Depends on who I am with. At one of my jobs im as happy and as confident as can be and love it, whereas at my other I feel excluded unwanted and useless.
I tend to feel like a bit of a loner half of the time because I can usually tell where I'm not wanted only tolerated and because of this I don't go out of my way to be accepted when I should, but I do enjoy the company of myself.
From another point of view me and my girlfriend realised when conforming to stereotypes (needy insecure stereotypically the girl, and laid back the guy) that we are totally the other way around when it comes to what I wrote in the brackets.
The only place I am truly confident is either online (here and xbox), around my OH, and anything to do with computing or bikes.
I've been so lucky in the short time I've lived and I wish I could share a bit of my happiness, positivity and luck around!
Naaaah, generally you just make the rest of us feel envious... External Media
Seriously, Ad, seeing people like you just living their lives and being happy helps to put things in perspective for me. I realise I don't have the most balanced view of myself or the world, but it's still the way I feel and I refuse to pretend otherwise, at least online where there's no social compulsion to appear to be normal. I pretend enough already.
I think a lot of my positivity has a lot to do with how I view things so I can see how a different view could have an impact!
I've always joked I'm "the luckiest girl in the world" - always done well in education, always ended up where I wanted to be, have good family and friends. But really, I think I'm just good at not letting the bad stuff bother me. I went through about 2 years of feeling miserable - new school for a levels, few friends, long distance, just coming to terms with my disability (I hate that term for it - but it's what it is), no idea what I wanted to do in life, SAD plus bad winters, not feeling like anyone I regularly spoke to knew the real me (even the OH at that time) and at the time I didn't realised I was depressed (not majorly - not as deeply depressed as some people but still that's what it was)...with hindsight I realise and had I known what I know now I'd have dealt better with it better.
But! Thanks to WandA, and a need not to feel like things are out of my own hands (I highly value responsibility - I *am* responsible for what I make of my life...no excuses!) I've learnt how to deal with things so much better and really...those stresses haven't changed (only the LDR and the not knowing what I want to do bit), not drastically - but I have. The last 3 years have changed my life and, well, now I'm the luckiest girl in the world!
It was easier for me - I hadn't had years of being worn down into feeling that way and didn't have the world against me. I had a fantastic support network and I had a "trigger" in moving away from home for uni - in order to make the most of it I had to sort myself out! But with time you *can* get there :) and I hope you do!
Epic post - apologies! It's just something - well, if I can help in any way....even if most of what I say is disregarded I hope at least a few of the words are useful and if not, well, it's worth a try :)
Plus I meant to add...I'm glad you feel you can be yourself here! It's horrible to feel like noone *really* knows the *real* you!
I want to send you hugs too :)
I have to go to bed now because I cocked my back up and it's screaming at me but you know how to reach me anytime you're having a pants day and need someone to rant at/to :)
I am a fairly modest person, but I have no confidence in myself for learning things when I'm out of my comfort zone I just get way too nervous, the only thing I really have in my favour is a kind heart. I'm lucky to have a person like my partner in my life though, she really is fantastic.
I think the happy attitute also depends a lot on how your life went. There are things which are almost out of your control - a harrassment for 7 years at primary school, which was never sorted until I left, a relative being alcoholist, friend getting raped, your mother getting disinherited because she is "just a woman", which leads to huge break in the family, a serious ilnesses and death... I am trying not to let it bother me, but I am definitely not the luckiest, happiest girl in the world. But I am trying to be happy from the simpliest of things- sunshine, beautiful sunset, glass of wine with a friend etc.
I'm actioned packed with issues, and IRL have no confidence whatsoever. At times I can find myself really struggling to walk down a busy road ! About 10 months ago I started going to the gym, hoping that it would make me feel more confident, and in part it has however not as much as I wanted it to.
Online, I have a screen (not the lcd screen but a hypothetical screen) that I can hide behind and be the real me without having to worry.
Plus I meant to add...I'm glad you feel you can be yourself here! It's horrible to feel like noone *really* knows the *real* you!
