Today is a week since our anniversary trip, and there was a hint of some play today from my OH last night. I woke feeling strangely apathetic toward it. Usually if we have sex planned, I will be aroused as soon as I wake up, and be horny all day until we get on with it. I’m not sure what’s driving the feelings, maybe it will get better later. I’ll get my workout in , maybe the adrenaline will have me sorted out. Happy Father’s Day to those who are.
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Of course I can’t speak for you and I won’t but having been in your shoes regarding such things with my ex-wife, I experienced this too, the feelings of apathy towards it.
I’m guessing you’ve heard of Lucy pulling the football away from Charlie Brown when he was about to kick it…
My ex-wife was Lucy and I was Charlie Brown.
Over our 16 year and change marriage there were many times she did that. Well, being that we’re human, we develop a conditional response (I’m not saying you have about this yet or that you ever will mind you, I’m talking generally about people and about myself specifically with my ex-wife).
With the way things were between my ex-wife and I, I had to learn to temper my expectations, even when SHE hinted about sex or even when she said we would.
I mean, there were times when it was just like 2 mins later and it didn’t happen after she said it would.
Here is one such example. It was later at night, kids long asleep, we finished watching TV downstairs and were about to go upstairs to bed.
My then wife looked at my erection when she got up from the couch and she said she’d help me with that upstairs.
Literally two mins later we were upstairs and in bed and when she got into bed her back was towards me and she went to sleep.
She said and did nothing about taking care of my erection, even though she literally said that she would less than 2 mins before downstairs.
With the way things were between us overall, I didn’t say a word to her there in bed beside her.
My point is that I definitely became apathetic towards hints of sexy time from her.
Her actions rarely matched her words and not just about sex, but about so many other things.
One last tidbit about her saying that and then not doing it even minutes later was that I had no idea she was going to say that to me when she got up off the couch. I didn’t make her think that or say that to me, she did that on her own.
If she didn’t want to do anything to help me with my erection, she didn’t have to of course, that’s not my point. It’s that she said she would and then literally two mins later was just going to sleep with her back towards me.
In my head, I wondered why she said that at all to me. Things such as this from her certainly got me to the point where I was apathetic towards hints of play from my ex-wife.
Well, I have had many experiences with the inference that there might be some intimacy, then it just not happening for any number of reasons. Sitting here and thinking about it, I realized that I have some notions of what I would like to happen, and what reality is likely to be. The thoughts that if I set out the hair groomer, she would take the hint and trim her pubes short like i prefer, or thinking we might include the sex toys in the play today, which, again feels more and more unlikely. These thoughts and past disappointments have set the tone for what could happen today. Even watching porn this morning, which usually gets me somewhat reved up, is not doing anything. What I really want to do is take a nap and try to forget the crappy start to the day.
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Well, still kind of edgy, had breakfast, she asked what was planned for the day for me. I gave her a list of things which did not include sex. She suggested a snuggle and for the first time I can remember, I turned it down.
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Again, I may not speak for you but I know this goes for so many people in relationships where one partner has the lower sex drive.
They are, in effect, the gatekeeper to sex (partnered sex anyway).
You want sex more often than your wife does. Sadly, that is a common thing out there, going both ways as many in this boat are both male and female.
Some of the people with lower sex drives acknowledged it, apologize and they care and show empathy towards their partners.
Others aren’t as nice. My ex-wife was unkind and you’ve used that word about your wife multiple times on different posts.
When a person is quite unkind, about any topic, and when we don’t want to experience that from our partners, we begin to act in ways to “protect” ourselves.
You being apathetic about this now (at times as I know you’re not always feeling apathetic) is a normal response to the greater relationship dynamic between your spouse and you.
And as your posts over the last month or so show, you want to have more sex with your partner (totally normal, nothing wrong with that of course) and you are talking about how to do that on here. You’re talking about things you’re thinking, doing etc.
Having been in a similar situation to you, you’re also trying to think about how to do this, to get what you want while NOT upsetting your wife.
Others with a low sex partner don’t have to worry that their partner will be so unkind. Some of us do and some of us don’t.
My point about you is that is a component of your situation so it’s something you have to be and remain cognizant about and I know you are, at least in some part of your mind.
So you want more sex, it’s on your mind, you’re thinking about ways to accomplish, including her, toys, making sure she is satisfied etc. and you do all of those things. That’s quite clear from your posts.
It’s more than just that immediate paragraph above though. I’m not sure if you’ve consciously thought of this (I sure did with my ex-wife) but you spend way more time thinking about sex, thinking about how to have more sex with your wife than she does.
Many therapists and people out there will talk about the mental load in a relationship as sometimes one person has most of it or all of it and their partner has little to no mental load on them for things like the house, the kids, the bills etc.
Leaving such chores aside, you have the lion’s share of the mental load for sex between your partner and you.
Being rejected, turned down, having your partner be unkind (even about other matters not related to sex) and not being on the same page as you about this and not working on it the way you are makes it easy for you to get down, to feel and become apathetic.
Hell, I’d be surprised if you were not feeling apathetic.
I wish I had some cure all for you regarding this, but I don’t. If I did, I’d be a billionaire as so darn many on this rock are in relationships where one of the partners has a much lower sex drive and that can and does cause strain in the relationship.
I have to say, she was surprised when I turned the prospect of sex down, that has never happened before, at least when I was able and ready.
She even asked if there was some kind of disappointment going on,and I replied no, of course, I lied, of course there was. But I didn’t have the energy to get into a drag out conversation about all the little things that she does, or doesn’t do for or to me. At this time, I am going to ride this out. Maybe give her a chance to look deeply into things and with any mindfulness, figure out the myriad of ways she could make things better. I’m probably going at this the wrong way, and it sounds kind of cruel ( even I recognize that ) but I am getting weary of carrying the sex burden. It takes two to tango, and I am not feeling in a dancing mood.
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That was your opening to say " Quite honestly I am tired of always being the one initiating and not getting any initiation from you. It chips away over time so I am learning just to temper my expectations. I have no real reason to believe tonight will be any different and my luck will be in, so I’m just going to save myself the disappointment and skip the dance tonight."
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Did she initiate it this time when you turned her down? If so she may not initiate again and leave it up to you again, just saying you may have made it worse.
Yes, it was her that implied some snuggle time, as is often the case, not that I don’t. The majority of the time I initiate, i get turned down, or deferred to another day in the future. I was not in a great mood, and really didn’t have the energy to go forward with it. And, it felt to me a sympathy fuck anyway.
I had been doing everything I could to try to bring about more closeness and it felt good, but went no further. And my initial thought , before she even suggested some play, was to bring up the possibility of trying the toys again,and maybe having her trim herself up a bit, both of which would have been rejected, I am nearly 100% sure, based on her previous behavior.
For the past week or so, I have been initiating some cuddling at night when we go to bed, nothing sexual, just body on body to feel what that is like. Today, she said, maybe SHE would initiate the cuddle tonight. That sounds like progress to me. We will see if there is any other developments beyond that.
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