SO basically every time I have a new sexual partner, by the time we have slept with each other 2 - 3 times I catch feelings. Even if they aren’t my type or at the start I have no romantic attraction towards them at all. I fall hard and I fall fast (I don’t tell any of them and keep it to myself).
But then if they do something or I just decide that sleeping with them isn’t working out them I loose feeling like that. Just as quickly as I fell for them.
Now this is ok most of the time but a couple of them have stopped sleeping with me because they either get into a relationship or have a new fwb’s and it puts me in such a sh*tting state. I can have only known them for a matter of weeks and it feels like I have just gone through a breakup!!!
This ‘falling for them’ has now happened with my last 6 sexual partners and I really hate that I do it!! I think it may have something to do with the fact that as soon as a guy gives be attention or actually somewhat shows that he cares about me my heart melts.
Might seem a simple answer but maybe your FWB’s phase of your life is over and your after a more meaningful relationship. How do you meet you FWB’s? Are they previous friends or meetings of the net? I’ve had one FWB and it didn’t work, we got too close but there was no way anything was gonna happen long term!
Maybe your subconsciously after a long term relationship but when you get close your brain tells you it’s a FWB so this shouldn’t be happening so you end it but when your FWB ends it your hurt because you are getting too close and it wasn’t your choice to end it.
I think you need to decide if FWB’s are what you want for now or if it’s time for a proper relationship. X
I don’t think you can do anything about it since it’s just part who you are as a person. You form emotional connections to people which is a good thing in my opinion, it shows that you are a caring person wanting to love and be loved. @Yes_man said it perfectly, maybe it’s time to look for a longer term, committed relationship where you can build an emotional connection as well as a physical one.
I couldn’t do the FWB thing, I always get emotionally involved in everything and this would just break me I think! I wouldn’t want to change that about myself though.
I think my experience with my one FWB made me realise how difficult it is to keep emotions out of it. We were and still are friends. I’d know her for years and she was, is a friend of my Wifes. I know it sounds wrong but it was just right for the both of us as both our relationships had failed at the time, we was both highly sexed, needed it and thought as we’d know each other for so long with no attraction it would be easy. It started of as typical FWB’s but we started falling for each other and knew due to our history it would never and was never gonna work. Then to make things more difficult I got back with the Wife. X
@Yes_man@Kitty-Cat01 I defiantly would love to get into a relationship but guys my age just aren’t about that, just wanna have sex and have fun, which I get.
I’m so scared of being in a relationship because all I will be able to think about the whole time is how awful the breakup is gunna be when they break my heart (that has happened with two exes who at the time I though I loved, but looking back on it I just liked that I was getting attention and feeling loved).
@Sophie01 I can get that as I have 3 nephews in there early 20’s and I’ve heard the stories, I appreciate you’ve been hurt but that sort of backs up you’ve been falling for your FWB’s, The thing is if you’re after a relationship it’s not for the moment but what you’ve got ahead so the last thing you should be thinking about is a break up hurting you as you’ll never put 100% in to it for that fear.
The thing about relationships, and the best one is the old cliche which is true, it always happens when you least expect it. Don’t go looking for it, it will come to you and when it does enjoy it.
I’m quite similar, I always fall in love hard and fast and I can’t always explain it; I just know.
When I started seeing my first fwb I did catch feelings early on. It took me a while to figure it out that was because I was used to relationships and I couldn’t associate why he’d be showing me attention and affection otherwise.
It probably didn’t help with my fwb that we agreed to do the friend thing as well as have sex. I guess there was more of an autopilot element what my brain was thinking. We never actually hung out as friends though which I think is what made me question my feelings. Although I got over my feelings (and we still continued having a successful fwb arrangement for a couple of years) it still hurt a lot when he moved away and felt like a break up.
Seeing multiple people at the same time also helped me as it became more normal and I wasn’t focused on one person. I could then just enjoy having casual sex as and when I wanted it.
I’d suggest having a long think about what it is you actually want and need. If you want to have casual sex but finding yourself getting too attached, maybe you need to have one night stands. If you need more chemistry or connection, maybe have more than one fwb. If you need something exclusive, then you need something exclusive. There are loads of different relationship models out there, have a play with them. Although it’s hard with the current pandemic, you can mix in platonic relationships too. A friend you can cuddle up and watch movies with, a friend you can go on what are essentially dates with and then one or more people you have sex with. As long as everyone is on the same page and happy with it then it’s ok.