I want to send you hugs too :)
I have to go to bed now because I cocked my back up and it's screaming at me but you know how to reach me anytime you're having a pants day and need someone to rant at/to :)
Adx
She has a point this is a place we can be safe and build our confidence if that makes sense. To be blunt before I discovered these forums I had one family member I could talk to my twin and only one friend oh and my dog. But now its like having so many people to be friendly with you dont know what to do with them.
No matter what happened in my past I know I cant just forget it but I have decided that its time to start taking control of it or at least attempting to.
Oh and also Alicia its people like you who deserve to go far in life.
I'm really sad to see some people here with confidence issues. I used to reckon that, when I was a kid, schools seemed to specialise in undermining the self confidence of their students but had thought, based on my own children's experiences, that that was a thing of the past. Maybe I'm wrong.
As I mentioned on the 'hitting your child' thread I was at one point in the bottom form in a Secondary Mod. and, in that situation, there is no escaping the fact that the World reckons you are about the most useless human that still has a pulse. So unless you were good a sport (I wasn't) it was hard to have any self esteem at all.
I reckon you need just one thing that you are interested in and can work on - I guess you could call it a core competence - something that, with time, you can get to do better than most of those around you and of which you can be proud. Confidence in other areas will flow from that. For me that came from electronics. Very nerdy indeed but it made me more socially acceptable when others found out I could fix their radios, tape recorders, etc and build them fuzz-boxes and wa-wa pedals (don't laugh - we are talking the 1960's here!). I still get a buzz when someone asks me to sort some electronics out for them. If there is a scar left it's that I want too much to please others - to be needed.
Anyway, I reckon that is what my self-confidence is built on and that it's fairly solid these days even (as now) when my business is going through a very bad patch. I can tell myself it's not me, it's the recession - and I can actually make myself believe it 8-)=
Well, what I am more noticing is that kids hates difference. So I was badly gone after because of my reddish hair, my interest in books and no interests in cigarets/alcohol. I dont think its the fault of educational institution, they are extremely limited in what they can do. But it was the parental aspect which failed.
I'm really sad to see some people here with confidence issues. I used to reckon that, when I was a kid, schools seemed to specialise in undermining the self confidence of their students but had thought, based on my own children's experiences, that that was a thing of the past. Maybe I'm wrong.
As I mentioned on the 'hitting your child' thread I was at one point in the bottom form in a Secondary Mod. and, in that situation, there is no escaping the fact that the World reckons you are about the most useless human that still has a pulse. So unless you were good a sport (I wasn't) it was hard to have any self esteem at all.
I reckon you need just one thing that you are interested in and can work on - I guess you could call it a core competence - something that, with time, you can get to do better than most of those around you and of which you can be proud. Confidence in other areas will flow from that. For me that came from electronics. Very nerdy indeed but it made me more socially acceptable when others found out I could fix their radios, tape recorders, etc and build them fuzz-boxes and wa-wa pedals (don't laugh - we are talking the 1960's here!). I still get a buzz when someone asks me to sort some electronics out for them. If there is a scar left it's that I want too much to please others - to be needed.
Anyway, I reckon that is what my self-confidence is built on and that it's fairly solid these days even (as now) when my business is going through a very bad patch. I can tell myself it's not me, it's the recession - and I can actually make myself believe it 8-)=
The education system is flawed corupt and disgusting to its core when it comes to primary and secondary school education. Just my personal view but thoughs who have potential get it all those who dont like me are thrown in with the fucking pricks who wont stop annoying the teacher and wont let you get an education and then on top of that I had a major speech problem and at that point couldnt pronounce my own name. right this led to bullying that the teachers saw and nothing about it led to me skipping school and adventually I left with no qualifications no hope a dad that disowned me and in the end I spent almost a year hidding from the world in my room getting closer to the edge every day.External Media
But then at a carreers meeting thing I got signed up for a college course for school leavers and after that year I joined the intro to catering and hospitality course I now have a part time job as a pot washer not very fun but I have decided fuck the bastards the guidance the parents the family the friends fuck them all they said I would be lucky to get a job pushing trolleys at asda. And now look at me Im going some where and the thing is despite everything that is going wright now sometimes I still dont do simple things like going to the shop out of the fear of having to talk to somone.
