I have recently bought a simple bed restraint kit with a view to trying it with my partner. The first experience was recieved ok, though I was a bit unsure how my wife would react. Are there any sugguestions for how I take it to the next level. What do women enjoy most when they are restrained?
Tickles! Be imaginative on what to tickle with - hard things, soft things, feathery things, hot/cold, body parts.
A blindfold will really increase the sensitivity for her too.
Well as everyone likes different things its a little hard to know exactly what your wife would enjoy . Maybe ask her to give you a few hints so you know how far to take it .
Personally I enjoy the blindfold aspect, the thrill of not knowing what's coming next and it makes everything seem more sensitive. We have the fsog hard restraints kit and once secured and blindfolded I love to be massaged, have sex toys used on me , love my OH to give me oral while I'm in this position. Also enjoy being flogged while restrained , we have the fsog flogger which is good for beginners and just gives a bit of a sting but can also be used in a gentle swishing way over sensitive parts :)
Talk to her!
I get that these things can be a sensitive subject, or you may be embarrassed or something, but.... you should always talk to your partner about what they want. It's the only way you can know where bounds lie.
But.
If you don't want a super serious convo, ask her to write on some little slips things she'd like, like fantasy cards.
Every now and then, take one, read it, and create it for her.
If you've only used a basic restraint kit once, you probably don't want to be thinking of ramping it up right away- unless your partner specifically asked for it. But if she had, you wouldn't be asking this....
Play more. Light candles and start music. Lead her to the bed, restrain her. Treat her to a massage. Ask her what she'd like you to do to her like this. On what she says, improvise blindfolds if she wishes, or use things you already have.
From this you'll know in future what to purchase, what to do, what she wants.
What one woman likes may be hell for another, hence why I stress talking is important. I like being tied up, heavy impact play, mild tortures (mainly psychological, eg. don't scream; count before I.... etc) and orgasm denial. That may cause someone else to absolutely lose their shit the second you lay a hand/impact toy on her.
If you can't talk about it in some way, you probably shouldn't be doing it.
I'm really sorry if this has come across as really harsh. I didn't mean it to be. I just really have an issue when people ask for recommendations on little personal experience, and bypassing the acknowledgement of communication. Sure, I can understand wanting to surprise her, but after one play session..... it could go any way. That's why fantasy cards are good. You get surprise, and the security that she's definitely going to enjoy it.
absolutely agree that you should talk to her. She knows what she wants more than any of us. We only know what we want and what our partners want we may be similar but is unlikely to be the same! Communication is the bedrock of some sexual satisfaction :-)
You could use something like this to test the water?
http://www.lovehoney.co.uk/product.cfm?p=29558
Might give you a foundation of things to talk about, rather than just going in cold?
I personally would love this. If only anyone i met had the balls to do it too me haha !
I agree that everyone is different but i also believe that if you take her by suprise in the heat of the moment she will love it. Maybe discuss with her before hand and come up with a safe word in case she doesn't like it.
Personally i've always hated the idea of being restrained, i don't like not being in control, but then that is probably the result of a very demanding case of OCD i've felt my whole life is dictated by it not me, so control is a big thing for me, but i trust my partner enough that if he wanted to, i'd let him. I'd want it to be sensual ratehr than sexual though. verying degrees of pressure of kisses all over the body, maybe little licking, light nibbles, gentle strokes, massage. I don't think i'd personally enjoy restrained sex, as it just doesn't give me that comfort of feeling like i can stop things whenever i want, since i can't pull away/push him further away if he's going too deep etc, but if it was something he really wanted i'd let him, as long as he knew if i said "stop" it means stop, and im not just playing along.
Like everyone else has said, comunication with each other is key. Maybe try switching roles as well, then you can also show eachother what you both like.
Everyone likes different things. My husband and I are hugely into BDSM, it's our entire sex life (and it does cross over into the rest of our lives too as we are a D/s couple) and we just couldn't live without it.
