Bi-Curious Male? Advice Needed! Help

Sex Tips & Talk
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Hi Everyone,

Im a 26 year old male with (female) fiancé of 8 years will be 9 this year with lockdown and previous situations weve become very open and honest with each other, ive always considered myself straight, im also a crossdresser (i say crossdresser i wear lingerie but would like to go further but thats a story for another day) so she found out i was crossdressing as she found out i was sending pictures of me wearing lingerie to guys on grindr as i just wanted to tell someone or be accepted and id also ask for cock pictures and wanted to give a guy a bj as it would get me so horny crossdressing this was back in 2019

She immediately jump to conclusion and thought i was gay but im not and i reassured her of this, im just curious so i mentioned about trying a strap on she was happy to do this which we have done and do use only if i ask for it as she says she finds it awkward and i really like anal play and have some butt plugs and vibrating ones too

So because i like anal play she then thought i was just bisexual she no longer thinks that but im not bisexual i know that im just very curious which ive told her as ive only ever been with women but find myself wanting to experiment a little as i get old but i find myself wanting to give a guy a bj, have sex with a guy as a bottom or be in a mmm threesome with me in the middle.

Now i dont really know what to do as she knows from previous chats im curious about doing things with a guy but she said that would be cheating as we are engaged which i agree with and ive said i wouldnt do anything but i find the urges becoming really strong of wanting to act on it and i dont know what to do:/???

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Hey dude, so I’m gay and know that it’s quite common for many men who’s only ever been with a girl to get urges with wanting to explore their sexuality and try things. Ironically I often get guys on Grindr who are bi or straight in relationships wanting to have fun and I’m quite proud of myself for turning them away as yes if your in a relationship then it is classed as cheating unless you’ve come to some sort of agreement with your other half about it…

Have you considered talking with your fiancé and having an open conversation about if your truly ready to get married yet or maybe see the possibilities of putting things on hold so you and her can have a mutual agreement of taking some time out to explore all these fantasies and any she may have by doing some soul searching, then come end of a certain time when both are ready you can pick things up again and might find it’s brought you closer together or taken you down a different route to finding your self happiness.

One thing I know is for some them urges may pass but for others if you just bury them away they only get stronger or will pop up again later on and that’s when your more likely to make wrong choices on impulse that could ultimately ruin a relationship and hurt others, so as some wise advice it’s better to work through these things now then after you’ve got married and everything becomes more complicated emotionally.

Hope this is of some help to you :relieved:

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@MrBig2015

Have you tried discussing her thoughts on having a MMF Threesome - does she have any interest in that?

Does she have any sorts of curious thoughts or fantasies she would like to fulfil with an additional male or female in the bedroom.

If you were both up for it, you could try swinging with another couple just to play around and have a bit of fun where you can both gain something from it.

But I guess you have to tread carefully because you don’t want this to ruin your relationship and her to think she’s not enough, because that’s not what it’s about.

You’re still quite young and I think it’s definitely a good time for you to explore these fantasies while you’re still young so you can be sure that you know exactly what you want going forwards.

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Some top advice from @AJSTAR there. I would agree that you need to get it straight in your head if you are truly happy to park these increasing urges for a married monogamous Herero existence. I would keep channels of communication open with your fiancé about this so if you do proceed with getting hitched you have both been open and honest with each other.
I would seek some independent advice from a charity helpline, where you can verbalise to a complete stranger in confidence about where you are at. It can help no end. Good luck.

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Hi @MrBig2015. Great advice from @AJSTAR, @Cupc8kes and @Gosig. I totally agree that you should have an open conversation with your fiance, you don’t want to keep things secret and risk hurting her in the future.

I can relate (from a female point of view!) - I have been with my OH (male) for 15 years (married for 6) and we met when we were 18. I knew I found both men and women attractive but because of how I was bought up, I was ashamed of my feelings for women and ignored it. I started to accept my feelings a few years later and now consider myself to be bi despite never having been with a woman. I never acted on my urges and still have them now which leaves me feeling frustrated some of the time.

Sometimes I find myself wishing that I had tried a few things sexually (including being with a woman amongst other things) before settling down with my OH, but if I had done that I would have lost my relationship with my OH. The decision to keep these things in the realm of fantasy is one that I am so glad I made despite the frustrations that come with it sometimes! My OH means more to me than anything else (sappy I know!).

