This is kind of a 2 part problem but they link in to each other so I'll try to explain. Sorry its so long, its the shortest version I could give!
I'm a 25 year old woman whos very open and comfortable with sex, and has been doing it for quite a while now, but I only started really masturbating a few years ago. Although I've always had a good sex life I've never been particularly comfortable with just recieving, I'm certainly not shy and actually pretty adventurous, but found it very difficult to just lie there and let someone else pleasure me. I couldn't relax and my mind would be constantly wondering onto other things. Not conducive to getting very far! As I result I generally just didn't do it and went with 'oral/manual don't do anything for me, I'll give you a blow job instead'. And as blow jobs fully turn me on it worked fine in general. And so far no-one I've been with has been able to make me come. I can come during penatrative sex (only with me on top) but I've never been able to just recieve. Telling any man that no man has ever made me come has always set them on a mission, but of course when you feel you're trying to come and thats all you're working towards you never get anywhere so none have been successful!
When I met my current partner almost a year ago however I finally felt calm and relaxed enough to actually just lie there and let him try, I knew it wouldn't just happen but I now actually feel chilled out enough to explore and try to figure out what works for me. Unfortunately my boyfriend isn't as experienced as me and doesn't really know what hes doing, though is very willing to learn. He's not as adventurous as me but I'm slowly slowly drawing him out. He's told me he doesn't particularly like giving oral sex but will do it if I ask him. I know he feels he doesn't know what hes doing which doesn't help. Frustrating as this is I don't want to make him do anything he doesn't want to do, so figured we'd just go back to 'hand stuff' and figure that out first. I think he might come around to oral in the future when he feels more confident in general anyway. But after years of not being able to recieve I have no idea what I actually like just for me and finding it pretty difficult to put anything into words. As someone who's always considered myself so open and confident with sex I'm surprised how shy and awkward I feel trying to explain anything to him. I find it hard to get aroused just lying/sitting/whatever there, no matter how much I'm enjoying him my mind still wanders, on to just about anything that isn't sex related. My brain is always on 50 things at once and as busy student this is often helpful, but not in the bedroom! I love having sex with him but I'd really like to be able to just recieve pleasure for me sometimes, as I like giving to him, and he likes recieving. I know he wants this too.
But here begins my problem. I figured obviously the best way for me to try and help him know what to do is to figure out myself what I like. Problem is this. When I masturbate I can only do it with porn, fairly left field, the stuff the hide behind the stuff thats already hidden kind of porn. Porn that isn't remotely what I'd want in real life, but I'm quite happy enjoying it in private, even if I'd never admit it to pretty much even my closest friends. And its not that that bothers me so much, its that I need to have something to focus on to block out all the 50 million other things racing round my head, I get aroused and can orgasm very quickly.
Without porn, and equally with my partner, I can't seem to get to this level of arousal, which makes recieving pleasure even if I could figure out what I want to ask my boyfriend to do pretty difficult. I try to fantasise when I'm alone but can't get anywhere, my brain can't focus, and although I'm very aroused when actually having sex its not enough in the build up to just lie there and have him touch me. When I masturbate I feel how wet I get, how everything down there expands and gets pumped full of blood and sensitive in the way I know its supposed to. I get wet but I never get to that level without porn. I've suggested watching porn with my boyfriend to try to find a middle point but he's not comfortable with this.
Basically I know this is a great long ramble and I've probably not even explained myself well but to anyone whos made it to this bottom and can offer any ideas, thank you!