For the past two years I've been seeing a guy and in that time we have only once had anything even approaching vanilla sex (and it probably wasn't vanilla in most people's eyes). I am happy to have found someone who doesn't need nice sex but I wondered whether other kinky folk exclusively have kinky sex. I find I need pain, degradation and/or control to enjoy sex.
I've been into kink for almost nine years now, my entire adult life. I consider it a sexual identity rather than a set of sexual behaviours. I did have a vanilla relationship once but although I loved him, the lack of BDSM made sex very difficult to enjoy. If I had it my way, I would probably never have vanilla sex again (I say probably because I might get a head injury and knock the kink out of me. That's the only way I see it happening).
1) Do you see kink as something you do or a sexual identity/orientation?
2) Do you ever have vanilla sex.
3) Is the current situation how you would like it to be in an ideal world? (i.e. If you currently have a mix of vanilla and kink, would you prefer to get rid of one? If you just do one, would you prefer to have some of the other?)
This was a funny one, i first thought yes, but then when i really thought about it. No, No We dont!.
1. Personally i see it as a identity / Orientation as a choice of the two, you seem to either be kinky or not from what i have seen in life.
2. No, when thinking about it. We have standard missionary sex, but i cant remember it ever being without a little scratching / nibbling - biting / choking, rarely without the use of toys / cuffs etc.
3. Yes, we get close to vanilla, but never enough to make it boring. Plain vanilla, all of the time just isnt for us. and that is perfect for us.
Kink is part of me, part of my husband and a massive part of our lives....
Unfortunately due to having small children and working long hours, we don't get sex anywhere near as much as we would want to have it and so at the moment the last thing we are upto if anything is an extended play session. So more recently there has been a lot of vanilla sex, as otherwise there would be very little sexual contact at all. (Not for lack or want of trying, but an 18 hour working day 7 days a week puts a massive spanner in the works)
In an ideal world for both of us we would have majority kink if not all, but at the moment we will settle for what intimacy we can get. Be it kink or vanilla.
My poor toy collection is feeling rather neglected at the moment (as am i, but its only temporary so i will survive)..... edit - in fact after reading lovingthe toys post, i must admit theres normally still a bit of choking or biting involved even when it is vanilla.... lol
I always describe kink as merely something I do, if I admit I partake in it at all, purely because I have found people to be rather argumentative of my kink legitimacy due to the fact I feel I need vanilla sex as much as kink. I couldn't give up either and am perfectly happy with how we balance things in my current relationship. Anytime this conversation has come up with people in my real life it's been with jerks who liked to laugh at me for essentially being a pretender, that because I don't exclusively practise kinky sex (or more to the point, their partcular brand of kinky sex) I'm somehow a 'fake'. I'm not a 'real' kinkster, not like they are. I couldn't possibly be kinky if I like boring old vanilla, I'm obviously just trying to look cool. Unsurprisingly these people have not been in my bedroom to make this judgement or they'd know better. I get the same sort of reaction when I tell people I'm a switch rather than a 'pure' sub or dom- the 'oh so you're neither then' reaction, usually accompinied by a sneer. Actually I'm both, not neither, and I need to be both just as I need both kink and vanilla. Which again, perfectly fits my current relationship. So yeah, I always kind of avoid identifying as anything really as there's always someone waiting to call me out on it, to tell me I can't identify that way because I don't fit their exact description, that I'm not really what I say I am. Kind of like how I can't be bisexual because I'm currently in a male/female relationship and that makes me straight. I really need to talk to more accepting people, don't I?
I would say kink is part of who I am though since I couldn't be content to have a purely vanilla relationship. Even if I only say it quietly in my own head :p
My first boyfriend would never have vanilla sex so it was always anal or some form of BDSM but I realised this was because there was 0 emotion, so in order to have sex we'd have to do something kinky to get through it to avoid making eye contact or 'being together'.
Now, all I have is vanilla sex and it's the best sex I've ever had purely because of the emotional element. Looking back to my ex, I never enjoyed being kinky but I had to. I'm quite old fashioned where sex is an emotional thing, I just want it to be me & the other person enjoying one another and strengthening our connection and for me, non-vanilla sex doesn't achieve that connection. I'm just lucky I've found someone who feels the same and isn't interested in BDSM or anything considered kinky.
1) personally I see kink as something I do. I enjoy sex with all the thrills but I enjoy it vanilla as well. It's certainly not an identity as I'm open to most things, kinky or otherwise
2) we very rarely have sex without toys as I can't orgasm without them. But bondage items etc only come out 50% of the time.
3) I love having a mix of the two. Though kink is probably my preference I would never want to be rid of vanilla all together. Sometimes I just can't be bothered with it all and just want a good regular seeing to lol
Most of our sex is vanilla sex, we still use toys and sometimes even watch porn but I still consider it vanilla sex because it's emotional and about being close as opposed to the thrill. We rarely have a full on session, partly down to being just so busy atm tbh
I love both, I'd say it's mostly what others seem to class as kinky, I have never really classed anal or toys as kinky! I think that it's really nice to have slow paced romantic loving to reconnect and share intimacy although it's rare that there isn't some spanking, restraints or choking involved at some point!
1) Do you see kink as something you do or a sexual identity/orientation?
For me/us I think of it as something we do rather than something we are.
2) Do you ever have vanilla sex.
I guess it depends on your definition of vanilla. I would say about 20% of the time we have sex, it's just about connecting with each other, so yes. The rest involves hair pulling, spanking, restraints or toys.
3) Is the current situation how you would like it to be in an ideal world? (i.e. If you currently have a mix of vanilla and kink, would you prefer to get rid of one? If you just do one, would you prefer to have some of the other?)
