Couples with very different sex drives - how do you overcome it?


Me and my partner are struggling at the moment as we both have a huge difference when it comes to our sex drive - I have a very high sex drive and am pretty much ready to hop on board any time, whereas for him I could strip off, hop onto him, get a little frisky and he'll respond by asking if we have any more chocolate left (literally just happened)...

I can’t help but get upset by this as it makes me feel like I cannot turn on my own partner or that he is not interested in me, and then I get moody because when I’ve not had sex which causes a problem between us. We speak about this fairly often as it happens a lot, but it doesn’t seem to be getting any better. I’m starting to think that maybe I somehow need to lower my sex drive or learn to deal with it a little better… I don’t know.

How do those of you in relationships with completely different sex drives deal with it?

Thank you! Xx

He loves me enough to accept the fact I have a low sex drive and just has a wank instead

I have toys and my crushes, Hubby has health iissues we love each other very much but I have accepted no sex now, he accepts I have my crush , we talked last year I said I was fed up off being a housekeeper, I am now very appreciated he gives me cuddles.

When I first got into a relationship with my partner my sex drive was really low I just spoke to him about it and we have a understanding sometimes I will be in the mood more often than others and sometimes I might not want anything for a while. It was tough on him at first as he didn't want to lose the spark so I make a effort to get in the mood by dressing up and I find that really helps. Have you tried getting him in the mood like candles, music, nice lingerie, massage? I don't feel like you should have to try and change your sex drive, people have different libidos and that's completely fine. If you think his is lower than it should be that could be due to a number of things, medication, stress, illness, body issues, performance anxiety etc. if it's any of those things you can try to work on them together as a couple but if he still wants sex an average amount of times then maybe the times he doesn't want it you'll just have to compromise and use a toy or something instead.

i hope you find a solution :) good luck x

mine is much higher than my partners. i agree it does suck sometimes, like Im more attracted to him than he is me. but its just how it is, i wouldn't want him to have sex just because i want it. i havve learned a few ways of turning him on on demand, ussually involving talking about threesomes. we've kind of turned it into a laughing matter, play fight over it and such, but for me it just makes it that much more exciting when i get sex, especially when i havent had to spend all day working towards it! I also have times where even if I'm not in the mood, if he wants sex I'll hae it just because i dont know when I'll get it again lol! we have sex 1-2 times a week, I'd prefer it to be 3-4 and he'd prefer it to be 0.5-1 but hey, relationships are all about compromise :)

My sex drive is through the roof, hubby's isn't - he's too tired and stressed from work so doesn't want it as much as me.

I'd be happy to have sex several times a day. But we tend to compromise and have sex 3-4 times a week. And I will see to myself in the daytime whilst he is at work as to not make him feel bad when he gets home and is too tired for it.

Plus having 2 little ones (a baby in our room within that) makes it a lot harder, so it's as and when we can and he's not too tired. I've come to accept that he's not rejecting me when he says no but his body physically is too tired to whereas I'm always in the mood lol

Very interesting topic and probably affects more couples than we realise. I have always been in the same situatonin my relationships - so will be following this with interest

My OH is older than me and his sex drive is much lower than mine. We do have great times, usually weekends away and holidays, but a lot of the time I play solo.

i had a similar embarrassing moment a couple of years ago. I got out of the bath, OH got in. I put on my stilettos my frilly thong and my half cup frilly bra. When he was getting out of the bath I went in with the total in hand "would you like me to dry your legs?" (Bending over) He takes the towel off me " no I can manage". Not great but I have not given up. He was so in for a great blowjob and then wild sex but he was not in the mood. We went out for dinner that evening and I made him finger me under the able, that really got him going.

Patience understanding and determinations are needed, and lots of solo masterbating. My OH isn't bothered about toys will not look for new ones, but he really enjoys using them when I buy them.

i sympathise but make sure you enjoy yourself and don't push him, I have found th emote I push the less I get. You have to make him want you.

I find it quite difficult. My wife's drive is way lower than mine. I could have sex every day but we end up having sex about once a week, probably. What makes it harder for me is the fact that I've had girlfriends with very high sex drives so I end up comparing it to that. It can be very very hard. As the poster above says, talking about sex only goes so far. The only way to getting more sex is to to look different or look better. I know from experience that when I work out more and get muscly my wife finds it very attractive.

Change something about yourself for the better and see what happens. However, this is still a short-term solution. Really the only solution is psychological. If your partner has a low drive there is not that much you can do long-term but work out a way to accept it, masturbate when you can, and do your best to look good for him and yourself.

Thank you all for your replies!

To be honest I do think it was just bad timing. There had been three occasions all in a row where my partner wasn't in the mood, therefore started to feel a bit like rejection. But usually I am able to deal with the difference in sex drives as I am well equipped with my lovely toys!

