Children won’t accept partner

Hope this doesn’t sound too harsh, but it’s your house so your rules. The 24 year old has already left the house so they don’t get an opinion, 21 year old is there part time so can find somewhere else to go if they aren’t happy. Same apples to the 17 year old really. And the 14 year old is still a child so really shouldn’t get a say and certainly shouldn’t be verbally abusing you and dictating how you live your life.

Sounds like you have found happiness with your new partner after a long time trapped in a loveless marriage, and you deserve to be happy. If you choose your children over this relationship, who knows if or when you will find happiness again?

Also coming home to such a reaction after the weekend, I wonder if your ex could be stirring the pot a bit, or could one of the other children be influencing the others?

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…and if they won’t co-operate with the “sit down chat” idea, I’d write them all a letter - one copy each - in which you lay out just how unreasonable, immature and hurtful their behaviour is, remind the younger pair whose roof they’re living under/food they’re eating etc., and assert that, as a divorced/separated adult it’s YOUR LIFE, your choice of partner and if they’re unwilling to bend their minds to accommodate that reality, the very least they can do is SHUT THE FUCK UP.

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Well said! :+1:

Adding to @PleasureDrone letter idea also add that in future you intend to vet all of
their friends and will be stopping them from associating with anyone who you disapprove of for any reason you decide.See how they like that.

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Nice idea!

I think you need to be careful, yes it is your life and yes they should have more respect for your needs but do you want confrontation that could not just harm but destroy the relationships with your daughters? Are you prepared to have them leave your life forever because that is the risk?

I sympathise with your present pain but try not let it lead to a future of more pain and try to find an opening for dialogue and empathy rather than confrontation.

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It’s tough to be empathetic in a vacuum though. If they’re not engaging with you in a mature manner (which at least half of them should be) then all of that empathy will get hoovered up into their selfishness.

It sounds like the OP has already made plenty of allowances, and the daughters are still coming up with tenuous reasons why they should have more say. They don’t seem to be offering advice based on what’s best for their mum, but on what’s best for them. And this situation really isn’t about them. :man_shrugging:

I don’t think confrontation should be the first port of call, but if they’re not budging then it’s hard to see how to avoid it?

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That is the issue @Ian_Chimp they seem to have drawn their line in the sand and will not budge. I also have reason to believe that they are coming to the house when I have gone away on the weekend. Maybe they’re using my relationship as a reason to keep me away. When I came home yesterday, there were 2glassesin my bedroom, an empty pack of chocolate fingers and a tennis racket on my bed. I’ve ordered a lockable door knob today, hope I can fit it. They would tell their dad they’re meeting friends, but could well be here for some time too.

I’ve arranged to meet their dad tonight to discuss things as it can’t go on. My mental health is extremely low at the moment, and I’m worried about myself if it continues.

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You have fought breast cancer and won, you are a strong person, don’t let them beat you. Good that you’re having a discussion with your ex, is it an amicable split with him? Are you sure he’s not pulling the strings from behind the scenes?
If the kids are coming back at weekends and purposely leaving evidence, they’re obviously trying to bait you.
I think @Onlyones idea of you suggesting vetting THEIR friends, might get them to see the ridiculousness of their childish behaviour, and see things from your point of view.
If your mental health and happiness of your new relationship is suffering, you need to nip this in the bud now. You are the parent, the kids need to start respecting you.

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It has its ups and downs with the ex, but I want to believe he wouldn’t manipulate them. I’d say he’s far to passive to influence them, and isn’t a talker and has always been the sort to brush things under the carpet, if it’s not talked about, it’s not happening kind of thing. He was happy to stay in a loveless marriage, after a serious illness I started to reevaluate my life and it’s changes things. I couldn’t do it anymore so in effect the split as my choice.

I need to make a list of the things I want to get across to him because I am an emotional person and tend to get upset easily.

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The difficulty you will have is that if you’ve hidden the degradation of your marriage from your kids, they just think everything was fine and don’t understand the need to move on.

I’ve seen friends splitting up when the kid at home, witness to the death of the relationship, accepted it all, and the other away at uni didn’t at all and gave the departing parent a very hard time.

My cousin was married to a woman whose 2 daughters, over 15 years, never fully accepted him, and I’m pretty sure that precipitated the end of their relationship in the end.

It’s all very hard, and somewhat irrational and selfish from them, but kids just want their parents together, and will loathe what gets in the way. Even if the parents’ relationship is obviously over, toxic, and often detrimental to the kids well being.

Best of luck with your situation.

I’d better add that some new relationship have created some amazing step parents/step kid relationship too, even if the kids are teenagers or adults.

