Hi I have been buying from this site for a couple of years now, I have decided to join the forum as I am in desperate need for some help. I am a male, and I am married to a wonderful lady, we are happy in every way but one, you guessed it; in the bedroom. When we started dating the sex was amazing we would have sex 2 or 3 times a day, now I'm not stupid, I know that eventually this would die down but not to the extent it has. We have been married for 6 years but our problems in the bedroom have probably been going on for 7 years. I have tried everything, new ideas, getting fitter, buying her toys and sexy underwear, I've bought books, DVDs, brought her away for romantic weekends I've even suggested bringing someone else into the bedroom to see if that would excite her, but she said no. I've talked to her about it so many times I've lost count, she always agrees that it's not healthy and agrees to change but never does. At one stage I suggested 10 new things we had to try in the bedroom she agreed to do it. However she didn't come up with one idea, not one, in fact she admitted that she didn't even try to think of any, and that she had no fantasies so what was the point. Problems we have; She won't change position, it's always missionary no matter how many times I try to change it. I have not had oral sex in over two years, even though she has had it on a more regular basis. Sex is always in the bedroom and in the same position. She never dresses up. We only have sex once a month, if I am lucky. It's always me that initiates it. It's so mundane. Plus much much more. I know I may sound like a spoilt brat but I'm at the end of the road, I have ran out of ideas, we need help but she refuses to seek it. The most frustrating thing is she enjoys sex so much when we do have it, her wild side comes out again which fills me with hope, unfortunately the next morning it's back to normality. I need help, so if anyone out there has any advice I'd greatly appreciate it.
Hello innis and welcome to the forum.
Firstly you're not alone many people have posted aboy this sort of problem men and women, married or unmarried, kids and no kids.
Secondly us women are complicated (I hold my hands up). When it comes to sex generally women have to be in the mood, where as men just have to be in the room.
Most women especially if they are in a long term relationship and have children go through peaks and troughs with their sex drive and libido. This can be due to hormonal changes, age, stress levels, tirdness, self esteem, berievement, confidence, Change in weight or body shape and health problems and many more. Any of these ringing any bells?
The most important thing is to not put pressure on her to perform sexually. Lay off the nagging a bit about new ideas, a sexual bucket list or new toys. Just talk to her about normal stuff, let her know how much you love her and appreciate her in other ways. Also ask her what she would like and what you can do to make her feel happy and good about herself.
Good luck. :-)
Hi mrs average.
Thanks for your feedback, in all honesty I went for 3 months without putting pressure on her, we would cuddle at night go out for meals, I even turned Friday night into date night. I would constantly complement her on her appearance In those 3 months we didnt have sex once, not even a suggestion of it.
The worst thing is, strange things start running through my head. Is she having an affair, does she not find me attractive anymore, am I useless in bed. I'm starting to feel depressed about it, it's not healthy.
Hi innis. Why don't you just ask her why she does not want to have sex?
I feel your pain. Women certainly are a different breed. It feels like you can't win for trying and if you didn't try then nothing at all would happen. Looks to me that you are doing everything you can. It would be great if women could free their mind. Does she prefer sex to be like in movies, full of passion and love?
I have lollipop, if only it was that simple lol.
She says she's doesn't know, I think she knows there is a problem but just won't admit it. It's so frustrating.
Stuburns wrote:
I feel your pain. Women certainly are a different breed. It feels like you can't win for trying and if you didn't try then nothing at all would happen. Looks to me that you are doing everything you can. It would be great if women could free their mind. Does she prefer sex to be like in movies, full of passion and love?
no, when we do have sex she is very rough, back scraping etc, my back bleeds sometimes.
