Hi all.
This is my first post here so hopefully I don’t break any rules or offend anyone!
I’m looking for some advice on a couple of topics.
I’ll start with some background for context. I’m male early 40s and married with 2 young kids.
We’ve been together for over 20 years and neither of us have ever been with anyone else.
I love my wife very much and my family is the most important thing to me. We are very happily married. Day to day life is great. But… our sex life has never been great. We have sex about every 6 weeks and it’s very vanilla. I would love to experiment a bit more and more frequently, but she doesn’t seem that interested. I have tried discussing it with her numerous times but she refuses to talk about it and insists she is happy with our sex life.
So, first question, how can I have a conversation with someone who refuses to talk about it?
Now to a different topic!
As I have gotten older I have become more and more curious as to what it would be like to touch / suck another cock. It’s interesting because I’m not generally attracted to men at all otherwise. I definitely find the female form more attractive.
I have experimented with dildos but it’s not the real thing.
I travel for work occasionally and in one location there is an adult cinema close by.
I’ve been to it twice. The first time was a bust! I was so nervous and it’s quite seedy. It was also very quiet that day so I ended up just going to a private booth for a wank! The second time was much busier. As I walked past one of the glory hole rooms I was summoned in, but didn’t go. This time I ended up having a more open wank while watching a guy give another guy a blow job.
Part of me would love to go back and do more there, but the fear of picking up an STI is too much, and I would not want to do anything to jeopardise my marriage.
I don’t believe this is something I would want to do regularly, but something I would love to experience once.
I’m not quite sure what I ‘m asking here but I guess just some help navigating my thoughts.
Thanks!
My friend: Question 1: sorry, but if she is genuinely happy and not open for discussion then I’m not sure what else you can do. You can’t force someone to do something they don’t want to do for obvious reasons. Sounds like a comparability issue in which all you can do is just communicate as effectively as you’re able to about it’s impact on you and how you feel. If the answer is no, then the answer is no. (Maybe?) question 2: I don’t know what the question is here exactly, but it sounds a little to me like you’re trying to validate what may or may not be or turn into cheating. I won’t try to guide your moral compass, but just put it out there for you to consider and come to your own decisions.
Two very different questions, but fear not, no rules broken amd I don’t think you’ll have offended anyone.
The first one, I very much sympathise with you. Two young kids is a lot to juggle and very tiring but if, in the 20 years, you have always felt this way then things do need to change. You say, you’ve tried to have this conversation with her and she just says that she is happy with your sex life. I’m afraid, at that stage, it’s time to bite the bullet and say that you aren’t. Do you have things in mind that you’d like to try? Do you have any toys or light bondage equipment or anything like that? If not, maybe have a look through the site with your wife and see if there’s anything that piques both your interests?
I am assuming with my above suggestion that it’s been at least a year since your youngest was born and that your wanting to experiment a bit more isn’t a huge step, like jumping straight into a threesome? But more, light bondage in the bedroom, toys, or remote control toys for fun out and about?
The second question, and similar things get asked quite often so I’m going to assume it’s a common male fantasy. Views seem to vary a lot on the forum as to what is and what isn’t acceptable but for me, it’s an absolute no. If you’re in a monogamous relationship then sexual activity with anyone else, male or female, is cheating. I never understand how women think it’s okay to cheat on their husband with another women and men the same with another man. It is still cheating if your partner doesn’t know about and condone it whatever the sex of the tge third party. If you’re not planning to tell your wife about this because you know she wouldn’t like it then don’t do it!!!
Not sure how much further you are able to go on topic number one, if you have discussed it and your partner doesn’t see the same issue as you do, then it is a bit of a dead end, unless you try couples counselling. An other idea might be to plan a weekend away, purchase lingerie and see if that kindles a spark.
On the second point, I think you know the answer and just want others to validate it. It is the forbidden fruit it is the opening of Pandora’s box, if you take that step then there is no going back and the potential consequences are unknown. So personally as curious as you might be, I wouldn’t cross the line.
Hi, it sounds like a little bit of a difficult situation with your wife. As @Gareth mentioned you can’t force someone to be interested in something. But perhaps you need to honestly consider why she might not be open to talking about and considering new things.
I know for many years when a Mum to a young child I had little or no libido, so I
simply couldn’t generate any interest in improving a pretty poor sex life with my H. Then as my libido increased (as demands on Mummy decreased ) I was still struggling with self image and a bit of shame about asking for what I wanted from sex. Plus, shame in seeming too keen…
Then I hit late 40’s and the perimenopause and told myself it was now or never. Queue open conversations, sex toy shopping, watching porn etc all with my H. It hasn’t all been smooth sailing, and real life, tiredness etc get in the way but we have a lot more fun.
Might any of those issues resonate with your wife?
This mirrors my own feelings and those of many other men on this forum.
I’m not physically or sexually attracted to men but, since she’s been pegging me, I have grown very curious as to what a real penis would feel like coming in my ass and my mouth.
Helloooooo, its hard were the other partner is struggling to talk about it. You may need to get the kids away and see if you can have a chat with her, dont pressgang her tip her off in advance so she is prepared.
2nd one only you can answer that … what are you prepared to do and how far your willing to go
Crikey, there I was thinking no sex in 10 days was an issue, I think I’ll shut up and quit my complaining I have the HSD in our marriage, hubby has a lot of stress with work and commuting so sex is often on the back burner for him.