Well, what I am more noticing is that kids hates difference. So I was badly gone after because of my reddish hair, my interest in books and no interests in cigarets/alcohol. I dont think its the fault of educational institution, they are extremely limited in what they can do. But it was the parental aspect which failed.
Tell me about it. My Secondary Mod. was in a little inbred village and I had only just arrived in the country - I stood out like a fish in a tree. My point about the schools was mainly that teachers rarely praised - the atmosphere was solidly negative. And bullying was not dealt with at all - just considered part of life.
I think the happy attitute also depends a lot on how your life went. There are things which are almost out of your control - a harrassment for 7 years at primary school, which was never sorted until I left, a relative being alcoholist, friend getting raped, your mother getting disinherited because she is "just a woman", which leads to huge break in the family, a serious ilnesses and death... I am trying not to let it bother me, but I am definitely not the luckiest, happiest girl in the world. But I am trying to be happy from the simpliest of things- sunshine, beautiful sunset, glass of wine with a friend etc.
I think, and this is just my opinion, but I think everyone is capable of making the best of every situation but it takes such a long time.
I always liked the quote (and I'm not sure who said it) "some people are born human. The rest of us, we take a lifetime to get there"
But I think with time, and work and a good support network (be it friends, family, councillers or "strangers") everyone can get there. If they want to and if they can try to look at things as objectively as possible (that's what WandA has been teaching me).
Well, what I am more noticing is that kids hates difference. So I was badly gone after because of my reddish hair, my interest in books and no interests in cigarets/alcohol. I dont think its the fault of educational institution, they are extremely limited in what they can do. But it was the parental aspect which failed.
Tell me about it. My Secondary Mod. was in a little inbred village and I had only just arrived in the country - I stood out like a fish in a tree. My point about the schools was mainly that teachers rarely praised - the atmosphere was solidly negative. And bullying was not dealt with at all - just considered part of life.
My school tried and trust me, it did not help. All they can do is send note to parents and ask them to come to see the headmaster and lower their mark for behaviour (in my home country your behaviour is marked). Or the teacher can examine in the beginning of the lesson. But that is about it. And kids know this. So unless parents step in, there is extremely little school can do.
Alicia D'amore wrote:
Laveila wrote:
I think the happy attitute also depends a lot on how your life went. There are things which are almost out of your control - a harrassment for 7 years at primary school, which was never sorted until I left, a relative being alcoholist, friend getting raped, your mother getting disinherited because she is "just a woman", which leads to huge break in the family, a serious ilnesses and death... I am trying not to let it bother me, but I am definitely not the luckiest, happiest girl in the world. But I am trying to be happy from the simpliest of things- sunshine, beautiful sunset, glass of wine with a friend etc.
I think, and this is just my opinion, but I think everyone is capable of making the best of every situation but it takes such a long time.
I always liked the quote (and I'm not sure who said it) "some people are born human. The rest of us, we take a lifetime to get there"
But I think with time, and work and a good support network (be it friends, family, councillers or "strangers") everyone can get there. If they want to and if they can try to look at things as objectively as possible (that's what WandA has been teaching me).
Adx
True. But I lost my support network when I went to university, or rather my second university, as I originally started in my home country, but hated the degree structure. Luckily my still current university has great support network from year tutor, to personal tutor to university counsellors. All of those helped me a lot to settle in foreign country. But I lost in the meantime my family support network due to inner struggle and most of the time the most trusted friends are 1000km + away, only few I have in the UK I can call really close (I am keeping my distance, after previous experiences). My OH is great, but I have to admit I got on his nerves once External Media
Also some situations are just not really funny at all. When your friend has heart attack and then epilepsie at the age of 25... Fun goes away. Or seeing your friend attempting a suicide, as her grandmother told her after rape she was whore and asked for it... And I faced several of these situations in few years. So I am just glad if nothing bad is going on and trying to see some small happy things. Its not being negativist, just you know life is not fair and can stab you at any moment. SO try to make the most of the current peaceful period.