She used to be very kinky, sex outside, in the shower, tied up, spanking etc but those days are gone unfortunately
It sounds like to me you've exhausted all options. Maybe try a but of reverse psychology? Sit her down and say to her that sex is really important to you, you love having sex with her because it makes you feel close to her, it helps you show each other how much you love one another. Tell her it's affecting you mentally, and you feel self-conscious and depressed, and then tell her that you can deal with all of that because of how much you love her. Tell her that you're not even going to think about having sex with her, and you're going to leave it all up to her. She might just need some understanding, don't get me wrong, you sound like a very understanding person, but women need to see things with their own eyes. You buying her toys and things is a love idea, but she will take it as you pressuring her. You need to take a huge step back, let her be in control, and leave it as that for maybe a month. Then if you still have problems, tell her that you've gave her time to come around, and suggest that you go and see a marriage counsellor. It sounds like to me this is your only option at the moment, but others may have better ideas.
I sincerely hope that things get better for you. Good luck :)
If you've been 'working on it' for so many years, I'd say it's unlikely you will get anywhere. This deal looks pretty much done, and I think wrapping it up and moving on is preferable to a life in misery and/or unfulfillment. Sullen dames tend to stay sullen and negative energy tends to accumulate. Is it worth spending the rest of your life bouncing around a stone totem? Have you asked yourself this question? Been once in a similar situation, and since then I've learned that surgical solutions work best, even if emotions tend to hinder execution to some extent. Though I doubt this is the kind of advice you're looking for.
Although I agree a little with repliquant a little the heart wants what it wants. Leaving could hurt and leave a huge scar for the rest of your life. But sex is a big part of a relationship and efforts ofcourse should be made on both sides. You certainly need to have the talk about it threatening the existence of the relationship. I for one couldn't live in a sexless relationship even if love is there.
Have you disccussed the option of marriage councelling? I know people have mixed and preconcieved ideas and feelings about it but if you can get a reccomendation from someone it can be really helpful.
Me and Mr average have had councelling during a difficult time in our marriage. We also had very supportive friends who were very discrete and confidential. The whole thing was very succesfull but it had to be worked at and we had bits of "homework" to do between sessions, and I did mean being completely honest and open with each other. However once you've done that you can do and get through anything as you become equiped with skills and knowlege to deal with other areas of marriage and family life.
After seven years, I think that you're well within your rights to say 'I've had enough,' and tell her this. You say that she's being saying she'll change for a long time now, and never has - unfortunately now's the time for having a proper sit down chat and telling her how much of a negative impact this is having on your life. Forget all of this stuff about stepping back and leaving her alone - you've been going through this for long enough, and are completely within your rights to demand an explanation.
I fully agree with repliquant above - this may not be what you want to hear. But seriously, you have to be looking out for youself as well as for her, and this is something that needs sorting out as soon as possible. I think that you two need to have a long and serious chat about the importance of sex in your marriage, and what you are going to do for the future.
My OH is a psychotherapist, and after taking a look at this thread, she believes some couple's counselling might be necessary here: there's a reason that she's stopped having sex, and you say yourself that you've become depressed over it, so there's definitely some issues between the two of you. As mrs average has said, counselling does help marriages - however, it can also be the thing that ultimately brings couples to decide on a seperation. So just beware of this if you're thinking of going this route. It's certainly a recommendation of ours, but one with this caveat.
Best of luck anyways, I hope you two can get on the road to sorting this out!
Thanks for all the advice, I'll do a bit of research on counselling, and talk to her about it.
The last thing I want to do is leave her, but I understand that this has to be an option. What makes things worse is that I have a very high sex drive and obviously hers is low. Fingers crossed.
I have to agree with the above, it may not be what you want to hear, but it may be the end of the road for the realtionship, it's hard I know! I've been through it. I would suggest theropy first and see how that goes down.
I know you love her, and you more than likely don't want to leave, but you also have to think of the emotional damage it's doing to you. As I've said I've been through it, my ex just didn't want sex, I had to iniate it, and sometimes he just didn't respond to that, I did the talking and he agree'd much like your wife is doing and promised to change, but never did. Eventually I had to say enough was enough and walk away. It was extremly hard, but necessary. The damage had already been done to my confidence, I felt unnattractive, depressed and was so emotionally drained by it. several years later with my new OH things have very much improved but it took him a long time to help reverse the psycological damage that was done.
