I know quite a few people are always searching for some basic review tips and ideas and asking questions on what’s the easiest way to compose a review. The forum is heaving with helpful information on this, especially in The Great Big Review & Testing Guide, but unfortunately that is a closed topic and has no option for others to post their own helpful tips. There is a lot of the other bits of information spread throughout several questions and topics in the forum, but I thought I’d take the time to create a new topic thread for us to share some ways and processes of how we write our reviews.
There’s so many styles of writing reviews, every single one is different, and I for one would love to hear how other people go about it.
Anyway, here’s how I do mine.
When writing any new review, what I do is I open a new ‘Note’ on my iPhone before the item has even arrived, normally as soon as I’m notified that I’m being sent something to sit on test. I won’t give it a title yet - the title always comes last for me (I see it as the title can’t come until I have…) - but I’ll put a list of what I want to cover in the review: boxing, first impression, fear or intimidation or longing, smell, taste perhaps (I pretty much put everything I own in my mouth at some point), what did it feel like when I smothered it and around my face… and so on.
I’ll just start with a basic list of bullet points in which I’ll add random words, thoughts and ideas to later as I trial and test the toy. This way I know I will cover everything I intend to and everything I would want to know before buying an item.
- Packaging
- First Impressions
- Smell
- Feel, Touch and Squeeze
- Size, Girth, Length
- First Use
- Second Use
- Anal?
- Cleaning and Storage
- Summery of what I did & didn’t like
I know most people do, but I will hardly ever cover or mention the infamous ‘plain brown boxing’ and the speedy delivery. Everyone knows the process is exceptionally discreet and came faster than my first boyfriend. ⒸBlonde~Bunny 2021
When the toy arrives, I’ll just write out really quickly off the top of my head a few first impressions like ‘thick’, ‘swollen’, ‘scared me sh#tless’ or ‘god that’s one pretty penis’ or ‘damn those bulging veins look devine like a cucumber covered with a road map’, and ‘definitely a delight putting this dildo right down my throat’ or perhaps ‘unfortunately it smelled like one of those cheap inflatable plastic crocodiles you’d buy from Woolacombe Bay.
Pull out your trusty tape measure, be firm but be fair, actually see if you’ve been sold a lie like most of the dick-pics you’ve ever received…
For once in life, size does matter. Every inch counts, and I do, in fact, care.
Then the fun starts. Play time. Again and again and again and…. Yeah you get the picture. Be versatile with the item, be a boarderline weirdo sometimes, stick that dick to the patio door and see if you can pull it off - not just with your hands 
, see how it makes you feel using it right there and then, see how the neighbours feel that they’ve caught you using it and now not only can you not look them in the eye, you can’t look at yourself in the mirror anymore - but damn that dick was worth it…
Use the toy again.
Write some more brief notes. Single words perhaps - it’s likely that’s all you’ll manage in a post orgasmic dribbling state.
Use the toy again…. yawn…. 
Add more bits to the review, turn those single word notes you’ve been writing into sentences. Cut, copy and paste, juggle your sentences around to help build what you’re trying to say. Move things so it flows and makes sense. Grow the review, rear it by hand. Every review you right has been brought into this world by you. You created it, now you raise it.
Use the item again.
Mix things up while using the toy by grabbing a different toy you already have. Compare them, try using them together, have your own little multiple dildo spit roast and gangbang in your bedroom. Bring out your entire dildo collection and campare it to them, judge them all - just like PE class, who’d be last picked last like a weak member? Jump from one to the other. Build yourself a forest of dicks on the wall and floor. Lie amongst them.
Become the forest.
Keep that toy on your mind even when you’re not using it. You may be walking through the supermarket curiously eyeballing that aubergine to your left, then a thought appears into your head for your review, stick it in the notes. Sometimes I’ll be at work colouring somebody’s hair, I’ll be just day dreaming about that sensational dick from last night and be like ‘oooo gosh, that dildo was one fine filling f#ck, I’ll pop that in my review.” I’ll quickly tell my client I need to nip to my store room and I’ll add that thought to my review notes and edit it later. Easy.
Take the toy to work with you, hide it in your handbag and take a sneaky little peak at it when you’re on your tea break, did you spit your coffee the second you saw it? Did you just dribble your hot lemon tea onto your boobs and all down your pristine white blouse… can people now see your nipples? Is that dildo staring back at you with a single longing eye? Can you resist the temptation for a brief bathroom break and leave your handbag behind? No? In the review that goes.
