This situation is funny in a heartwarming kind of way, but basically, we realised yesterday/last night that my husband and I may be too considerate for sex! It all started while I was making the bed: I asked hubby where the blanket was that normally resides at the end of the bed and he said it was in the wash. That’s a bit peculiar, thought I - he doesn’t normally do laundry on a Tuesday!
So I asked why he’d washed it out of the blue, and “it just needed washing” came the hasty response. I sort of had a suspicion that he’d been masturbating then, but I let it go.
Before bed it came up again, and he said he didn’t think I’d want sex as I have his cold at the moment. I told him that I was “dying, not dead” and that I’d masturbated the night before - even though I’d wanted him - but I let him sleep because he seemed ill and tired himself. Well that was music to his ears, and needless to say, we then did end up having some pretty passionate sex!
I don’t have a problem with my husband masturbating (well I kinda do, because if he’s going to then I want to be able to watch ) but what worries me is that he sorted himself because he worried about inconveniencing me, and I sorted myself out because I worried about inconveniencing him (he does often reject me as he has to be up early for work). I did also say I’d get up earlier and drain him before work, but he said he’d be too tired to work if I did that.
Has anyone else had this problem? How did you resolve it? Thanks loveiies!
I read/heard somewhere once someone say there were in a similar position and said whenever they fancied some they started giving their partner first dibs.
If their partner fancied it then it was a one way ticket to pound town, but if they didn’t then they couldn’t complain when the person would inevitably sort themselves out.
YES. And what is wonderful about it sometimes it turns the switch on big time. Now - both of you can take the initiative. Hey honey I have a cold - how about you take my temperature. or better yet just grab him by manhood and tell him what you want.
The other night my wife came out of the shower with her t shirt on an no panties and just mounted me while I was in the chair. I was very happy to oblige.
You can then be - sorry kitchen is closed I am really tired or whatever - but then make sure he knows when it is open again. Hopefully that will help him too.
Counter to what you hear on the news and media - a lot of men are really not great at initiating sex. Myself included - we think we will get a no or it is being done just out of obligation. Sometimes we have performance anxiety as well.
Sometimes we just want to get one out. It has nothing to do with anything else other than we want the release so we can go to sleep.
I don’t think I’ve ever turned my husband down. Been tired and struggled myself maybe, but he knows even then I’d rather not sleep than not have sex.
And I do get the wanting the release for sleep, that’s often why I do it myself, but it was concerning that we may both be having our releases alone instead of together, and ultimately not wanting them together because of it.
It sounds like you are both in a caring relationship. I may say to him. Hey I understand (and I also) like some ME time. I want you to enjoy that - but I want you to know how much I love when we are together. This isn’t something you need to hide from me.
Thankyou, yes, that could really help him. I know his ex shamed him for wanting sex, so he possibly sees his sex drive as something I wouldn’t want, which is not the case.
You say that he often rejects you because he has to be up early for work.
Have you tried having sex earlier in the evening?
Some people find that scheduling sex helps. Maybe you need some sort of code like coming to bed naked means you’re open to sex tonight but pyjamas on and it’s cuddling only?
I have thought about it but he said there’s no time. Our evenings tend to go exercise the dog - cook & eat - evening chores - bed. He doesn’t usually get home until about 6:30 and we’re in bed at 11.
Weekend sex is the norm for us, but that is more scheduled.
maybe you should ask him to punish you!
I’m slightly disappointed by the suggestion that he thinks you don’t have time for evening sex during the week. It sounds like sex is a low priority for him. Is the relationship otherwise happy? Is he otherwise happy and healthy?
Absolutely! He helps out around the house and bought me a pastel de nata on his way home from work, just because he knows I like them. We talk via WhatsApp as much as possible during the day (twenty years together and still finding plenty to talk about!) And we cuddle, kiss and touch (non-sexually) plenty. Absolutely no stresses or strains in the relationship, just missing one another somehow!
We had something similar at one point, so we made this commitment. If one of us wants sex, the other only refuses if they really don’t want to. If it’s indifference, then they say yes.
We agreed to sex at any time, rather than just bedtime, when quite frankly we’re still too tired.
We also agreed: Don’t say you’re too tired. Make time. From somewhere, at some point. It is too important. You’ve got 4 1/2 hours in the evening. You have to be able to fit in a bent over the arm of the sofa shag, or a sofa cowgirl shag, or a bent over the kitchen worktop shag. If you or he thinks you can’t, you need to analyse and rethink. It needs to be a priority. A therapist once told me, replace “I haven’t got time” with “it’s not a priority” and see where that takes your thoughts. I was all “of course it’s a priority”, but if I won’t make time, it clearly isn’t. See what I’m getting at?
We find it helps to have sex regularly planned in, it doesn’t have to always be spontaneous. Having some games can also be a good prompt for setting the stage and opening the dialogue as well as making you both make the time to be passionate together. It can as simple as a text saying “are you up for a round of that game tonight?”, instantly gives something to look forward to as well.
Oof, thankyou sweet. Put it like that and it’s not hard to see where we’re going wrong: we’re both putting the relationship last. Not out of malice, but because we both know the other will understand demands placed on us instead of demanding for the relationship.
Not that I like how that sounds, by the way, because I’d much rather masturbate than demand sex. I’m too damn proud for that
) but what worries me is that he sorted himself because he worried about inconveniencing me, and I sorted myself out because I worried about inconveniencing him (he does often reject me as he has to be up early for work). I did also say I’d get up earlier and drain him before work, but he said he’d be too tired to work if I did that.