Oh I do understand that Laveila - I feel it's important to be grateful for what we do have and I'm aware I've had a very lucky life so far. And I know things can go so badly wrong for some people and one thing after another. Yes of course it wears you down. Of course it's unimaginable to others but that's why I like that quote I gave
"the rest of us take a lifetime to get there"
I understand (no, I can't understand can I? But I see it) things are far from perfect for yourself right now. And I'm sure they will be for some time to come. But the reason for the post I gave was that I think there is hope that with a lot of time you'll get there
I've found looking forwards helps for me at least and I guess I was just trying to get that across :)
So unless parents step in, there is extremely little school can do.
With respect I disagree. My daughters' school - an ordinary Comp. - had a zero tolerance approach to bullying and despite the undoubted eccentricity of both my daughters there was only one bullying incident suffered between them. The bully, having been warned after the first occasion thought they would try again after school hours. Their parents were then given an opportunity to present themselves at the school and argue why their child should not be excluded. At this meeting appropriate apologies were offered and accepted but the parents were given notice that any recurrence would result in immediate exclusion.
I think this sort of response is vital and has two important effects. Firstly it undoubtedly reduces the incidence of bullying and secondly, and more importantly it makes the victim feel supported by the system and makes the bully understand that the system is set firmly against them. The psychological benefit of this to the victim is immense.
Perhaps not all schools are as hot on this but I see no reason why they should not be.
im an anxious, self conscious, introverted, awkward mess of a human being
sounds like me at 21, but add in lonely overweight and very aware that my younger siblings were considered to be smarter and more likely to succeed.
Roll on 20 years, life has taught me so many good things about myself. I know now that I have worth and that the opinions others have of me matters only if I allow it to.
It makes me sad to hear the people on here say how low they feel so just wanted to send out cyber hugs to all those who need one (( ))
my confidence issues comes from my upbringing, a combination of being badly bullied at school ( some of it sexual) and then facing emotional abuse and some violence at home ( the violence wasn't that serious though and i was never badly hurt)
being told you are usless and a failure sticks if its said enough.
I am working hard on improving myself, and forcing myself to talk to people and connect socially with others even if im not enjoying it, as its better to try then to sit at home alone and not bother. I'm also trying to change the way i think and act at home, as unfortunatley i can't change my families attitude, so I must change the way i view them.
Oh I do understand that Laveila - I feel it's important to be grateful for what we do have and I'm aware I've had a very lucky life so far. And I know things can go so badly wrong for some people and one thing after another. Yes of course it wears you down. Of course it's unimaginable to others but that's why I like that quote I gave
"the rest of us take a lifetime to get there"
I understand (no, I can't understand can I? But I see it) things are far from perfect for yourself right now. And I'm sure they will be for some time to come. But the reason for the post I gave was that I think there is hope that with a lot of time you'll get there External Media
I've found looking forwards helps for me at least and I guess I was just trying to get that across :)
Adx
Its ok. Last 3-4 years were bad for me. I lost 3 people I loved - 2 were very young, my age, almost lost 2 other due to health issues, lost family backing up, so I am right now going through a harsh period. Plus I had my own health issues, luckily it turned out that the problem is not cancer. So just lets say I need a break from life bad luck External Media Also in the past I met little support from my parents to be an archaeologist, I fought them for 5 years. So I guess my view is that to gain you have to fight. Although I think it give me more inner strenght (always good I think), it also made me older inside - no wonder my OH is older than I am and my friend commented that she always thought older man would be more suitable for me. I actually am proud of myself for many things - for being able to study in English - not my first language, for accoplishes in my area of study especially in my home country or even being good photographer , whose photo was sold high on one charity auction, as I am completely selt taught in it. I also enjoy working with wounded wild animals as a volunteer. Really relaxing in many ways.
But I am glad some people are really lucky. I really am. I think I can hope future will be better, but not 100% sure I can believe it. As I always had to fight for any gain (although I did get briliant marks in school as well or I can learn new skills easily).
