He won't plan for sex ! Am I being unfair?- Warning: Moan-Zone

Don't get me wrong, I'm totally in favour of the spontaneous quickie, the take-me-now-or lose-me-forever fuck, the can't-get-beyond-the-hallway shag, but sometimes......

I confess I'm a born planner; I will take time out to plan a sexy evening (dinner-light, not too spicy, sensual on the palette; environment- lighting, scent, music, bedding; activities- bath together, games, massage, porn; attire- lingerie, easy off clothes, fuck me shoes etc) with the sole intention of setting the scene for a wild night of unbridled passion. I recently invested a lot of time and effort in setting up such an evening for me and my beloved (you may have seen my previous posts seeking advice on achieving the perfect hairless pussy), complete with X-rated invitation card that asked for an RSVP by e-mail setting out his desires.

Now, the evening was not quite a total disaster but to cut a long story short he made no effort whatsoever and this pissed me off greatly. When I queried him on this he said it was because he doesn't like the idea of planning for sex. I pointed out that a) we have a 3 yrs old child in the house so spontenaity is sometimes pushing it a bit b) this was supposed to be like a date and there is no reason why we can't have 'date nights' to keep the old love life ticking over and finally c) if he can't be bothered to make an effort or to even acknowledge the effort I've put in then I feel devalued.

I asked him to at least consider putting in some date nights on the calendar so we set aside time each week to just be with each other (not necessarily for sex). I left the ball in his court and so far not a saussage!

Am I unreasonble in my annoyance? Am I unusual in attending to these little details once in a while? Am I being a complete twat?

Your candid opinions wanted!

We were on holiday recently and talked to some friends who also have a child about their counselling, the counsellor had suggested a fuck day, ie wednesday or whatever day suits the pair of you and stick to it whether you feel like it or not. We also have a 3 year old and we decided to try this as our sex life had gone down the toilet.

hmm seems there are more issues at heart than just being annoyed that he didn't make an effort.. what sort of effort were you expecting ?

seems you want to feel valued overall , ie date nights with or without sex...

You and him have obiviously been together a while so he knows you are a planner okay so he doesn't mind with other things but sex yes. Did you know this ? Maybe he feels pressured so I can see why you suggested he put a date in the diary but he said he doesn't like planned sex ! seems you have a checkmate here ?

Hmm I think you guys need to talk some more , but do it in a reasonable and kinda unemotional fashion so that you can get to a compromise or something without getting really emotional ? Dunno if you do get emotional but its possibly not the best way to get through to him .. dunno you know your partner .. how do you get through to him?

I don't think you are being unreasonable I think you are being a fantastic partner. Not sure I'd do that for mine but we have issues and I am feeling very unloved can't seem to get over my resentment and do that to try and fix us ... also have a sneaking suspicion that what happened to you might well happen to me. Don't want to go there really.

I may be completely wrong on many points and ignore any of my comments that you feel aren't applicable .. sorry for the outpouring at the end but I wanted to let you know I feel for you.

Ummmmm....How should I put this in a reasonable and balanced way? How about taking a little vacation to Germany and get him fitted for one of these?

no not at all i mean unplanned sex is great but at the end of the day its better to be safe and planed sex can still be great

Thanks for your reply granthk. I'm sorry to hear that you can relate to what I'm whining on about here. I think I know what you mean- sometimes it's safer to just bob along than to open the flood gates?

I think that what bothered me most was that I'd given him 6 weeks notice that I was planning a special evening. I suggested he arrange to spend the day with his friend playing golf or at the gym and spa, "do something relaxing and fun". All he had to do was make sure he was home by 6pm.
I suppose I was looking for a little particpation from his side. He didn't even bother to have a shower.....

At the nub of this is that I have made a rod for my own back. We've been together 13 years now, we were friends before anything romantic came along and we kind of 'fell in' together. He never really had to put any effort into getting me (or getting me into bed for that matter!) and as I was his first I guess he just never needed to learn the art of seduction.

