I've been married to my OH for nearly 23 years, we have a varied and active sex life that until recently was very active but if not quite as active now. I would always say it was very solid and were very much in love. So 2 weeks ago I couldn't believe I had managed to get myself in to a sexual chat on messenger with a girl I worked with, we hardly know each other and only say hi but had never messaged or had a proper chat. It all started innocently with a question about something I has posted on Facebook and some how from that in a couple of days we was asking sexual questions and sending very graphic sex stories of what we'd do to each other! I knew I was doing wrong so after a couple of days I gave her an out and thankfully she took it although I must admit I was dissapointed, it was on the understanding we'd carry on as friends and keep in touch. We have messaged twice but I get a suspicion it's not what she wants so I have refrained from messaging again. Now I should be happy with this but I'm struggling as this particular girl is someone Ive always had a flame for secretly, she's 10 years younger than me and extremely attractive! I just couldn't believe it was her I was having the "relationship" with! It really has affected me mentally and I can't get her out of my head as much as I try. I also find it has affected my mood and I'm trying my best for it to not affect my marriage. Now I'm not looking for any sympathy as I definitely don't deserve that I'm just looking for advice on how to snap out of this and to get this girl of my mind. Cheers.
Delete messenger or deactivate your account give it a break for at least 2 weeks ?
Dangerous game that. Yes its exciting and flattering but it's not real. What is real is the devastation that comes when your Wife finds out. I have been approached by several men over the years, some I do and some randoms I don't know to engage in this kind of relationship and personally I have always declined. My only advice would be to remember it's just words and without being cruel she is probably just bored in lockdown looking for entertainment. I'm glad you have stopped and I am in no way judging. One of my best male friends did similar (but also spoke badly about his Wife) and his Wife saw the messages - fallout has been terrible for everyone.
As Mrs.John has said this is a dangerous game. I can fully understand you felt flattered when this exchange of explicit sex stories was taking place, especially since you've always found this girl very attractive but you had the good sense to nip the naughty messages in the bud . These situations can very quickly escalate in to something more if you're not careful.
It would seem obvious from what you've said that this girl doesn't want to continue with this, maybe it was a case of two bored people getting a bit carried away? Now. how to snap out of this is more difficult, I appreciate that you can't just switch your feelings off but one thing I would say is everytime you think about this girl, think about the hurt and upset that your wife would feel if she ever found out about this. You've got a long standing crush basically , and crushes can happen at any age! You will get over it in time. Sorry if that sounds a little harsh but nothing lasts forever, even what you feel now.The less contact you have with her the easier it'll become.
Please don’t ruin a marriage of 23 years over a bit of excitement over fb messenger, it’s simply for worth it and be hurtful if your wife finds out. Close your fb account (fb wipes everything in 30 days) to avoid temptation of doing it anymore.
Typo. Meant it’s simply NOT worth it.
It's easier said than done I know but do you have a choice? Take a piece of paper and starts writing now the outcomes when your wife found out.
4Uonly wrote:
It's easier said than done I know but do you have a choice? Take a piece of paper and starts writing now the outcomes when your wife found out.
Ha. I don't think you should write anything down. 🙂 Maybe compose a mental list instead. 👍
Re-read your 1st sentence...try and talk that through with your wife. You then say in the 2nd one WAS very active...and WERE very much in love...this is probably why you are feeling like this with the attention from the girl. Everyone needs to feel loved...wanted...desired and needed...I understand why you can't get this out of your mind it's an amazing feeling... Try chatting with your wife about why things have changed and focus on fixing what you have...Good Luck.
Nothing tastes quiet as sweet as the forbidden fruit right??? But world that bite be worth it? Probably not when you have 23 years of marriage behind you! It wasn't a relationship, it wasnt an affair, it was a fantasy that got a bit out of control, if you want to be with your wife you need to delete her from FB and any other ways of contact (except work) How would you feel if your wife had been getting and sending the very same messages to a younger man? Would you be bothered?? Get your head out the clouds, you dont have to real feelings for this other woman, you just want to shag her! If you are not happy at home for what ever reason talk to your wife and fix it, because other woman may be a distraction from you not being happy. If you're not happy and want out cheating to end it is NOT the answer. if you are happy move on from the sexting slip up and you will have to live with it for a bit, but you need to talk through your problems and get back on track.
