Children won’t accept partner

Off-Topic Chat
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While I agree with most of what @valbowski77 says, I respectfully disagree with this.

Your children (at least the teenage ones) dont need a friend, they need a mum. When they are grown up, then sure, the relationship will change, but right now, they need boundaries and structure. Otherwise, this kind of controlling behaviour may get worse, and permeate into their futures. ‘If I sulk and throw my toys out the pram, people who love me will back down and I will get my own way’ kind of mentality.

But yes, definitely try the nice calm talk first, but take it from a monster teen in my time, all the nice talks in the world didn’t work to think of others, I needed the law laid down.

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42

Hi @Rhilee, so sorry to read what you are going through, it sounds incredibly complicated and very difficult to deal with, especially with people that are closest to you in life.
From the children’s perspective it must be hard for them as what they have known and been bought up with was taken from them. If they feel they need to take their anger out on, your new partner seems the ‘easy option’, especially as Mum has moved on and Dad hasn’t.

Of course this is made far more difficult if they’re not able to talk at all with you about it, let alone what is really happening for them. That’s also going to perhaps add to the ‘you and them’ part that is maybe making you feel lonely and isolated.

It was mentioned a little earlier in the convo about the childrens Dad, and that it is unlikely he is pulling strings so to speak behind the scenes. Just wondered if you know how he feels about your current relationship?
If Dad is still ‘licking his wounds’ over the break up, perhaps that is gaining sympathy from the children, and although strings are not being pulled, they are trying to defend Dad. Dad will also have his pride and not want you to see him as being vulnerable maybe.
And of course, if new man is out the picture, Mum and Dad may just realize it’s all a big mistake.

I think there are many many things that could be driving their reactions, it certainly isn’t just that he is a smoker. They haven’t spent time with new man, so it’s not personal towards him.
He is seen as a threat simply because he is not Dad, and he extinguishes any chance of their idea of a happy ending perhaps (mum and dad together again) especially as Mum left the marriage as it were.

Getting to the bottom of what is driving their reaction will not be easy at all, but maybe a conversation with the ex-husband might help to give the lie of the land. If he is supportive of your new relationship, then perhaps a united front as parents towards the children in terms of putting boundaries in place etc., will be a lot easier. If he is not supportive, then at least it might be another piece in the puzzle.

Not sure if any of the above helps at all, but please take care of yourself. Maybe talking through in a therapeutic (counselling) sense might help, someone completely outside the situation. Talking it all through properly will help take a little power out of it and may provide a little more clarity for you around it all. Time can be a powerful healer, talking openly with someone about all that is going on might take pressure off yourself a little and be kind to yourself.

Really hope things settle down and improve for you, apols for maybe overtyping on my response

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44

Sorry to hear that @Rhilee, I hope your situation improves for you. Unfortunately I’ve experienced it from the other side, my few previous relationships had involved Ladies with Children from past relationships, none of them ended well, even now after many years in my current relationship I still feel like an outsider.

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Thank you again for all your advice, replies and just to know that I’m not alone. I spoke to their dad last night and he said he he agreed I should not change plans because of the children’s say so. He’s said he will speak to them while they’re with him this weekend, and reiterate that if they do come here on the weekend then they aren’t to be rude.

I do think counselling might help, I’m not sure the children would go, but I would definitely benefit from it as I’ve felt so so low this week and it’s scared me a lot.

I’m lucky my partner is so understanding, he’s said he’s prepared to wait as long as it takes and he’ll always be by my side.

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46

That’s great progress @Rhilee, I’m so pleased that your ex is willing to back you up. You can still do counselling on your own even if your children don’t want to go, i’ve found it very helpful in the past just to have someone non-judgemental to talk through things with. If you’re so low that it’s scared you then it’s worth talking to someone about it.

And this made me smile! Aw, so lovely :heart_eyes: :smiling_face_with_three_hearts:

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47

Silly question, can I just phone up my GP and request it, or are there other avenues I can try? Xx

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Lots of local mental health services will accept self referrals but you may well have a long wait for a space to be available. It will usually be much quicker to pay and see a private therapist. I found it doesn’t have to be fortunes and you much more control over your ‘treatment’

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Like @AmyA said, you can go through your GP but it will take a while. It’s not too expensive to find a private counsellor. Relate are a charity that specialise in relationship and family counselling, you can contact them directly but there may be a waiting list, it depends on your area. You still have to pay but you can get a subsidy towards the cost of sessions, basically, what you pay will be dependent on your earnings. Or can can find an independent counsellor through a counselling body such as BACP (Google BACP find a therapist). Make sure whoever you chose is registered with a regulatory body such as BACP or similar.

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Thank you so much, I’ll definitely sort that out very soon. Everyone says I have to toughen up and not let them walk over me. It’s hard if you’re not that sort of person. I do think that probably, this is the first time in their lives they’ve not had what they wanted, and they don’t know how to deal with it! That’s not to say they’ve led a privileged lifestyle by any means, they just had a fortunate childhood I guess!

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Same with my kids too x

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Sorry if it feels I’m keeping on. Daughter #3, the (nearly) 17 year old, is going out today for a friends birthday. Shopping food, bowling etc, so we were chatting about her day etc, and I casually said “have you got your things together so that one of your sisters can take them to dad’s for you” and she said she was going to come back later and do it. I reminded her that I wouldn’t be here alone, and then said, I know you don’t like the situation,but can we please just stop all the hostility and just agree to disagree. She didn’t reply, but I hope it’s given her food for thought. She’s in a good mood because she’s got a fun day out to look forward to, so who knows!

