Hello. I think I'm a straight sub - help!

Introduce Yourself
1

Hello!

Let me introduce myself. I'm Dave. 39 years old, married for 14 years and with two young kids.

Like most married couples, our sex lives dropped off after we had kids. We both find each other attractive but finding time for sex is hard and when we do, it'd definitely the same each time.

I've had a few vague fantasies, none of which I'd vocalised but then I stumbled on this site. Had a scroll down, initially for male masturbators and that but then hit on the butt plug page. I'd always wanted to try anal with the wife but it's become apparent over the years that this just ain't gonna happen! She understandably has the usual concerns about pain and cleanliness so I thought wait a second, I can't ask someone to do something I wouldn't do myself and how would I know if her concerns were valid or not if I don't try it myself!

So, I did a bit of research and realised quickly that anal is not the "jam it in and hope" that perhaps porn or general misunderstandings led me to believe. You have to work slowly and carefully either with lots of lube, gradual foreplay and anal toys over many sessions before you can hope to try full penetration.

That meant I knew where to start. An anal douche, starter butt plug (doc Johnson medium in my case) and lube. Armed with these things I got to work on myself. Got the thing in and wore it for an hour until it got uncomfortable. A week later I can now have it in for hours at a time and I'm actually looking to go bigger. I'm enjoying the secret pleasure of it and it helps with masturbation but now I want to go further.

What I'd really like to do is build up to a point where my wife could fuck me with a strap on that is of similar dimensions to my own penis. This is where it all gets a little tricky! I'd never considered that before now, it's a new desire. I wouldn't know where to begin to discuss such a fantasy and I'm sure there'd be questions of my sexuality. I'd have no problem if I was gay but I have to be honest that I've never really understood why women want to be near our disgusting male bodies

That leaves one likely explanation, I'm a straight male submissive! I didn't really know that was a thing until recently and I thought the dom/sub thing was entirely around BDSM and pain which I'm not sure I'm into.

I have rambled on for a very long time but now I'm getting to the point. Could anyone provide a good explanation of the dominant/submissive roles? Help me confirm if I am heading more to the sub role? Give me any suggestions of the next butt plug/dildo/whatever I should try to achieve my goal and finally and most importantly, any tips on how to approach discussing these fantasies with my wife!? We've never really talked much about desires and I don't want to scare her.

I hope this isn't too much as an introduction!

Dave

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Hi Dave! I understand your concerns as there is a big stigma around men who like anal stimulation being gay and this is absolutely not the case, there are many forums for straight men who enjoy pegging on here. My OH and myself do this aswell, I had begun to seriously think about wanting to peg him, he was very iffy at first as he felt it was a "gay" thing but now we enjoy it together. I think the best thing to do is just sit down with your wife and ask her opinion, if it is something that would interest her, any concerns she has just talk through them. Better to ask and get an answer than to never know at all. Hopefully it will go well and you can enjoy it together :) x

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To be honest, purely from what you have written, you just sound like a guy that likes anal play. Liking anal play doesn’t have to have some sort of other label attached and certainly has nothing to do with with you are gay/straight/bi/etc (I know gay men who aren’t into anal play at all). You need to sit and chat with your wife about it when you don’t have the kids around and you have plenty of time and are both of a clear mind (ie not drunk or horny). Please keep in mind that while you’ve been thinking and researching this for a while, this is new for her and so she may need sometime to think things over. (Sorry unsolicited advice, I’ll get back to what you asked now...) Dominance and submission is going to vary from person to person and ultimately it is your and your wife’s opinions that matter. Essentially though, D/s is about a power exchange. One person (the sub) relinquishing control and allowing the other (the Dom/Domme) to pretty much do what they want within pre agreed parameters. This may be a temporary thing, such as just during sex, a 24/7 lifestyle or somewhere in the middle. Often D/s dymanics add in various elements such as impact play, bondage, sensation play, humiliation and degradation, service, pet play, age play, consensual non consent (think agreeing to be forced into something), body worship, and much much more. Sex can be a part of it, but not always. Feel free to research D/s further but if you really just want your wife to peg you, I wouldn’t make it more complicated than that. There is nothing wrong with a straight male enjoying anal play