What was it like to bathe and clean your new toy, did you bathe with it? Is your rubber ducky not the only one squeaking in the tub now? Was it simple to clean yet left you feeling filthy to your very core? Does it have batteries and electronics? If not then how did it fare in the dishwasher? Yes, I’ve put many dicks in my dishwasher and that really is no pun.
Add more notes to your now growing review, change bits, read it and read it again and change it again. Honestly it takes no time at all to write a mediocre review this way, a few seconds here and there to add some notes and you can pretty much cover absolutely every single dirty detail as accurately as possible in surprisingly very little time - and a surprisingly fun time.
But just remember, there is absolutely nothing wrong with a short and simple review. I know I talk for England and my reviews end up more of a blog style, 6 volume novel collection, but a short and simple, straight to the point, factual and informative review can be a lot more effective than my style and I’m sure most people prefer reading those types.
I honestly read a review once and all it said was ‘It was so big I instantly came.’ That was it. To be honest though I won’t judge, this is usually the only thought buzzing around my brain like a trapped fly the second after I’ve cum. It covered the two basic - but vital - bits of information I needed to know. I then bought the item.
Truth and trust. All of what I’ve said above may sound extremely fictional to you, but I can hand upon my heart tell you this is very much the methods I’ll use to test, trial and write my reviews. Truth, trust and honesty are the most important aspects of any product review. Whether it’s a double ended dong or a pillow case from Dunelm, people are looking to know what the product is actually like. Remember, Lovehoney don’t credit you for every item they sell as a result of your review, they don’t pay you royalties for successfully selling a dick - I wish they did. Be real, be honest, be trustworthy and be both true to yourself and to the people who may buy the item. Nobody wants to be dressed in lies, nobody wants to f#ck a fairytale, we want to know the reality of the toy and we want to see your bare and naked truth. The reader may purchase the item and not enjoy it as much as you did, but you’ll sleep at night knowing you didn’t sell an impossible dream. Just a very wet one.
Remember not to go too overboard with the dirty details of your comatosing climax’s. I’m a little guilty of this it has to be said and many of my reviews are arguably closer to steamy, soaking tales more suited for Literotica. I know my salacious mouth is frowned upon by many, but I do find it difficult not to be a little dirty as this is truly how I speak and the kind of person I am. You try and explain a massive dildo without making at least one person blush. Taming one’s self is harder than you’d believe and trust me, you folks should read my reviews before I’ve cut them back and made them PG 
Just be you, write how the item physically feels but also write how it makes you feel.
Just be yourself, never copy a review or try to imitate it - this isn’t the coursework you didn’t complete in time at school so you need to borrow your best friend’s and change 3 words - you will fail. I read hundreds of reviews each week and there is often a few ‘similarities’ popping up now and then. You’d actually be surprised how many times I’ve seen the odd phrase or complete section from one of my own reviews reappear on a slightly different toy - sometimes the same toy.
I have now seen one of my own reviews copied as a near word for word replica with only a handful of changes. Do these people not think I look at hundreds of items and reviews every week? I read nearly every new review across the board - yeah, I’m a bit weird.
I’m always happy to offer advice and any help I can to anyone wanting tips on writing reviews (my advice isn’t even that good) but to copy, paste, slightly adjust, then leave upsetting grammatical errors and abandon the review containing now irrelevant puns too…. Nah. The reviews deserve better than that 
There is also a sensational My Reviews category where lots of members here have uploaded and shared some of their own reviews. It can be a real help to sometimes have a read through and see different styles and ways of doing it. Honestly there’s some really good ones in there and I’ve actually bought items just from reading reviews in that topic thread. But remember… no copying, no cheating, we will find you.
But honestly, if anyone has any questions, anything at all, please just ask. I don’t bite hard. I would be filled with joy to be able to help anyone in any way I can.
Anyway, I hope this helps some people
out a little, but I am in no way some review goddess, there are hundreds better at it than me. Thousands.
Please, everyone, share below how you do it!
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but I write what I’d have liked to have known before buying the product that I didn’t like. I try to be as detailed as I can rather than just saying I hated it or it wasn’t for me, and I make sure to include anything I did like about the product 
Hope someone finds it helpful 
