A bit hesitant to post, I think I have written and deleted a few time now but here goes.
Recently at the rip mid age of 36 I have started to occasionally go soft during sex, not all the time and not that frequently. However when it happens it’s demoralising to say the least. I can never tell when or if it’s going to happen but as soon as it starts to go the negative thoughts flood my mind and all hope is lost. Has anyone got any suggestions? Or should the first place be a trip to the GP?
Well done for sharing mate, really sorry to hear this. First things first if you have any concerns about your body then always, always, always seek advice. Some GP services are now provided by a pharmacist, which might be easier to access?
Personally, yes occasionally I have the same (not going fully soft but becoming softer) when I use Durex Performa condoms. Occasionally I find them too desensitising on longer sessions. What helps me is to refocus on what’s happening, maybe change positions or (re)focus on my partner and their needs. Watching them hit an orgasm usually gets me back in the zone.
Can you share any more info about if you’re using condoms, if theres any pattern on duration, position etc?
Hi there,
you’re not alone in your experience. In fact you’re in good company as it’s more common than most people realise.
If there’s no new stress factors, weight gain, increased alcohol use or other identifiable changes in your life which may be causing it, then head to the Dr for a check-up. Might be something easily remedied but they are the best equipped to help.
I had some occasions like that in the past.
Eventually unrelated events led to me being diagnosed as coeliac (immune reaction against the gluten protein, giving me lots of digestive issues and preventing efficient absorption of all nutrients, mineral, vitamins).
A few short months after giving up gluten and making life considerably harder in order to avoid it at all costs, a number of recurring issues have resolved, including occasional loss of hardness during sex. That’s gone. As well as restless legs (used to take magnesium supplements for that, not required anymore).
Just to say that yes, I’d recommend a trip to your GP.
I agree with others. Go see your GP if you’re concerned it could be a health issue.
I feel it’s not an uncommon thing to go soft on an occasion. It shouldn’t happen frequently from what I’ve experienced. However, it could be any number of things that are affecting your ability to perform start to finish. One factor that affects me, I have a pretty high sex drive. I’ve noticed there are times that I may have had sex too many nights or days back to back. After three to four days in a row, I might experience this. Where I’m easily erect starting this session but a few minutes in, the desire may just drop off. Again, not normally but it has happened infrequently enough to where I’ve just figured it just needs a rest.
in those cases I shift focus back on just her and the toys come out even more. Sometimes that will excite me again and I may be able to engage again or go at it through mutual masturbation too.
I’m happily married for many years now and out of the age of pregnancy concern because my wife is post menopausal now at a pretty early age. So, we never use condoms at this point. But those could be a factor too.
Glad you posted. No judgement in this forum which is quite nice! I hope that is helpful for your confidence if nothing else.
I agree with others a trip to see the GP should be first port of call. Hopefully nothing to concern you but good to get checked out. Could be stress /work or many other things. Good luck.
Yes agree with everyone on here. Get your gp to check you out, normal things like prostate, testosterone levels nitric oxcide levels ect. Hubby has ed due to diabetes, and that happens to him if he is not physically stimulated all the time, they will check you for that as well, but we are having a lot of success with medication.
Oh sweetheart, my heart goes out to you, my husband is 39 and it happens to him too. It’s very common but it’s not talked about enough, because no man wants to admit that he “struggles to get it up”.
Stress and anxiety is nearly alwqys the culprit, especially in an otherwise-healthy man your age. You mentioned negative thoughts, which only makes it all worse. Performance anxiety won’t be helping you either.
How is your relationship wih your partner? Having an empathetic partner really helps. When you both understand that stress and anxiety is the likely culprit - not something either of you has done - it can really help you both connect. And guess what? That’s when the magic haopens!
Also, don’t put all the emphasis on sex. Being frank, you can still get an erection, right? You don’t go soft when you masturbate? If so, fhen your problem is highly likely to be psychological (stress/anxiety, nothing else ). So enjoy other forms of intimacy together: oral sex, mutual masturbation, massage, bondage (if you’re into that). Stop putting pressure on yourself to perform, and it will happen when it wants to.
All the best
It’s definitely more common than you think so you’re definitely not alone.
I agree with previous posters re stress, booze, tiredness, fitness are all potential contributing factors and definitely try and rule out potential health conditions like vascular disease, testosterone levels with a visit to the GP.
Psychologically it’s very easy to get into a negative spiral of worrying you will go soft and then it happens because you are worrying. I found telling my partner this was happening helped enormously. By voicing it out loud helped resolve the problem. We would stop, cuddle and talk about something else and guess what? As soon as I was thinking about something else my erection would return.