I wish you all the luck, and do hope you sort things out. If not I do hope you'll consider hard about what you yourself want before you end up in the state I was about my self image.
innis wrote:
Hi mrs average.
Thanks for your feedback, in all honesty I went for 3 months without putting pressure on her, we would cuddle at night go out for meals, I even turned Friday night into date night. I would constantly complement her on her appearance In those 3 months we didnt have sex once, not even a suggestion of it.
The worst thing is, strange things start running through my head. Is she having an affair, does she not find me attractive anymore, am I useless in bed. I'm starting to feel depressed about it, it's not healthy.
I am so sorry you feel like this. It sounds like a horrible situation you've been put in.
The first thing I’ll say is well done for trying, so many people would have given up. You’ve introduced loads of new idea’s and it’s a shame she hasn’t responded.
She may not know why she doesn't want sex. Loads of things affect our libido without even noticing it like Mrs Average said. It’s just really difficult that she is unwilling to talk about it.
Because you’ve tried a lot already I think marriage counselling sounds like a good option. I agree with MrsAverage; it has a lot of preconceptions about it but please don’t listen to anyone who tells you it’s a bad idea. It’s a great option for you and there are loads of brilliant councillors out there (like my sister!). Make sure you go and see someone registered, and there are councillors who are also registered as psychosexual therapists too who might be able to help your wife pin down why she doesn’t want sex and address the issue with CBT or an alternative form of talking therapy.
At first you don’t need to go together. You could always go on your own and try and get some professional advice on how to bring the issue up with her sensitively.
Don’t give her an ultimatum like “we need to have more sex or this is over”. That would be addressing the issue and not the cause. It’s important to find out why her libido has fallen so low to stop you thinking “does she not find me attractive anymore, am I useless in bed. I'm starting to feel depressed about it…”. Whether the cause is psychological or medical, or if she is having an unfair, talking about it will help YOU get piece of mind and hopefully help her get her libido back too. So it would definitely be worth you seeing a councillor and talking things through even if she doesn’t want to.
The NHS do fund some counselling sessions but it depends on the budget of your local area and with cuts it’s unlikely to fund many. None-the-less go and talk to your GP about local services to you and you might be able to get pointed in the right direction.
Easier said than done but please don’t blame yourself for what’s happening. This isn’t your fault and you’re trying which is more than can be said for most in the same situation. Xx
Thank you
I think you're wrong, Innis: she potentially has a very high sex drive since you had 2/3 times a week initially and since u say she goes wild when climaxing. Woman often enjoy the foreplay (I.e. Kissing, cuddling, hair stroking) more than the penetrative act itself. So here's my advice to you: don't have a regular night set aside for sex, try just kissing and cuddling in front of the fire or the telly and make it clear to your wife that you are content enough with this. She will soon rediscover her interest in sex (in fact I think you will be surprised!)
<3 W
I don't really know what to say innis but you seem like a nice guy and I wish you the best of luck. :) sorry I can't be of more help. :(
I think she's being very unfair! You've put every effort in that can possibly be put in and the only effort she makes is to say 'no'! By the look of it she knows there's a problem and so this will probably put her off it more, but something needs to be done! Talk to each other! Tell her your side for once and how youve been feeling lately.
This is going to be harsh but honestly I think you have put so much effort and thought into trying to work things out. You have given more suggestions than most sex tip books, treated her to romantic weekends and even tried backing off. She knows there is a problem but wont say what it is or do anything about it. I would have left a long time ago, sorry but I would have done. I wouldn't expect to put this much effort without getting anything back, nor would I expect anyone to do so to me. She is extremely selfish. I would give her two options, you either both go to councilling and both try and sort things out by both putting effort in. Either that or you leave. She may be unhappy but she is making you so as well. You have to think has the last 7 years of trying been worth it and could you go on like this for the rest of your life?
Like I said harsh but I would rather been told things straight. Hope you are happy, you really do deserve to be.