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Yes, as suggested maybe write a list for him, and for the kids, with the points you want to make, so you don’t forget them in the heat of the moment. Above all, the kids need to know that you won’t let them control your personal life. Good luck!

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Tell them you’re going out, but then stay at home for the weekend. :+1::slightly_smiling_face:

They are quite old though, so it’s not like you can shuft them off to their dad’s and expect them to stay put. It’d be better if you could all manage your schedules so you all had a bit of private time.

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I agreee there, I have no issue with them coming and going on a weekend if/when we’ve been here. They say they won’t because he is here and then complain that they haven’t got all their gadgets. When I’ve asked them to make sure they have everything they say they can’t think of things for the whole weekend. It just goes round in circles. I’ve tried to change my bedroom door handle so of course they asked why, I said I wasn’t happy with people coming in my room when I’m not here. They tone they speak in is sneering and ridiculing though. When I said about food being eaten in here whilst I was away, the youngest replied sarcastically, “maybe you ate them and just forgot”. We all know that isn’t the case. I just can’t live like this anymore, I feel so trapped.

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Teenagers can be sarcastic and gobby. I’m not sure how you can get them to behave? Maybe threatening to lock their precious gadgets away until they show you some respect and agree to accept that you aren’t going to dump your new chap whatever immature tactics they use.

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Hi @Rhilee
This might sound stark, but they need to learn and learn fast.
You are their mum and love them unconditionally, that will never change. However , you have a life and intend to live it.
Your partner will come to your house and if they are there , they can like it or lump it.
Tell them as they grow up, you can’t control their lives and equally, they can not control yours.
A bit of mutual respect is demanded and they need to be told in no uncertain terms.
If they thought he was not good for you, they could say so in a constructive fashion, but as this doesn’t sound like it is the case, you need to be firm with them and not be their emotional punch bag.
It will not be easy, but once you lay it down you should get through to them…they will not want to loose their mum, because they need their mum , quite simple.

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Hi @Rhilee, I don’t have any experience in dealing with your particular problem but if your mental health is low and you are worried, you should probably talk to someone about it. You could try your GP or an organisation like Relate would be able to offer counselling to help you and your family work through this.

Sorry you’re going through this, I hope things improve soon. Don’t throw away what you have with your new partner, it’s making you happy and your children need to learn that your happiness matters too. x

Maybe a therapist could help with this situation. You could have a session with everyone involved & the therapist being neutral could keep the tone of the session civil & hopefully get everyone’s true feelings of what their concerns are. I believe a good calm discussion among all involved will help shed some light on all the negative & possibly bring out something positive . The kid’s need to understand that you deserve to be happy as well & i hope their dad is supportive or that could be the problem. If he’s using the kid’s to make you feel bad then a good therapist could really help with that situation. Sometimes you have to think of what’s best for your well being. Best of luck & i wish you true happiness.

Hi there @Rhilee i really feel for you and your situation. I can understand how stressful and emotional a time it is. There is lots of good advice here from the great guys in the community who are here to help and offer support and love to you - please dont forget you are never alone x
Its seems that your kids need to understand that you are your own person and not just their mum and they need to see life from your perspective a little.
Your relationship with our Ex and your new partner appears to be good and healthy and you should not lose this.
Have you considered family counselling using your local relate service ? They do offer relationship support for families in this situation,. If your kids would be open to meeting with them as a family this may be the first step in them understand your needs more ? As a starter it should allow everyone to speak openly about their feelings and issues with the current situation
I hope this helps ? I wish you the best of luck
Take care PB x

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Tough situation @Rhilee for sure. Remember that your choices will affect the kids for years to come. Although I agree that you get to be the boss, having parents split is a big rupture in the trust in the family and the girls are likely scrambling for some stability.

Sometimes selfishness doesn’t appear damaging, and balance is needed sometimes to do what is best for you, however, remember this when your girls are going through the same thing one day and you don’t approve of their choices. It’s tough when the shoe is on the other foot, but perhaps giving your new OH a bit of a break may be an option. If he truly loves you, he will understand. At the same time, remember that the door of the heart opens from the inside, not the outside. It doesn’t have a handle so anyone can just walk in, they have to let him in. So tears, fighting, or persuasion will not be effective until they want to make that choice.
Be patient, don’t rush it, and keep them as friends. Social media affects their decision making at this age so you will have to cut through the stigma and the BS to get the truth. Make an ally, have her advocate for you and wait it out. If they truly love you back, they will want what is best for you.

And don’t go doing anything crazy. Those girls need you as their rock…you are their mom…!

Hang in there champ…

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