Hi. We’re hoping to get a view from people if they have similar experiences to my wife and I. Be nice to understand if you overcame it, anything that seems wrong and things learnt.
Very happily been with my wife for many years. We’re both in our mid 30s and have a few kids.
Ever since the start of our relationship (pre marriage) my wife has always been a little sore the day after sex and she think it’s near the vaginal opening.
More recently she has been experiencing little tears which is not known until after sex and it is not something she can see.
We aren’t sure why this is and wondered if anyone has similar experiences?
Generally the sex we have isn’t anything, what people may say, “adventurous”.
We don’t insert any toys, or use anything that can irritate or burn as part of stimulation/foreplay.
We tend to stick to missionary as other positions have been known to hurt my partner (hitting the cervix hurts) and the soreness she experiences is exasperated when doing things other than missionary.
The doctors/nurses she sees for smear tests etc. have said her vagina opening is normal
sized and everything looks good. Told her something she needs to deal with.
We both agree she doesn’t suffer from dryness and she doesn’t have the other symptoms that would come with dryness.
We did use lube before just in case but it didn’t change the outcome. Still a sore, dull kind of ache.
The build up, foreplay, is really fun for both of us. We don’t rush into penetration and when we do begin it starts slow and builds.
The whole thing is starting to bother my wife (and understandably so) and mine too as i don’t like she gets hurt.
Welcome suggestions on what we can do and would like to know your experiences to see if there is anything we can learn. Thanks.
Thanks for responding.
Looks like we’re not alone.
I am wondering if we have a kind of compatibility problem when it comes to penetration.
She says it’s great in the moment but afterwards she’s knows it’s too much for her. I’m not ridiculous but I know it’s on the large side.
We can always use toys again but i know we’d both miss doing that bit. Maybe something done less often.
Hmm not sure what I’d recommend other than maybe she tries using a toy daily for a week to see if the slow stretch of that somehow helps her when it comes to having sex?
Hope your both able to find some sort of resolution to the problem
I can’t offer too much advice, for me I can’t take doggy hard or fast as he’s too big. I have a dropped ovary and his penis hits off it and its very painful and we’ve had to play around with positions and have gotten around it.
Has it always been this way for her? Before kids? With previous partners? With toys? Are the tears on the inside or outside of her vagina?
During pregnancy its recommended to massage the perineum, I wonder if that might work?
It’s always been this way between us and before kids.
She did not used to tear though - that’s a more recent issue (last couple of years) and we think it’s just inside the vagina - usually the sides.
The after dull pain never happened with previous partners
Toys used have not done this and I don’t think we’ve been less enthusiastic with them. I think the toys my partner bought are smaller.
I would try the perineum massage, though it would need to be a regular thing to get results. I’m pretty sure there are youtube videos on how to do it. You could sexy it up and have no penetration days or try anal. It must be really difficult for her to know that she’s going to hurt after penetration so I’d sort it out before it gets too much.
Vaginal tears could be hormone related. I’m going through the menopause and lots of women suffer with this. Not suggesting your wife is going through the menopause but maybe her hormones aren’t balanced making the skin thinner and more fragile?
The response from the Dr/ nurses is truly awful and I think it would breach NICE guidelines. This is a genuine concern for your wife. I would seek a 2nd opinion / complain to the practice manager / request to see a specialist. But don’t be fobbed off.
If you’re not getting the medical care you need… fire the rats and get somebody else. Its your time and your money, they work for you not the other way around.
Not sure what’s causing the pain and tearing…obviously you’ve been together a long time, so if it was an issue of adjusting to size or a particular activity, that would have happened by now. I started out tiny and tight and I still prefer anal, but even though it took a couple of years I adjusted to PIV just fine. Seek a competent professional.
There are prostaglandins in semen that can set off inflammatory processes in body tissues (It’s the same reason why sex can move things along in late pregnancy). If there are micro-tears forming in the vaginal wall, semen can make them considerably more painful. An ex of mine found that particularly troublesome. Lube helped, so did condoms, to prevent the semen coming into contact.
I second the comments about getting another referral though to a good gynaecologist, especially if you can find one who specialises in sexual pain / vulvodynia (I know it’s not vulvodynia, but that might be a good search term to find someone who would be able to assist)