I’m not trying to give you advice or tell you what to do, just to give you my perspective and I hope you can come to the right decision for you.

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Some great advice above which I agree with.

It sounds like you need to find out who you really are, and if you are struggling now then it will be even harder to explore this after committing to a monogamous relationship.

I’m a bit confused as you are saying you are aroused by the thoughts of homosexual sexual activities but are also saying you don’t believe you are bisexual? Assuming you are also interested in heterosexual fun then to me you are interested in both sexes and are bisexual, and there’s nothing wrong with that. You don’t have to have acted on any fantasies to know your own sexuality - as with @Kitty-Cat01 I am bisexual and have only ever been in relationships with men so far.
And I’m not meaning to criticize at all, understanding and accepting sexuality is not always easy!

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Hi there @MrBig2015 and welcome to the forum. Widowed bi guy speaking.

I’m going to start off by saying that I second everything @AJSTAR has said: he’s bang on the money. However, if he doesn’t mind, I’m going to suggest a little finesse-tweak to one sentence of his reply:

“I often get guys on Grindr who are bi or straight”

I’d change that to read “I often get guys on Grindr who are bi or who think of themselves as straight” - cos (in my book, anyway) if a guy says “I’m straight” then opens a Grindr account looking for sex with other men… he’s NOT STRAIGHT! :laughing:

Of course, it’s not mine or anyone else’s place to tell you what your sexuality is - only you can discover that for yourself and decide what, if any, “label” feels like the best fit - but I hope you won’t be offended if I say that, based on what you’ve written in your post, I think you’re currently in a whole heap of denial.

It’s this business of you describing yourself as “not bisexual - just straight but curious” that gets me. I have issues with the whole concept of “bi curious”. I believe it’s a label used by people who ARE bisexual but who are having problems coming to terms with that truth. In my opinion, these people are queer but are afraid of accepting the fact or - god forbid! - identifying as such. I don’t blame them for feeling this way. Growing up, as we all have to, in what is still an overwhelmingly cis/het society with its pressures to conform, the journey to self-acceptance as a queer person can be a scary one - but it’s one you have to make if you are to be truly at one with yourself. Anything else is living a lie, and that road leads nowhere but misery-town. Anxiety, depression, suicide… you name it. I’m not joking or being over-dramatic here. Denial kills.

Let’s have a look at what you posted. You mention that you took pictures of yourself in lingerie and posted them online because you “just wanted to tell someone or be accepted” - so did you post the pics on a dedicated forum for crossdressers? Nope: you posted them on a hook-up platform for gay men, and asked for cock pictures.

Elsewhere you are adamant that you are “not bisexual - just curious” - but there’s a world of difference between a genuinely straight guy idly thinking “I wonder what it must be like to do XYZ with another guy?” (in the same way that he might speculate on what it must be like to be a dolphin / have wings / live on the international space station) and what you’ve said. To quote your own words:

“I’d also ask for cock pictures and wanted to give a guy a bj as it would get me so horny”

“I find myself wanting to give a guy a bj, have sex with a guy as a bottom…”

“I find the urges becoming really strong of wanting to act on it and I dont know what to do…”

Those are not the words of a heterosexual man. They don’t speak of “curiousness”; they speak of NEED. Day in, day out, nature is telling you who you are, but you are steadfastly refusing to listen to it. The longer you refuse to listen, the louder and more insistent that voice will become until you either accept its truth or go nuts.

Please understand that in pointing out these things I’m not trying to attack you or make you feel bad. I’m trying to help you achieve happiness and be at peace with yourself. As others here have said, before you and your fiancée get anywhere near the idea of actually marrying, you need to get 100% honest with yourself and 100% honest with her. No more of this “I’m not really…” nonsense. If you love her, you owe it to her to tell her the truth - and (as many bisexual men before you have had to learn), if she’s not totally accepting of the fact that YOU CRAVE COCK, then she’s not the girl for you and you’re not the boy for her.

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It’s great to have these thoughts, but some couples would see what you are doing already as cheating. I’m straight, if I jumped on tinder with the aim of getting some saucy pictures my girlfriend would be horrified. Other couples this might be acceptable but you might want to question if your partner would deem them as such.