As said above, communication is key. For example, the first poster mentioned tickling, but I would absolutely HATE that (especially if it had happened in the very early stages of our BDSM exploration and we hadn't talked about it). Everyone really is different and it's important that you talk to her to find out what she likes. If she doesn't know, you'll have fun taking it slow and finding out together.
You need to build trust in that area. You may have trust in the rest of your relationship, but she needs to trust that you're looking out for her and you're not going to hurt her (intentionally or accidentally). A good idea is to give her a safeword, so if she wants to stop or slowdown, she knows she can (don't actually pick the words "stop" or "slowdown" though, red and amber are good choices). Knowledge is also important, so I'd suggest reading up as much as you can. There are loads of websites and books out there for you to have a look at.
Good luck on your journey! It's an excellent one to take and I'm sure you'll both thoroughly enjoy it.
But.
If you don't want a super serious convo, ask her to write on some little slips things she'd like, like fantasy cards.
Every now and then, take one, read it, and create it for her.
That's a seriously good idea...
My G/F is very resistant to my restraining her - but we've got as far as the idea that she cannot be in charge ALL of the time and indeed have tried master/slave with her as slave (it was a quid pro quo for a previous weekend when she was mistress) and she did get into it - quite a big step since she is Yoruba so being "slave" was a bit of a cultural no-no - and it worked quite well. I gather I can expect her to be quite aggressive when she next has charge.
Next step I think will be to introduce a fairly lengthy game partly of chance (maybe backgammon) to determine who will be in charge, to build pleasurable anticipation. I am not quite clear on how to do it but the use of the doubling cube might be able to create intensity levels (for example things that a safeword could NOT be used to stop).
Once I have got her to restraint, then I think blindfold is a good intensifier - and the next could be headphones so that she cannot hear either - and when I decide to spend a LOT of money, there are vibrators and e-stims that you can link to your hifi so that the the music would be felt as well as heard. At least I know there used to be although I have not seen them around for quite a while.
rogerthechorister wrote:
---(for example things that a safeword could NOT be used to stop).
No. Whole big pile of no.
A safeword is always listened to. always used to stop.
Sure, you can ignore ''no'', ''stop'', ''please'' etc. But NOT your safeword.
BDSM is built entirely on the constraints of safe, sane, consensual.
Ignoring a safeword you have come up with together as the last level of safety and security in your play is COMPLETELY unacceptable and a violation of your partner, her rights, and the ''contract'' you entered into by practicing BDSM.
It's not acceptable on any grounds to ignore a safeword. Never.
Also. Your girlfriend is resistant to the idea of being restrained?
DON'T DO IT.
Reluctance is not ''convince me''.
Your entire post makes me highly uneasy for your partner and the practices that exist within your relationship, especially in relation to her cultural standings and reluctances, and her resistance to the entire notion of being restrained.
rogerthechorister wrote:
My G/F is very resistant to my restraining her - but we've got as far as the idea that she cannot be in charge ALL of the time and indeed have tried master/slave with her as slave (it was a quid pro quo for a previous weekend when she was mistress) and she did get into it - quite a big step since she is Yoruba so being "slave" was a bit of a cultural no-no - and it worked quite well. I gather I can expect her to be quite aggressive when she next has charge.
Next step I think will be to introduce a fairly lengthy game partly of chance (maybe backgammon) to determine who will be in charge, to build pleasurable anticipation. I am not quite clear on how to do it but the use of the doubling cube might be able to create intensity levels (for example things that a safeword could NOT be used to stop).
Once I have got her to restraint, then I think blindfold is a good intensifier - and the next could be headphones so that she cannot hear either - and when I decide to spend a LOT of money, there are vibrators and e-stims that you can link to your hifi so that the the music would be felt as well as heard. At least I know there used to be although I have not seen them around for quite a while.
