How do i bring myself say what i need?

Sex Tips & Talk
1

I am 50 yrs old and a married woman on my second marriage. I have never been able to tell my sexual partners what i like in bed. Indeed I never speak at all during sex or discuss it before or afterwards.

I only recently realised that this is owing to the repeated sexual abuse I suffered as a prepubescent child, at the hands of my older brother and also a couple of babysitters.

I would pretend to be asleep because then I could pretend it wasn't happening and therefore had no need to confront the perpetrators or the situation. It's hard to sit beside the person doing it on the way to school on the bus the next day. I never told my parents and never will, nor will I ever confront the guys who did this to me, as I just want to forget it ever happened.

A couple of years ago I had some hypnotherapy for weight loss but when the therapist found out about the abuse it seemed that he just wanted to hear about that in detail and I did not want to discuss it. After I finally gave him some details he said I was now cured and could move forward. Obviously I never did

However in the last few weeks I have begun to "talk Dirty" to some guys on a fighting game I play online, of all places! They don't know me and the anonymity is liberating....I was so surprised how good it made me feel talking about my sexual preferences and desires and how horny it made me. I explained the situation to one of them and said that I found it so hard to discuss sex with my husband. He said I should try because It would be good for our relationship. I was so turned on by the talk and that I initiated sex that night and for some reason my husband suddenly said, whilst sucking my nipples which I was loving, "if u want more you have to ask me for it"... I managed to say "Yes, I do want more" and I got it too!

He obviously knows about my past and just accepts that i never say anything whilst making love. How, after 15yrs of silent sex, do I start to talk about what I want? The words are screaming in my head but I just can't bring myself to say them even though I know he would respond gladly.

I love reading erotic fiction and have read so many things i'd like to try,

I would love to be able to tell him that I'd like him to be a little rougher with me. How to bring me to orgasm faster....even to say don't stop, or higher up...It just feels so embarassing. There are so many things I would like to ask him to do, but I almost feel that it's too late

I feel like I have missed out on so much and want it to stop....

Usually when I tell people what happened to me it changes the way they see me ...as a victim, and to be honest at the time it didn't seem so horrible really

So, don't feel sorry for me please, because then I have to revert into victim mode which I hate..... If someone could just help me to find the words and confidence I need to tell my lovely husband what I need from him, I would be so happy.

Sorry if this seems has all come out jumbled up but that is the way my head feels right now

2

Sinner hi and welcome to the forums. Well I think you have stumbled on the best place for your new found desires to be discussed and helped. This is normal and many of the ladies here are or have experienced the same. Slowly is my answer build up your confidence it sounds as though your OH is so caring and understanding just waiting for you to do and say what ever you want. You deserve it, now enjoy it. Please keep posting. Good luck.

3

You sound like a very strong woman who has been through a lot.

I am a similar age to you and like you could never find the words to tell my husband what I wanted. Something clicked in my head in the summer-I read 50 shades and came across this site- and I found my voice. My husband says I am a different woman. He has responded really positively to my requests and directions-up a bit, harder, more please etc. Sex has been better than ever despite the "problems" age brings and we are enjoying trying new things together.

So please just go for it; tell your husband what you need. You know your body and what you want better than anyone and your husband will be absolutely thrilled to find he is increasing your pleasure. Once you start it gets easier and the pay-off is so worth it.

I really hope you can overcome your embarrasment and let the words flow. Good luck x

4

Wow that was fast!

Thank you so much for your positive responses. It seems I just need to pluck up the courage to start talking and go from there :)

I have ordered a couple of things from here today, so I guess when they come I can use them as an excuse to open some discussion

5

Brilliant enjoy your purchases and yourself, my hubby once gave me the best night ever he did my fantasy of being taken it won't happen again, due to ill health but I love him to bits anyway

6

Hi Sinner,

If you can't tell him what yuo'd like then perhps write him a note. Leave it somewhere he'll find it. Perhaps when you're out for the day, give him a chance to digest exactly what you'd like to do & what you want from him. I suspect he'll be more than interested

Good luck.

7

Welcome to the forums :)

Being scared of talking during sex is perfectly normal. It's just a bit embarrassing and cringy isn't it?! I was the same, I just felt so awkward saying anything at all, but once we started trying out sex toys it helped us communicate more with each other. Then I ended up getting the courage to say things now and then, and I slowly just got more confident with it. The best thing you can do is bite the bullet and do it, then it will get easier each time after that.

I'm sure your husband might just be wanting this just as much as you, so I'm sure he'd love it too if you were more vocal. He obviously enjoyed you saying you wanted more!!

Good luck :)

8

Hi Sinner, and welcome to the forums.

So pleased that you have posted here, as there are always lots of lovely members who will offer their advice and thoughts.

