I have this issue...ill start with the basics. Im 21 and have in my time clocked up the modest number of 11 sexual partners. My boyfriend is 26, and he wont tell me the exact number but i know its either 6 or less...We are at a relatively serious point in our relationship- on the cusp of moving in together and the word marriage has been mentioned (although jokingly, from his side)
The issue here is he feels like my experience far outweighs his...and he has asked me for permission to sleep with girls until he is on the same number of partners as me. He believes it will help him gain some confidence in the bedroom.
As twisted as this seems, he is adamant that he loves me and wants to continue having an emotional bond/relationship with me, and only purely physical ones with others. He does not want me to sleep with any people, because then he would just have to sleep with even more girls to be on my 'level'. Also i dont know how relevant this is- but he has a decently serious porn addiction to the point where he sometimes cannot 'get it up' with me.
Honestly, what would you guys do in this situation? im really just lost for ideas here. Any comments would be appreciated. Thanks so much for taking your time to read this!
If he really wanted to be with you then the number of previous partners would be irrelevant. Some men might find it daunting to be with a more experienced woman, but they would make the decision whether they can live with that or not.
asking for permission to sleep with more women is just ridiculous. If i were you i would dump him there and then. It sounds like he just wants to play the field with the safety of knowing that he has you to come back to if he doesnt prefer any of these other women.
Sorry to say it but I'd run! I feel his request is so disrespectful.
I have been with my OH since I was 20 and had slept with triple the number of people he had but now 10 years on it makes absolutely no difference which of us had slept with more people before we got together. We've had far more sex together than either of us had had before.
Everyone is different of course, but this doesn't sound to me like someone who is committed to you enough to marry (even if only jokingly mentioned).
It shouldn't matter how many partners your intended has had previously if one is serious about a relationship - this situation doesn't quite feel right to me I'm afraid.
I wouldn't go straight to 'dump' but perhaps tell him that you don't think it's neccessary for him to equal your 'score' and see where it goes from there.
Run for the hills! Seriously, asking permission, what? JM88 hit the nail on the head, it sounds like he wants to sleep around and have you for backup.
I am 23 and have slept with about 15/17, I have actually lost count. I know he has slept with a fair few women, but it is irrelevant. We are with eachother because we love eachother, and we have had HEAPS of sex that totals up for more than we have had in previous relationships. Also, the joking bit about marriage, nah, I don't think that is something to really be joking about. That is a huge commitment and I'm 199% sure I would not be talking about that with somebody who has just asked for permission to sleep with other women. Do you think he is doing that to get back at you? I dated a guy like this once and he was very sneaky and sly and would do anything inflict hurt and pain on me. Is he trying to make you jealous, make you scared that he might find someone better than you? He's playing games with you, girl!
How long have you both been together? He sounds VERY immature and disrespectful!
Hi Sorry to hear this it must be so confusing for you
However sleeping with others until he reaches what the same or will he want 1 extra. He won't gain anything except guilt weather now or the future. Remember the past has made you who you are now and he has chose you for who you are. He can't do any good keep bringing the past up.
I agree with others run now. It will only get worse underneath he is jealous and this in a man is very difficult to change believe me I know.
I think it depends on personal perspective - if you would really truly be totally comfortable with him sleeping with other people and it's something that you're both ok with, then that's fine, but it sounds like you don't feel that way. I don't think that many people would be alright with it.
I know that if it was me and a partner had suggested this to me, I'd be really annoyed that they'd made it all about numbers. I'd be more ok with someone telling me that they don't want to commit to being physically monogamous with me, that they want to try sexual experiences with different people, rather than saying they want as much experience as me. I'd think that it seemed really immature that they wanted to be on the same number, because you can't reduce experiences to numbers. Even if he did sleep with people until he was on the same number as you, they would be totally different experiences with different people, so the experiences aren't comparable anyway.
The only way forward with a situation like this is to really talk about it together and share how you both really feel and try and reach an agreement. Maybe there's a compromise that could make him feel better about his experience insecurities but that you're comfortable about - like maybe you try something sexually new and adventurous as a couple that neither of you have done before, or you involve other sexual partners but as a couple.
He should be able to get experience in the bedroom with you. What are other partners going to tell him that you can't? You have the same anatomy. That's a very worrying thing for him to ask.
Giving him permission to sleep with other women when you're at a point where moving in and marriage has been mentioned sounds like a very, very dodgy scenario. It sounds like a gateway to cheating.
Personally I think the number of people you have been intimate with shouldn't matter. If he would like more experience then he should learn with you, not have sex with other people.
How do you feel about his request? Would he allow you to do it if it was the other way around?To me it sounds like he's just using it as an excuse to play the field.
I personally wouldn't give my boyfriend permission to sleep with other people. I would be furious if he even hinted at the idea.
I'm sorry that I can't be more helpful but I really do hope you get it sorted soon & he realises that what he asked is not only disrespectful to you but could potentially damage your relationship beyond repair.