Being scared of heartbreak is normal. However, if a romantic relationship is what you want then you have to take the risk. If not being in a relationship is making you unhappy then is it really worth it to avoid possible heartbreak? Not all break ups are horrific though. Sometimes you just find yourself with a great person but they aren’t the right person for you. It’s not easy to end it but it’s also not overly traumatic. Who knows, the next person might be the one you don’t break up with.
You’ve mentioned guys your age are just after sex and nothing serious. Your in your early 20s? They’re not all the same, your maybe going for the wrong type of guy. Me and @seabs117 got married at 23/24, we’d been together a couple of years. There are guys out there that will want to get to know you and actually have something serious. My husband is quite a looker and was very popular, he just wasn’t a jerk
Feel like i’m in the opposite boat. I generally feel absolutely no romantic feelings towards FWBs but a lot of them end up doing so to me. The tough situation is if they share those feelings, they’re not reciprocated, and you basically have to either feel bad about stopping the arrangement because of it, or if you keep going you feel bad knowing they have unrequited feelings and it’s not necessarily healthy for them to keep being FWBs when they have one sided attraction
I just turned 19, in my first year of uni. So I guess I am in that stage of my life where all people want to do is experiment and have fun. Although I do find myself more attracted to guys in their 20’s as I know this may sound weird but I’m attracted to someone who has their life together (cause I don’t ) a job, their own place, etc.
I never had to have a formal FWB arrangement, as, looking back, I was never without plenty of offers of sex. But my husband did have lots of FWB arrangements over the years, and he always had multiples on the go at any one point in time. That was because he knew he’d fall for someone if he went exclusive for any reason, and that wasn’t what he wanted.
As a oldie on the site I think you should just enjoy life and explore things at your age. You have many years ahead of you to settle down. (It shows how old I am when I had to google FWB to see what it meant!! Enjoy your uni years. @Sophie01
There are people out there, both men and women, who are after something serious at that age. If you want a relationship they are possible to find.
Assuming you’re finding people online (we are in lockdown so it’s hard to just go to a bar and find someone), if you want something longer term maybe try a different app or website? Doesn’t mean you need to stop enjoying yourself as you are currently, just expand horizons slightly?
Hey Sophie! To me, from your original post and subsequent replies, it sounds like the “catching feelings” may perhaps be the fear of rejection? It seems that the ones that hit you hardest are when the other person gets into a new relationship or something, the other ones it seems as though you almost end them first if you get a hint it’s not going the right way in order to protect yourself? You also mentioned that it was the feeling of getting attention/being loved that made you fall hard in previous relationships. If we need the validation from others, then we are always going be fearful of rejection. Having more belief in your own self worth can help with this - it’s natural to want attention and validation but we can’t rely solely on other people to provide this for us. This is definitely easier said than done and takes a lot of time!
It’s also natural to develop feelings for a person the more time you spend around them. During sex and orgasms, we release the oxytocin hormone (higher levels in women) which makes us connect more to the other person (essentially bonding - also released during childbirth). This generally increases after each interaction so its completely normal to develop feelings and some form of attachment to the other person. I think the thing with casual sex is whether you are able to almost compartmentalise these feelings and understand them for what they are, and it’s completely okay to realise that casual sex just isn’t for you. I think there’s a common misconception that there’s absolutely no emotional connection involved during casual sex - it’s an intimate act so of course emotions are involved (they’re involved in everything we do), I think it’s more about how you process and deal with them.
It definitely can work for some people though and I’ve had a number of successful FWB/FB’s (fxck buddies), some that have lasted years. I think the main thing is having clear boundaries for yourself in place, knowing what you want and what you need. For example, if it’s not a friend thing and just a FB then I try and keep all communication to just about that, not going on other date’s etc. If it is a friend thing too, then I compartmentalise it in my head and set clear boundaries for each. I also try and make them not too regular - I know that may sound silly but if for example you spend time with someone every day then the minute that stops it’s going to feel strange and like somethings missing, which can feel similar feelings to heartbreak. Something else I’ve realised as I’ve got older is that I am still worthy of respect in casual sex encounters, and I think this is something that often gets missed, even though it really is the bare minimum!
Have a think about what you really want and be kind to yourself
@Sophie01, it does seem like all guys your age just want to have sex and have fun but there are some that aren’t like that. I met my now husband when we were both 18 at uni.
There’s nothing wrong with being attracted to older men who are a bit more mature and have their lives sorted (although they probably aren’t as sorted out as it seems!).
If it gives you more pain that pleasure, I suggest you re-assess if this is a good kind of relationship for you. Why do you choose a FWB relationship over a different kind?
I know others @Yes_man and @PleasureDrone have already mentioned more about this so I’ll stop.
) a job, their own place, etc.