I would say that you have already taken the first step when you told your husband that you 'wanted more'. If you can accept that this first step has already been taken, then allow yourself to go that small step further next time. If you find that the words won't come 'verbally', then a saucy note would certainly get the message across. You could write this note at any time in advance, even having a couple ready to choose from when you are next together.

Another thought... As you like reading erotic fiction, you could leave a book in an obvious place for your husband to find, with a note on the front with 'see page x', which points to something that you would like to try.

The key is to go slowly and build your confidence. From what you have said, your husband sounds very willing and supportive, and would only need the slightest nudge or hint from you. Imagine his pride in you for wanting to take these steps, even the small ones. The confidence will come, and then there'll be no stopping you! Good luck Hun xxx

9

Hi Sinner

Welcome x

First of all i want to say you are definatly not a victim but you are an amazing, strong woman.

I am on my 2nd marrige and things aare so different to my 1st. This one is a safe and happy marriage with lots of trust and honesty.

Even so it hs taken me a few years to be able to be open with OH. Now we talk about sex any where. It could be simple things like " I really enjoyed last night" or "Have you ever thought about "

I know it takes time to build this up but it is a bit like a good habbit, once it starts it just becomes second nature.

Realising you are a sexy, desirable woman is the best thing ..My only wish is that I had learnt this 20 years ago xx

10

Hi Sinner,

For many years I was almost totally silent during sex, it wasn't that I didn't want to speak but I felt too inhibited. I had the words in my head but I didn't have the confidence to say them out loud .
I found that reading erotic stories helped but mostly what helped was my husband starting to talk during sex because he also had never been massively vocal before.
As soon as he started saying stuff to me it gave me the confidence to do it back and I found it to be a big turn on. I think it's easier to start gently with words and phrases you're comfortable with and gradually progress to being more explicit if that's what turns you on.
I just wish that I had done this years ago but its never too late to start enjoying something new.
Wishing you good luck x

I wish that I had discovered this years ago but its never too late to start enjoying something new.
Wishing you luck x

11

Seemed to have repeated myself a bit there, should read before posting next time!

12

Like everyone else has said, take it slow and build gradually. I actualy just wanted to stop by and say that from what I read above, you have actually already made that initial and huge first step! That is big. This is amazing. This shows you that you can and that you can continue and slowly move to a place where, little by little, you feel more confident in speaking up.

One of the best tips I can give you, or at least, this worked for me anyway, was to try and not view it as "dirty talk" for example, check out this thread:

http://www.lovehoney.co.uk/community/forums/sex-tips-and-talk/753076-do-you-talk-dirty/

You have already started in this journey and when you have spent such a long time NOT doing something, the fear or it and the embarrassment about doing it can build and build to a point where iyou just CAN'T, but you have already broken this silence. That is the biggest step and you took it. Rather than wishing you did more, I recommend that you go away feeling super proud of yourself and so much more free now. The rest will come in time, but slowly. I can already tell that you have reached that point now where you have said to yourself "That's it, I've missed out on this and it will change" and I have no doubts it will for you, because you want it.

Getting over fear and stone cold embarrassment is of course the hardest part, but I imagine you have a loving husband and a loving, close relationship together and I therefore imagine that you have a man there who really wants to give you what you so desire, but he needs to know what that is. Telling him will, at first, make you feel embarrassed or cringing, but why not start by saying that to him. Be open and say "You know, this is hard for me to say, because I have just never talked like this before" and have him understand you HAVE things to say, this will allow him to get involved, to want to listen and I can imagine he will be so intrigued to know how you feel.

Once you push past that cringe worthy moment, a single minute or two in time, you can go on to enjoy a lifetime of closeness and pleasure together. It's just finding confidence to do so. I don't know if you have ever considered this, but if the actual speaking out loud is just not happening for you at first, consider leaving him some little "love notes" around the house, with little hints of what you fancy or need. Making it a little sexual game. Alternatively, write him a letter where you can pour it out on a page, think about what you want to say and how to say it way in advance.

I wish you all the best and hope you find that confidence to continue. xxx

13

Thanks for all the supportive messages I am grateful for all the ideas and information you gave me.

I never realised that so many people felt the way I did and thought there was something deeply wrong with me. Now I know different.

I did have a long overdue conversation with my OH last night and i explained to him how I was feeling, that I wanted to start to talk but wasn't sure where to begin. He said he would like it if i did, but there was no rush and if it felt better I could just move his hands or head where I needed. He did seem a little put out when I suggested we could watch porn together. He says it's just acting and all the yelling and cursing doesn't do anything for him. Fair enough, but I like it....He seemed a little stumped when I said the words they use are the ones I'd like to be able to say! I feel now, though, that I will be able to actually say something!

I particularly enjoyed the link tthat fluffbags put on here. I hadn't really thought about the subtlety angle.. saying some of those things would not be so embarassing, I guess....I am definitely going to try some of those!

