My boyfriend is having some ejaculation issues. He’s not able to cum when we have sex. He said that no girl has ever made him cum during sex and although he’s not massively experienced, it’s really bothering him and he gets quite upset and paranoid about it. We do a lot of foreplay and he loves everything I’m doing but just can’t cum.
It doesn’t bother me that much but obviously I know it would feel better if he could.
Does anyone have any advice? He has a fleshlight and is able to cum using that or just normal masturbation but just not during sex.
Any advice or experiences would be massively appreciated.
From what I’ve read somewhere if a guy (or any other gender for that matter) is frequently taking care of themselves so to speak, then they can get used to only cumming from that same action so the sensation of actual sex just doesn’t do it for them anymore! Not sure if this is true for all or just some and not sure if it’s just something that happens to the individual in their own head or not! I cum a lot easier from pleasuring myself than during sex to be honest but then I wouldn’t say I have trouble cumming during sex either.
I think the first thing would be to stop using the flashlight / masterbating so that he is lets say “fully loaded and ready to cum”. Do you end up with PIV when he is unable to cum? Would he cum if you wanked him off or oral? It may be a mental thing may be he is concentrating more on his performance than enjoying the experience.
(I hope that makes sense)? @Silverbullet1
I think we all get accustomed and comfortable with our own personal pleasure as we know what we like, right?
How long/ serious have his previous relationships been? I think perhaps this may be one of a few things:
You need to spend time with him learning how he does things and what he enjoys
He needs to let go of the flashlight and just enjoy the moment as he may be relying on his ‘go to’ toys and feeling a bit pressured (by himself!) to perform during PIV.
Perhaps ask him to surrender his personal pleasure for a while. He may find by reducing his self pleasure he may feel more during PIV.
4)Get super kinky and go for a cage? That way he can’t personally pleasure himself and then you can perhaps intervene as and when you feel the need.
I can totally connect with this as I’ve been the same and haven’t ever climaxed with anyone only by myself during solo play… I’m not sure if it’s the meds I’m on or an actual mind barrier what stops me from achieving this but it can get rather annoying and frustrating at times for the other person who then wonders why I’ve not been able to finish for them.
Is your partner on any anxiety/antidepressant meds? Or does he regularly watch porn when solo masturbation?
I know a lot of comment are linking it to masturbation but it could also possibly be maybe from past trauma that maybe he hasn’t confided in you yet or maybe down to a bad experience in his past.
I wouldn’t rule out the cause being masturbation but if he cuts down on that and still struggles to cum I would suggest him seeing a doctor.
Can he stay hard the entire time you are having PIV or anal intercourse? If so, I’d keep that man…
If he can pleasure you and get used to your rhythms and flow, he will eventually get there. Many factors at play. Cueing on the visual makes me cum faster… try giving him a BJ and set up a mirror or a system where he can watch. Turn on the lights instead of going by feel.
It might be psychological, such as a fear of getting you pregnant, that prevents his orgasm. Or it could be a performance anxiety in that he feels the need to keep going to ensure you’re satisfied sexually by which time he’s “numb” (guilty of both at some stage of my life).
Maybe, as others have suggested, a period of denial will ramp things up; then in your next session, tie him down and tell him you’re not gonna stop until he comes (with consentual non- consent, ofc); that’ll do the trick, I reckon!
So my OH has issues with cumming during sex. So his stems from not wanting to risk getting me pregnant (I am on birth control). It took him a long time to admit that was the issue. He can cum during anal but he can’t/won’t during PIV. Even with anal he will pull out and use his hand quickly before finishing inside me. It really bothered me at first but I have gotten used to it.
Does porn form a part of his masturbation? If so he needs to go cold turkey and also give up the fleshlight. Abstinence is a good start so that his focus is on getting his pleasure with you. You need to help him retrain his libido to associate orgasm with PIV. Once he breaks his current dependence upon his own manual stimulation he will be fine.