I also found not watching porn helped me. I think because porn is so visually stimulating, when you are making love in the real world it’s more about the physical stimulation with less visual. So the brain needs to rewire to get stimulated. With porn you can flick from scene to scene as soon as your interest slightly wanes. IRL it’s impossible create that level of pace of stimulation.
I would be a bit wary of Viagra, great for a short term boost and make you feel better. But it may mask an underlying health condition that needs treatment. Or stop you solving the root cause (booze, stress, psychological etc).
Absolutely 
first stop , GP check up. Then if all goes well. Take positive steps. Get any health issues sorted. Respond fully used viagra is great. Cock rings work well also. If you’ve planned sexy time. I find a quick wank and cum before helps keep me focused and hard. And sometimes it’s not an age issue ect. It’s just life
Can confirm alcohol, nicotine, and being overweight plus dehydrated all contributed to mine. I quit everything except the nicotine and started drinking more water and losing weight. It’s made a world of difference and is basically a non-issue for me now. I also slip on a cock ring for good measure just to be certain.
Hi,
I’m not going to repeat loads of the great advice already given, but just to encourage communication with your OH about this as well. It has happened to me several times over the years and I used to try and cover it up, get in my head about it and keep what was happening and what I was feeling to myself. This led to a reduction in times we’d be intimate (because I was worried it would happen), or an over reliance on toys and other methods of being intimate, but because I wasn’t communicating my wife started to think it was something about her, that somehow she was at fault or that I was going off her or getting my fun elsewhere. Luckily I realised I needed to just be honest and talk so now there is an understanding that it’s no-one fault if it happens and we just switch to alternative methods if it does, but because some of the pressure and anxiety is removed it happens less often.
@poley i hate to admit, but the same happens to me. We don’t have sex very often - me high sex drive, wife not, menopause etc ! It never used to happen to me, and i was wondering if there’s something wrong with me. I’m a lot older than you, i’m in my 60’s…
Hey mate, no condoms any more I’ve had the snip, didn’t want more kids.
Duration changes when the issue arises (or doesn’t , pardon the pun) sometimes within the first 5min. Last night for instance I had given the wife a good seeing to by going down on her. Then when it came time to the main event it was going great u til it wasn’t.
Just thinking, are there any environmental factors that could be off putting to the mood? Such as temps, too hot or cold in the room, lighting levels, odors or other distractions?
It could be something minimal, but distracting you on a low level.
Frequency of sexual activity? Maybe too many days back to back?
Not sure and not trying to get too into you and your wife’s intimacy, just throwing some ideas around to consider every possibly solution. 
No no I appreciate all the feedback which is why I went ahead with the post.
Generally speaking our sex life is very healthy, possible the best it has ever been after 15yrs together. On this occasion back to back days wasn’t an issue as it had been 2-3 days from last (kids parties/cyclones etc) most times it’s usually not longer then 2-3days in between, Not including shark week.
I’m not in my fittest state I’ve ever been in but probably not the worst either. We have both increased our exercise over the past 6 months which should help right?
On another person response, I haven’t been on porn for a few months close to a year without watching it without my partner, even then it’s not a common occurrence.
Again with another response, my wife is also questioning her ability to ‘get me off’. I haven’t been never seemed interests elsewhere nor am I not attracted to her!
Sounds like the GP will be the best place to start after my next swing of work is over. I do get slight anxiety from work not so much stress. The performance anxiety only hits every now and then. Usually on the ‘longer’ sessions.
I would like to thank everyone for their compassion and advise. It’s much appreciated 
40yo, married 15 years too.
Not going to say don’t worry at all, but don’t worry too much - it happens.
As long as you can still get erections, there’s unlikely to be a physical issue (I’m not a doctor though!)
Our sex life is probably the best it’s been too, and it still happens sometimes. We’re all sometimes more tired or stressed than we think, or drunk too much the previous night day etc.
I find it gets worse if I overthink it, so try not too (easier said than done, I know).
But yes, not uncommon, don’t overthink it, keep enjoying and reassuring each other.
I never let my man go soft when we are having sex or getting pegged, i will take him in my mouth a few minutes and get him hard again no matter how often it happens during sex.
Thanks for sharing this and I’m glad to see such supportive answers.
I hope that the GP can help rule out any physical issues. I’m sorry to see that your partner is worried too. As mentioned, communication is a big part of reducing performance anxiety.
From posters here and personal experience it can be that as we age we do get more fluctuations in hardness and the more focus is on that the more likely it is to affect election strength.
Breaking the link between erections and arousal may help, as others have suggested switching to different stimulation and shifting focus to allow for the erection to return or not.
I found a great course on Beducated which has shifted my understanding of pleasure by reminding me that I have a whole body to explore rather than just the cock and some massage techniques that still feel good but not focused on ejaculation though that can be part of it too. Could be worth exploring to help address the psychological side.
Thats what i have to do but then hubby has ed.