Any tips on how to deal with bed death? Not that I’ve not tried to help the issue, I have tried bullets (that’s the only toy she is open to using). Got massage sets and all sorts of oils to try and set the mood. More recently there seems to be many different excuses or reasons.
From what I’ve read it is more common with lesbians to experience bed death and to become more like friends.
I’m not sure what else to try or do. I’ve spoken to her and explained how it’s made me feel for almost 2 years and there’s been no change.
I haven’t been in a same sex relationship, but I wonder if some considerations might still apply? Long term relationships can wax and wane sexually - the main thing is to keep talking, and to keep up those little expressions of intimacy and thoughtfulness.
You don’t say how long you have been together. If it has been like this from the start then that raises questions about compatibility and why you are together - is there something else you both enjoy about each other’s company?
If it is more recent (you mention 2 years) is there anything else happening in your life or in hers which might be stressful? That can put sex on the back burner for a while.
I guess the usual advice applies - don’t pressure each other, keep intimacy going in non sexual ways, keep talking and doing things you enjoy.
If you think it is just about sex, maybe a frank and open conversation between you about what each of you likes?
Welcome to Lovehoney - I’m sure others will be along with more experienced advice…
We’ve been together 4years and recently married. We try to keep an open and honest dialogue between us. However when I mention a lack of sexual intimacy she then takes that as she’s not a good partner. A lot of the time it’s the usual excuses of being tired or has a headache or is worried our child will wake up. When it actually seems that she has no disire or interest in sex.
There can be lots of reasons for libido to drop off or disappear. Sometimes it can be unrelated to the relationship and could be stress, tiredness etc. Children can certainly impact too, from experience it can be hard to get horny at the ‘right’ time, often evenings/, nights are best after children are asleep but by then I’m utterly exhausted too. Add to that my husband and I don’t always sync up and it can lead to frustrations!
Is it possible for you to both set aside some time for a date night where you can talk without worry of being interrupted and you could have an open conversation in a relaxed atmosphere? It might be a way to talk about things in general, and see if there’s anything wider that is stressing her?
My only other thought would be that I’ve suffered drop off in my libido, and i found that the less i had sex, the less I wanted it. Could this be the case?
I don’t know if any of that helps, but good luck. I hope you both find a way through.
Yikes I’d say that don’t leave much ground for you to experiment with her then and the best outcome is if she someday gets a sexual reawakening to be more active again, but that don’t really help you and your needs in the meantime sadly…
Well 3 years on and its still the same, i started keeping count of how long between any activities and the longest was 18months. And saw a post by the website today about the gaps in sex drives. Talking hasnt helped, turns out she knew before we got married it was going to be a sexless marriage. I never thought i would be mid 30 and in a sexless marriage. Pretty much all intimacy has gone now. We dont cuddle, kiss its like i sleep next to a friend or sister.
Hey, I hear you. That sounds really tough, and I can tell you’ve put in a lot of effort to try and rekindle intimacy. It’s completely understandable to feel frustrated and hurt, especially after talking to her and being told that she knew she was going into a sexless marriage.
Just out of curiosity have you discussed why she personally thinks the intimacy has faded? She said she knew she was going into a sexless marriage and I wonder what caused her to think that and why she didn’t discuss that with you before getting married.
It’s been 3 more years and I think you need to potentially ask yourself how much intimacy means to you in a relationship. If you haven’t already it might be a shout to try and speak to a relationship councillor. I really hope everything works out for you <3
@Bibaby If you entered in to your marriage on the impression that it would include sex, regardless how infrequent it was, but your wife knew it was going to be sexless and she didn’t make that clear, it sounds like she hasn’t been 100% honest with you, which honestly isn’t the best way to start a marriage.
Only you can decide if you love your wife enough that you would be happy to be in a sexless marriage, but you have to take your own needs in to account too, you obviously still crave sex and how will you deal with the lack of sex, do you honestly think you can, to be blunt, stay faithful.
Sex too most is a huge part of a relationship and you need a good understanding with each other if you’re gonna make it sexless and emotionally monogamous.
Like I said this is only a decision you can make, but believe me, after a recent break up myself, I know you’ll get lots of helpful support from the LH community.
Wow. That is some lie. I’m afraid if I had found that out, all my trust would have evaporated in a second. And without trust, you have nothing. Im so, so sorry for you.
I think the writing is on the wall. It’s sounds like you’ve been deceived.
I’d try couples counselling, maybe it’s a last ditch attempt. When all intimacy has gone and it does sound like that when you say there isn’t any cuddling or kissing then it may be over. Relationships can be so difficult but yours sounds very one way.
Do you want to be in a marriage with a friend or do you want a lover?
It was very selfish and unfair for her to marry you without discussing that in advance. Ignoring your attempts to rekindle intimacy is hurtful and cold.
Remember you only have one life. This could be the situation you are in for another 30 or 40 years, so you need to be honest with her and yourself about whether you’re going to be happy in a relationship like that. If you do nothing, you risk having huge regrets at some point in the future and may even begin to build resentment towards her.
@Bibaby My heart goes out to you . I myself am in a sexless marriage . My wife is disabled and has been a chronic pain patient for 23 years . Between the pain and all the medicines , she has zero sex drive . I on the other hand ( so to speak ) are not much hornier that when I was 20 as I approach 67 . I have been a self service person forever , and am pretty good at it . I feel sorry for myself every once in a while . She suggested I get a fuck buddy , but I am wired so that is impossible . She even suggested I go to Nevada and hire a professional . I am afraid I might cum in record time and it would be a waste of money . I am not so much as a friend , I do 100% of housework , yard work and vehicle maintenance , along with nurse and servant . I am her driver , councilor and feed and care for our pets . At least she seems to enjoy watching me do house work naked or dressed in lingerie . I wish I had some wisdom for you that would help your issue .
Im sorry to hear that the lack of sex and intimacy has not improved.
After finding out that she deceived you, how has that made you feel? Has it changed the outlook of your marriage? Are you willing to continue as you are?
I cant imagine the strain that its putting on you.
@Bibaby, unless you were aware of your partners expectations for the relationship, which given your post, you weren’t, then it would appear that you have been deceived.
You have a stark choice and I think you know that, you have patient to this point, but you now need to take your destiny into your own hands and start to think of your needs.
Your current relationship is unfortunately coming to an end, but a new adventure awaits you one on your terms.
. I myself am in a sexless marriage . My wife is disabled and has been a chronic pain patient for 23 years . Between the pain and all the medicines , she has zero sex drive . I on the other hand ( so to speak ) are not much hornier that when I was 20 as I approach 67 . I have been a self service person forever , and am pretty good at it . I feel sorry for myself every once in a while . She suggested I get a fuck buddy , but I am wired so that is impossible . She even suggested I go to Nevada and hire a professional . I am afraid I might cum in record time and it would be a waste of money . I am not so much as a friend , I do 100% of housework , yard work and vehicle maintenance , along with nurse and servant . I am her driver , councilor and feed and care for our pets . At least she seems to enjoy watching me do house work naked or dressed in lingerie . I wish I had some wisdom for you that would help your issue .