Double Whammy

Sex Tips & Talk
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Hey folks.

Not sure how to start this topic but here goes.

I feel like I’ve been cursed when it comes to the bedroom as I seem to suffer from both ejaculating too soon and losing my erection.

I’m 41 and have been happily married for 10 years and been with my OH for almost 15 years. She has been my first and only sexual partner. I was late to the party too, losing my V Plates in my early twenties. That last part doesn’t really bother me as it was with the one I am spending the rest of my life with.

But as I get older my sexual needs and desires are more stronger now than they were when we first met.

Ive always had the erection issue even when it was my first time. Sometimes it won’t rise to the occasion. Sometimes it’ll go soft before insertion but sometimes I’ll get lucky and it’ll stay hard but that’s when the 2nd issue strikes, I’ll last no longer than a minute maybe two. That’s if it plays ball. Other times it’s been one pump chump. Literally. It’s a vicious cycle at times.

Now my OH is and has been very very understanding and says its not that big of a deal. But I can always tell she’s left disappointed. Whether it’s my erection issue or ejaculating too soon. But after all these years it bugs me a little that I feel like ive never been able to make her happy sexually or have a right good session with her as its over too soon.

To compensate for my shortcomings I bought toys from LH (thanks guys) as a surprise last Christmas and we’ve used them often. Seeing her enjoying them was a huge turn on for me and we’ve had some fun for sure. But lately she’s been saying no to the toys as she prefers the real thing (when I can perform).

I’ve tried the delay spray and they work to an extent which has been great. Also had the blue pills and again great but I don’t want to be reliant on that.

Now I know there could be a number of things I could try to improve things with me and I will but I just wanted to put it to you lovely folks to see if anyone has been in a similar situation?

Sorry for the length of of this post and apologies if it comes across as a feel sorry for me kinda post, not my intention honest.

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Not too long and no you do not come across as feeling sorry for yourself.

Have you tried the stamina toys? There are quite a few now that help with to counter premature ejaculation.

There is normally a clinical reason for not being able to achieve a n erection or a lasting one, is there anything in your past that may still be implanted on your mind? Certain issues can cause E.D. If so it would be certainly worth speaking to your Dr about, if not it would still be a good decision to have a chat with your GP, there are quite a few places they can recommend now that will help.

Anxiety almost certainly plays a part in that, you are probably conscious that you lose the erection quickly or ejaculate too quickly when love making, this sub conscious worry often causes the body to react which will in turn cause an erection failure of premature ejaculation, which is why I suggested speaking to your GP. Do have a look at the stamina training toys, they may or may not work but maybe worth a try.

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A couple of years ago my wife started wanting sex on an almost daily basis and I started to lose my erection and in the past on some occasions I have found it difficult to last long enough during intercouse.
I believe that the main reason for this was thinking that it was going to happen. So I went to see the doctor and he prescribed me a small dose of viagra and I realised when my penis stays hard its much easier to control and the premature ejaculation disappeared. Now I very rarely need viagra, I just take half a tablet if we have sex 2 or 3 days on the trot for my own mind.

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Have you ever had your testosterone level checked?

The exact symptoms you describe (in terms of your erection) happened to me a few years back and it turned out to be a low testosterone level. Treatment with a hormone replacement gel worked wonders for me.

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You’re definitely not the only one :heart: I haven’t had a lot of sexual partners but when it’s someone new it takes me quite a while until I can get him up consistently, for me it’s nerves and anxiety, I’ve been with my partner nearly four years and occasionally I still have the same problem. I also have problems with ejaculating too soon or sometimes not being able to finish and going soft if I panic about something :man_facepalming: Sometimes are better than others but I totally get how you feel :heart:

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Yep low testosterone can do that to a fellow and the older we get the lower it goes they say, I used to get shots every other Friday for it, butt that became a pain in the ass​:crazy_face: so I quit doing it, there are other options out there such as low T pills and creams and such

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Our experience is different from yours, but you’re not alone! Some of the things that helped us might not be as helpful to you, but thought I’d share :yellow_heart:

We were really sexually active earlier in our marriage, but after a decade, we had a period of a few years that we rarely had sex or masturbated. We weren’t having any marital problems, we just weren’t getting sexually intimate. Then when my libido went up and I started wanting to have sex more often (this is about a year and a half or two years ago, early thirties), my husband started having performance anxiety. He’d get hard then go limp when he’d put a condom on, or he’d stay hard to penetrate and then would go limp or would cum right away, like within 20 seconds. We didn’t have any sex toys and weren’t on the forum, so didn’t have a good place to go for advice, so I just started googling things like “going limp when putting a condom on” and “can’t stay hard during sex” and found a bunch of random things to try, so we started trying them, like using different brands of condoms and him masturbating with a condom on. He was really embarrassed to do this because sometimes I’d be sitting there watching him, but I’d try to give him a sexy boob show and praise him (to try to give positive reinforcements to replace negative feelings). Also getting him really hard before penetration instead of starting when he was semi hard but still kinda flexi (not sure how to describe this better). This is when I started giving him blow jobs again because he’d get really hard from that. We had been just jumping right into sex, so just foreplay in general helped him get harder and keep his erection.