Hmmm. Maybe ask him to take a break from wanking and try and keep all the energy for between you both.
Can you book in a night together and explore some fantasy?
Maybe lingerie, massages, toys and stuff.
You could suggest a night where the focus is on you - and keep the pressure off him.
If he hasn’t had a wank for a week, and he spends a night with you, enjoying toys in lingerie, he might find it hard to not ejaculate!!!
I previously was in a relationship where I didn’t like our sex very much - it was a bit of a performance - and I would get in my head.
I definitely used porn too much too, so didn’t have much left to give.
With my wife, we have a lot more slow sex. We like tantric type play, and the lights are on.
We take our time and really focus on her pleasure.
I find being along for the ride just so erotic.
I love it when she gets out of her head and into her body.
If you can find the time to slow it down and turn up the playfulness, you might see a change.
Although you may have tried all these things already, so sorry if this is no use.
Hope you keep enjoying the adventure trying new things.
Good luck
Just a thought - coming from personal experience, he could possibly be suffering from Performance Anxiety. I have a really annoying brain that over thinks things a lot, and in the moment it can be a real dampener on things - and can lead to issues such as your partner is having.
Its not every time - but certainly if the pressure is on to perform it often leads to the opposite happening.
Thankfully me and the wife have reached a happy medium in that we enjoy our intimate time together regardless if either of us orgasm apart, together etc - as others have said just try and both relax into the moment and enjoy your time together with zero pressure (yes I know this is very, very, very hard) but once you both get to that “it doesn’t matter” stage then you’ll probably find that things start happening the way you want them to anyway!
I would suggest he goes cold turkey from solo masterbation and give it a week or more and try again - but you may want to wank him off during sexual play
I think it’s actually more common than you think.
I web cam, and have a few that are more like w@nk buddies and they can’t cum with piv/pia but can thro doing it themselves, the ones that have told me, have said that it’s been drummed into them about pregnancy and sti’s, even tho they are in long term relationships.
Try cutting out the solo play, as we all get use to what we like are own way. Also blindfold, as it heightens our other Senses.
It could simply be a lack of friction and that he isn’t being stimulated enough whilst inside you. A change of position might help. Also what contraception are you using if it is condoms then again the sensitivity might be dulled and he is not being stimulated enough to ejaculate.
I know there are plenty of responses already but chiming in from my experiences having difficulty orgasming with partners & from being with partners experiencing this difficulty. Here’s a few of my thoughts:
If he’s used to cumming a very specific way, you could ask him to show you, you could mimic how he masturbates himself and try that together before you progress to trying to overcome the orgasm barrier during penetrative sex
For some folks it’s all a mental block. He may be anxious, self conscious, etc., and the more frustrated he gets with himself for not cumming the worse that will get. You could talk it out, see what emotions are coming up for him and try to figure out where they’re coming from, and then try some different approaches based on what he’s feeling. If he’s body conscious you could try incorporating blindfolds. If he’s anxious you could incorporate some tantric practices, working to synchronize your breathing, to connect more
If he always orgasms a specific way on his own he could try to take a break from that and to diversify. Either taking a break from masturbation for a bit while you explore play together or not using his usual methods and trying new ones. He could practice edging, building up tension but not allowing himself release until you’re together
I used to have this a lot, and occasionally still do.
For me it is a bit of a combination of a few of the things other people have mentioned:
-Too much solo play had desensitized me to anything but my hand or a toy
-Too much porn
-Performance anxiety, not wanting to go too soon, or just generally being anxious
My solutions:
-Less porn and masturbation, if I want to masturbate can use limited porn but focus more on fantasising about my partner (now wife)
-less focus on having PIV and orgasm be my end goal, oral, mutual masturbation and playing with toys and just trying to enjoy it
Occasionally I still struggle to finish inside, but because we have made it so it’s not a goal it doesn’t have to be disappointing when it happens that way, so I don’t dwell on it like I did anymore which would in the past have been on my mind the next time creating a negative cycle.
