Hi from a newbie - how to get partner more dominant

Sex Tips & Talk
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Hi there, been lurking for a few months and plucked up the courage to post! Firstly, enjoy reading this forum from the sex tips to the more ‘day to day’ discussions. It seems like a really well balanced community.

I’m male, in my mid 30’s and been with my girlfriend for 3 years. As my name suggests I’m naturally submissive in bed and slowly and nervously introduced this into our sex life, my partner indulges in this which I’m extremely grateful for but A lot of the time if we agree before she’ll be in charge she’ll just push me on the bed and get on top of me and whilst it’s great I kind of want a bit more kink and foreplay / role play .

I’ve bought a collar and lead (huge turn on for me) and restraints as well as some black leather type dresses for her which whilst she’ll use I sort of have to prompt her to use them which kind of loses the headspace of Dom v sub.

Any tips on how to get her to embrace it? Sorry if this sounds rather vain and self indulgent. I love her to bits and we have other more vanilla sex and I make sure we do activities which satisfies her desires too. I guess the answer will be talk to her but I don’t want to make her feel upset that what we’re doing currently isn’t enough.

Apologies for the ramble!

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Hello and welcome @SubCharles :slightly_smiling_face:

I’m afraid I don’t have any useful insights myself, but there may be some treasure if you use the Search?

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Hi @SubCharles, welcome to the forum

:wave: :wave: :wave:

There have been some great posts on here over the years which you might find useful.

The most common advice - and something I totally agree with for you - is to be open and tall about it with your other half (OH).

For some people being dominant doesn’t come naturally and so they won’t understand what your are looking for.

I’ve found giving a list of activities helps, as you can guide your OH on what you like in advance.

Something that helped us, was to sit down and go through a list of activities and we both rated whether we liked, would be interested in trying or did not want to do. We then looked at the activities we’d both rated as liked and wanted to try and took these forward.

I’d also suggest there’s an element of managing your expectations here; your OH isn’t going to be the perfect dom overnight. You might find you need to guide her through the sessions for a while. Yes, it will lose the sub element for you short term, but longer term she’ll get the hang of it and then it’ll become even better for you as she’ll be doing everything you want :wink:

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You need to properly talk to her about it. Just asking her to be more dominant will never work as it means different things to different people. If you don’t tell her you want something else, she will just keep pushing you on the bed etc because she thinks that’s what you are after (as you haven’t said otherwise).

Work out the sort of thing you would be interested in trying and have a chat with her to see if she would be happy doing those things and if there is anything she would like to try herself.

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Hi @SubCharles

I’ve been where you are now. When I met her, my late wife was anything but a natural domme. Didn’t have a dominant bone in her body, bless 'er, and hated the idea of causing me pain. I had to introduce her gradually to understanding that being dominated and made to endure ordeals was something I needed and found erotic.

We started very small: playful nipple tweaking, twisting and biting etc. To begin with, she’d flinch and stop doing a thing the instant I winced or let out a squeak, but by introducing a safeword system, I was able to “train” her to appreciate that for me, while pain is pain - it hurts as much as it does for anyone else! - I need to be required to endure it, and that she was to ignore any and all noises or pleas for mercy I might produce, as they were only to be expected.

It was a gradual process - took many months - and I made sure not to insist on BDSM content every time we had sex, but eventually she came not only to understand my needs but to enjoy our sessions. In short, she discovered the inner domme she never knew she had. She’d been raised to be a good, kind, sweet-natured person - and she remained this in daily life to the world at large - but with me, she found that our safe, consensual D/s dynamic enabled her to mine a rich seam of wickedness and playful cruelty she’d been taught to suppress, and she found it liberating.

