thanks for all the help/advice, keep it coming.
I feel that there has been a lot said already.
There are no quick fixes, when it comes to decreased libodo or emotional wounds etc
I have been here, I will share my experience, it may not apply at all, but I will share anyway.
For years my libido was pretty rubbish, I always put it down to stress of life, or once I'd had my baby I was tired, it wasn;t any of those things though. Now I am no longer in that relationship I realise I didn't feel nurtured or encouraged, I was never given the time and space to feel sexy.
I got told 'your hot, your sexy. I got touched in sexy placesm and I was told sexy outfits would turn him on and I knew 100% he wanted sex way more than he was getting it. But I just did not feel inspired to want to reciprocate.
I did the laundry always, I made dinner every day, I rarely took time out for myself because I felt guilty for taking time out from the family. So didn't just go out with friends, or go and have a massage. If I didn;t want to cook I had to say so, there wasn't enough suggestions of 'how about I give you a night off'.
I felt like every hand hold or every kiss was as attempt at sex, not just a chance to be close to me.
I love receiving oral sex, and he said he did too, but I never asked for it, and the reson being, his version of loving it was going down for a few minute before heading for penetration. To me that wasn't enough, attempts by me to prolong it, still never got to the right level for me, so I gave up.
I also used to masturbate fairly regularly, even if we went a week or two without sex. I wanted the sexual release, but just found it easier to do it alone. If he had taken my vibrator off me I would not have been inclined to have more sex with him. In fact it probably would have had the exact opposite effect.
I think the fact you are here looking for advice is amazing, I hope you find something within the advice you receive that gets you and your wife back on track. I think someone mentioned a letter already, it could be a really helpful exercise in opening up some dialogue. I think I possibly would have spilled all my issues in writing if I was prompted, but verbalising it became an impossible task for me.
Good Luck x
There has been some really amazing advice here! I agree with a lot that has been said; there are really a lot of factors that could have contributed to her low sex drive and I think it's by addressing these that you can get the situation to improve.
Has she always had a low libido or was this a recent occurrence? I remember that there was a period in time where I just didn't feel like having sex at all. I'd do what I could do get my boyfriend off, but I just wasn't in the mood for it myself. It got to the point where I would avoid dressing up so as to not encourage him to get horny. I'm not even sure what caused it since I was in pretty good shape physically at the time. I only know that I started to dread any form of sexual activity because I was scared that he would be hurt if he couldn't get me off. It became a race to make him come and then use pre menstrual cramps or a headache to excuse myself. Thankfully, he was very understanding. We never talked about it, but he did focus a lot more on the romantic aspect of things and over time, the phase passed and I got my sex drive back.
During that period, I did masturbate. But it was really more of a physical thing to sort of get my rocks off. I guess I preferred masturbating because it was just so stress-free. I guess it's similar to how some guys would rather watch porn and wank after a long day instead of having sex. Sex and masturbation aren't the same thing. Sex is a close, intimate act which requires a lot of physical and emotional involvement whereas masturbation is really just a quick, no-frills affair. I remember using it as a means to an end at the time because it helped me sleep better. Then again, we don't live together and if he had been around, I would have preferred to cuddle with him and watch a movie or just have little idle conversations.
I'd imagine that you're pretty frustrated and possibly hurt but please don't take this personally. She might be facing some problems and when she says that she has no idea why her sex drive is low, she's probably just being honest. She's probably feeling really stressed and insecure about it herself. I remember one of the things that I worried about the most during my libido draught was not being able to please my boyfriend. I felt inadequate and I believe she might feel the same way. It definitely won't help the situation if you pressure her about it (not saying that you do so on purpose, but it might be an accidental outcome). It will put a strain on your relationship which might worsen the situation even more. Oh, and definitely don't take her vibrator away. If anything, that will only put a wedge between the both of you. It's like punishing her for something that she might not even be able to help.
You really don't want to reach the point where sex becomes a sore point and the only reason she does it is to accomodate to you. I would suggest putting sex completely aside for now. Prepare a romantic date night for her filled with activities that you know she will like. Run her a warm bath, give her a nice massage and do none of that because you want it to end in sex. Cuddle her, watch a comedy and laugh with her. Tell her on a daily basis how beautiful you think she is. If sex happens, make love to her and focus on the intimacy. Some woman derive pleasure from being close to her man and being the source of his release. If she doesn't come, don't sweat it. What is important is that she's in your arms and she loves you.
