last minute
It had been a long time since we last engaged in BDSM
We hadn’t recapped boundaries or safe words
I’m naturally submissive and eager to please, so I didn’t say stop even when I wanted it to stop
I’ve been in therapy for the last year and uncovered some repressed childhood sexual trauma
I’d had a bad day and really wanted some TLC in the bedroom
I know mistakes were made on both parts, and we both agree that any BDSM activities need to be agreed beforehand from now on. I also need to work on my communication, as I’ve been conditioned by previous partners/abusers not to speak up. Even though I feel safe and secure with my husband, I still find it hard to say that I don’t like something.
I just can’t help feeling like a failure. I feel like I’m ruined, and that I spoiled the whole thing. My husband was really into it, for the first time in a long time (due to low libido issues on his part), and now it’s tainted because I had a breakdown. I can’t help feeling like he won’t ever want to do that again, and will be wary of having sex in general now.
I’m not sure if I’m after advice, venting, or just shared experiences here, but there it is
Highly emotional responses after kinky play are common due to the release of all the hormones and chemicals during play. With everything you have also been through as well plus your husband’s low libido, it has probably utterly overwhelmed your system and your body released all that in the form of crying.
Right now, it sounds like you are dropping. Your system was flooded with lots of hormones etc and now they’ve left your system; what goes up, must come down. It does make you feel crappy and bad about not just what happened but yourself as well. I promise you the feeling will pass and then you and your husband can have a proper conversation about what happened. You aren’t a failure and you didn’t spoil anything, and in a day or so you’ll be able to see it more clearly.
In the meantime, look after yourself. Eat your favourite food (although do over do the sugar), take some you time, be that watching movies you love, listening to your favourite songs, having a bath, going for a walk, whatever you like to do.
When you feel up to it, do some research on sub drop. Recognising it and being aware that it is a possibility can help you prevent it and, If not and you find yourself in this position again, you’ll know more about what’s going on and it won’t feel quite as bad.
I can’t add anything to what @Calie has said, she’s spot on.
I just wanted to comment to say, don’t beat yourself up. Do something you enjoy to de-stress and when you’re ready have a conversation where you say exactly what you have above; that as it’s been a while and the emotional rollercoaster was just a bit overwhelming.
It sounds like you’ve already had part of that conversation. Big hugs to you.
I agree entirely with what @Calie@Peitho & @Fantasy69 have said, and first thing wanted to reiterate myself is that you are by no means a failure, and most certainly not ruined. It sounds like quite the opposite, and from your post, finding out a lot more about @Boogaloo!
Try to look at this as an experience where both yourself and your husband simply learn from, rather than mistakes being made.
It seems like you have a lot of awareness on the important bits, and as tough as it will be communication will be very important. I understand your worry about your husband being wary from the experience, but as Calie mentioned, having a good conversation with your husband about it all is likely to help for you both. If you can be open and honest with him about your boundaries (Need advance notice, recap safe words, etc.,) I am sure you will both feel a lot better.
If talking is difficult from past experiences, maybe try putting it in writing for your husband.
The last thing I will say is be kind to yourself, and give yourself some time. It sounds like you are at an intense phase of your therapy, give yourself time to process the repressed trauma.
Wishing you all the best wishes, and of course plenty of TLC from your husband too.
Aw… advice, venting or sharing an experience, this is a safe place to talk about things and is good you’ve opened up especially to your husband who I’m guessing must be feeling rather awful too for not realising you wasn’t into the moment.
It is really important these sort of things are talked about beforehand and a safe word is agreed upon.
But never think it’s on you to feel like a failure or ruined as that’s by far not the case and it’s neither one’s fault. The main thing is what was done afterwards when you told him how you felt and stuff… hopefully he gave a big hug and tried to comfort you after listening to what had to say
Hey @Boogaloo don’t beat yourself up about things as you say you weren’t expecting it and you have a lot going on. Hubby will be feeling bad for thinking he has over stepped the mark. We normally discuss if we are fancying something kinkier than normal. I’m sure you will work through it probably just on a different wavelength on the night
Thank you for the kind words everyone It’s nice to know that it’s somewhat normal!
We did have a brief chat about it again this afternoon, and he told me that he came away from the situation feeling like he had assaulted me, which is what I had feared. I explained what was going on at the time, and we’ve both agreed that I need to communicate more openly with him about what I want, and he needs to check with me too, which will take some work. He feels like he understands a lot more clearly now though, which is a step in the right direction. And perhaps, given what I’ve been dealing with in therapy, BDSM is best left alone for the time being anyway. I always used to enjoy it, but perhaps I’m just not capable right now.
I’ve still felt pretty down and disconnected throughout the day. I’m hoping if we can get the kids off to bed early tonight we might be able to talk some more.
I can’t add much more than what has already been said. But seriously look into aftercare for subdrop. Even if you are in a great place & the BDSM scene you have just had was amazing, the subdrop can be extremely overwhelming. Have the hot bath, treats, cuddle blanket/plushy, favourite film, hugs & pampering from your husband. Whatever works for your self soothing and comfort to get you back to you again. Communication is the always the key. Wishing you the best, take care of yourself.
It’s good to hear that you have both talked at least a little about it, I am sure it would have helped you both a lot.
Now that you have both spoken about it, hopefully he will be feeling a little different about that now. Just remember, this is a two way thing, and don’t take it all on yourself. I can only assume he is aware of some of past issues and that you find it difficult expressing what you really want or need. I watched the Roman Kemp documentary a while back, and it may seem very ‘off topic’, but I liked the ‘ask twice’ concept. If someone asks if I am OK, my default auto answer is ‘Yes, I’m good’, regardless of how I actually am. If someone then says are you really OK though? I stop, think and know they care about my answer, and genuinely want to hear how I am. I then get honest.
Maybe that might be something that would help when your husband checks in as far as you being naturally submissive and eager to please.
Be kind to yourself, there is a lot of self-discovery going on for you, and that in itself may lead to further questions about yourself. You will always be capable, it just may not be right for you at this time. With what you are dealing with in therapy, it will feel like being on a rollercoaster, and blindfolded at times too. Time is very much your friend.
Me and my other half are in a bit of a dry patch (sounds rubbish way of putting it but), completely unrelated stuff, but for now we have put a pin in kink. We are focusing on being intimate with each other when we can, and just enjoying each others company. Who knows what will happen in the future, it just feels the right thing to be doing at this time, and removing pressure from my OH.
I guess what I am trying to say is if you feel you need TLC with your husband right now, that is OK.
It sounds like you have a loving caring hubby that makes you feel safe and secure, BDSM will be there waiting for you when it’s right for you both. My guess is that you will both end up closer to each other with everything you have going on.
It’s nice to know that it’s somewhat normal!