Def not worth it in long term, I hooked up with my ex first love after 7 years, had gf at time now my wife, I kinda got lost in the moment with my ex, I felt weak of course it's wrong, she kinda seduced me also. When we hooked up I couldn't get it up happened 2 times, I was horny but never happened. I stopped it, them she told me that she had bigger. I had to block her out of my mind.
I think the most right thing to do would be to tell her. Easier said that done...
The grass isn't always greener on the other side. 23 years of marriage is a long time. Don't throw it away over some sexy online chat. You can delete messenger and hide your Facebook profile for a while, so hopefully there'll be no more temptations. Communication is key with your Mrs. Sit down and have a chat. Good luck x
Well, you could log out of all your socail media accounts until this crush passes, and at the same time try to reconnect and rekindle things with your wife - maybe she will reciprocate.
Or you could stay in touch with this woman and see what happens - both with her and with your wife.
Bear in mind that your wife might be menopausal - the flutuating hormones lead to all sorts of symptoms, including lower sex drive and mood changes. It can be a difficult time for many couples. But it isn't for ever. If she can ride it out, so can you?
The thrill of something new is always out there - but how many pepole does it work out for? Your initial post suggests you know the answer to that one. You are already trying to close things down so how about sticking with that plan and focussing on reignighting things with your wife? Give her some time if she doesn't seem interested - she may have picked up that things are not quite right?
Good luck.
While it may be very flattering for a younger woman to take an interest in you, don't throw away what you have with your wife. A bit of flirting is not the thing to base a new relationship on. As stated, you know the decision to make, we are just reinforcing it.
My relationship has been over for a year and a half, I found out my ex had been chatting online for years to guys she said it didn’t happen I know she was chatting to them, but what upsets me still is the fact she was telling guys she was a single parent.
Even though she wouldn’t admit it I moved on and tried to forget about it, We never split because of that, Just saying it hurts me knowing she was saying it.
Aside from anything else, she took the out – so best to move on purely based on that 
@teacake I’m really sorry to hear that. I can imagine all the lying is very hurtful but I hope it doesn’t stop you trusting anyone else in the future…there are still a lot of decent honest people out there 
@wildflower Yes the lying hurts but more that she use to tell everyone facebook etc… isn’t for her chatting isn’t for her, she use to say the Internet for her was just a means to buying cheaper things.
It hasn’t stopped me trusting but I will expect be a bit anxious if I have a girlfriend and she is always on her phone and quickly puts it away like she wasn’t on it, as that’s what my ex would do I just thought to begin with she was writing me a saucy email as that’s what we use to do,but thise saucy emails never got to me.
As someone who has just split up with his gf due to cheating. Which started off with her chatting (catfishing men actually) then escalating into sleeping with 4 men behind my back i can honestly say the fallout. Mental and physical damage due to someone cheating and sexting other people it truly isn’t worth it. I’ve not slept properly for months now. I’ve tried forgetting it all and getting along and pretending we are good but eventually the mental anguish manifests itself in physical problems. Vomiting, crying uncontrollably at anything and everything, tightness in the chest, headaches, burning sensation in the neck and actual pains. It truly is the worst thing you can do to someone you are meant to love.
The best thing to do is not start but definitely stop straight away.
I would always want to be told what has happened before finding out myself, that was what made things worse in my case because she kept it secret for years. And once pulled up told the most abhorrent lies and dragged it out for months until she couldn’t deny any longer and confessed instead of confessing at the first instance. But that’s just me, some people would rather not know what their partner has done.
But what I do know after everything is that if you simply cannot stop yourself from messaging or meeting up then you must end your relationship first as its the kindest thing to do as being dumped before infidelity is much better to cope with than finding out about infidelity and the lies it entails after the fact.
My gf has finally left the house today and I feel like I can start to heal now so things are on the up for me but I’d hate for someone else to put their partner through what I was put through so think about the effect very carefully. That should be enough to do the right thing.