Dealing with the menopause

After having a very active and very varied sexlife, a lot I’ve spoke about on here, our sexlife has gone from 2 to 3 times a week or more to once a month if I’m lucky and then it’s just slightly kinkier than vanilla, my OH is going through the menopause, at the moment she’ll go 3 months between periods, her sex drive has completely gone and during that time if she could go with sex I believe she would and I feel when we do have sex its because she feels she has to and not because she wants to!
This is where it gets difficult because from a mans POV It’s very difficult to deal with as my need for sex and my sex drive didnt just stop when hers did and as our sexlife was so active and kinky for me it’s made it’s even more difficult,
Then there’s the stigma of being selfish because when you want to talk about it your deamed of only thinking of yourself when you say about it being hard to deal with and you should understand what your OH is going through.
Believe me I do understand whats going on and why, to the point I don’t even try to suggest sex anymore and I wait till my OH wants too, I feel for her this saves the feeling of having to perform when she doesnt want too and also dissapointing me when she says no and for me it’s saves the feeling of rejection as thats how it was beginning to feel at first.
There’s no way my OH can’t know that this is putting a strain on us but she just won’t talk about it, she’ll talk about her menopausal situation and whats going on but I feel for her then that negates the need to talk about our lack of sexlife.
We are still very happily married and get on better than ever, but at the moment it’s more like a very good best friends relationship than a sexual relationship.
What has others experience with menopause been, be interested to hear from both women and mens POV to see whether I am being selfish or not.
Thanks all :heart:

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Not a good time in an ladies life, something that may happen shortly in our household…
Something we have to live with / support our oh’s

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Hi @Yes_man
Myself and my husband have been through something similar but not due to the menopause.
What do I wish we had done?
Talk.
Get it all out there.
Though I am nearly at that peri menopausal stage I am prepared with the Balance app.
I can highly recommend Balance app or just Google Dr Louise Newson.
Really useful app for your other half - as well as her GP.
You may want to search the Davina McCall tv programme Sex,Myths and the menopause.Think she may have done a podcast as well?
There is an extremely handy guide for men on Balance which will no doubt be a god send for you both.
Be patient,listen and talk :heart_hands: You are being so supportive just by asking on here.x

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Loving the support for those going through another big change in life.
Not easy going but we hugely appreciate it :heart_hands:

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My oh going through similar situation & am there for support & understanding chats, at the end of the day I’m here for her not just the sex, which was great but she feels bad cause nothing happening but its a natural frustation so just understand it all

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Nothing really prepares you for the menopause. I thought I knew it all. (I didn’t)
I’ve had periods of both intense sex drive and periods of completely zero libido during menopause.
As well as the randomized-libido thing, there’s musculoskeletal pain, fatigue, weight gain, brain fog and emotional turmoil - grief, certainly, and so much anger. Remember how much ‘fun’ puberty was? Imagine being dragged through it all again - this time backwards and upside down. I understood my premenopausal body pretty well. However, menopause ripped up the Haines manual and threw it away. Everything is different now; I have to eat differently, exercise differently, work differently. The old rules no longer apply, and I don’t yet know what the new rules are. I’m still figuring them out.

A few things that help:

  • Lots of cuddling, affectionate touching and massage. Please know that this still might not lead to actual sex, but it has a chance of igniting at least some interest (if things aren’t too bad). However, during my worst phases, I could not stand to be touched at all

  • Be prepared for foreplay to take much longer than the old normal (and might replace the main event)

  • Lube really, really helps!!

  • Getting enough sleep. This is much harder than it sounds when one is being woken up 2-3 times every hour throughout the night by hot flushes, which are pure misery. Don’t underestimate how awful these are. They don’t sound too terrible do they? Trust me, they are.

  • When your sex drive is out of sync with your partner’s, invest in plenty of solo time so you aren’t too pushy/frustrated with them

  • keep talking to each other. Menopause can last 10 years, but the symptoms vary hugely during this time - even the worst patches will pass

Stay positive!

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Shouldn’t laugh but its the way you put it… :joy:

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Defo not being selfish at all dude as a relationship is of 2 halves and although during this phase it’s good to be understanding and respectful of what she’s going through, also have to lend hand to what you are going through too as it effects both like you said.

Thankfully I’ve heard some women regain their sex drive again at some point in this phase and go back to a happy sex life so do keep strong and try to preserve with her through it.

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This topic is bang-on for us right now.

Mrs MileHi is on a chemically-induced menopause in her mid 30s and will probably be getting a hysterectomy in the next few months. Her libido has completely collapsed and we have had sex about 3 or 4 times this year. Not to mention the exhaustion, brain fog, weight gain causing massive loss in confidence (despite me thinking she looks sexier than ever) etc.

Its hard but I’m just trying to support her any way I can. The lack of intimacy is really taking its toll however we are trying to make an effort.

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