14

Well, I finally did it..a couple of nights ago I started to stroke his body then whispered that I would be really turned on by talking to him whilst we made love. I said I would love to be told what to do. So after blinking in surprise for a few seconds,he sat up against the pillows and said, "lick the tip of my cock." so I began to lick. After a few seconds of that I tried to take it into my mouth and he actually pulled it away and said, "I didn't say you could do that", OMG it made me so horny! Then he said I must ask if I could.....and I did. i was so pleased with myself.

Last night though, things went to a whole new level. After reading through te posts on here I found a link to www.yuvutu.com and spent quite a while looking at those. They made me feel very sexy indeed, and so I went upstairs, made sure I was nicely clean, lubed up and got in bed to wait. After about 30 mins he came up and when I put my hand out to touch him, he said he was tired and just wanted to go to sleep. I thought, Oh no, i'm just so turned on right now, if I don't get what I need I'm going to explode!

Then the floodgates just flew open! All the stuff I had been holding back all these years just came out...He was absolutely delighted and turned on, he kept laughing. I told him how it seemed I was always turned on, that I needed loads of sex and masturbated every day sometimes two or three times. He said that he was such a shame that I had toys in my drawer but I had said they were just for me, (out of embarassment really) so, I told him I'd bought some things from LH; a vibrating butt plug and a glass ridged dildo. I said how I couldn't wait til they arrived and was really looking forward to him using them on me.

I then went on to tell him about a long held fantasy where he tells me to go upstairs get ready...in whatever way he sees fit, you know ...what to wear, whether or not to shave or lube and where to stand and wait. Then he comes into the room, pushes me into position and takes me in whatever way he wants. I then want him to make me do something that I woulldn't normally like to do.....something that would really embarrass me. I don't really care what it is. Then he should slap my backside and leave

He laughed at that and said he would take me from behind, with me wearing nothing but stockings whilst i cleaned the oven

After all that I was so horny that I begged him to lick my pussy. I had the most amazing orgasm and the best sexual experience of my life, even though we did nothing that we haven't done before. Thank you so much

15

Sinner wrote:

He laughed at that and said he would take me from behind, with me wearing nothing but stockings whilst i cleaned the oven

This made me smile; your husband clearly has a great sense of humour.

I am so pleased for you x

16

Sinner wrote:

Well, I finally did it..a couple of nights ago I started to stroke his body then whispered that I would be really turned on by talking to him whilst we made love. I said I would love to be told what to do. So after blinking in surprise for a few seconds,he sat up against the pillows and said, "lick the tip of my cock." so I began to lick. After a few seconds of that I tried to take it into my mouth and he actually pulled it away and said, "I didn't say you could do that", OMG it made me so horny! Then he said I must ask if I could.....and I did. i was so pleased with myself.

Last night though, things went to a whole new level. After reading through te posts on here I found a link to www.yuvutu.com and spent quite a while looking at those. They made me feel very sexy indeed, and so I went upstairs, made sure I was nicely clean, lubed up and got in bed to wait. After about 30 mins he came up and when I put my hand out to touch him, he said he was tired and just wanted to go to sleep. I thought, Oh no, i'm just so turned on right now, if I don't get what I need I'm going to explode!

Then the floodgates just flew open! All the stuff I had been holding back all these years just came out...He was absolutely delighted and turned on, he kept laughing. I told him how it seemed I was always turned on, that I needed loads of sex and masturbated every day sometimes two or three times. He said that he was such a shame that I had toys in my drawer but I had said they were just for me, (out of embarassment really) so, I told him I'd bought some things from LH; a vibrating butt plug and a glass ridged dildo. I said how I couldn't wait til they arrived and was really looking forward to him using them on me.

I then went on to tell him about a long held fantasy where he tells me to go upstairs get ready...in whatever way he sees fit, you know ...what to wear, whether or not to shave or lube and where to stand and wait. Then he comes into the room, pushes me into position and takes me in whatever way he wants. I then want him to make me do something that I woulldn't normally like to do.....something that would really embarrass me. I don't really care what it is. Then he should slap my backside and leave

He laughed at that and said he would take me from behind, with me wearing nothing but stockings whilst i cleaned the oven

After all that I was so horny that I begged him to lick my pussy. I had the most amazing orgasm and the best sexual experience of my life, even though we did nothing that we haven't done before. Thank you so much

Hi Sinner, reading this has really put a huge smile on my face. I am so happy for you. This is such a huge corner you have turned and only the beginning, the start of a wonderful journey of exploration!

It seems you get turned on by your Husband being in control, and I see that he loves it too. I'm so pleased that you were able to ask for what you wanted - there'll be no stopping you now :) xx

17

I am so happy for you well done for doing the talking you are going to have some Wonderful times, well done

18

Just caught this post - well done Sinner!!

:)

19

Hi sinner,
Just wanted to say well done, you've made massive progress, I certainly wish I could be a bit more like that!
Keep up the good work x

20

Well done dinner! Sounds like you finally found your confidence. Keep it up x