It really would help to talk to her in a neutral setting and let her know how you feel. This might be easiest in the form of a letter since it'll allow you to read over and edit your words so that you don't across as too emotional or upset. Tell her that while you wish you could help her to invigorate her sexual desire, it's not the most important thing. Her happiness is the most important thing and as long as she's happy, you're willing to wait until she's ready.
I'm sure that I've repeated a lot that has already been said, but I hope this helps! Good luck and keep us updated. I hope everything works out well for you both! ♥
I wouldn't dream of taking her vibrator away.
She should be free to do as she likes, just a shame it doesn't seem to be with me.
I tell her everyday that she's beautiful and I really do mean it...
SadHubby wrote:
I wouldn't dream of taking her vibrator away.
She should be free to do as she likes, just a shame it doesn't seem to be with me.
I tell her everyday that she's beautiful and I really do mean it...
Has any of the advice given been of use? Or do you feel like you've explored all these avenues?
x
Need to be prepared to put the work in, for anything to work. A relationship surely desevrves heart felt dedication and communication
I appreciate the advice and it has been helpful to an extent.
I've read before on various forums, etc. advice given to men (not me on that occasion) regarding romancing, date nights, make her feel special, etc.
While I've no doubt that would help her feel more special, I don't think this would give her a massive desire and make her more frequently orgasmic, no matter how long I kept it up.
This advice always comes from women so I've no doubt it's genuine but my view as a man is that there is more to it than that.
I buy her flowers, nice clothes (of her choosing), things like that, etc. I'm not the perfect hubby but nor am I bad. she does get romance, not everyday no, but real lifes not like that.
I've just read a thread on here about swallowing and most women,it seems, were up for it, needless to say there's no way my mrs would ever do that!
Somebody above mentioned about repressed type upbringing (or words to that effect) I think this has hit the nail on the head as she would've had a quite "traditional" (for want of a better word) upbringing and sex may well have been seen as dirty, etc.
How I go about removing those sort of barriers I don't know and I really don't think I have the tools/abilities to do so. :-(
Sadly I don't believe for a minute that the blokes with wives who are open and up for anything in the bedroom constantly have "to put the work in" like it's some kind of chore. What sort of a basis for a relationship is that? I realise that I'll prob get slated for that but I think it's the truth.
It would be nice to know from open-minded women on here as to why they are up for it with their blokes...
I'm not sure how helpful this will be, but I would say that I definitely came from an upbringing that was extremely repressed - anything to do with sex or pleasure was considered dirty and I experienced a lot of shame about any sexuality for many years, and it took many years of... for want of a better word... 're-programming' from my partner to start to get over this. I think the only reason that we're able to have such an open and healthy sex life now is because of how much time we spent talking about everything, even though sometimes it would take literally hours for me to share anything with him.
My partner has definitely put in a ridiculous amount of effort with me where most people would have given me up as too much hassle. As you say, it's not about romance or being bought things, and if those things do help, it's only really a short-term fix. I would say that I'm an absolute chore sometimes, but the more time me and my partner spend together, the more we understand each other and my odd behaviours or attitudes become less of a chore.
I think that in the beginning, if my partner had known what a huge job it would be to help me get over all of my issues and insecurities, he would have felt like it was impossible. But if you can just take it one day at a time, try and talk, really build the foundations so that you can trust each other with literally anything.
I guess that's kind of a long way of saying that absolute communication is why I've been able to become extremely 'up for it' with my man, but that's not to say that there aren't some times when I'm not, but in general we have a great sex life.
Skitty it is helpful thankyou. I know it's probably many things, and will be difficult to put into words, but what did your man actually do? Obviously what works for one doesn't always work for another...
At the beginning of our relationship, when my feelings towards sex were at their worst, it was mainly that we'd talk and take everything slowly. We'd chat about everything, and eventually part of that was me opening up about what I liked and didn't like sexually, which made me more inclined to act out things with him because that barrier of shame and taboo of even just talking about sexual things had been broken. I still felt shy though, and so sometimes we'd just kiss, cuddle, touch, for hours. That sort of intimacy really helps when you can find the time to take things back to basics.
I'll try and have a think about if there was anything else particular that he did/does. Sorry that all this is probably quite vague, but I really do hope that even if it's not relevant to your situation that maybe some of the posts on this thread will spark off an idea that helps you with your relationship.
Is your wife resistant to communicating with you about these things? It's always so much easier if the other person is receptive to talking! :)
Repressed emotions/feelings comign from painful experiences as well as feminity not being honorued (the womb) by role models, parents. Yeh this can lead to huge issues when it comes to sexual libido, feeling attractive being receptive to sex, never mind orgasms.