Natand Tom – I do agree, I shouldn’t have to change my sex drive. Think I was just feeling a little down about it all. We have spoken about his low libido previously as we thought it may have been to do a possible low testosterone as that can have an effect on a males sex drive. However, he never decided to go to the doctors about it as he doesn’t with any other medical problem!

Young and fun95 – That is true, I’d hate to find out that my partner had sex with me purely because he felt like he had to, would probably feel worse if that happened actually! Ahaa, yes, after failed attempts and then the surprise of actually getting somewhere does make it so much more exciting as it’s not always guaranteed to happen and then suddenly it does.

Jessicaleon11 – ‘My sex drive is through the roof, hubby's isn't - he's too tired and stressed from work so doesn't want it as much as me.’
I’d say that’s exactly how it is with me and my partner. If it wasn’t for his long commute to work and long hours, we’d defiantly be having more sex!

Fun Louise – Yes, that is true. I’ve noticed that the more I push the less I get as well.

Yield – Can’t really say I agree with this, I’m afraid. I don’t feel like changing my appearance is the way forwards as I know that’s not an issue and even if it was, I’m not the kind of person to change who I am to suit someone else. I used to do that sort of thing when I was younger and that just caused me to have serious confidence issues and not understanding who I really was…

Hi TMT. Your not alone it very common. It is usualy the other way around and the guy that has the higher sex drive but as this forum is on a sex toy sight more women are able to air this issue.

I feel for you very much its very upsetting for a woman to be rejected. You want to feel sexy and desired . When offer or initiate and it is rebuffed it must be very deflating.

I have and have always had a huge sex drive and my OH can feel crushed by this but over the years their is only one answer COMMUNICATION. you must keep talking and dont take it personally. Its not you its his lower sex drive.

LH Is here to help invest in some good toys and some diy. Even use them infront him it could do the trick .

Good luck

I've got a much higher sex drive than my partner too, there are times where it feels like he'd much rather scroll through his phone than have sex with me.... I have three kids, two of which are teenagers so it's quite difficult to have spontaneous sex, it's more a case of Windows of opportunity ( which are frequently missed! )

He suffers with PE too and despite saying that he'd seek help with that its never really been discussed again, I've tried buying delay creams, cock rings etc, he doesn't seem interested in giving them a fair try. Whilst I am a reasonably patient and understanding person I'm also as frustrated as hell I cannot remember the last time I had a orgasm it was that long ago! We average sex about once a week and sadly it's just that too average!! Would've loved to have been some help to you TMT, but, sadly in the same boat! Xx

Well we were the other way round for a lengthy amount of years. He was like an octopus and on heat! I never wanted it because of illness and side affects from meds.

Now we've switched since I've manged to dump a lot of my meds. He's always tired, he's now not well and all I hear is " not again "

But I have my toys and I'll give him his due, he does usually try most nights to attend to my needs.

I can understand your frustration, but I'm sure he loves you dearly and does find you red hot, it's just a case of catching "him" in the mood which isn't easy. It's great that you are trying to keep him interested and I'm sure it's because of life's fast pace and he's just feeling tired.

No! you don't need to lower your sex drive (if that's possible), you just need to use your toys and enjoy yourself when he's not up for it more. Maybe from a bloke's point of view off the cuff might be " is he mad"" xx

We have different drives to. I think DH would like it a few times but sadly I'm an all or nothing kinda girl due to illness/meds

We can go for months without then I want it constantly. Horny as hell ATM but I've injured DH so nothing happening for the next couple of days by which time I might have gone off the boil 😞

Our sex drive are different . My Mrs being more of a medium sex drive and mine bering very low at this time of he year. My randy rabbit season tends to run from Vlaentines day ( odd i know) to the end of May.

It does mean that for most of the year we don't have sex often but when we do its usually all night long . I suppose you could say its quality over quantity . In between we still cuddle and kiss which I think is very important . You can tell when the Mrs wants sex as she starts teasing and will come down wearing an outfit, the college girl being the favourite and holding the riding crop or drop dead gorgous lingerie . I will never turn those type of offers down !

Can say the OH sexdrive is non existant but it is lower than mine. I just have a wank most days seems to deal with it. If i had my way i would have it twice a day but the OH can go days without.

We seem to peak at different times of the month. My OH is particularly rampant just before and during her period. I'm not so sure about me, depends on what I have been 'researching' online.

Where we differ is how much my OH needs during a session. I am the stereotypical once a nighter so prolong it with lots of foreplay, oral and things that mean I don't get too much attention downstairs. Even then though she will want more 5/10 mins after and I am just unable to continue.

We found the perfect solution at a sex club but I know that's not for everyone.

Twice a day hey!? I would like it at 6 to 7 right now, and even then I wouldn't be satisfied!!! Madness!!

Sounds like you need to visit a club too ;-) ha ha

Mm perhaps! ;)