just looking for some advice to get my OH in the mood for sex. Lately shes not been in the modd and says its because she doesnt feel sexy. I told her that she is, suprised her when she come home from work with flowers, candles and a nice cooked meal and wine. I've talked to her about it and encouraged her to have a 'pamper' day once a week to feel nice and I've also bought her some really sexy underwear as a present. All this doesnt seem to have broken through though. Since we met I have always been the one who 'initiates' things.
anything I can try to get her wanting it and asking me for sex?
There's obviously a more deep rooted issue here, which I think you can only really solve by speaking with each other. How long have you been together? Are you married/have children?
She's obviously got some issues with herself for some reason, and it sounds like you're doing all the right things. I've been depressed mainly due to self esteem issues and I would have loved to be suprised by flowers and dinner, it sounds lovely! But what helped me was sitting down and talking about it, my husband reassured me he still finds me sexy and that's what I needed to hear.
I know you've already reassured her of this. Do you mind me asking how often you have sex? I just think maybe if you're having sex regularly then she may just not like to instigate sex, especially if she's self conscious. It took me about 6 years to actually find the courage to actually instigate it, and even then it wasn't so much initiating, it was more of a cuddle in bed and some kissing and that's where it led. From what I've read on the forum a lot of women do find it uncomfortable to initiate, and prefer it when the other half does it.
Although, if your sex life in struggling in general, I would talk to her again. She may feel like the gifts and affection are ways to sort of bribe her, and that will put her off more. Talk to her and see what's going on, reassure her again that you think she's sexy, and tell her that you'll take things slow and that you'll be ready when she's ready and it might be some pressure off her, although I do know you're not intending there to be any pressure.
Plenty of cuddles, nothing gives me a boost of confidence than a nice tender cuddle from behind and a kiss on the cheek when I'm busy doing something. You never know if there is plenty of cuddles and kisses it might get her in the mood.
Maybe she might have some sort of depression, in which case you should probably try and get her to see a doctor to deal with it. It's a horrible situation to be in. It maybe its something else, maybe you could introduce her to the forum, she might be able to talk to people and find an answer herself.
It could be down to work related stress, maybe she's feeling self-concious about her body.. or worse case scenario.. she's just bored.
You need to sit down and have a very frank discussion with each other, make sure you're both on the same page. If the rest of the relationship is fine, it's just the sex that's hit a bad spot, then there will be an underlying reason why - but you need to talk about it together to work it out.
If it is just a case of her not 'feeling sexy' - the underwear and dinners and pampering aren't going to change that - unless you are the one doing the pampering. Instead of sending her away to have a pamper day, pamper her yourself. Get some nice scented candles/massage oils, and play some relaxing music, and give her a sensual, but non-sexual, full body massage. Spend your time caressing every inch of her body, make her feel that every thing about her is beautiful.
Over time, slowly introduce something a bit naughty, perhaps one session, have her pop on a blind fold and start using your tongue instead of your hands. Make it all about her, and make sure she is feeling good.
But you need to make sure that you're both still in it together, because if not.. it's better to have it out now, sooner rather than later.
Does your relationship have plenty of non-sexual intimacy? Do you compliment her, make her feel listened to, physically touch her in non-sexual situations?
Do you two have any recurring arguements or problems that could be weighing on her mind?
Does she usually come during sex? How's the balance of reciprocation or overlap of kinks?
I must add that if she does have depression, you mustn't blame yourself. I'm perfectly happy with my life and I couldn't ask for anything better, but sometimes the brain just doesn't produce enough chemicals to make you feel happy for various different reasons, and seeing a doctor will help with this. Usually it's a course of tablets for six months and that should help her out, if in fact this is the problem, I'm unsure. Talking will definitely help :)
I'd agree with that, the pill, the injection and the implant all did it for me. I need as less hormones as possible so I've moved onto the coil (sorry if its tmi). But this could seriously play a massive affect in her libido and general mood.