I’m a 35 year old male, and recently got back together with my first ever love, having not seen each other for 17 years. We never broke up due to anything bad between us, as it was perfect at the time, but we both moved far away from each other and have only just found each other again. Everything has been brilliant so far and we’re both so happy… Except one thing.
We used to have sex quite often as youngsters with no issues at all, but last night we attempted to have sex again for the first time in 17 years and it ended a bit negatively/embarassing. After a lot of foreplay, I attempted to enter her but could not for the life of me manage to get inside. The longer I tried, the more anxious I became and eventually completely lost my erection and had to end the attempt, which was obviously extremely embarassing.
I don’t think it was because she was too “tight” as we used to manage it perfectly in the past, but I spent around 10 minutes or so pleasuring HER during foreplay and pretty much ignored myself, expecting that I’d still have an erection once it came to actual intercourse. I was still I’d say around 85-90% erect, but not FULLY as I was when starting the foreplay. Do you think this could have had an effect on me not being able to enter her properly? It’s probably obvious to a lot of you, but I’ve not had THAT many sexual partners over the years, and it’s never happened before so I’m not quite sure what the reason is.
I’m hoping that’s the reason and not that I’m just completely incapable of being able to have sex anymore haha, as that would be a nightmare.
@Cranston87 I understand why you’d think/write that … but it’s totally aok. It’s very possible your partner wasn’t quite warmed up enough (10mins is ok for foreplay, but sometimes it needs to be more than that).
Despite your history together (or because of), your partner might have been really nervous this time around … and nerves can really prevent things from ‘easing up’ so to speak. Talk to her about it. Tell her it’s totally ok, and that perhaps you were a bit nervous too. Communication is the most important thing.
When we’re younger it’s easier to stay hard … and for vagina-owners, easier to get wet etc and be ready for sex. The older we get, the more we need to tune into each other for the best experience.
Nothing is wrong buddy. Don’t stress about it. So many of us have been there. You are soooo normal
It sounds like you’ve put a lot of pressure on yourself and thats been the cause. I’m guessing this was in missionary and unless you were kneeling between her legs, you’ll not have been able to see where you were going. Theres no issue with using your hand to guide you but I’d suggest that you kneel between her legs so that you’ve got an amazing view. If you put your fingers inside her as part of foreplay, you’ll also know whether a bit of lube will be helpful for the glide. Just try and relax, ask her to guide you in.
Really appreciate the replies, thanks so much everyone. I posted this thread on a different forum and was called “vile” and an “incel” for some reason. Had attack after attack directed at me for posting the EXACT thread I posted here, so thanks for helping me out and being nice!
Sorry to hear you’ve had horrible replies on a different forum. I have found Lovehoney to be the least judgemental place with lots of lovely people offering their support.
I echo what others have said, when I’m anxious about something everything is tense.
I wonder if it was just the combination of things for you two, I can understand how you feel but all you can do now is to not let it become a big thing in your mind, maybe have a chat with her to clear the air and next time just fool around for a bit longer, maybe even be content with some make out sessions/oral/re learn each others bodies again and if it ends with sex then it was a natural progression for the both of you?
How lovely you’ve both reconnected, I have a feeling you’ll be absolutely fine.
Well, perhaps 85% erect wasn’t enough. But, I’d say maybe not. Women CAN get tighter with lack of use, so perhaps your partner hasn’t had PIV sex in a while? Since I prefer anal, if my husband hasn’t used my vagina in a while, sometimes getting started can be a bit tricky.
Also, excitement can make a vagina tighten more than usual, so perhaps reconnecting with you is something she finds really important, so things are extra tight right now?
As others have said it could be a degree of performance anxiety, if not fully erect it might be difficult to penetrate your partner, this equally true if your partner is not aroused enough. There are many factors which could be in play here and the honest fact is, most but the luckiest of us will have at some point experienced what you did.
Whether erect or not in the missionary position it is hard to hit a bullseye every time, your simply not looking where you are going, sometimes you are literally stabing in the dark.
The best way to do it, is have your partner guide you in, and don’t be afraid to use a little lube to ease it in and make sure it is comfortable for all concerned. Once in rest and enjoy the sensation before slowly building rhythm to a crescendo.
Pressure and anxiety are the passion killers, enjoy the moment, take your time, have as session of mutual masturbation and then ease inro the main event. Very few of us are able to go at it like we were teenagers, but some things in life get better with age.