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Hi Dave good to meet you. My male fwb absolutely loves anal play. It's a really big part of his sexuality, and he introduced it into our sex life very gently, telling me, on a country walk, that he wanted to talk and reveal stuff about himself. Then he very calmly told me he likes his bum played with, and what he'd really like is for me to penetrate him. It's not something I've had the remotest interest in. But he let it rest, having told me, and after several days I began to fantasise about fucking him. Our first 'session' was by text, which I think was a great and really safe way for me to enter the world of pegging. I told him I was fantasising about using a strap-on, and it went from there, with me texting what I imagined, and him doing it to pleasure himself. It was a really good way in. (So to speak) I think a calm conversation, then leaving it for her to have time to cogitate. I'll echo that you sound like a guy who likes his bum played with. No more complicated than that. Good luck

5

Hello Dave and welcome to the forum.

I'm thinking similarly actually. Sounds like you want anal play on yourself. That in itself doesn't mean you want the dom/sub thing.

My husband is big into anal play (both his and mine) and I regularly use a strap-on on him (amongst other things). But there isn't an ounce of dom/sub in our relationship. It's all about the acts of filling our asses and the connections when we do.

If you want to do the dom/sub thing, then go for it. Not our scene, but it is for many and many enjoy it, but it sounds to me like the place to start is discussing with your wife what you really want. She might like the idea.

6

A submissive pretty much does anything to please their dom..whatever the dom says goes. I wouldn't say liking anal makes you a sub though. You could be a dom and make the other person ( sub ) give you what you want. We are in a sub/dom relationship but in everyday life we are actually quite the opposite. This site is really helpful https://pandagossips.com/posts/1270

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Hey Dave, well done for all the research you've done and on asking for advice here - great first steps. Just picking out a few things you've said in your message - firstly the desire to have something in your butt does in no way make you gay - not that there's any shame if you are, it just makes you comfortable in your own skin and curious to try more. I am a frequenter in butt pleasure and it is awesome. The second thing I want to mention is the role of D/s - this really is entirely up to you and your partner. We dabble in some submissive play, and if you go by all the research you'll read, we're doing it massively wrong, but the point is that there is no right and there is no wrong. Just do what you feel works for you. Finally, about makingnit happen - you just need an open and Frank conversation with your OH. Mine for example will not ever consider anal sex on her, but on me it's absolutely fine - you will know best how to talk to your OH but talk you must, and in an open and honest manner.

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Hey Dave, looks like you have found your pleasure in anal play and why the hell noy? It’s fun and the Male G spot is up our butts so it would be a shame to just ignore that even exists. I don’t think you need to be concerned or worry about what your partner thinks. A lot of stigma does revolve around anal sex and play, but it’s the 21st century! Everyone needs to just get with the times. Plenty of men enjoy anal daily and the fantasy with “pegging” is one which is really common and hugely popular at the moment. It gives your partner a huge sense of power when the roles are reversed, because she’s F*cking you for a change and in my experience a lot of women have enjoyed it. I think you need to slowly express what you enjoy in the bedroom, even if you just be straight up about things and say that you have been experimenting. She may be a tad shocked at first if she is against anal which is totally normal and she may be completely against the idea. In this instance you can always get a dildo with a cup base and use this doggystyle. I hope you manage to speak to your partner and she is understanding and open with everything.

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Hello all and a huge, huge thank you for all the replies! I’m blown away by the kind words and wonderful advice so far, this place is brilliant! I’m going to take my time to re read and digest what you’ve all written but the summary so far seems to be embrace it and work slowly and respectfully with my OH to explore these desires. I shall have a good think about how to approach it with her. Thanks again and I’m so pleased I stumbled on this great resource! Dave

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Hi there, can't really offer any other advice but just wanted to say welcome to the forum :)

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One last thing dave is start with small and work your way up, this also stands with your partner. The first thing you may want to try as a couple if a basic non realistic dildo which she can use on you and build your way up. That way it makes it comfortable for the both of you

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Hi Dave, any advice I was going to offer has already been given above but welcome to the forum :-)

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Hi + welcome, please let us know how you get on

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Followup on progress so far! https://www.lovehoney.co.uk/community/forums/sex-toys/1723662-wow-that-was-intense/#p1723662