How did you first introduce toys into your sex life? OH is reluctant to try, she feels toys for me would replace her. I'm not bored just want to spice things up and explore. What was your first toy as a couple?
I don't think there's yet been a toy invented that can replace an actual thinking, breathing, loving human partner. 🙂 Does she not have any toys of her own? If so, then it's much the same. If she doesn't maybe you could both get a little something? I know you were after stroker/Fleshlight recommendations the other day, and they can all be used with your partner as well as solo. Perhaps she may feel more comfortable with it if she's using it on you? There's also the BlowYos, which are open-ended half-strokers which can be used as a blow job extra. Maybe one of those would be a good stepping stone?
Alicia4Ever wrote:
I have to say in the years I have been on this forum this is the first time I have ever heard tell of a woman feeling this way. Though lots of occations with men feeling that their Oh using toys makes them feel inadiquate, even redundent.
In fairness I don't think she'll be alone in feeling like this. I've read quite a few posts about women getting really wound up at their partner's masturbation habits. There's been a few who didn't like their partners masturbating 'behind their back', and some who went off sex but still got annoyed when they discovered their partner was masturbating instead. If you're feeling a little sexually insecure it's easy to distrust new things.
Hopefully in this situation you can make her feel confidant that it's 'as well as' rather than 'instead of' . 👍🙂
The first toys I bought were clit stimulators - bullets, pebbles etc to see if I still had 'it' after my libido started to come back post menopause. OH was fine with this - especially given the results!
At first I felt anything insertable might be 'disloyal' in some way, but I soon got over that and now have box loads of kit.
OH isn't bothered about toys for himself, but he likes it when we use massagers together and he's happy to use bullets etc on either of us at the same time as oral / fingers. He'll happily help me test anything Lovehoney sends and although glass dldos wouldn't be his thing in the cold light of day, he really likes the visuals of using one on me once things get going.
Although he doesn't use toys, I know he goes solo when life gets in the way of regulr sex (or, just anyway) and I'm fine with that - perfectly natural.
So, I suppose we started discretely and built up together from there, with the understanding that toys are still mainly my thing and that he doesn't mind at all (especially if I buy lingerie too).
We do find that using toys, together or me by myself, has given our sex life a massive boost - maybe if this happens and your wife feels even more 'loved up' in various ways - even just more affection / intimacy - she might start to feel differently? If you buy yourself a toy, maybe buy her some nice lingerie and massage oil and try it all out together?
I tried toys with my partner many years ago but I didn't see what all the fuss was about. However, I gave it another go about 2 years ago and I'm glad I did. I guess you could say I had a weird sexual awakening and I felt like a needed to get a toy for myself - like it was driving me crazy, lol.
This was my first toy: https://www.lovehoney.co.uk/product.cfm?p=35523
I didn't know I could squirt until I got this and my partner was happy about it. Then it just snowballed into "I wonder what this toy feels like?" and now I have quite the collection.
Has she tried using toys herself? I think many people mistake masturbation for a substitute or replacement for sex. It's not, it's just different. A chunk of plasitc can't just simply replace a whole person so she has nothing to worry about.
@Ian- Yes, I know some people can be like that. Some even believe that watching porn, masturbating or using toys is basically like cheating in their book. One work colleage of mine was confused why I used toys even though I have a partner - like I could only have one or the other, lol.
I was single for most of my adult life before I met my husband so he knew early on about my rabbit and bullet. How's about making your first forays into toys stuff specifically for things you do together? Maybe switch the focus onto starting on toys that might increase her pleasure (cock rings for example), and if that goes ok, the hopefully she would feel more comfortable with you both exploring toys for you. Softly, softly.
It sounds to me like a reluctance to try new things which is understandable as sex toys may seem scary if you have no experience of them. The next time you touch on the subject maybe window shop on lovehoney, read some reviews and see if anything piques her interest. Maybe when you OH realises it's not such a taboo subject afterall she will be more confident and willing to start exploring the world of sex toys with you. All the best
Our first toy as a couple was a rabbit vibrator. A cheap one with batteries. The really fun bit was actually the experience of choosing something fun & naughty together, rather than the slightly disappointing buzzy vibration and not-so-perfect fit of the toy itself. Some toys hit the spot, and others really don't, but we've enjoyed finding these things out.
In my own experience, I've made some poor choices when I've tried to surprise her, so casual browsing on Lovehoney together with my wife is the best way for us. We've had some good chats and giggles together about sex & using toys, all while shopping in the privacy of our home. For my wife and I, we've found the best toys for us are about connecting with each other's pleasure better. For my wife particularly, there's a big difference in perception between couples toys (cock ring, position aid, blindfold, etc) and toys that can be principally used for self pleasure. She's totally cool with DIY pleasure, but generally prefers to keep this separate & private.