Yes, I have to agree with fairehlights. This post makes me very uncomfortable.
BDSM is built on being safe, sane and consensual. If it is not safe, sane and consensual then it is not BDSM. You should never ignore a safeword. Never.
Does your girlfriend want to practice BDSM? If so, that's great, but like with everything there are going to be certain elements she's not comfortable with or doesn't want to do and that's fine. It sounds as if restraint may be one of those for her. If she's reluctant to be restrained, don't force or coerce or persuade her into it, especially not with the line that "she can't be in charge all of the time".
Her not being in charge all the time is fine, but that doesn't mean that when it's you whose in charge that you can just ignore any concerns or limits she has. You need to listen to her, and if she's not okay with restraint then don't do it. That doesn't diminish your authority in any way. In fact, it makes you a better Dom because you're looking after your sub and considering her needs, wants and limitations which is extremely important to build trust and further this kind of relationship.
Being the Master or Dominant doesn't mean that what you say goes all the time, regardless of what she says or what she wants. That's why you need to communicate and why you need safewords.
rogerthechorister wrote:
(for example things that a safeword could NOT be used to stop).
This is definitely not recommended at all. As the others have said, a safe word should ALWAYS, without fail be listened to and is essential for any sort of BDSM play. No one wants to be accused of or feel as though they have been raped (unless it's a fantasy which you have previously discussed - and even THEN a safe word is needed, even more so in fact).
I'm implore you to heed the advice you're being given on this one, and most importantly, talk to your partner about what's next in your sexual adventure :)
Why have a safeword if you don't listen to it?! Safe words are essential for both of you. For the sub because they can put their trust in you knowing that it won't go too far for them and for the dom because you know you're not doing anything to hurt them. The second you hear a safeword you know the sub isn't consenting, of you continue KNOWING she's not consenting, that's rape.
I totally agree everything Fairehlights, Baelish & Jess have said.
It takes a huge amount of trust from both partners when you are tied up or in a vulnerable position. Safe words don’t mean that you don’t trust your partner. They are there to protect you both on a physical and emotional level. Whatever you do, it should ALWAYS be Safe, Sane & Consensual.
Teasing for as long as possible is always well recieved! have you tried getting her to the brink of orgasm then backing off unti lshe can't stand it any more?
Everybody has made some really good points.
By buying the bed sheets you have already taken a huge step to introduce the idea, I always find that to be the hardest part because I don't know how people are going to react to certain requests. Taking it to the next step can be the tricky part.
My favorite idea is to find some cards and having her write ideas that she likes on them. Have them be simple and a component to a whole scene. Some examples might be Tickling, Being blindfolded and being kissed/touched all over, Edging, Full body oil massage with a happy ending for her, ice cubes followed by a warm tongue :p ect. As long as they are things she likes and wants.
I love being tied up, it can be a very erotic experience! With softer play it can be very comforting to be restrained and pampered. For stuff like Edging, knife play, and impact play not being able to move leaves you feeling like you are helpless against the will of your partner.
Having been involved in BDSM, something I have come to realize is while the Dom may seem in control of the situation... It is the Sub is the one who is in total control, even when it doesn't feel like it. The sub decides what will and wont happen during a scene and has the power of the safe word!
Safe Words can be as simple as " Stop " But can also be fun like " PINEAPPLE MINT MARGARITAS!!! " Another idea that I have used is having a build up safe word. A build up safe word is basically something that is determined before a scene and require you to think. Ideas are " Name 5 Banks " , " What are your 3 favorite Disney Movies "... This allows the Dom to know that things are getting to much for you and tell him to slow down. If you name off all the numbers it is a firm safe word and he should stop. If you decide that you can handle it and stop listing things off then it is okay to keep going. Build up's should always have a hard safe word just in case!
I love the idea of not knowing what is going to happen next. Is it going to be a finger or a toy. Blind folded with lights on letting him
Look where he wants without me seeing.