Fortunately we can and do talk, that's something that has never been a problem. When we discussed this the other week I pointed out to him that seducing was not a behaviour he'd had to develop over time and, as I'm pretty much a cert, he didn't really need to hone his techniques. His reservations were that it felt like I was setting up some big seduction scene or porn set. I suppose he's never had that jittery, fluttering, anticipation feeling you get before a big date so it all seems alien to him. In any case, I started to wonder if I was being unreasonable or somewhat anal (and not in a good sense!) about the whole thing.

Is this just an example of men and women seeing things in very different ways? Is my response typically 'female' (whatever that means!)?

Sex with him can be wonderful, daring, exciting, bizarre, mind-blowing..... just not frequent enough for my liking.

And yes, I do think he takes me for granted at times.....

wown Spanky! This is beutiful! It's a work of art, what amazing craftmanship! I couldn't really see him in one though ... and in any case, he'd keep setting off the airport metal detectors!

Good idea though.... maybe my strategy should be to get a female on for me instead!

To be honest I don't think you are being unfair to expect him to put some effort in.

I have been married a similar length of time and also we also have a couple of kids in the house that makes it difficult to get things going at times. Spontaneity does sometimes occur and, touch wood, we haven't been interuppted yet (we have had a couple of close run things though).

The wife and I often plan things like you did, although not with the sort of time you mention.

Speaking personally, whilst a six week notice period would have turned me on initially i would have probably focussed less on the evening as time passed, meaning it is quite possible that by the time the evening came around it was just like any other event in his calendar.

i would try it again but go for a shorter timeframe. By all means plan it yourself for that long, but a simple email/text in the morning telling him what to expect when he got home would probably work just as well.

My partner doesn't like to plan for sex either. I don't know what his problem with a little planning is. When you have been together as long as we have it is unrealistic to think it is always going to be spontaneous. I like to set the scene sometimes, candles, music, lingerie, suggestions, but he acts as though it is wrong to plan for sex. I am glad I got the chance to add ny moan in as well. Sorry I have no answer, but glad to know I am not alone.

Thanks to jmtaylor for resurecting this thread- comes at an appropriate time for me as well. I have to say that things have sadly gotten worse since my original post and quite frankly I'm at the end of my thether now.

I love him and care about him but this is not sustainable and I am weary of 13 years of trying to engage with someone who is clearly not that interested in sex.

When I find a solution- I'll let you know!

just been reflecting on my post ,and thinking about what I said. When sex has been good, it's been because of somehting I've done, an effort I've made.

If I stop trying then this will all grind to a halt!

Thirteen years is a long time when it sounds like you are doing the lions-share of the work to keep the sexual side of your relationship on track. Is it possible that you have mis-matched libido's or some other reason/s you might want to explore? Maybe with the help of a counsellor if you feel it is worth while staying in the relationship? Do you feel able to do this for another 13 years?

I know how frustrated you must be feeling. Most men do start to take their partners for granted eventually, you just have to remind them that it takes two to participate fully in a relationship.

I just noticed what you said about the pair of you being friends first, that is also the case with my husband and I. Wonder if that's the reason we are having problems with sex as well (not enough of it)? You've given me something to think about.

Have you tried talking to him about it directly? I have told my husband that if he doesn't shape up, I will have to take a lover! (Half-jokingly as I do wonder if that would be a possible solution).

Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

Can't you combine youre love of planning and his love of spontenaity?

Plan something spontaneous, as it were.

Say a couple of days before suggest going out together, and organise your babysitter. Wear a decent pair of underwear that isn't too threatening but is still sexy, and toddle off to a meal or the cinema or something. Come back cuddle up with a movie you both like/ have memories attached to, or cuddle up and talk, and gradually make things a bit sexy and go for it. Or if you know somewhere private enough, do the talking/ sex outside or in a nice spot in the car!

Ok, so it isn't to the extent of your first post (I'd love that btw, but then I'm a planner too lol) but it's playing on both your preferences instead of asking one partner to sacrifice everything for the other- you get to plan a date night, he gets seemingly spontaneous sex. You can't expect someone to thank you heartily for making them uncomfortable, even though they should probably recognise the effort.