After we found out about Lovehoney, he started using cock rings, and that helped a lot, both getting harder and staying hard longer. My having clit vibes to get me to orgasm quicker has taken some of the pressure off of him too as sometimes he’d have to wait quite a while on me before. After he got a Fleshlight, he started trying edging to get better at knowing when to stop before he’d climax. Also lately, trying to be more intimate so that we’re both enjoying sex rather than him feeling like it’s just him giving me the sex I want. He feels like the more often he masturbates or we have sex, the longer he’s able to last, but even still he’ll cum quickly if he’s not mindful about it. He’d rather not have sex than talk to a doctor about it, so I’m really glad to have different experiences and advice to read about here on the forum :slightly_smiling_face:

I’m glad that your OH is considerate and understanding of you because I was not very considerate. I took it personally when he’d go limp and would get irritated when he’d cum so quickly. He didn’t tell me until later that he was always really stressed that he’d cum too fast or go limp and disappoint me, so he’d get really anxious every time we’d have sex, and my reactions made it worse. When he finally told me, I kinda had figured that was the case as I had been reading about ed causes on different sites, and I felt like such a crappy wife :persevere: I’ve been trying to make up for it by being more patient and giving now. I feel really dumb writing some of this because some of it is common sense, and a lot of it was my fault, but I can’t change what’s already happened, so trying to keep looking forward.

@FantasticMrFox Hope you find some things to help your situation :hugs:

If you haven’t listened to it already, this sexual happiness podcast episode is really good (about premature ejaculation, erectile dysfunction, poor body image, low sexual desire). It was the first one my husband wanted to listen to. It’s interesting that a big part of erection health is psychological, but a healthy lifestyle (exercise, diet, alcohol, smoking) plays a big part too since erections are all about blood flow :thinking:

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What an excellent post @PKH , you have given some excellent advice with practical idea’s and your own experiences. I will certainly be taking your advice and will be watching the podcast’s and reading the advice. Thank you

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Hey everyone. Thank you all for you lovely comments and feedback. Will definitely look into this more and see where I stand.

I do think it’s low T levels but who knows until I visit the GP.

@PKH thank you for sharing your experience. It’s nice to read it from a female perspective. And thank you for the podcast link. Will give it a listen soon.

:heart:

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@FantasticMrFox How about Blood pressure or Cholesterol levels or stress? I recently retired and started taking vitamins and supplements. Got my blood pressure down to normal levels and my cholesterol down to a better level. I have always had much higher libido than my wife and with this better health it is like I am in my 20’s again down below. We are both in our early 50s.

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It would be a good idea for your DR to do some general blood work as well, including IRON levels.
I had an issue which caused my iron level to be really low and was suffering the same issues you have described. After discovering what was causing the low iron levels (blood loss due to stomach ulcers) I had an iron infusion (as well as the treatment for the ulcers) and slowly my ED problems became less and less, to the point now where I rarely need any assistance from blue pills.

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I really think its good to talk about these things and to hear what others are going through. I have the same problem but the doctors are just not interested.

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Hello, hope you’re well.

Sounds like you’ve had some solid advice here and definitely medical answers sound sensible.
But I can’t imagine it helps with the stress and pressure of hoping it’s going to work out and panicking about it, your head will be all over the place and that can get anyone in the exact same position.

Trying to stay light hearted so I hope you’ll appreciate the tone.

Give your old man a break and rely less on having to just fuck you’re other half to orgasm, I bet every chap here would love the ability to go a few minutes further than they normally do, I tend to pull out and go down on my other half numerous times, especially if I think I’m closer than she is.

My little fella gets a breather and some time to catch up, she’s loving it and heading straight for the point of no return and it’s all on my watch.

We can usually come at the same time not out of a stroke of luck but just by observing how close she is and being aware of where I’m at.

You also mentioned she doesn’t like toys as much as the real thing but they don’t have to be separate. I’ll sometimes use toys on my partner while I’m inside her like a wand. Again if you usually would cum before her she’s getting to feel you, she’s getting closer and there’s less pressure on you giving 100% of that D.

Try not to feel unconfident by it and get to a point where you’re able to know you can blow her socks off whether you’re hard or soft or if you’ve cum before her.

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Is it ok to talk about supplements on here? Nothing crazy, just stuff out of WalMart?