I am one of those women. I do not see it as unfortunate, but it is very close to the heart. Having a `supportive` partner helps, you say you do lots for your wife, this is good, but at the end of the day its up to her, if she wishes to go on the journey.
"You can lead a horse to water but you can not make them drink"
I was brought up in a very strict religious environment/setting, I was bullied A LOT when I reached puberty it was dismissed, and there was a lot of envy jelousy from my mam to me. I am not wanting pity here and this thread is not about me, but I am simply providing some input and insight on what can lead to a woman not being open/healthy to the sex/intimacy scene.
If she is `numb` and introverted saying she does not care and is not interest, THAT is the surface to what could be lot of trauma. It does not need to be physical abuse either, it can be linked to mental emotional as well as spiritual, this was my deal.
What changed for me, what that I made the decision it was a heart felt choice, I did not want to be sad, and be suffering any more, I wanted healthy relationships, and that had to start with my self
Stick in there, just be as supportive as you can be, there are some amazing books on the market that address and assist with the type of things I have already discussed. I am reading one at the moment, on my kindle and I have only read one chapter in the space of a week or more. Its not just good but it hits home, so I have to be gentle on my self, due to it bringing a lot up when reading through the pages.
`womb wisdom` by Padama and Aniya Aon Prakasha`
What I can add here is that, she needs to take things gradualy, but it needs to be `her` choice, I wish you all the best in your relationship and journey
SF xxx
I feel like you're blaming her and want to fix her without putting in too much effort.
either, she is like this for no reason other than she is like this, she has a low libido in which case respect that, she feels unappreciated, this comes in the form of seeing her in the shower and gazing in awe, actually saying that you appreciate everything she does, yeah some women need a lot of upkeep I get that, we need emotional reassurance, men need physical reassurance (obviously I'm generalising, not all fit this) or she's like it becuase of her up bringing, now think how many years she spent being taught by her parents, do you think you can fix all those years of misinformation in a few weeks? No. It takes time and a hell of a lot of effort. But it's certainly not a chore.
you mention what other women on here are like, most women here are highly sexed women, it's why we're here. This forum is not an accurate representation of the population. Personally I love sex, and love swallowing, sexually I'm not a chore, mentally though I'm a mess, self harm since I was 12 clearly messed up, OH has had to put A LOT of work in to get me to a safe level, and I still gets bouts of paranoia, it's hard for him, but he loves me, so he sticks with it, well come through the other end eventually, so will you, but it takes a bloody lot of work if this is the result of years of misdirection
@ Young and fun
Very true and I agree with what you have said. I personally asked my partner and have spoken to him about being appreciated and some romance. He is not exactly good at being romantic or sensual even.
A woman feels this to quite a large degree , though a man needs the same, too.
I become very insecure when I am intimate with my partner, its constant work in progress, so I am not, its rather a huge elephant in the room for both sexes, due to how much pressure pier pressure and fear based belief systems that surround sex, and our sexual natures as individuals etc
Skitty and SF, thanks again more words of wisdom.
Young and Fun95, I did expect responses like that: "I feel like you're blaming her and want to fix her without putting in too much effort."
I'm sorry to say I feel this is a man-bashing type of agenda that some women enjoy deploying. I don't really understand why it's done though. It's as though it's ok to blame the man for any problem you may have.
Somebody mentioned the shower, I do exactly that, stare in awe. Genuinely. She is so sexy to me.
I assure you I have no intention to man bash. But you have refered to her as prudish and that other women like doing so and so and other men don't have to do so and so. And have refered to it as a chore. I've simply put all that together. I understand it's not the advice you want to hear but you seem to see it as her doing something and you being hard done by. As I said, women here are highly sexual and open minded, that isn't something everyone has. And most people here have worked bloody hard in their relationships to get to get being as open as they are. Relatioships require a lot of work, and if she's having problems she needs a lot of support, it's not always about big gestures, but constantly every day doing small things to say "I can't believe you're with me, thank you"
Just a random thought..Have you tried relationship counselling? Maybe your wife doesn't know how to explain what's wrong to you. I'm not sure how old you both are or if she has any health problems, anything like low mood or depression or menopause can seriously affect your libido.
You sound like you really adore your wife, which is wonderful. If she is happy to use sex toys on her own, she may just want the quick physical release without the need to "perform" while having sex with you. Does she like to use toys when you are together? Perhaps if she's feeling low, you could browse the site together and choose something you both can enjoy?
Sorry if my advice is a bit fragmented, I can't remember everything from previous posts so I'm hoping I haven't repeated too much.
I haven't read all the replies you have received for your post so I may be repeating things, but I essentially am the same as your wife. I have never had a massive sex drive, but equally I wasn't brought up to feel bad about my body or sex.