Yup I often have this issue…I love performing oral on my wife but will often focus so hard on that, that I lose my erection too. My brain regularly messes me up (I suffer from performance anxiety regularly) but we know each other well enough to just take our time, or just not focus on PIV if needs be.
So try not to worry - you’re probably over thinking it, and are probably setting your expectations based on 16 years ago! Just talk it over and take the pressure off. I’m sure she’ll understand!
Lots of good advise already. Sex doesn’t always go as planned so practice, practice, practice The more you stress about sex the more difficult it gets next time.
I’d add though that if penetration isn’t working then why not just go back to more foreplay? Sure lube can help but why rush to penetration if you are both not ready. My partner is easier to penetrate once she’s had at least one orgasm, she’s then naturally lubed and her vagina is more relaxed . Watching her cum is also a huge turn on for me and gets me rock hard. If penetration is still tricky then her on top guiding me in works best where she controls the angle, depth and speed of penetration.
Yep been there done that, when younger the little head will often rule the big head, there are times later in life that the big head will get its revenge
So don’t stress cause that will only make it worst, always easier said than done as we all know. You also haven’t stated whether you had been drinking or how late in the evening it was, these can both have influence on how hard you will be and long you can remain erect.
So as others have said communicate with her about it, look at using lube and guidance if necessary. I have also found if my erection has gone softish, it’s often better to stop all stimulation to yourself and let it go completely flaccid, yep no good flogging a dead horse. Continue the foreplay concentrating on her and then when you feel your erection happening again return the stimulation to yourself till fully aroused, then look to trying PIV again.
When the anxiety hits and you go soft, what do you do for your wife? Of course oral and hands come to mind, but have the two of you agreed to using dildos for her to experience penetration?
Just wanted to chime in and say I am having the same issue at the moment. I have been with my girlfriend for 2 months and we sleep together a lot. She was my first - I lost my virginity to her, but it wasn’t “easy”, I would be turned on, long lasting erections, but would lose it trying to find her vagina. I finally managed it after a long horny night - I woke up, got her wet, asked her to go onto her knees and had sex with her doggy style but it’s only been successful one time.
She’s into anal and also regularly offers her bum to me but I haven’t been able to penetrate it (despite lube and LOTS of foreplay including rimming). I struggle to get a full erection. I’m in my mid-thirties, I think it’s something a lot of men go through. It’s not just porn that portrays an unrealistic view of sex, it’s TV shows and films that show couples going full on every 5 minutes. There’s a lot of pressure on men to perform.
Right now we’re just doing a lot of oral and foreplay and I’m able to get her off, she goes down on me which I found unpleasant at first but have come to like it. We’re really looking forward to actual penetrative sex soon, vaginal or anal. I am trying not to pressure myself into it as that will make it worse and possibly affect our relationship.
Easier said and yes I do know…… try to stop the pressure and enjoy foreplay etc if then your chilled before you know it things will progress without issue … just take things steady
It all depends on her mood. Sometimes we reach for he silicone ;). But other times we just go for cuddles and kissing or I perform oral. We have a large collection of toys so we’re never lost for an alternative if it’s needed - but that said, we try not to make a big thing of it and just enjoy ourselves.
@BLovesC thank you for your reply. That actually sounds really nice. When it comes to you and you can’t stay erect for penetration are there things that the two of you do to satisfy you? For us if I’m semi hard she will give me a HJ or BJ. When really soft those can work too to some degree. Just looking for other possibilities.
While no guy wants to have erection issues it is comforting to know others have/are handling them. And in your case it sounds like it is in a loving way.
Yeah - sadly its all in my head…all it takes if for me to question whether shes actually enjoying it and it takes a dive…nothing physically wrong in my case…
I’m working my way through it - thankfully with a supportive wife. And to be honest were both in the mind the PIV isn’t the aim, or be all and end all. We probably have as much fun just fooling around as we do actually doing PIV.
Sadly my OH doesn’t enjoy giving oral - although i suspect if she surprised me with it one day i wouldn’t have a problem getting hard - as she doesn’t often “take the driving seat” but when she does its a massive turn on.
But as others have said - just embrace it if you can, and hopefully you two can work out a happy medium, of both enjoying intimate time regardless of of the state of your member
I’ve had this problem with a partner before, basically he was too big and I was too tight but I think lube helped a lot. You know you’re compatible because of your history so just take it slow and enjoy the time together