Pretty much what everyone else above has said. I was 23 when I met my now husband, I have slept with many people before him, him - well, let's just say not so much. He refused to even consider having sex with someone else when I asked him if he'd want to. We have made our own life together, sex included, and couldn't be happier. There are no uneven balances (I never thought there were, but he felt a bit insecure in the beginning) and the number or the persona of my previous partners is completely irrelevant both for me and for him. If one person loves the other, these details never count. Who and how many have you slept with is just a fact from the past and both should be free to talk openly and honestly about it. What counts is the present and you two. Ultimately it's up to you though. Could you live with it? Wouldn't you consider it cheating? Are you willing to be in an open relationship? Are you sure enough about why he'd want that? Etc.
I realize you may not find the opinion of an aging, never-been-kissed virgin particularly relevant but I have this feeling that the idea of "the more partners you have, the more experienced you are" is a tad silly and slightly, well, immature. As far as I know, there are many people around (including a number of forum members) who have only had one sexual partner - yet many of them have explored their naughty desires and fantasies truly thoroughly, and have been happily living in the realm of saucy scenarios, toys and kinks. Are such people "inexperienced" because they have a low partner count? I don't think so...
Sorry for bluntness but that has to be the biggest load of crap I have ever heared in my life..
Echoing what everyone else has really and I don't buy it for minute and if that was someone I loved who'd asked to me to do that, just to be on the same number I'd be really hurt as it isn't something you'd really suggest after discussing marriage with someone.
Experience really isn't gained by the number of people you've slept with (I think if he thinks this then he's a little immature). I learnt and explored so much with my first partner, so I don't understand this mentality and why is it an issue to just experience these things with you?
I'd be seriously worried if you do consider it that it may cause problems in your relationship, I think I'd also be worried about when does it stop? Would it just be 11? As you say you don't actually know the number he has under his belt so you would be none the wiser.
Good luck with this, I hope you make the right choice x
First of all, an ENORMOUS THANK YOU for the interest my post has recieved! im really enjoying reading all of your responses!
As many of you have mentioned- no, experience shouldnt be related to partners. However i will admit that he may think its relevant because I do have far more experience than him- because i work in the sex toy field, i read literature on the subject, i clue myself up on anatomy and try to be the best partner i can. He probably translates this as being experience ive gained from partners.
He however, is practically clueless about the existence of the clitoris and is a very much 'In and out' type of guy. He probably was never even given sex education at school... (as you can imagine this situation is also quite frustrating to me but im constantly working on trying to bring the best out in him sexually speaking)
I agree that i probably should just run a mile, and it would be easy to do so if i was not in love with him...obviously that is a little pathetic and i should be strong for myself but im really trying to find a sort of 'equal plane' or agreement/compromise where we can actually stay together...
the question is- is there actually any way of reaching a compromise?
I liked the idea of third parties getting involved when we are both there for example!
I think you probably have your answer from all the previous posts. If it was me I would say no to find out whether he is actually committed to me or not. If he leaves then he wasn't worth the bother and if he stays then you can enjoy having new experiences together. Perhaps talk to him about things you haven't done and would like to try? I know people do have open relationships that work just fine but he has asked for you to stay faithful whilst he doesn't have to. That isn't an equal relationship at all and if you are in the slightest unhappy about it then the relationship won't work.
At the best, he's very very insecure. At the worst, he's looking for an excuse.
I met my wife at 27. I know she's probably slept with more people than I have. I have deliberately avoided that conversation, as like everyone else says, reducing it to some sort of score is silly an irrelevant. Besides, you could probably argue that as I'd been with fewer partners for longer, I had more 'experience'.... but really, do you want to be breaking your sexual history down to that level? Is it going to help anything?
You have to talk it through with him, and hope you can help him gain confidence. But if he's going to insist on this silly tit for tat thing.... I'm with the walking away side......
He is being very disrespectful to you and instead of saying those things, he should treat being with you as a blessing.
Especially his inexperience, as this should make exploring each other more fun. It gives you both a chance to learn what you like and keep improving on that. That is where the fun part of your relationship could really begin.
Even if you gave him the permission to sleep with other people that isn't going to give him the experience with you, everyone is very different.
No don't do it. It will destroy your relationship in the end. It really doesn't matter how many partners you have had or he hasn't in this case. My Mrs had only one previous partner where I had around 20 . It just meant I was perhaps a bit more experienced than she was.but that was it. You could argue that's what made me the dominant one in the bedroom but we do swap roles occasionally.
So put your foot down or onto the back of his arse , if he persists.
the question is- is there actually any way of reaching a compromise?
I liked the idea of third parties getting involved when we are both there for example!
So long as you discuss it properly with each other and take the time to work out each other's boundaries and stick to them, I think it is possible to reach a compromise on something like this. It just will probably take a lot of talking and trying to empathise with each other's position.
My personal experience of this type of thing is that I was honest with my partner and told him that I would be happier being able to have sex with other people - that if he wasn't ok with it, of course I would be monogamous, but that it would improve my life to have experiences with other people. I know it's not equal, but I wouldn't be ok with him being with someone other than me, but fortunately it's not something that he's interested in. We have our rules, we talk about it openly and honestly, and I wouldn't get into situations that would make him uncomfortable.
I think one of the most important things is to approach things as a couple. Even if my partner won't be having any sexual contact with someone I'm with, I find the most important thing is to make sure that he doesn't feel excluded or isolated from the situation and that he can ask for any details so that if he's not there then he knows what's happened. We find it helps totally banish any jealousy because it's not keeping a secret experience from him.
Hopefully some of this might help your situation :) x