I spent a lot of my teenage years comparing my bodies to my friends and never felt as comfortable in my own skin as I should have. When I started having sex I never went on top as I felt self concious and so I have never learned to do it well and as a result feel I am no good at it. I have been with my partner for 4 years now and we have two children and I still don't do it no matter how much he asks. Could there be some self esteem problems going on with your wife?
I also like your wife hardly ever orgasm through sex. I spent a lot of my younger years faking it because I felt like what I was doing clearly was wrong in some way. I still do occasionally with my partner because I feel bad for him. Other times I don't bother and I can see that it really knocks his confidence. Is it possible that she has got to the point of not bothering anymore? It can be hard for a woman to see they are so obviously not giving their husband what they need, but in the same breathe it is hard to pretend you are really enjoying sex if at the end of the day you feel next to nothing.
Me and my partner regularly argue about our sex life and having a children certainly hasn't helped. Sometimes the kids wake when we go to bed and I have to settle them back down and I can't switch between mummy mode and wife mode very easily. Does she often go to bed staright after doing something tedious like cleaning the house or making lunch for work etc? I find that if I have had a good 10-15 mins in bed say reading a book or something that the thought of sex starts to enter my mind when my partner gets into bed.
How much attention do you give to your wife that doesn't involve trying to have sex. I often feel like everytime my partner cuddles me in bed or gives me a kiss that it is just his way of trying it on. Then when I don't want to have sex he gets in a bad mood about it. This has led to us not being as affectionate as we once were. If everytime I kiss him back or even if I cuddle/kiss him first in his mind this means Im going to have sex with him. I think being aware that she can get some attention from you that won't lead to sex is very important.
How much time do you both spend in the house together? I am currently a stay at home mum whilst my parter is out at work and I often find that I want sex in the day. I regularly use my vibrator when the kids have their nap and then by the end of the day I am too tired to even think about sex. Maybe this is the same for her and you are just wanting it at different times of the day? I also can't seem to orgasm twice in the same day so maybe if she is using her vibrator in the day she has nothing left to give you (which now I have written it sounds awful as I probably do the same) Does she actively chose the vibrator over you and use it when you are in the house?
Other factors such as depression, health conditions and menopause I think have already been mentioned, but I didn't catch her age in any of the posts I read so not sure if you have already dismissed those as options. Also I didn't see if this has always been an issue in your marriage, if it has slowly got worse over time or is a new thing?
Overall I'm not sure how much help I have been. I have tried to give an insight into some possible reasons, but am aware I haven't given you any answers on how to 'fix' these issues. However I hope that in understanding what the issue could be that you will be able to take steps to resolve it between yourselves. I'm am still on a journey myself to try and be more confident in bed and to try and think about sex in a positive light -which honestly I don't at the moment and I do often find it a chore. That being said I do really love my partner and we are mostly happy with other aspects of our lives. He like you has tried to talk to me and has also got frustrated with me, both don't really change much as ultimately it is me that needs to change my attitude to sex.
(Sorry if this post is a bit long and parts of it don't make sense. I have had a quick read through of it, but have had to attend to the kids multiple times whilst writting it!)
I'm sure my other half was feeling the same as you a few months ago.
I was very ill after my daughter was born 3 years ago. To cut a long story short I now have to wear compression tights every day for the rest of my life. Even though my partner has always told me how beautiful I was I was so insecure with myself nothing he said went in.
I didn't like myself so how could anyone love or find me attractive. Sex slowly stopped and we drifted apart. Every time affection was shown I just thought oh he wants sex.
This all came to head when I found a text saying that he wouldn't be here if it wasn't for my daughter. We shouted, argued and finally talked it all through. I wanted to change so I made a pact with myself every time I felt the urge to masterbate I would tell him so we could have fun together! At 1st I struggled but now I'm enjoying an active sex life for the first time in 3years.I had to learn how to be close to someone again which was challenging. When he touches me now I don't pull away or think its only about sex and I'm trying hard to believe him when he says I'm beautiful!
I'm not really sure what kind of advice I'm trying to give. I do understand that sometimes no matter what you say or do is enough to get through to someone that struggling with there own mind.
Mummy mode and wife mode?
Expectations and ideals about being the `mother` and then being a `wife`
 I have mixed feelings there, because I am so very aware of the pressure and deals that are placed on wife, husband, mother and father.
A good diet helps sex drive and over all energy mind. My diet has not been that good (living on a strict budget) I has some vegitable broth, fruit and fresh juice over three days and such a dramatic improvment