Again in my relationship if we were to partake in a group sex activity, although entirely enjoyable I would envision jealously kicking in and ending it after a short while.

Being interested in same sex thankfully isn’t a crime here anymore but you should consider her feelings now and both yours (and potentially kids) feelings in the future. There’s been some high profile cases of celebrities coming out, so you could read up on these. Other side is I know people who have come out at bi, transgender or otherwise and still seem to have happy families, again everyone is unique.

You need a real good chat with her and yourself. If you don’t act it may eat you up, if you do and get caught it may well hurt her even more.

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The label in my jeans says “straight” and while I like to fantasise about what a woman feels, imagining what it might be like for a woman to give a blowjob is the limit for me, I just don’t find men attractive. :expressionless:

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My advice would be don’t get married until you’ve dealt with this properly. That may sound harsh but unfortunately there’s a good reason. As @AJSTAR pointed out this type of thing isn’t uncommon in people who identify as straight. But…it is considered cheating unless your partner has agreed they’re happy for you to do that (e.g an open relationship / swinging). The difference between cheating in a non-married vs. Married relationship is that it is grounds for a divorce. Nobody wants to enter a marriage with that over their head. When you get married you want to enter into that knowing you’re happy for life with the person (whoever that may be) and the sexual arrangements that come with it.

I say well done on being open and honest with your partner about it. But I also would say be honest with yourself - if you married her today would you both be happy with the sexual arrangements for life? If the answer to that is “no” then be careful as it could lead to bigger problems down the line. I’m not saying this to be unkind but simply to point out this is a very real possibility unless it’s properly dealt with.

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I’ve been caught with a dildo in my mouth and ass before. Edited by mod

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Edited by mod I haven’t done this myself but for example might want to imagine how it’d feel for my wife to have something in her bottom and/or vagina while I was thrusting my penis into her mouth. :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:

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I would have an open and honest conversation with your OH, and maybe be honest with yourself.

I have been with my wife for 18 years, (7 years married) and only “came out” about my bisexuality just over a year ago. It involved many conversations and being open with each other. It cant be rushed and needs to be a process, as both parties will need to adjust to the new dynamic of the relationship. Now our relationship is stronger than before and we can both be more open about what we desire and want experience.

Good luck

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Yes I too agree if needed a charity run helpline can be a good step for advice or even a few counselling sessions either on your own or with your partner to open up and talk about it all and the feelings

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Hahaha yes that sounds much better tweak from @PleasureDrone on the straight Grindr guys :sweat_smile:

It’s defo an odd topic when I’ve had guys saying they’re married and straight wanting to explore things without the wife knowing and then after a few shared words with them they realise they’re actually gay but never acted on the urges and in ways it’s always been a big underlying part to their life in why they’ve been depressed or unhappy for so long. In general I advise them that a random hook up isn’t what is needed but rather time and some therapy sessions to help them work through this side of themselves and so they can first go to their partner to talk about it rather then hitting a self destruct button.

Of course it’s kinda sad as many of the guys are middle aged and grew up in times where freedom to express sexuality wasn’t as welcomed as it is now so I tend to think how lucky we are to be in times of greater acceptance.

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So true with what @Shagger11 has said, divorce proceedings are very messy business and can cause so much more heartache then if things are done before marriage.

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She seems to have made her feelings pretty clear, she’s not interested in exploration or sex outside your partnership.

She seems to be entertaining your sexual desires in a very half hearted way “only if I ask for it” rather than truly engaging in them (or is that typical for most of your sex life, she goes along with whatever but doesn’t take the lead?)

You can either accept the status quo or not. If you accept it, you will most likely have to let go of your curiosity permanently. This may or may not lead to resentment. If you don’t accept it, then best to do so before you get married.

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Hahaha!! Ok now that sounds like an awkward conversation to walk into and explain :sweat_smile:

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Im in the exact same boat! Im Married and we are pretty open, we have tried most things with each other (including pegging) but Ive been curious about sucking a cock for YEARS! Ive tried to bring it up in sex questionnaires but still cant phrase it so she really knows what I want.

help?.. or creatively written sex questions would help … would prefer the sex questions, we enjoy answering those kinda questions, turn on ha

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