Hoping somebody can give me some ideas!
My wife doesn't seem bothered about sex. She rarely initates it and she says I want it all the time, 2 or 3 times a week isn't all the time!
When we do do it she doesn't come. I'd do pretty much anything she wanted but nothing seems to work.
She still uses a vibrator so she must have some desire.
Help please, particularly from the ladies...
Hey.. Have u asked her why?!
Have u just asked her if shes ok? N why?
If you dont feel u can talk without arguments letters r great ..
Talk to her, not about why won't she have sex with you more, but how can you make it better for her, it may just be that she has a low sex drive, everyone's built different, every other day is too much for some people. But that doesn't mean she can't orgasm, then again, some women can't orgasm. Sounds like you just need to communicate more
It'll probably really help to talk to her to see why she isn't into the idea of sex, but there is also a chance that she may not know why it is that she feels the way she does.
I know that I go through phases where I'm just not interested in anything sexual at all, and my partner finds it really difficult because he still wants sex with me, but I can easily have spells of about 2 weeks where I don't want to do anything, but can't explain why.
If your wife is still enjoying her own sexuality in using a vibrator, maybe see how she'd feel having you use it on her, or perhaps incorporating mutual masturbation. If you don't use toys during sex already, maybe it would help her to use a vibrator while having sex.
I think the main thing is to communicate with your wife though and see what's going on, and maybe ask if she'd like to do anything differently in the bedroom, if there's anything she'd like to try. Maybe it would get her more interested and might help with the issue of her not orgasming.
Tried talking to her about it but I don't get very far. If i ask why she doesn't want it, I get "don't know really". Or "I do want it"
I love goin down on her but it's always me who suggests it, shes not bothered about it.
very frustrating
Hi there
I can speak from personal experience. It can be quite uncomfortable, an elephant in the room when one or both partners are unable to initiate intimacy/sex. safe to say that it does not mean either one is at fault or to blame.
Its tricky, truly when your turned, on, horny and want to have sex, but the woman/your wife shows no interest. The man becomes hurt ad may feel insulted, feeling consciously or subconsciouly there is something wrong with them etc.
From the womans percpective they will be feeling the same, even though they may not express it verbally and be open about how they feel or what they are thinking.
This is what I personally recommend.
Speak to her. Make a specific time, tell her you would like to set some time aside so you can talk Make dinner, light some candles, anything really so the atmosphere/environment does not come over as confrontational.
Then talk to her, ask her what she is feeling. I say this because feelings and the realm of the senses is crucial for a woman, more so than a man. I do not mean this as an insult, at all, Men are very physica and are not often open nor receptive to `bigger pictures` when it comes to feelings/emotions.
Both of you want to be honored and recpected, this can come about via openm honest and sincere communication. Hold he rhand look into her eyes, sit with her on the sofa etc. Just let what ever happen, happen. There may be painm hurt confusion, frustration and anger on both sides, then there will be realizations, things you did not know, or just were not aware of.
Ask if there is anything, she wants/desires, anything she wishes to see changed. If she says `you ask for it all the time, ` OR `stop putting pressure on me` then try and understand what is behind that. When a woman says such things its because thats how they genuinely feel, could be linked to how she/women have been brought up to feel about sex and honoring/obeying their man or men in general.
Its going to be a gradual process, but in respectful open and compassionate communication, and when you do it frequently there will be growth on both sides, she will feel she can `approach` you and you will feel the same, without walls and defences coming up.
See how that goes first, then introduce the subject of what she would like in bed, or out side of it when it comes to intimacy/sex etc, and do not be frightened to come forward about your wishes/feelings.
About women not coming with their man:
I am one of these women, its not because there is something wrong with me, for the longet time I thought there was, but there was so much crap I was brought up with, and other things that I `held back` I did not know how to have a relationship with my body, my clit never mind with the guy I was with.
Its a very personal and even sacred journeywhen it comes ot orgasm and release, and I am not just talking about clitoral orgasms, but full body orgasms. Look into massage, aromatherapy, times out in nature/sun. Fun shits and giggles, sex needs to be about fun, and not ebout expectations ideals or presumptions.
If she is open about sex toys then offer to buy her one, if she is not then dont push her, lots of kissing, cuddling, time, maybe set one evening or day a week where its for you and her only. Phone goes off, kids (if you have any) go to their friends/baby sitter, just make sure you have `that` time on `that day` be it watching a film, going for a meal (inside or out) going for a walk in the country side, anything really, but something you and her like.
This is a lenghty post, but there is a lot of food for thought, but if you become disciplined in he above and meet each other half way (which you will if you follow some of what I have said above) then your sex life will improve, but not just your sex life, a lot of areas will improve, internally and externally.
xxxSFxx
I've bought her loads of sex toys over the years but the best one seems to be a standard issue vibrator but that rarely does the job when I'm there.
If I ask her if theres something she'd like to try she just says no, it seems quite prudish to me.
