Hey - I’m looking for whether anyone has experienced this or similar.
So, I’ve always been aware that I have been attracted to women, but I prefer men. I’ve kissed women, but only had sex or sexual contact with men (only spending a few months at a time single since maturity). I’m now happily married to a loving and sexually fulfilling man. But I’m now thinking that I have missed out on experimenting with women and exploring that attraction. I struggle with my sexual identity as I feel if I haven’t experimented with women, I can’t call myself bi, but I’m not straight either.
I’ve been open with my husband about this, and we’ve been tentatively discussing it. I am too insecure to bring in another woman for FFM, so some vague ideas are for him to watch while I have sex with a woman (via swingers clubs etc.) or for him to give his blessing for me to meet a woman just for sex without him.
At the moment these are only early discussions; if we can’t both completely agree on something then it won’t happen, and even if we can I may change my mind - I love him and our life too much to jeopardise for an experiment. I’m also worried I may enjoy it more than men and not want to be with hubby anymore (this is also his worry).
Has anyone had experiences of similar? How did you approach the situation and what were outcomes?
Regarding the “I don’t feel I can call myself bisexual because I haven’t had sex with…” thing: NOT TRUE, love! Your sexuality is purely determined by what variety of humans you’re attracted to. It has nothing to do with who you may or may not have had sexual contact with. You already know you’re attracted to both men and women - you just said it - so bingo, you are entitled to call yourself bisexual. Welcome to the club!
I would say your bisexual if your attracted to both genders. My thought why is orientation is attraction not action. For example: A straight man could like getting pegged but it’s doesn’t make him bi because of his actions. You don’t need to act on it to prove your bisexual.
I know how you feel. Been ignoring it for a long time too, but its worth the internal debate.
Keeping it bottled up trying not to think about it uses a surprising amount of energy.
Worth it for the peace of mind
The way i look at it. Im still the same person i was yesterday, and last year (before i even took a good look at everything). I just know myself a little better.
I know its scary, it was scary for me too, examining something so big about yourself. so big hugs from me. Your partner sounds wonderful and so supportive by the way.
Ooh, I think I’m going to be unpopular but I think you should be very careful.
If your husband is open to it a swingers club where he can watch you with another woman then I think that could be great, you both need to be very clear however, before you go, what you both want to happen and what you would both be completely happy with but at least it keeps him included.
I think the idea of meeting up with another woman for sex without your husband there (albeit absolutely with his knowledge) is a terrible idea. I get what you’re saying, that you’ve never had sex with a woman and want to experience it but how would you feel if he said he’d never had sex with, for example, “Shirley the lady who cuts his hair” and wanted to experience it. You are attracted to both men and women, you are bisexual, all good, no problems there but at that point I kind of feel that having sex with anyone outside of your marriage is the same thing, whatever their gender is becomes irrelevant. How would both you and your husband see it if you wanted to have sex with another man?
Talking this stuff through with your husband is great, definitely don’t keep stuff bottled up but be prepared that it might be a step too far for him to be happy with.
Not with me you’re not. Sounds like common sense to me. This kind of stuff always has to be thought through and discussed. Fortunately I think @WelshDragonette is very much aware of that and is in no danger of doing anything impulsive.
Not at all Peitho, all options are only hypotheticals at the moment anyway. I completely get what you’re saying so no offense taken! I would never do anything to hurt my husband, and even with his blessing doing anything (right now) wouldn’t sit comfortably with me for fear of losing what we have. I was just hoping someone may have been through the same, but all the support is definitely helping that I feel more able to identify truthfully without engaging with anyone else
Coming at this from the otherside…if you decide to experiment with a woman, make it absolutely clear to any woman from the get go that that’s what you are doing. That you are in a serious, committed, het relationship and only looking for experimental sex. Heterosexual couples and people looking to experiment often are not upfront and treat lesbians as if they are little more than sex toys.
For what it’s worth, you are no less valid as a bisexual if you never have sex with a woman. There are plenty of people who know they are gay or bisexual long before they have sex with anyone. It’s the attraction, the feelings, that matter.
Agreed - although I’d make that “queer people” rather than just limiting it to lesbians. LGBTQ+ folk in general too often get treated as if their emotions are irrelevant …sometimes by other queer people!
