Hi, welcome to the forum 
have you seen This thread. Its got a whole load of really good tips in it.
I can give you a few opinions if you like, but everyone writes reviews their own way so the trick is really finding your own style.
My advice would be, to be concise but informative. Stay on topic and try to resist waffling (or do what i do and edit it alot before posting.).
I usually find chopping the review into sections helps to stay concise and on topic when I’m writing. (Having one bit about build and quality, one about cleaning and drying, another about what its like to use. Etc. And a short conclusion if its long, as people often skip to that)
I kind of got lost in the first 3 paragraphs to be honest. Felt they could have been condensed down into 1.
Its good you mentioned sizing, this is often something people struggle with on strokers so they’ll want to know how the fit was before they buy.
How you described the experience of it being see through was nice. That paragraph gave a good sense of what it was like to use without being to graphic.
If i was shopping for a sleeve, id like to know what it was like to hold. If it was comfy in the hand. Also how easy it was to clean and dry.
Anyway, hope that helps a tad. Keep at it, its something that definetly gets better with practice.