I quite like it as it is, but I would prefer to have more of either, but it's just not possible whilst we're long distance ):
To echo what some have said, what feels like vanilla sex these days would be positively kinky for previous partners of mine. That being said, we only really have time for full blown sessions on average once a week these days (kids, work, life...). Vanilla for us would be less than an hour, probably with a toy, possibly some restraints, but utilising conditioned triggers to guarantee at least a few orgasms.
A "proper" session might last some hours, involve all of the above as well as a lot of orgasm denial, and allow for plenty of after care. The intensity of which would be too much for both of us more frequently than that.
Hmm some good questions 1: depends on what you call kink, we've been using toys for 15+ years, not every time but moreso recently. Is this a kink or is this healthy sexual activity? 5 years from now will toy ( incorporating restraints etc) sex be the norm / expected? Will my kids be taught about vibes/dildos/strokers/ etc during sex ed at school? I think Sex & the City bought the rabbit vibes to the masses, FSOG has probably done the same for BDSM. I reckon in around 10 yrs "Vanilla" sex will be pretty much reserved for a "quickie"
2: The last two times we've made love has been devoid of toys, sexy lingerie or restraints just us wanting each other, that said I can't remember the previous time we didn't use anything else.
3: At the moment yes, although that may change in the future. Sex should be a mixture of love, lust, passion, fun and dare I say laughter.
1) Do you see kink as something you do or a sexual identity/orientation?
The latter, definitely. It took me years to identify and understand it, and it just feels so right that it's just me, so I see it as an identity in a sense.
2) Do you ever have vanilla sex.
Yes, every relationship involves a bit of compromise, unless of course you are lucky enough to stumble across someone who is into exactly the same things as you. But it's rare even for regular sex, to not involve bondage, and biting, scratching or marking of some kind.
3) Is the current situation how you would like it to be in an ideal world? (i.e. If you currently have a mix of vanilla and kink, would you prefer to get rid of one? If you just do one, would you prefer to have some of the other?)
I could happily go full sub, and never have regular sex again. In an ideal world the only penetrative sex would involve me being pegged. For me, anal orgasms are a lot harder to achieve but are so much better than orgasms of the penis. However, I see it that I'm very lucky to have a beautiful wife that enjoys pegging me now and again, she enjoys being in control of me, and so I see it as fair (give & take in every relationship) that it's 50/50 on f**ks who....
I always describe kink as merely something I do, if I admit I partake in it at all, purely because I have found people to be rather argumentative of my kink legitimacy due to the fact I feel I need vanilla sex as much as kink. I couldn't give up either and am perfectly happy with how we balance things in my current relationship. Anytime this conversation has come up with people in my real life it's been with jerks who liked to laugh at me for essentially being a pretender, that because I don't exclusively practise kinky sex (or more to the point, their partcular brand of kinky sex) I'm somehow a 'fake'. I'm not a 'real' kinkster, not like they are. I couldn't possibly be kinky if I like boring old vanilla, I'm obviously just trying to look cool. Unsurprisingly these people have not been in my bedroom to make this judgement or they'd know better. I get the same sort of reaction when I tell people I'm a switch rather than a 'pure' sub or dom- the 'oh so you're neither then' reaction, usually accompinied by a sneer. Actually I'm both, not neither, and I need to be both just as I need both kink and vanilla. Which again, perfectly fits my current relationship. So yeah, I always kind of avoid identifying as anything really as there's always someone waiting to call me out on it, to tell me I can't identify that way because I don't fit their exact description, that I'm not really what I say I am. Kind of like how I can't be bisexual because I'm currently in a male/female relationship and that makes me straight. I really need to talk to more accepting people, don't I?
I would say kink is part of who I am though since I couldn't be content to have a purely vanilla relationship. Even if I only say it quietly in my own head :p
Wow, lovebirds, I never knew you get people in the kink community who call people pretenders just because you don't fit into their mould of what they consider kink. I have had the same reaction because I indentify as pansexual, both gay and straight people have basically called me a pretender and to pick n side. No one can tell you your sexual identity, it's something you feel, not something someone else can observe.
To answer the questions in the thread, I pretty much exclusively have vanilla sex with my main partner. I love bondage and have had exclusively kink sex with a different partner in the past but unfortunately he is not comfortable doing anything that could hurt me, and is too submissive to tie me up. Saying that, I love our vallina sex because I love him and our sex is great, so I don't really miss the bondage.
Good questions... I feel really lucky that I am in a relationship where I feel totally balanced and totally at peace with myself. I love kink, and it is definitely a large part of our relationship. We have a solid foundation of trust, and have a really loving and intense relationship. There is always an element of control from Mr Scorpius, because I love to feel completely out of control in the bedroom - this is when I feel the most free and happy. That's not to say that we don't enjoy elements of vanilla - it just always has some chocolate sprinkles on top :P xx
1) Kink for me is something I do. I love it and it adds extra fun to sex but in the same way that sex toys do for me. I love using a dildo and I love going to BDSM clubs for a spanking but it's definitely not a definition for me although there are plenty of 24/7 kinksters at the club I attend.
2) I have plenty of P/V (penis in vagina) vanilla sex as well as kink. There's different levels for me so there's sex which might be a quickie or more teasing P/V; kinky sex which will involve power play and things like choking, smacking and pinching as well as P/V and then there's play which is just kink with hitting, throwing me around a bit and no P/V. I like all of them but coudn't go without P/V.
3) My situation has a couple of bits that I would like to change but it's pretty near perfect. Living at home means I have to make excuses when I goto the club as I'm not comfortable about her knowing about my sexual interests. We also don't go as often as I like since my OH suffers from severe depression and anxiety but in terms of what we get up to I'm pretty happy with the balance :)