My one thought was whether your wife would consider ethical non-monogamy, but what is good for the goose, has to be good for the gander. So, basically, if you can have female friends, she can have male friends. If you can watch/be seen by other people, so can she. If you can have oral sex with other people, she can also have oral sex with other people, and so on. You also can’t dictate to her that she can only see other women since you’re only seeing other men; that could be classed as a “one penis policy” (where the only penis she is involved with is your own) and forced bisexuality - you can’t force your wife to be bisexual if she isn’t.
I strongly encourage you to stop going to adult cinemas, and even to come clean about them. As a woman who was involved with a man who wanted to cheat on his wife with me - who is now divorced from her and largely separated from his family because of his serial cheating - I know that nothing good ever comes from playing those sorts of games. Imagine how you would feel if you found out that your wife was seeing someone else behind your back, even maybe for something non-sexual like parental or practical support (arguably an emotional affair) that could lead to a physical affair. I know it’s cliché, but it’s true - you’d probably be devestated, too. I don’t want to make you feel guilty for having sexual desires, but I do want this to serve as a serious warning: you’re playing with fire, please be careful you don’t burn your whole house down.
Welcome to the forum sir.
Sounds like your in a right pickle of a situation as I’d say considering your wife’s reactions to your advances on exploring more with her have been turned down… I’d imagine that’s not gonna change any time soon and you have to also be mindful of her wishes at same time too…
of course couples counselling is an option to open up communication but in this case I don’t think she’d appreciate it…
It might just be the case that you’ll have to go solo in experimenting with yourself on things if possible.
As for the adult cinema, guys who work there have to get regular screening tests to be safe from any STIs but that’s not taking into account men who just walk in and intentionally seek to spread stuff, so unless you know for certain, it’s very much 50/50…
Yet on the other hand if it’s literally just to experience sucking a dick there is very little you can catch what can’t easily be treated at the worst…
In my experiences from what I’ve heard in other relationships, it’s often healthy to try new things if it’s something you want to do cause to deny it eventually will only fill you with regret or resentment… but the key to this kind of stuff is to be transparent and open so it don’t effect your relationship… from what you’ve said I doubt your wife would understand or agree for you to do this and probably might be shocked to hear you’ve even gone to an adult cinema so it will fall to you to decide if this is something you could go through without her knowing…
Obviously an honest conversation would be the best thing but if your wife won’t discuss it then that’s quite difficult. If you have some other interests such as toys, lingerie etc then try to gently steer a chat towards them instead. If she’s still unresponsive towards things then I can’t see what else you can do, you may just have to accept things for what they are.
As for the 2nd part, irrespective of whether you might or might not contract an STI, engaging in any sexual activity behind your partners back is cheating IMO. I’m not trying to be judge and jury here but I don’t believe cheating can ever be justified, it can ruin relationships.
You say you’re happy in day to day life, you love your wife, you’re happily married and your family is everything to you… you need to ask yourself would you be willing to risk all that for the sake of a quick thrill of something different?
Have the kiddos at grandma and grandpas for the night.
You can watch porn together and as things are happening just give her hints and see if she opens up about any of it.
Frankly, you need to be heard yourself.
If she expresses that her needs are met (as she allegedly stated)… yet yours are not…
Well how do you improve the situation for your side of the bargain?
Compromise is important. It works both ways.
If sex is very important to you (i know it is to me!), some sort of satisfaction has to be obtained. It can be sexual acts with a partner (penetrative or not, there are ways you could have sex together without penetration if she doesnt want it), it could be masturbation, or sex with someone else.
She has to see and understand your side of the coin. It’s important as well to explain that masturbation can be fantastic, but it doesn’t replace sexual intimacy.
Beside those options, you can consider ending the relationship and trying to find something more satisfying elsewhere.
Those are the only 4 options i can think of.
Your question #2 could be addressed by her accepting that having sex with someone else is the option she considers the best.
Let me first address the second part of my post and get that out of the way!
You have definitely helped to clarify my thoughts. In fact once I had typed it out I already felt I had gotten it off my chest a bit. Just saying it (even virtually) feels like I’m getting it out of my system, iykwim.
If I’m honest with myself, I would never want to cheat on my wife. Really this is why I didn’t do anything when I went to the adult cinema before. I also didn’t particularly enjoy the adult cinema. I wanted to, but found it too seedy and actually stressful. So, I’m happy to keep this in fantasy land.
Regarding the first part of my post… I tend to avoid conflict and confrontation at all costs. So while I say I have tried numerous times to speak to her. It’s been 2-3 times and they have been very short conversations because once she says she doesn’t want to talk about it, I drop it.
So perhaps I need to be a bit more direct and try to push a bit harder for that conversation.
I knew a woman who lost her sex drive after having 4 kids in a row, so she actually gave her OH permission to have sex outside the marriage. I thought that was really cool of her to recognise his needs, but 10 years on, they’re divorced. I guess you have to choose what’s more important. Your marriage or your sexual fulfilment? Sneaking around behind her back won’t make you feel good in the long term. Doesn’t sound like divorce is an option for you, so if she won’t go to marriage counselling, you’ll just have to buy some more toys and watch porn that excites you. Many people say the reality isn’t as good as the fantasy anyway.
@Jtf_ie Hello and welcome to the forums . I have nothing to add to the replies you have received . My heart goes out to you . My wife is disabled and has no sex drive or interest , so I am a DIY guy . She has repeatedly suggested I get a fuck buddy , but I could never do that . Hope you can get some improvement in your situation .
) I was still struggling with self image and a bit of shame about asking for what I wanted from sex. Plus, shame in seeming too keen…
I have the HSD in our marriage, hubby has a lot of stress with work and commuting so sex is often on the back burner for him.