Re. the feeling underapprechiated. You say that he's uninterested in sex. Is he really if he likes it spontaneous? Can't you think of a time he did make it good even if it was just a quicky? And take sex out of the equasion. Do you still feel underapprechiated in day to day life?

Maybe you need to stop having sex until you sort out any non-sex issues? Talk to him, don't threaten him (even joking about taking a lover is really bad taste when you're trying to make a serious point).

Feel free to ignore me, since I'm in a totally different situation to you. Good luck hon.

Do you have foreplay etc? Does your husband satisfy you? Is the problem the spontaneity or that the spontaneous sex isn't good?

Sounds to me like you need to sit down together and have an open and honest talk about what you both want out of life.

Your relationship does not sound like a close, sharing and fulfilling one at the moment, so you need to find a way to either build it back into something you both want, or else - painful though it might be - move on.

His actions may be due to any number of things - frustration / lack of self esteem / sexual disfunction / an affair with someone else / depression / work related issues. Or something else entirely. He may really want to be close again but afraid to ask for help, or he may just want out and be hanging around for the sake of your kid. It's impossible to sort out on a thread like this. You really do need to sit him down and say "Stop - enough is enough. Let's talk honestly about what we both want from this relationship, because I'm really hurting here and I need to understand what's wrong so we can try and fix it" Or similar.

Sorry if my comments sound a bit direct, but I have the feeling that you need to stop skirting around the unknown problem with him. Being direct and talking openly and honestly is always the best way. Find out what the issues are, talk through a solution and act on it. You'll feel happier.

I agree with much of what BBG has said, primarily that this is too big an issue and too personal a situation to be teased out properly on a thread. However you have posted and continued to post so I appreciate that you must feel in need of a little discussion of the issue with others.
I'd add a few things to the good advice already given here, firstly, try not to get too hung up on the past. Relationships can, and do change a great deal over time, particularly when it comes to sex. Think about how your attitudes, desires and needs have changed when it comes to sex over the past thirteen years. Then try to think how his have, if you arent sure then this may be part of the problem. There may be things he'd like to explore or perhaps you have both got stuck into a routine which he now finds a turn off, eg, every time a 'date' is planned he's expected to perform. My partner finds this pressure to perform a real turn off at times, so it's important to make any planning I've done, like new lingerie etc, a surprise at a time when we have the oppertunity for sex so that we can take full advantage when he gets excited.
The other side of the coin here is that you're obviously getting very frustrated with the situation, and when you plan an evening you surely build up a picture in your mind of what the evening is going to go like? And its easy to then become frustrated when things dont go to plan. I know you say youd be happy with a date with or without sex but you might still be holding onto all the other ideals of a good date, like being relaxed and happy, things which cant really be planned.
When you talk to him about it you need to establish if this is his way of communicating that he doesnt value your relationship. If thats not the case, and if you both want to be together, then you need to work at it.
And I dont think youre being unreasonable to want to plan things and make the effort and recieve the same back from him, but I do think that six weeks of planning is perhaps a bit too long to be thinking about one date. Try the 'little and often' approach. Even just a small amount of time set aside each day, 30mins or something, where you can talk and relax, would perhaps lead you to the bedroom more often. You could put your planning skills to finding that slot of time, but leave events to unfold naturally, whether thats a few good arguments to clear the air, or some seriously sexy action, either way you're maintating the relationship!
Hope something there helps
all the best

Why dont you try doing the whole date thing on the condition of no sex! Just romance. He will start getting horney then you can say nope, you like it unplanned. Before long you give in and TADA, best of both worlds.Reverse psychology. Always a winner and will ease the pressure on him to perform :)

Well, I knew you guys would have some wise words on the subject! Sadly most of your suggestions have been tried repeatedly over the years. However, last night we did talk and I was more frank with him(to the point of almost appearing destructive).

He now gets it. He finally understands. Clearly you have to spell it out in huge letters and make painfully clear the options and consequences. He does actually agree with everything I've said and confessed that as I hadn't kicked him out, he assumed I was fine with it!

I don't think we can necessarily change the situation directly, but there may be alternative options outside of the traditional confines.

many thanks y'all!