We met via a swingers site and had both had same sex experience before we met. Initially we were just FB’s but things evolved and we’ve been married for several years now, although on a swinging sabbatical. I’ve always been of the opinion that if there’s something you want to experience that your partner physically can’t offer (e.g if I fancied giving a Bj or my wife felt the need to play with a pair of boobs of an evening) then provided all are happy, any activities are discussed in detail with boundaries and limitations agreed and that it’s clear that it’s just physical fun with no emotional attachment - then why not? I’ve known people over the years experience deep frustration that they’ve not had the opportunity to try something, to the extent they’ve cheated on partners, been caught out and subsequently ruined what was previously a perfect, happy relationship. There’s many things I can’t offer the wife - a same sex experience, one with someone of a different ethnicity, one with a 6ft, 6" gym fit, muscle bound adonis in his 20’s. If she really wanted any of those and was open about it, was purely interested in a physical interaction as opposed to an emotional one, then I’d have no issue with her getting jiggy with another party. Life’s too short. I guess I’ve never been the insecure, jealous type and have seen plenty of people live lives of regret so have always been of the mindset of ‘if you get the chance to try something new then grasp it’. If someone really, passionately wants to do something they’ll eventually find a way and will, so why not be open and upfront about it and do it in a controlled, communicative manner rather than behind someone’s back in secret. Either that or a pent up desire will create issues in an existing relationship and cause damage that often can’t be fixed.
I’ve never had experience with this sort of thing before but I know if it’s something that’s played on your mind for a long time then it’s better to find a common ground to express it then bury it as you’ll only feel regret later on in life having not taken the leap. But on the other hand you have to fully take your husbands thoughts and wishes into consideration too as don’t want him to then feel cheated on or create insecurities for him.
This is defo something you’ll need to weigh up pros and cons for with him so you decide on something together.
Sexterminatrix and I have had similar conversations, and we’ve agreed that she would be open for FFM and having some fun with another woman, but only with the right person - the Perfect Storm scenario - or it wasn’t happening; as is her interest in watching me with another woman, however I’ve said I wouldn’t be interested unless all parties were involved (which avoids people feeling left out or used, if that makes sense). I would hate if the encounter was anything other than inclusive for all involved, because that’s only fair; even if it started out as voyeuristic, there would have to be an understanding by all that everyone would come out the other side with something good, depending on their sexual needs/desires.
For my part, I’m not fussed either way and if it happens, great, but I won’t lose any sleep if it doesn’t. We’ve also talked about getting one of those lifelike, stupidly-expensive sex dolls to have that threesome without the risk of emotions (and STIs!) getting in the way, which might be an option to consider if the thought of a third actual person is too intimidating?
Either way you go, @WelshDragonette, the most important thing is to keep the lines of communication open with your hubby, and not do anything unless you’re 100% comfortable with it and know where it’s going and where both your limits are. It does sound as if you’re already onto it, though, so you’re on the right path for sure if you guys ever do decide to dive into it. Best of luck with it!
I think there is absolutely nothing wrong with experimenting even of you’re in a loving relationship! As long as you both agree to it of course. I personally feel as though if you exclude your husband i.e meeting women on your own would be unfair. If one of you has a fantasy, you both would enjoy it if you both experience it together! You wanting to have sex with girls on your own without him being there could potentially damage your relationship
My wife and I are currently in a very similar situation. We’ve been discussing the idea of letting me have sex with a man. We haven’t fully came to an agreement yet but we’re on the right path. My best advice is to make sure your partner is emotionally okay with it before you proceed. Talk about it often
Me and the wife are also talking about this, but we would both prefer it to happen in threesome or with another couple. Preferably we another couple involved would be so we can both enjoy a same sex experience at the same time.
I would love to see my wife playing with another woman, and she would love to experience it one day.
I would love to suck a nice cock together with her and anally penetrated by the real deal.
My wife loves the idea of seeing me play with another man.
Myy wife loves the idea of it, but doesn’t want to physically see me with another guy. Doesn’t know how she would feel about seeing me with anyone else. She’s into the idea of me visiting a glory hole
Update - this has taken a backseat in any discussions.
Hubby has always said he is happy for me to explore in any way, but recently I had a girls night/sleepover, and due to sleeping arrangements, slept in the same bed as my bestie who has recently also realised she is bi. Nothing happened (obviously, shes like my sister) but he questioned me for days and was really on edge about it, which has made me think hes not as comfortable with me exploring as he first thought!
So I’m glad we didn’t proceed as our relationship is the most important thing to me. Maybe in the future an opportunity will arrise for us to explore (together), but for now it will have to stay as fantasy.
everything is a bit of a battle in my head right now just admitting this and honestly looking back at my desires over the years.
so big hugs from me. Your partner sounds wonderful and so supportive by the way.