Reading into your post, it seems your wife is pretty happy with whatever you're doing together at the moment. So hopefully you treasure that. And if over time, you do introduce some toys that tickle her fancy and yours, then you're winning twice ;D
I surprised her one night with vibrating cock ring on, that killed the mood completely. Again don't know if it was insecurity or the shock that did it. She's aware I have a high sex drive, and apologies if isn't up for any fun. Think she knows I gonna be more demanding now that I got 'the snip'. Was a joint agreement. I'm currently in recovery period lol. That's why I was asking about fleshlight etc. OH helped give me a HJ few nights ago, when got messy cos of so much lube, I pointed out that a toy would be cleaner. Thanks for the comments, always good to hear other people's views.Gosig wrote:
I was single for most of my adult life before I met my husband so he knew early on about my rabbit and bullet. How's about making your first forays into toys stuff specifically for things you do together? Maybe switch the focus onto starting on toys that might increase her pleasure (cock rings for example), and if that goes ok, the hopefully she would feel more comfortable with you both exploring toys for you. Softly, softly.
I surprised her one night with vibrating cock ring on, that killed the mood completely. Again don't know if it was insecurity or the shock that did it. She's aware I have a high sex drive, and apologies if isn't up for any fun. Think she knows I gonna be more demanding now that I got 'the snip'. Was a joint agreement. I'm currently in recovery period lol. That's why I was asking about fleshlight etc. OH helped give me a HJ few nights ago, when got messy cos of so much lube, I pointed out that a toy would be cleaner. Thanks for the comments, always good to hear other people's views.Gosig wrote:
I was single for most of my adult life before I met my husband so he knew early on about my rabbit and bullet. How's about making your first forays into toys stuff specifically for things you do together? Maybe switch the focus onto starting on toys that might increase her pleasure (cock rings for example), and if that goes ok, the hopefully she would feel more comfortable with you both exploring toys for you. Softly, softly.
My OH surprised me with a gift all wrapped up and when I opened it there was a Clone a Willy kit inside, which was a very welcomed surprise to me and it was fun to do, had a giggle. It made the whole experience of delving into toys that bit more light hearted. We have bought each other many, many toys and enjoy using them as part of our play.
There's a blog post that covers some of the basics that you may find useful? It's a bit old, but still relevant.
https://www.lovehoney.co.uk/blog/2009/10/19/how-to-introduce-sex-toys-into-a-relationship/
Diggerman Baz wrote:
I surprised her one night with vibrating cock ring on, that killed the mood completely. Again don't know if it was insecurity or the shock that did it. She's aware I have a high sex drive, and apologies if isn't up for any fun. Think she knows I gonna be more demanding now that I got 'the snip'. Was a joint agreement. I'm currently in recovery period lol. That's why I was asking about fleshlight etc. OH helped give me a HJ few nights ago, when got messy cos of so much lube, I pointed out that a toy would be cleaner. Thanks for the comments, always good to hear other people's views.Gosig wrote:
I was single for most of my adult life before I met my husband so he knew early on about my rabbit and bullet. How's about making your first forays into toys stuff specifically for things you do together? Maybe switch the focus onto starting on toys that might increase her pleasure (cock rings for example), and if that goes ok, the hopefully she would feel more comfortable with you both exploring toys for you. Softly, softly.
I'm no prude, but even now I'm not sure my reaction would be an entirely positive one if my husband ever 'surprised' me with a sex toy just as we were getting down to it. You are relaxed in each other's company, you think you know what is going to happen, then 'wahey' here's a curveball. I am baffled why, if one person is into toys and maybe sex in general a lot more so than their partner, why they think this type of shock tactic would work well. Maybe I've missed something here, but why would you having had the snip mean that you are going to 'be more demanding' from now on?
You don't realise how lucky you are lol, after a good session under the duvet, it's always me that has to get up and get rid of condom, clean up. OH just rolls over to sleep, lol 😴Gosig wrote:
Diggerman Baz wrote:
I surprised her one night with vibrating cock ring on, that killed the mood completely. Again don't know if it was insecurity or the shock that did it. She's aware I have a high sex drive, and apologies if isn't up for any fun. Think she knows I gonna be more demanding now that I got 'the snip'. Was a joint agreement. I'm currently in recovery period lol. That's why I was asking about fleshlight etc. OH helped give me a HJ few nights ago, when got messy cos of so much lube, I pointed out that a toy would be cleaner. Thanks for the comments, always good to hear other people's views.Gosig wrote:
I was single for most of my adult life before I met my husband so he knew early on about my rabbit and bullet. How's about making your first forays into toys stuff specifically for things you do together? Maybe switch the focus onto starting on toys that might increase her pleasure (cock rings for example), and if that goes ok, the hopefully she would feel more comfortable with you both exploring toys for you. Softly, softly.
I'm no prude, but even now I'm not sure my reaction would be an entirely positive one if my husband ever 'surprised' me with a sex toy just as we were getting down to it. You are relaxed in each other's company, you think you know what is going to happen, then 'wahey' here's a curveball. I am baffled why, if one person is into toys and maybe sex in general a lot more so than their partner, why they think this type of shock tactic would work well. Maybe I've missed something here, but why would you having had the snip mean that you are going to 'be more demanding' from now on?