I've come to the conclusion that I need to feel an emotive connection with my partner to be comfortable and want sex. It sounds pretty basic but we've got to a point where we're kind of distant from each other because it's emotionnally easier this way, and it's really hard to get back closer.
I am trying to get us to have moments when we feel connected and intimate, but my bf barely feels any emotions in general, so it's pretty hard for us to be intimate. Plus, since I fear intimacy, I can't get intimate if I don't feel him being emotionnally there.
So we're trying to teach him to be in touch with his emotions. Do you have any tips that could help?
Also, I'm thinking maybe trying tantric sex could help. What do you think? Do you have any tips on that too? or any book recommendations etc?
Spot on Mamz, I'd suggest you look at the tantric teachings. Also try a bathing and massaging each other but without sex being the end goal. The giving of pleasure to another without the expectation of anything in return is very bonding.
Emotions are a bit of a toughie aren't they :/ I came across this article (https://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2015/11/how-to-get-better-at-expressing-emotions/416493/) that's in interview style and kinda long, but seems based on decent research.
I'll start by saying I am quite apathetic. It varies with circumstance obviously. It's not that I don't care per se about the person in front of me, it's more that I'm a head-over-heart person. If it makes sense, can be rationalised, then it's the best course of action. Emotions, to me, can be separated when needed to and should not be involved in decision-making.
But I've also realised that most people don't function the way I do, and emotions are key for many, so I adapt to see things from their perspective. And from that POV I think it's great that your partner is on board! It will take some time though, took me a few years to become relatively comfortable with feelings, but YMMV. I found journalling to have been a good way at reflecting over my day/week/whatever and mulling over the things that happened, social interactions, etc. And the reflections in turn helped me figure out why I reacted in certain ways, what emotions I might have felt (or none!) and how to better communicate my internal thought processes and feelings to other people.
I was thinking doing things like the 36 questions (https://www.nytimes.com/2015/01/11/fashion/no-37-big-wedding-or-small.html?_r=0) might help open things up too? Idk I haven't personally tried that. Not sure about tantric sex either unfortunately!
Emotions are a bit of a toughie aren't they :/ I came across this article (https://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2015/11/how-to-get-better-at-expressing-emotions/416493/) that's in interview style and kinda long, but seems based on decent research.
I'll start by saying I am quite apathetic. It varies with circumstance obviously. It's not that I don't care per se about the person in front of me, it's more that I'm a head-over-heart person. If it makes sense, can be rationalised, then it's the best course of action. Emotions, to me, can be separated when needed to and should not be involved in decision-making.
But I've also realised that most people don't function the way I do, and emotions are key for many, so I adapt to see things from their perspective. And from that POV I think it's great that your partner is on board! It will take some time though, took me a few years to become relatively comfortable with feelings, but YMMV. I found journalling to have been a good way at reflecting over my day/week/whatever and mulling over the things that happened, social interactions, etc. And the reflections in turn helped me figure out why I reacted in certain ways, what emotions I might have felt (or none!) and how to better communicate my internal thought processes and feelings to other people.
I was thinking doing things like the 36 questions (https://www.nytimes.com/2015/01/11/fashion/no-37-big-wedding-or-small.html?_r=0) might help open things up too? Idk I haven't personally tried that. Not sure about tantric sex either unfortunately!
You are not alone.
I to think along similar lines and have done for as long as I can remember (much to my oh's frustration). I came to the conclusion that it was a way of protecting myself against destructive emotions.
Many years later the emotions are mostly under control but keep me away from weepy films.
It is easier to project the emotions that are expected than to experience them first hand but those close to you can see through that.
These days I am frequently called a big baby because I tear up to easily. On the other hand it is still possible to shut the emotions down when I feel it neccessary.
Given enough time I think humanity will evolve to be less emotional but we are a long way from that.
It can be tough. While emotions are something that people say shouldn't be involved in the situation I am in in a fwb relationship, this guy is my friend first and foremost so of course I have some emotional connection to him as I'm not a robot and also because it's not for anybody to dictate how I should or shouldn't feel as they aren't in my place. So emotions happen, it just depends upon how you deal with them.
To start it might be worth thinking a bit about why you fear intimacy the way you do. I used to fear it as I was afraid of getting hurt as in the past I have had some really bad relationships. I decided then that I shouldn't let that fear from the past affect any future relationships as it's the bad exes still having an effect on my life.
I agree with Gentle giant that massage is a great way to bond and connect and also a great way to be intimate without sex being on the cards. It's also a great way to really explore them too. I recommend this book http://www.lovehoney.co.uk/product.cfm?p=23779 and while not all sections or suggestions are quite to my taste, it does have a lot that is useful in a non-sexual massage as well as the erotic side to it. I suggest a foot or hand and forearm massage with some nice oil while he's watching TV or a film as a good place to start for just bonding. Maybe getting him in a more relaxed and comfortable state will help him?
It's a tough situation and I really empathize with you having been there myself.
I would recommend tantra any day, though not really a quick fix solution, it's more a path of self discovery, energy work and systematic training to become more conscious and open to life. There is a lot of knowledge on how to get a more profound connection with yourself and others, which of course doesn't come without a lot of courage to look inside, because the thing about emotions is that it can be extremely unpleasant, uncomfortable, painful and ugly to look at what is blocking you in one way or another and it can seem so much easier to just not go there, instinctively avoiding that initial pain. If you both want a deeper emotional intimacy you can slowly enter into that vulnerable space together and discover the richness it brings.
Many men also require 'foreplay' to talk about emotions, which is where the needs of women and men clash a bit. Women generally liking the emotional connection before making love and men being more open emotionally after the fact. For some men, a woman wanting to talk about emotions NOW feels to him like it would to her a man wanting to go in dry, so to speak.
A good introduction to erotic tantra are Diana Richardsons books on tantric orgasm for women/tantric sex for men/the heart of tantric sex. And also books by Margot Anand.
I wholeheartedly recommend tantra massage for healing intimacy issues, either going to a genuine and professional tantra masseur or learning how to give each other tantra massage. Tantra massage can be sensual/erotic, but it is very much about conscious touch and relaxation, love, intimacy and connection, getting in touch with your body and emotions. But please please read reviews and study the place/person you go to if you want to receive a professional tantra massage, as nowadays anyone can call themselves tantra masseur and write pretty words on a website.
Giving each other massage is also a kind of communication without words (it is said that touch is the language of the heart) and can easily create a deep feeling of intimacy when done correctly. Maybe there's a place offering classes our Art of Touch workshops near you? It's not easy to learn from a book, but I still do recommend a book called Tao of Tantric massage and Yoni Massage (Michaela Riedl).