Take the vibrator off her and tell if if she wants pleasure she can get it via her marital bed. It seems harsh (and obviously you'll not want to be that harsh with her!) but it's true; she can't ignore you for solo play. If she wants to get off with the vibe, she can let you use it on her. She can probably even use it during sex, depending what kind of shape it is.
You're right, you aren't asking for it all the time if it's only 2 or 3 times a week. But to her you are. And that's probably not something you'll see eye to eye on no matter how much you try to argue your point. The only thing I would really suggest is sitting down and having a talk where you explain that you understand she is frustrated at you pressuring her and that will back off asking for sex, but in exchange you expect her to put away the vibrator and come to you when the mood takes her.
Simple fact is it is easy to get addicted to the quick, easy and unattached orgasms you can get from using a vibrator. But she can't do this all the time; in doing so she is destroying your sex life and, arguably, your marriage. Expect to have to listen patiently to what exactly her problem is with having sex (as there is clearly something giving her this issue) and be ready to address whatever issues arise without expecting the sex to come flooding back right away. All you can do is try to talk about it with her.
Any chance that she could be suffering with depression or is she going through menopause?
Just asking for it, can be off putting, when you are living with any of the above 2. You need to talk to her, ask her why she feels this way and is there anything that you can do to help.
I would make things more romantic, pamper her, candles, soft music, give her a massage, treat her. Make her feel like a woman and not just a wife who's husband wants sex.
Sadhubby
did you read anything I judt put at all? Some very valid points made not just by me. She needs to reconnect, if she has been in any way borught up in a way that is strict and opressed in regards to sex and relationships, then she will have various levels of trauma going on.
I comprehend your upset and `fed up` but she will be too on various levels, to remedy this situation, well I have already given soem guidance, up to you if you wish to follow it
A woman wants to feel honored and appreciated A man needs to feel it
sensual fire, yes I did but I was replying to a post further up and hadn't seen yours then. sorry.
Have you tried having a date night.
Go out for a lovely meal, then go see a movie. Maybe take her to see Fifty shade of grey, when it comes out.
Lovebirds_x wrote:
Take the vibrator off her and tell if if she wants pleasure she can get it via her marital bed. It seems harsh (and obviously you'll not want to be that harsh with her!) but it's true; she can't ignore you for solo play. If she wants to get off with the vibe, she can let you use it on her. She can probably even use it during sex, depending what kind of shape it is.
You're right, you aren't asking for it all the time if it's only 2 or 3 times a week. But to her you are. And that's probably not something you'll see eye to eye on no matter how much you try to argue your point. The only thing I would really suggest is sitting down and having a talk where you explain that you understand she is frustrated at you pressuring her and that will back off asking for sex, but in exchange you expect her to put away the vibrator and come to you when the mood takes her.
Simple fact is it is easy to get addicted to the quick, easy and unattached orgasms you can get from using a vibrator. But she can't do this all the time; in doing so she is destroying your sex life and, arguably, your marriage. Expect to have to listen patiently to what exactly her problem is with having sex (as there is clearly something giving her this issue) and be ready to address whatever issues arise without expecting the sex to come flooding back right away. All you can do is try to talk about it with her.
Definitely don't recommend this. That's the way you teach a child or dog, not your significant other, if you've confiscated her vibrator, refusing her orgasm unless controlled by you, and it's quite possible that you're not able to do it for her, then the last thing she'll want is to be intimate
I wouldn't take any sex toys away from it, it would make her worse tbh.
When someone's libido takes a nose dive, it's not as simple as removing objects. You have to reconnect, make things relatable again, treat her like you were dating all those years ago.
Men and women are are two different levels, when it comes to sex. Women have a want to feel special and needed, so a date night/quiet night in, making her feel like she is the queen of the world, will do her libido a major lift x
Hmm, if talking to her about why she's not interested anymore doesn't work, try surprising her. All women love romance (even ones who claim they don't still have a soft spot for it) so maybe try and surprise her with a romantic evening or a weekend away or something!
She may feel like things have gotten too repetitive and its affecting her sex drive. Something new and exciting may help to coax her out of this sexual rut, and it could even be enjoyable for you too! This could be anything from buying new toys for the bedroom, wearing kinky outfits, or even watching a steamy film together can help.
Women love to feel wanted and appreciated, so maybe you could try surprising her by doing some household chores for her around the house, or making dinner for her or something ? She will appreciate it, and it will take her by surprise.
Make her feel special, desired and sexy; that should give her mood and her sex-drive a boost!
Romance OMG all women love it! Even if its on a small level.
I have lived with PTSD for years and my libido packs up and moves out for weeks, months at a time. Self service is something I have no problem with but being intimate with another, is very off putting when I feel low.
I wrote a post on my blog about the sex drive and libido, no allowed to post the link but will copy and past it as a new post.
I agree, talking to each other is key.