Ours was definitely not one of those full-on 24/7 D/s relationships - hell, I didn’t go about in an iron collar and eat out of a dog bowl! :laughing: - but even so, in time the playful roleplay thing seeped into daily life in a very pleasing way. Example: we’d be out shopping; I’d see a shirt I really fancied. Financially, I could have just taken it straight to the checkout, but where would have been the fun in that? Instead, I’d have to ask Mistress whether I might be “allowed” to have it. There would follow a pantomime of raised eyebrows, sharp intakes of breath and quizzical looks while she considered the question. She might even initially refuse, and make me beg her to change her mind. Eventually she would relent, but remind me that there’d be “a price to pay” for this indulgence …and then later, at home, I’d find out just how many strokes of the paddle/crop/cane a new shirt was worth. Happy days! :heart:

Anyway… enough of me getting nostalgic! As @Brufton and @Calie have said, talk with her (OUTSIDE the bedroom); discuss your needs, explain to her why it’s so important to you; above all, explain to her how domination can be a loving act that will strengthen the bond between you. Ask her if she has any fears/worries about it, and do your best to allay those fears. Unless she has some deep-rooted psychological aversion to behaving in a dominant way, together you’ll get there. :slightly_smiling_face:

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We’re going through exactly the same process at the moment and we’ve been married for 45 years. We’ve recently moved into a male chastity relationship which really needs to be female led but for most of our married life I have been the instigator, innovator and more dominant partner. You have got off to a good start by talking to your partner and it is promising that she is prepared to move in that direction but you need to take it slowly and not put pressure on your partner to fully embrace the lifestyle instantly. Take small steps and talk them through thoroughly so that you both understand your expectations and her limits.

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Thank you to all the detailed responses which I’ve taken time to read and digest, I’m really grateful to all of you! I’m not really after a 24/7 dynamic. We work really well as a team, help eachother through issues and get on really well. Just sometimes in the bedroom when we agree we’ll have a session when she’s in charge I just want a bit more umph. But yesterday morning I tried a few things, I asked her if she’d tie my hands to the bed she agreed and did it then said I can wait for sex whilst she plays with her phone. She basically ignored me for 15 minutes, I don’t know whether that was intentional or not but that really drove me crazy. During sex when I was close I went for it and referred to her as mistress which she didn’t seem to mind then asked permission to come which she instantly granted - would’ve liked for her to ask me to beg. Small steps and I am really fortunate she’s willing to embrace it. I need to make sure I enact / suggest more non bdsm type sex or with me as the dom to give her a break.

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It’s really good that she’s willing to work with you. As I said, take it slowly and don’t push too hard too soon.

My wife occasionally ties me down with the under mattress restraints, fits me with a blindfold, nipple clamps and a vibrating butt pug then leaves me alone in the room for what feels like ages. It’s a wonderful feeling.

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As others have said, talking is definitely the way to go and don’t be afraid to be explicit about what you’d like her to do, how, when, etc talk her through an ideal scenario or two so she can feel confident that she is doing what you want. Once she’s comfortable and knows what you like she’ll likely add new things to the mix and you’ll be able to embrace a more bottom role.

I had a previous partner who continually asked me to take charge and be dominant but refused to give details of what he wanted and didn’t seem to respond well to anything I tried - it left me at a complete loss and feeling utterly useless with neither of us enjoying it! So open and honest and making sure both your needs are being met is definitely the way to go :+1:

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She doesn’t know what to do with the stuff you bought in a scenario role play. She needs ideas and to be trained to be a Sub/Dom. Did you research BDSM together so she aware of the practices and what expected?

BDSM Role play ideas

26 BDSM Fantasies You Might Not Want To Read In Public

Slave training

Don’t forget to practice aftercare!

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Welcome SubCharles

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Thank you to all the further responses. We’ve had a bit of stress with other issues over the last few weeks so kinky sex hasn’t really been on the agenda which is absolutely fine for me. We’ve still had sex but a lot more gentle and vanilla which is what I think we both needed.

We did however start watching ‘Billions’ on Sky Atlantic, which I had no idea was so BDSM focussed - I even had to apologise as I didn’t want her to think I’d made us watch it on purpose. Some great Dom / Sub scenes and I’m fortunate my partner looks similar to the main Dom! I may nudge her towards trying to emulate some of the behaviour.

I do take on board the comments about talking. I guess I find it a bit embarrassing talking so candidly about it but I know I should do.

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Hi - thank you for your lovely comments. Yeah, certainly some food for thought there!