Dating after divorce

So split with wife of 23 years back in march

And i feel like a dinosaur out here

Have a high sex drive and its drier than dessert over here

Think i to old school for now adays

Spoke with 4 women nothing come of any of it

Where am i going wrong

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Just take time and be honest about yourself- but don’t talk about your ex partner

Always wear clean clothes and smell good … a clean shave always works as well :ok_hand:

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It’s difficult to say where you are going wrong as there is not alot of detail about what you are doing. It’s also more likely that you are doing nothing wrong as dating can be difficult.

So I (Mr K) was in a 13 year relationship when I split with my wife and Mrs C was in a 15 year relationship when she split with her husband.

We met on Tinder (roughly 4 months after we both separated) but I am by no means suggesting you do the same. Online dating as a man can easily make you feel unwanted as there are considerably more men than women so the odds are against you. We are ofcourse proof that it is not impossible to find someone, although our relationship was an accident as we were just meant to be each others fling after marriage and we caught feelings.

I don’t know how you are trying to meet women but might I suggest a hobby group of some sort. Sometimes you meet people without even trying. Do something you enjoy and maybe someone else there may catch your eye and you both have the hobby as a starting point. (If I became single again I would be going to dancing classes)

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It’s hard to say what you are doing wrong when you haven’t actually given any details so what you have done.

However, if you are using dating apps/sites, make sure you are on an appropriate one. Some are more aimed at long term relationships whereas others are more aimed at hook ups. Make sure you are using the right one for what you want. Likewise, some are aimed at certain demographics (kink, non monogamy, arrangement based etc), if you aren’t who the site is aimed at, you won’t get very far.

Beyond that, have a well written, honest profile. Avoid group photos unless you blur other faces/can make it clear who you are, try and go with more candid photos unless you can genuinely take a decent selfie, avoid negativity (complaining about how many replies you get, asking if anyone is real etc), and be realistic. Not every conversation is going to lead to anything but try to approach it with enthusiasm to chat to someone new

You haven’t said how old you are or if you are using dating apps, as with everything it takes time, I’m still a firm believer in dating the natural way without dating apps, but I understand that the younger generation would prefer dating apps.

The old fashioned way you can strike up conversations and just talk chat without feeling it’s all of a bit of a rat race, instantly you know what’s what especially if you are chatting to people with the same interests than you.

I separated from my wife of 23 years, and tried the usual dating scene, and it was horrible. Of course this was a long time ago, so things have changed. I did eventually meet my now-wife on a dating site, quite by chance actually. But as others may have mentioned, if you have hobbies, or interests, get involved with them. Take a cooking class, yoga, go to the gym, anything that gets you out with people who have similar interests. Being relaxed and enjoying yourself can make you more attractive to others. Dating sites can be a minefield of people misrepresenting themselves, so beware if you go that route. And don’t disclose things like your financial status, that can be an attraction for people who prey on affluent individuals to steal their money, or are looking for a sugar daddy and not a real connection.

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As my screen name implies , I am older . After my first wife and I got divorced many years ago ( before dating apps ) I did the bar - dance route which never got me anywhere except some one night stands . I am the person that can go anywhere and talk to anybody . In the US that is pretty common , I understand in much of Europe it is not . As others said , become active in hobbies you really have an interest in . The most common place to get hit on is the grocery store for me . Mostly , just get out and about and present the best you . My gift of gab and trying to make people smile and laugh seems to make people relaxed . I read people pretty well and instinctively know how to talk to most people . I also meet many new people while out riding one of my motorcycles . Good luck in your search !

I’d say your not doing much wrong as modern dating is horrible and very hard on many levels… it’s just something you’ll have to keep plugging at and adapt as you go

I have a few single female friends, who are genuinely pretty hot and aren’t crazy cat ladies / have loads of baggage..i.e they’re pretty dateable. They’re just women who got married, had a kid or two but picked the wrong guy (two got cheated on) and it ended up going south.

For some weird reason I am seen (much to my wife’s amusement) as the guy in the friend group whose opinion they value on dating (god knows why because it’s 25 years since I last went on a first date), so they talk to me about it and ask my advice.

From what I can gather there are a few key factors from a female point of view:

Grooming and hygiene. Get some female input if you have to, but smell good, cut and brush your hair, dress half decently and just don’t a slob. Be honest here - we (men) ALL fall short now and then (quite a lot). They’ve ALL got stories of guys that smell, had holes in their jumper, dirty shoes, etc. The kind of dumb stuff we all do now and then (I actually went out today with my t shirt on inside out and only noticed when I got to the gym), but you CANNOT do it on a first date. Up your game.

Conversation: No daydreaming. When you’re there, be there. Listen to what she’s saying and respond with interest. Many women love to talk about themselves (sorry ladies it’s true) so letting them do so is key. That’s why they all like “a good listener”. If you have anything half way intelligent to offer her on her interests then you’re half way there.

No staring at tits.

Hobbies are good… but there are things that many women do find a bit of a turn off. In my experience things that women have said they liked about me were my interests in reading, photography (ex professional so lots of cool stories to tell), and my love of dogs. I’m very well travelled, speak a couple of languages and reasonably cultured (apparently). When I lived briefly in the USA the English accent REALLY helped! Interests that I tend to downplay include model trains, guns and fishing. Perfectly legitimate things to enjoy but not typically things women find hot.

Talking about yourself… think it through before the words leave you mouth. You’re divorced, that’ll be a red flag straight off the bat. Explain it if it comes up, but minimise it. " We were together xxx but it just stopped working" or something like that. Don’t go on about her, don’t compare the two of them, don’t show any bitterness or resentment. They won’t like it if you’re not over it. March isn’t that long ago following the end of a 23 year marriage to be fair. Honestly if I were dating and met a woman who was that recently split, i’d be extremely cautious too. Uppermost in their mind is going to be that you’re probably just out looking for a rebound shag.

On the same kind of train of thought… they can smell desperation and your post has more than a whiff (understandably in the situation you find yourself in). I’d consider taking some time off, doing some stuff for yourself and taking stock. 23 years is a long time and honestly you could probably do with figuring yourself out again before trying to date.

When I was dating that was always the thing that weirdly worked for me, when I stopped looking, stopped caring and stopped trying, the women always seemed to come to me. I had a real rough breakup one time. I was cut up for a good couple of months then just decided one day that I didn’t care (and I genuinely didn’t , I wasn’t just kidding myself) , I went off to the gym that afternoon and in walks my future wife. A few hours later after an inpromptu date we are back at hers and I’m staying over. 27 years ago!

Find yourself and your confidence again. The rest will follow.