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53

Well done. I hope things start improving for you all. Take care , stay strong x

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This post is so nice to read!
All credit to your ex-husband, it is nice to see he is supporting you, and of course your current partner too.
One thing that may help, and not sure if I mentioned it before so apols if repeating, is perhaps both you and their Dad being there together to talk with them. It may sound a little difficult, but it would show a united front and may reassure them that Dads OK with things. They may feel they can open up around what’s actually troubling them more, and reassure them that both Mum and Dad can still be Mum and Dad in this new found world of theirs.

In terms of counselling I’d do it just for yourself initially, and I think it will help you gain a better perspective around things that are going on.

In terms of finding a counsellor, as mentioned by others, there’s several routes you can go. NHS you will find, especially at this time, a long waiting list. My area refer to TherapyForYou, and pre-covid was a 6 month wait time for 6 1 hour CBT sessions. I’m not sure if that would work so well for your needs.
Private counselling I would say the going rate for someone is around £40 a session. There are good counsellors without accreditation, but please do research around any therapist potentially going to see. Accreditation gives assurance around ethical practice, training, and placement hours being fulfilled and would give you most assurances.

Before taking any action outside your comfort zone (i.e. taking a tough line with kids that is out of your character), wait until you have a few sessions first, might just change your perspective on things.
Hope the progress continues, recent posts sound a lot more positive than the earlier ones, and that is amazing to see in itself. Keep strong, and keep talking to those supporting you!

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55

Loads of great advice and positivity to read here as expected from the LH crew!

One small thing might I suggest; would your partner consider stopping smoking to show that he wants to fit into the family plus he’ll gain from the many health and wealth advantages of not smoking? Champix in my personal opinion is the best option, with a willing mindset, and is available through the NHS with support.

Good luck

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He has mentioned it and I’ve said I’ll fully support him if that’s what he wants to do but I don’t want to pressurise him either xx

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I’m bringing this back up because today for reasons unknown to me, there has been a worrying development and I don’t know where to turn.

My partner and I were at my house this weekend, he left for work this morning, and 2 of my children (the 21 and 16 yr olds) who had been with their dad came home around lunchtime, the youngest (14) was out for the day shopping with friends.

I had to go out to do a few errands, and when I got home about 4 hours later, I discovered that 1 or both of them had been through my bedroom. They’d found a few toys that were hidden, we bought (as a silly bit of fun that isn’t exactly responsible) some viagra, that was left on the bed, along with the information leaflet that had been fully opened. They definitely wanted me to know that they’d found them. I had an Amazon package that I’d not opened (it was a silk chemise that my OH had bought me, that package had been opened and looked at. There is also a condom in a packet on my bedside table which is definitely not mine, we don’t use them!!!

This isn’t the first time they’ve done this, and I’ve taken to locking my bedroom door when I go away to my OH’s house on weekends, however I didn’t think I needed to for a few hours out.

I’m often ‘punished’ on a Monday after I’ve been with my OH for a weekend, but it’s usually more emotional than this.

They’ve stayed with their dad tonight as I am so upset and angry, I have no privacy. I am happy to accept they want nothing to do with my partner, but they have no right to do this. I said to my mother, if it was a partner doing all these things to me (and this has been going on for 2 years) I’d be told to get out, to leave, what do you do when it’s your kids though.

I am seriously struggling to stay here, I just don’t know what to do

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58

@Rhilee Oh my god, you must be fuming! This is a form of intimidation from your kids (although to be fair only the 16 year old is a child) The 21 year old is an adult and should know better.
None of them sound as if they show you any respect whatsoever. Honestly, you shouldn’t need to keep locking your stuff away in your own house!
If it were me, I’d give them a taste of their own medicine…have a bloody rummage around their bedrooms and private possessions when they’re out!
Have you spoken to their dad about this appalling behaviour? I’d ask for the door key back from the 21 year old, she doesn’t live there and I’d say she’s forfeited her right to just pop in and spend time nosing through your bedroom.
I’d really don’t know what else to say, other than I’m really angry on your behalf at this outrageous behaviour :hugs:

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@Rhilee what a rotten way to treat your privacy, I would not be impressed with them and their behaviour it’s a tough one to comment on with out being judgemental on what they have done ! I would say that they behaviour seems that they are aware of How you maybe embarrassed and degrading your privacy by them have done by going through your room and leaving your personnel possessions out this would lead me to think that are suggesting that by their actions they appear to making a statement of (“we will show her “) .I can only say that maybe others may have had this situation and can provide you with a more constructive way to resolve this, so sorry hun what a terrible thing for them to do to you and your privacy ! Sorry hun :kissing_heart:

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Thank you, I am so upset, and I did think of going through their room, but it’s just not me to be that sort of person. I did speak to their dad, he said he’d talk to them (obviously I didn’t tell him all that they found, just said”personal items”) but hhis ‘talks’ are often ineffective. I am at the point of telling them to go and live with their dad, and I know that is an awful thing for a mother to admit, but the intimidation I’m living with is unbearable.

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Frankly and I know that this might come across as horrible but if it were me I would tell them to go live with their dad! I wonder if this ultimatum might make them realise how upset their behaviour has made you… that you have no privacy and are unable to leave the house to go to the shops without locking your bedroom door!
Obviously their dads words cut no ice with them, sounds like he needs to get tougher but again, there’s not a lot you can do about that. I feel so sorry for you to be stuck with such a miserable situation.

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